The Bachelor, Ep 5: Drama at the Bowling Alley
Welcome back to The Bachelor! Let’s just jump right in!
The ladies are headed to Ft. Lauderdale! They make a HUGE deal of it, which I get because I know I feel positively *dizzy with excitement* whenever I travel inter-continentally!
Arie shows up to do his best impression of someone capable of human conversation. He declares that Chelsea (the mom) is the lucky recipient of a one-on-one date. Chelsea (the woman) is coming too, presumably.
Chelsea is excited about "uninterrupted Arie time" which frankly sounds like a punishment handed down by the Hague. By now I’ve spent quite a few hours with Arie, and it’s been a low point in a year in which Trump is currently still our president.
But hey, Maquel is back! Not sure I feel like she has been enough of a presence this season to even note that she left, but I guess they gotta work with what they got. Krystal can only do so much.
The one-on-one date commences on sea.
"I'm on a boat, but I'm also with a dreamboat" Chelsea says, and all with a straight face too. I am consistently impressed with these women’s commitment to method acting. I almost believe that they mean what they are saying.
The rest of the girls watch the date from afar with binoculars stolen, allegedly, from their accommodations in East Tahoe. Maquel announces that she’s jealous because she wanted to be on a yacht. I know you’ve been away awhile, Maquel, but you want to spend time with A-R-I-E. That’s the delusion under which we’ve all collectively agreed to labor.
Chelsea, the woman, straddles Arie on the jet ski while they careen wildly about. Chelsea, the mom, is just there looking for her son’s future father.
Just when I thought I couldn't care any less about this date, they go visit a museum of classic cars. Arie takes this opportunity to dig deep into Chelsea's painful past. Oh, we have fun!
Apparently, Chelsea’s separation happened when her son was 7 months old. The father is now with a new women and they have a new kid, while Chelsea was left with her belongings in trash bags. I’ll take the liberty of speaking for every woman in America when I say GOD DAMN this man.
Chelsea, wisely, brings this real downer of a convo back to "how great" Arie is. Girlfriend is GREAT at following script. Really, A+.
Chelsea, of course, gets the date rose. He's "really proud" that's she there. There’s more to this date, but I fall asleep momentarily. It could be fatigue, it could be Ambien - who's to say?
Chelsea says the following thing, which I present to you without context:
"I exposed myself in such a way that I've never done before. And he was literally holding me."
The next day! A group date day! Of all the things in the world ABC could pay for, they are only willing to pony up for bowling. Arie says possibly the saddest assortments of words in the English language:
"In Arizona if we want to have fun, we go bowling."
That's bleak. At least the producers stage a shot of Arie bowling a strike, just to make him feel better. Little guy needed the confidence boost!
Arie injects a little competition amongst the women, of course, because he’s a man and he lives in a society wherein it’s considered acceptable and even noble to fight for the attentions of a man.
ANywaz, the girls divide themselves into two teams: The Pinups vs. The Spare Roses. Arie can barely handle the suspense of what’s to come: "I never imagined myself in the middle of a high stakes game of bowling.”
This just shows what little imagination he has.
Honestly if someone was nearby and saw this scene go down, they’d just assume this was all some weird cult stuff and all the women had been brainwashed. Right!?
One of the teams (Team Krystal) appears to be winning for much of the game, and then in fact they do win. You can’t manufacture that kind of dramatic tension!
Once Arie sees what his little competition has wrought, he feels guilty and decides it’s unfair to not let the other team participate in the great prize of getting to spend time with him. BARF. Also it’s obvious he just wants to smooch Bekah and she happened to be on the losing team (and a big part of the reason they lost, tbh).
This, of course, sends Krystal into a terrifying fit. It manifests itself as her removing her shirt and locking herself in a bathroom, where she launches into a monologue about Arie’s treachery and deception, specifically around his take baksies on the bowling terms of victory that they all contractually entered into.
The rest of the women react to this with a healthy serving of haterade.
Furthermore, Krystal announces to the group that she’s not going to join the rest of the date tonight based on a strong principle: Arie’s actions were “disrespectful to Team Blue.”
This moment, maximized for maximum drama, quickly reaches maximum drama overload. Even Chelsea is on hand to roll her eyes!
Later, at drinks, Arie, the dolt, shows up to say: “We’re all here.” This, of course, is a perfect opportunity for Arie to find out that Krystal is not coming. He solemnly says that the right thing to do is go check on Krystal AKA spend private time with her AKA Mission: Accomplished.
“I think she wanted attention,” someone delivers the understatement of the year, as all of the women slowly realize what Krystal’s plan has been all along.
Arie checks on Krystal, who has sequestered herself in her room. Krystal must have it written into her contract that she delivers one breathy and serious speech per episode, because here comes yet another one.
BTW, If you didn’t happen to catch this episode and are wondering if it’s boring - IT IS.
Arie gives her a strong word of warning, and leaves. He does seem kind of irritated with Krystal, so it'll be interesting to see if the producers make him keep her.
The rest of the night is a performance of “Serious Talk + Makeout” with Arie in the lead male role and every woman starring opposite him.
