The Bachelor, Ep 6: Arie's Choice

The Bachelor, Ep 6: Arie's Choice

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the recaps of our Bachelor.

Previously! A dozen women tried to find love with a semi-sentient human potato! Let’s see what happens next!

 (Living her best Amelie drag)

(Living her best Amelie drag)

The ladies are in Paris! Apparently everything is very “Parisian,” which is *quite* a surprise as they are, let me repeat, currently in Paris

Bekah is wearing a SUPES cute outfit. Ugh I hate and love how good she is at this show.

We get down to business: it’s the return of 2-on-1 dates!!!!!!!! Plus a group and some 1-on-1s for good measure.

The first date goes to Lauren! I find Lauren to be fairly boring so I already see what Arie shares in common with her. Though don’t forget her SHOCKING coconut milk reveal from last week. 

 (Whoa!)

(Whoa!)

While waiting for true love to blossom before my very eyes, I realize that MANY of these girls were born in the 90s, and my blood runs cold.

On to date day! Don’t worry.....Arie promises us that he’s SUPER physically attracted to Lauren. Phew. Was worried about that one.

Today’s date involves Arie and Lauren cruising around Paris via boat while nauseating the locals with their hand holding and laconic discussions. Neither are expert communicators, and the repartee is not exactly crackling.

 (Wow)

(Wow)

 (Wow)

(Wow)

We can only hope that she has a tragic backstory to present in place of a personality, otherwise her dates are numbered.

While at dinner, Arie casually says this: “I would obviously love more than anything for you to like me.” Yikes, that’s healthy.

Elsewhere, a group date is announced! It’s many girls, most of them in fact, and the three girls remaining (Kendall, Jacqueline, Krystal) must figure out who gets a solo date and who has to fight it out for the love of the literal human embodiment of the color beige.

The date is quite painful as we watch Arie try to pull full sentences out of Lauren. She finally puts one together, but unfortunately it contains the words “friend zone,” which is a mythical location that people like to pretend exists in a place where women owe men both their attention and their bodies.

Lauren finally gets the chance to reveal her backstory: she has totally normal hesitations about getting in a serious relationship (she calls it a “trust thing”), and her parents have been together for 30 years. Also she was engaged to her last ex - she thought he was the one, blah blah blah. UGH so boring. She then compliments Arie, starts to tear up, and apparently that’s enough for him and he gives her the rose.

Would you be shocked if I told you they closed out the date with some tongue kissing? Though it's interesting that the whole “pillow lips” narrative seems to have been dropped. Wonder if Arie's injectables finally deflated (trying to start a rumor alert!).

And suddenly it’s the next date! I’m beginning to think ALL they do is go on dates. How did this show get green-lit!?

So a gaggle of girls that Arie would never have a shot with in real life gather to do whatever he tells them to! The location is the iconic Moulin Rouge! All the women are probably now thinking about Ewan McGregor, so it makes sense that they are now so flushed.

 (God yes)

(God yes)

This date, of course, turns out to be another competition. This time they must dance like no one's watching (except Arie and the choreographer of the Moulin Rouge are both watching and also judging).

The ladies all have varying skill at the art of dance. Seinne is a dancer. Bekkah is not. Guess she was also MISSING some dance lessons. Zing! Tia has a hard time keeping up: “I’m fucking horrible.”

The girls dress up in various levels of less and less clothing. Arie is dressed like a budget magician and no one is going to say anything about it!?

 ( "Ahaha! This one shall have a Fantasy Suite!" )

("Ahaha! This one shall have a Fantasy Suite!")

The women each dance, and basically it’s a chance for Arie to view their bodies because it occurs to me (and must have to them) that they haven’t had a bikini party this season. Whoever does the best gets the incredible honor of dancing awkwardly on stage with Arie.

Tia: “I would absolutely love to be on stage with Arie - to get to spend that alone time with him.” BAHAHA! Alone time on stage while an audience watches! Who is writing this stuff?

Tia tells Arie that she daydreams about him. A few words of advice: never give a man that kind of power.

