The Bachelorette: 2017, Episodes 7 & 8!

The Bachelorette: 2017, Episodes 7 & 8!

Hi there readers! The Scold was on vacation last week and so I missed hometown visits....though I can’t say I was really missing it too much, if you know what I mean (this show is terrible is what I mean). But just because we missed last week’s episode doesn’t mean we can’t have OPINIONS about it.

Here’s a (McG)ruff breakdown of the hometown visits, also known as the week during which you zone out on your way to FANTASY SUITES week, aka Mini Bachelor in Paradise Island.

(For your consideration: a new host)

(For your consideration: a new host)

Who will cry? Who will fight? Who will fall asleep at their laptop?

ERIC is first. He shows Rachel around Baltimore, talks about how he’s never brought a girl home, takes Rachel home, and talks about how he’s only brought one girl home. Eric’s Aunt Verna is the true star of this visit, while Eric seems very sincere and happy to have Rachel around. It’s nice!

(Get this woman her own talk show)

(Get this woman her own talk show)

Next up is MIAMI, Bryan’s hometown. Also home of an 80s synth soundtrack that I believe they spent upwards of 15 cents licensing for this ep. Bryan speaks Spanish to Rachel in lieu of discussing anything serious, takes her to play Dominos (a game I’m not convinced he knows how to play), and then for arepas, which seems like a fantastic date to this person (me) who forgot to eat dinner.

Ugh. Bryan is this season’s Jordan. I’ll say it.

They then meet Bryan's family! Bryan’s mom, Olga, immediately calls for a toast to the "most amazing thing she’s ever done" (Bryan). I can’t imagine that this talk has had a healthy influence on Bryan’s self image, fyi. Also, PRETTY SURE this family is mobbed up. A woman (her relationship is never made clear) keeps repeating “blood is blood,” and, when talking about Bryan’s ex, says that her poor relationship with Bryan’s mom “led to her demise.” Yikes.

Luckily for Rachel’s life, Bryan’s mother looked into her eyes and saw she was a good person, and called off the hit. Phew.

(For now anyway)

(For now anyway)

PETER'S hometown is Madison, WI. I’m sure Rachel is getting lots of upsetting flashbacks from dating Nick “Cheese Boy” Vial (I sure am). Peter first takes Rachel to meet his friends. He makes a big deal out of the fact that many are black, but the friendship chemistry is so weak that I’d believe they hired these dudes from a casting agency. BUSTED.

Peter talks a lot about how he’s not in love, or something. Weird strategy.

("Is it weird?" "Yes.")

("Is it weird?" "Yes.")

Dean.....oof. Dean takes Rachel to Colorado and this whole segment was so painful. It’s not fun to watch someone truly struggling with anger and estrangement, and I feel terrible for Dean. It’s not fun or wacky or good entertainment. It’s someone’s pain in real time, and they should have just let him introduce Rachel to his friends, or maybe some cute puppies.

(That'll do)

(That'll do)

In the end, Rachel releases Dean, and I’m sad. I truly did a 180 on him. I think he’s a nice guy and his Instagram is cherishable. Fun fact! Dean and Alex recently posted an Instagram story of them tandem bicycling. Can you IMAGINE!? We get to live in a world in which that happened.

You’re welcome!

****

OK guys, we’re back to our regularly scheduled program of banging it out within the ABC-sanctioned confines of  FANTASY SUITES aka FUCKBED™ aka my favorite week on this show. Way back when I first heard of the conceit of FANTASY SUITES, I was shocked and sort of titillated. I’m happy to report that nothing has changed!

We begin in DALLAS! Here Rachel is, waving at people that don’t exist and falling in love with three men while just walking down the street. 

(Like you do)

(Like you do)

We’re switching things up a little because Rachel’s sister is mondo pregnant and can’t fly, hence the remaining men have to meet Rachel’s family BEFORE they bone, in a mix-up of the classic traditions of yore. This better not interfere with fantasy suites, is all I’m saying.

PETER is up first! They go pick up some baby clothes for Rachel's sister's kids (one already born, one about to be). Geesh. I’d say it's all moving too fast, but this is a show predicated on the idea that you could be married in less than 9 weeks, so I guess I’m surprised they didn’t go for an ultrasound on their first date.

Peter frolicking amongst children’s items IS a nice bone to throw to the of-child-bearing-years viewing audience, I will admit.

