The Bachelor, Ep 4: Too Young To Be In Love

The Bachelor, Ep 4: Too Young To Be In Love

Welcome to The Bachelor Recapette! 

This week’s recap will be a little baby one, but it’s arrival is still to be met with joy and wonder at the miracle of life.

Speaking of babies!

Bekah is Capital Y - Young! She’s barely illegal, in that she’s just 3 or 4 years younger than many of the other women there. Her age is jut a little too young, and thus a little too close to revealing the fact that everyone goes on this show for fame. Contestants on The Bachelor take great exception when the artifice of their conceit is revealed, and thus is it with Bekah and her naked ambition.

The girls transform into shrieking howler monkeys when they learn they will soon be escorted to South Lake Tahoe....a place literally in the same state! The outdoor location is outdoorsy - shoutout to Scold superfan Sara Howard for the keen observation!

 (You wouldn't)

(You wouldn't)

It’s an excellent chance for the women to demonstrate how overwhelmed they continue to be when Arie demonstrates even the tiniest gesture towards them. In this instance, it's arranging for a sign to welcome them to Tahoe. *SWOON!*

We soon learn that Seinne, unfortunately for her, gets a one-on-one. They go sporting. It looks fine.

For some reason we get what feels like 10 minutes of "pine needle" talk as the remaining contestants look through their binoculars at the scenery, then narrate the wild things they are seeing. It’s extremely lyrical.

 (No sign of Peter, sorry ladies!)

(No sign of Peter, sorry ladies!)

Seinne’s date contains a fair amount of Scottsdale talk, in case you didn't get enough while actually visiting a few weeks ago. If Arie loves Scottsdale so much, why doesn’t he MARRY IT?!? He’s already on a show to facilitate this!

Arie reveals that he's extremely close with his family. Raise your hand if you're shocked that Arie is a mama's boy! Now notice how both of your hands are still firmly planted at your sides.

It also comes to light that Arie is the worst conversationalist this show has ever seen - and that includes someone whose entire vocabulary was the word Whaaabooom, just with different tonal inflections.

Because this had to happen sooner or later, Bekah gets a one-on-one date! Everyone can't believe that Bekah is only 14......or that she and Arie have a 14 year age difference. It’s sort of unclear, or rather I may have blacked out for the 45 minutes that they were discussing this one fact.

These people make it seem like love is so rare, like something to be discovered in an attic and then appraised on Antiques Roadshow, when it seems like any old yahoo can get married. There are over 60 million married couples in the US! And I bet some of them didn't find love on a filmed reality show!

Back to the “action,” Seinne gets and accepts the rose.

 (Think about your choices, Seinne)

(Think about your choices, Seinne)

We also get a group date! The date is some sort of bullshit “survive the wild” experience which, for reasons that will never be revealed to the viewing audience, involve the women being forced to pee into a water bottle that, supposedly, then recycles it into water. I'm sure whatever producer who pitched this idea never dreamed that his fetish would actually be explored on primetime, TV. I hope this brought him joy.

Arie takes a very big swig of his own bottle, then instructs the women to do the same......if they love him. The strange oddness of this moment cannot be overstated.

Jacqueline is all fuck it, I'll drink pee!

 (Don't do it Jaqueline! They are easier ways to score a trip to Paradise!)

(Don't do it Jaqueline! They are easier ways to score a trip to Paradise!)

And just as she brings the bottle to her lips, Arie stops her and says “just fooling! It was only apple juice!” 

This woman almost drank her own urine so she can get time with a man who I'm beginning to suspect is just the husk of a scarecrow with expired Halloween candy corn rotting inside. 

To add to the intense specificity of this date’s fetishistic quality, Arie and Kendall enthusiastically eat live worms. Later, they ram their mealy wormy mouths together (no word on if the pillow-like quality of Arie’s lips was compromised).

The adventure in the wilderness culminates, as it so often does, with a dip in a hot tub. In an incredibly shocking reveal that doesn’t get nearly enough mention, Caroline and Tia admit to secret nightly trysts.