 (Pictured: sincerity sort of!)

(Pictured: sincerity sort of!)

Bekah, having previously played it chill and flirty, has chosen just the perfect time to be a little sincere. GOD DAMN she's good at playing this game! I’m legit so impressed. And of course she gets the rose. The other old crones are less than pleased.

The girls settle in to watch the show rather than self consciously dance on stage with Arie and they are...mad about it? Seems like a major #upgrade to me.

Elsewhere, Krystal is wearing QUITE an outfit and has QUITE a date card! She and Kendall will be the ones duking it out on the 2-on-1.

 (This is just the top half of it!)

(This is just the top half of it!)

Considering that the former versions of these dates were Alex and Chad, Corinne and Taylor, and Lee and Kenny (which was awful), it does seem like this date is engineered to send the “villain” home. At least sweet Corinne made it past this point (see ya Taylor!).

Kendall, Krystal, and Arie visit a chateau in the French countryside. Big DEAL I went to Versailles when I was 16 and I didn’t even have to spend time with Arie to get there! 

I love how on EVERY 2-on-1 date, everyone acts as if this was just a fact of nature that HAS to be endured, rather than something manufactured. Just a little observation from me to you.

They all wander around and point at things. Again, must I remind you that former versions of this date involved CHAD and CORINNE?! How low we’ve sunk.

Arie makes them wander a maze alone in order to find him. This is how the end of THE SHINING went down, ladies! Stay alert!

 (Honestly just try to make your way out of there and don't look back)

(Honestly just try to make your way out of there and don't look back)

Of Krystal, Arie says: “This is her last chance.” As a hot fitness instructor who is going to be famous after this...boo hoo, I’m sure she’s crushed.

 (The Barbazon school of acting!)

(The Barbazon school of acting!)

Also WATCH her face as she tries to appear serious. OMG.

The entire convo is ridiculous and can be boiled down to this quotation:

“I don’t want to throw away all the color, texture, and depth of our relationship.” - Krystal.

LOLOLOLOL. It’s like the word equivalent of motel art.

Krystal THINKS she good at this game, but her game is too obvious. The secret of the game is to keep your game a secret.

Anyway, they kiss. Then Krystal talks some shit about Kendall. Arie runs and tattles to Kendall that Krystal was questioning Kendall’s commitment to marriage. Who wants to remind Arie that snitches get stitches?

Kendall THEN runs to Krystal. Seems like an awful lot of foolish running around, but I guess I'm the fool for watching them run around.

 (The exchange rate is one rose = one hour of kissing)

(The exchange rate is one rose = one hour of kissing)

At this point, Krystal’s entertainment value has gone real downhill and she's just become cartoonish. Kendall gives her a lot more credit than she deserves and tries to see Krystal’s pain and motivations, and it’s frankly kind of an amazing outreach. Of course, Krystal has nothing to say to this, and just blandly smiles at Arie, who has returned to deliver one unit of his flower currency.

Arie, always a drama queen, decides that he can’t make the decision yet....he must wait for dinner, and if it drags out this tension then SO BE IT.

Which will live? Which will die? That's what we're talking about, right? These 2-on-1 dates are a regular ol' Sophie's Choice situation. 

 ( "You are *this* close to not being able to come to Scottsdale again." )

("You are *this* close to not being able to come to Scottsdale again.")

Krystal, fresh off talking about Kendall without knowing her well, tells Kendall she doesn't appreciate Kendall presuming to know her and also talking about her. Also that Kendall came off as a little patronizing. Next is she going to accuse Kendall of having a raspy breath and being a fitness instructor?!

Krystal says some more ridiculous Bachelor word salad that must be transcribed to be believed:

“We were just talking about how, how this journey has been, and all the highs and lows. And through the thick and through the thin,the... really it’s...it’s indescribable. Really indescribable but yet magical... and worth it. Worth all of it.” [nods vigorously] “I was really happy that we were able to connect and chat and pick up where we left off.”