We learn that Becca (the one that’s of-age) forgot to shower because of all the drama. I'll file that one away for future use when I'm just sort of feeling lazy.
These are always the hardest parts of The Bachelor both to watch and recap. How many times and in how many ways can you talk about Arie being creepy and leading with his lips?
Krystal, fresh off smoking 17 packs of cigarettes, dresses and then comes downstairs to dominate the conversation and further alienate herself from the other women.
While she’s got Arie’s attention, Lauren B suggests they play a little game of 21 questions, but then freely admits she might not have a full 21 stored up. After sitting through a few boring ones, suddenly a hard hitting question comes out of left field!
Arie: What do you take in your coffee?
Lauren: Coconut milk
You cannot write this stuff people!
Later, Lauren gets the date rose because he “enjoyed their conversation” and they got to know each other really well. Let's revisit what they learned about each other!!!
Arie: What do you take in your coffee?
Lauren: Coconut milk
I am beginning to hate everyone involved with this season, including myself.
The next day is Tia’s one-on-one date! Arie has arranged an airboat ride through the Everglades, where they discuss their contingency plan if attacked by alligators. This of course, makes Arie wax rhapsodic about the dangerous nature of love. A regular ol’ Neruda we got here!
I'm watching this ep at a bar, and I worry I'm going to go broke trying to drink enough to deal with it. A MacArthur Genius Grant would really go a long way here.
Since this show is two hours long, they have to fill it with a Q and A with a swamp cabin architect.
I already subscribe to Swamp Cabin Architects Quarterly, so none of this is new information for me.
Tia explains what frogging is to Arie. He responds: “I'm learning a lot about you.” Apparently ANY fact you can tell Arie impresses him.
Tia reveals that she has butterflies when she’s with Arie! In the immortal words of Samantha Jones: ”You might want to see someone about that.” Perhaps this is not a verbatim Samantha Jones quotation, but this recap can only be vastly improved by a SATC Sam Jones meme.
Tia has a PhD in physical therapy. Arie thinks this is a good sign: “There's a lot of elderly patients in Scottsdale.” DUDE let Scottsdale go. Your obsession with it at this point is bordering on uncomfortable.
They conversate, and Arie talks about growing older and about losing friends. I have a few theories, but I'm a kind person so I will only imply heavily that he’s losing friends because he’s awful, though I’d never come out and say it directly.
They also talk about faith, dating types, and which Instagram sponsorship they are hoping to get and which are merely safety choices (that last one takes place entirely in subtext).
Tia tells Arie she thinks she's falling in love with him. My eyes bug out if my head, and my wine intake dramatically spikes. Tit for tat, Tia gets the date rose. The going rate for date roses is one rose = one declaration of pre-love.
On my end, I feel a great surge of love for the fact that we’re nearing the end of the episode. And soon enough we're at the cocktail party!
Krystal has some incredible revisionist history. “The other day I wasn't hiding in my room. I was investing in myself.”
Hollllllllllly shit yet ANOTHER line I'm stealing for personal use. This is just one of the best things I’ll ever take from my time spent analyzing this show. This episode, while boring beyond belief, is really paying dividends for my catchphrase repertoire.
In another universe, Kendall asks Arie if he'd eat human flesh. Kendall WOULD, for the record, and honestly it sort of seems like a turn on for him.
I don’t like to be swayed by popular culture, but Bekah is seriously making me consider a pixie cut.
Bekah, who kind of sounds like she might have smoked a few herself, is all “yo Krystal, what are you still doing here.” Krystal is all #hatersgonnahate.
And then we cut to Jacqueline, a person I forget exists even when she's on screen, and Arie (ditto, but even more)
I wish Arie had actually done something so terrible that Krystal could go off about. Instead she's stuck with bowling drama. How is a villain supposed to act out with such poor material?
I hope the women forcibly take over the rose supply and kick Arie out instead. They can spend the rest of the season passing the Bechdel test and performing consciousness raising demonstrations. Instead I'll probably just have to re-watch all of the seasons of The L Word.
Krystal seems to be apologizing for her earlier actions. “I grew up in a bowling alley, so I was just reliving those memories.” What in the ever loving FUCK.
It's the rose ceremony, and Chris Harrison makes his first appearance! I know I act very obsessed with his financial situation, but yet again I wonder if he made his full salary this episode! How do I get this job? I'm not sure I'll be able to convincingly pull off “bland white male,” but dammit I'LL TRY.
The following ladies (though not always so lady-like) get roses:
- Bekah M
- Becca K
Final rose! Final rose! Final rose!
Also side note - I think this bar is trying to get me drunk by continuing to serve me alcohol. It's a real problem.
The final rose goes to Krystal. Duh
Maquel, Marikh, and Ashley get sent home. Sorry bout it. They’re sad, but they are only going to miss the free trips and female camaraderie.
And just like that, our long national nightmare is over.................
...................until next week’s episode! Jacqueline is still here?!?! Also Paris, plus more Krystal, and we’re not even halfway through this season. That feeling you are feeling is a chill down to your very bone(r). Sorry, I had to!
The outro is old people bowling, then quizzing Arie on who are the best kissers. Let's just follow these octogenarians around and forget Arie ever existed, shall we?