 (Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!)

(Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!)

Krystal, meanwhile, is just so irritated that many women are competing for Arie's attention. The NERVE, truly. Also, it’s clear that Krystal is trying to be this season's Corinne, but failing miserably. Corinne had a joie de vivre at her core that cannot be fabricated.

I can't believe we're in week four and I still don't know some of the blondes's names. I won’t research it but I’m fairly sure it’s Braydena or Madisone or Sinclair or Meghanette or something.

Arie doesn't know the proper noun for a taxidermied animal. That is one of the most illuminating events of the evening.

Krystal acts like a villain all over the place and then pouts to Arie that she has a target on her back. She goes specifically to Tia and Caroline to tell them about how some stuff they’ve been doing...they shouldn’t be doing. It's all quite compelling.

  ("I just can't believe I'm being ostraciszed for all the things I've done.")

("I just can't believe I'm being ostraciszed for all the things I've done.")

The date rose goes to Tia. This means we now proceed to Baby Bekah’s one on one.

The rest of the girls, fairly, wonder if Bekah is ready for marriage. She’s ready for not getting married, which is what I’ve seen most of these couples do after the show ends. She’s actually miles ahead in terms of not getting married!

Bekah says how much she loves Arie's honesty, while he talks about a car crash he was in. Good to know he’s not lying about that!

Arie keeps telling Bekah how much he likes her, and specifically how mature she is! 100% he is being fed these lines, because he's basically doing everything but asking Bekah if she's 22 years of age.

I crack up when Bekah says "all of my life,” because, again, she’s near fetal.

Finally, the great shame must be spoketh.

Bekkah blushes, then reveals her true age.

  ("I'm of legal dating age. I'm sorry I kept this from you.")

("I'm of legal dating age. I'm sorry I kept this from you.")

Creepy men aren't normally turned OFF by very young women, so I'm not sure why everyone is so concerned about how this is going to play out.

It turns out Bekah comes from a family of teen brides, with her mom and sister both marrying before the age of 25 (which, coincidentally, is the age of early onset spinsterhood in most American media). This exchange is, unbelievably, exchanged:

Arie: You're 22 years old.
Bekah: What does that MEAN?

Arie worrying about her age is the most reasonable thing he's done on this show, tbh.

Of course she gets the rose anyway, with a caveat about him being scared of her youth. Again, when will America get over its hatred of youth and beauty?! It’s so unfair!

They kiss. Arie puts his fingers through her hoop earrings. It’s a sight not to be missed.

 (Also likely some weird fetish flagging)

(Also likely some weird fetish flagging)

Chris Harrison lets us know that there will be no cocktail party tonight! This has its normal effect on the women, meaning that they all have a collective mental breakdown.

The rose ceremony begins as boringly as normal, until Krystal screws up her courage to steal Arie for a moment! The rest of the women take this interruption with grace and understanding LOL JK they all freak out. They also, hilariously, know it'll be awhile and just park it on the floor.

 (And take off their shoes!)

(And take off their shoes!)

Once Krystal says what she has to say (which is...what? That she doesn’t want to go home?), we continue with the rose ceremony.

Interestingly, Jacqueline gets a rose. I guess we know all we need to about Arie's fetishes now.

Many other women get roses. Most, in fact, but not Caroline and Brittany T! Sorry ladies! You are both, and I say this with 100% certainty, too good for Arie.

The outro tonight is a treatise on glam shaming. Is Chelsea guilty of it? Does it even exist? Is Marikh right to bring up her concerns? All answers to ponder until next week's episode.

See you then!

ANTM Ep 3 - Our Interview With This Week's Eliminated Model

ANTM Ep 3 - Our Interview With This Week's Eliminated Model

ANTM Ep 2 - Our Interview With This Week's Eliminated Model

ANTM Ep 2 - Our Interview With This Week's Eliminated Model