Arie takes Kendall off for some private time, while Krystal gloats about how she’s definitely getting a rose.

Back at the compound, the rest of the women muse on how Krystal is likely coming back and how terrifying that prospect is. Bekah is all “no one thought Trump would win the election! Krystal is Trump in this equation!”

Weirdly....we don’t get to see Arie’s private time with Kendall and we jump straight to the distribution of the rose. WEIRD. What went down on that part of the date that is not filmable!?!? Was it entirely swear words, or did they sit in front of a logo they aren’t able to airbrush out?

Anyway, the rose goes to Kendall.

Arie says goodbye to Krystal with some Bachelor word salad of his own. Krystal is FLOORED and abandoned.

See ya Krystal! You were not as kind as I thought you would be and not as much of a compelling villain as you thought you were. I hope a moderately successful fitness brand asks you to model for them! I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Coming up, Jaqueline, a woman I thought would be kicked off by the second episode, gets a one on one date! What a world!

“I feel like I’m going to hurl” today’s princess says.

But then, Jacqueline goes on to say something genuinely funny!

“When I got the date card, I felt like I was given a pony for Christmas. But it’s also like, if you don’t learn to ride this pony correctly by the end of the day, it’s gonna be shot.”

 ( "Argh.....what is this round thingy!? Where is the go button!?" )

("Argh.....what is this round thingy!? Where is the go button!?")

LOL. It’s always off-putting when I laugh at this shown sincerely.

Arie, a supposed CAR DRIVER by profession, can’t even drive one a few feet. This gives him the chance to pretend to fix the car and say words like “fuel injector” as if he even knows what that means.

But the car is unfixable, so instead they go to a “high fashion store” where they try on flannel or something. It's weird.

Arie says he likes Jacqueline because while she’s a woman, she also happens to be funny and intelligent. I know, he’s shocked too!

 (From the "Chico's Couture" collection)

(From the "Chico's Couture" collection)

Jacqueline is much, much less awkward than Lauren, so at least we’re not treated to another scene of monosyllabic flirting. They eat and talk. I’ve been on three dates in an hour, so I’m fairly exhausted by this point.

Arie basically says he thinks Jacqueline is too smart for him. He also makes it SUPER clear that he expects the woman who “wins” this to move to Scottsdale.

Jacqueline is pursuing a PhD. How will it work that Jacqueline has the next 6 years of her life mapped out while Arie plans on dying in an Arizona retirement home?

They both wonder if it will work - her a smart, funny beautiful woman, him a pile of mashed potatoes fashioned into the general shape of a human man, and decide to try it anyway. Unfortunately for Jacqueline, she gets the date rose.

Truly....I was really weirded out by the possibility of this date, but these two have had the most normal chemistry of ANY date I’ve seen on this show. Like, this could be a date that I was spying on in a bar (one of my top favorite activities, btw).

Arie pats himself on his back for letting a woman pursue higher education. #notallmen

OH right it’s also now the rose ceremony. A LOT has happened this ep and yet NOTHING has happened.

These women will be getting roses!

  • Tia
  • Seinne

THE FINAL ROSE GOES TO:

  • Becca K.

Going home are:

  • Chelsea - surprised about this one
  • Jenna - I think I learned her name for the first time tonight

At least Chelsea gets a personal walkout, aka the cadillac of not getting a rose.

Arie returns to deliver positively thrilling news! They are going to Tuscany!

Lauren doesn’t look thrilled. In fact, she’s terrified and annoyed and hates the idea of Arie going on dates with other women. It’s so weird when people go on this show who have never seen it before and are not familiar with its general concept and setup!

 ( "Who are all these other women? I thought I would be the sole contestant!" )

("Who are all these other women? I thought I would be the sole contestant!")

Next week! Arie learns that Tuscany is in Italy! Lauren B continues dozing! Tia is going to TELL ALL! And so much crying. Just everyone cries.

AND THEN!

 (Sort of the theme of this show)

(Sort of the theme of this show)

See you next week!

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