Back at the hotel, it’s BITCH TIME with Bryan and Eric. The subject is, of course, the only man not present: Peter, specifically: his hesitancy to propose after, again, about two months of dating. The other two just can’t understand what’s wrong with him.

("I don't know about you, but I fell in love with what's-her-name on our first date.")

("I don't know about you, but I fell in love with what's-her-name on our first date.")

Back to the date! Peter is extremely nervous, though I bet he’ll pass a mirror in the next few seconds and be reassured by the handsome face looking back at him, only to discover it’s actually HIM! Dumb, pretty Peter.

INTERESTINGLY enough, Rachel's father will NOT be joining us today. He’s still a Federal Judge, apparently, and still has better sense than the rest of his family! I’m pretty sure if he had appeared it would become legal grounds for dismissal of every case he ever ruled on, so it's smart to play it safe.

Before they enter the house, Peter tells Rachel that he IS falling in love with her, but it’s not love quite yet. The distinction these people make between their feelings is so ridiculous and manufactured and yet provides 80% of the drama on this show.

("I could eat, but I'm not exactly hungry just yet. Same thing.")

("I could eat, but I'm not exactly hungry just yet. Same thing.")

We find out that Peter’s parents take the same FAST AND LOOSE approach to marriage that ABC does, because apparently they married after just a month. Also I love how everyone on this show whose parents have been married for several decades acts like it's some point in their favor. YOU are not in your parent's marriage, Peter! You don't get to claim that victory! Also it’s not a mark against you if your parents got divorced, ABC!

Peter talks about how skeptical he was while embarking on this journey. EVERYONE comes into this show “skeptical,” ever noticed that? Can you imagine if a cast member of the Real Housewives franchise came onto their season and was like “I was super skeptical about the process of this TV show, but now I find I truly am drinking Pino Grigio and talking shit about my friends behind their back!” Clearly I can imagine it.

Peter does a good job of seeming (being?) sincere. He then tells Rachel's family how he wasn’t in love with her for SO long. Then he says PSYCH! I AM falling in love with her! 

(If it doesn't work out with Rachel, I see another woman who might not mind a chance)

(If it doesn't work out with Rachel, I see another woman who might not mind a chance)

Constance agrees that Peter is handsome. She wants to get to the bottom of Peter, or Peter’s bottom. It’s unclear. She points out that Peter being the most reserved makes Peter the Rachel of last season. MIND FUCK!! Speaking of fucks.....when will this all be over and when can we get started on you-know-what week?

Peter gets his time with Constance’s husband, who is all “Rachel ain’t perfect.” Same to you, asshole!

Even Rachel’s mom gets in on this roundtable - asking Peter what he loves about Rachel. Peter might not yet love Rachel, but he apparently loves telling anyone who will listen that he’s not sure if he wants to propose. But Rachel’s mom takes it well! I kind of do too! It’s reasonable for about 7 weeks of non-continuous dating.

("I would like your permission to take Copper's paw in marriage.")

("I would like your permission to take Copper's paw in marriage.")

Also - WHO tells someone they love them before boning? This show is so traditional and yet so filthy at the same time!!!!

Some other stuff happens but none of it matters because COPPER is back!!!!!!!!!!! We get precious little time with him but I’ll take it.

("Do YOU know where I've been all season?")

("Do YOU know where I've been all season?")

I’m starting to get a terrible pit in my stomach that this episode will not contain Fantasy Suites, and I am FUCKING PISSED. Fuck Episode™ is all I have in this world!

Next up.... it’s ERIC'S turn at bat! And as soon as he leaves, the remaining two men proceed to talk shit about him. I’ve said it before, will say it again: men are such drama queens.

Back on the date! Eric seems very genuine. But I’m judging everything against Bryan, so that pile of fresh fruit they’re sitting in front of is also striking me as pretty genuine right about now.

(Nobody is allowed to eat on this show and I now see why)

(Nobody is allowed to eat on this show and I now see why)

Next, they move on to Rachel’s family’s house! Rachel’s cousin talks pretty glowingly about Peter’s visit, so Eric apparently has a high, Peter-sized bar to clear.

Eric and Rachel’s family talk about many things, including: Eric’s appearance on After the Rose, Eric’s upbringing and, of course, how Eric hasn’t ever kissed a girl, basically. Turns out Eric has never been in love! This is a shock to the audience if they only started watching this season within the last 5 minutes.

Eric says he loves Rachel but isn’t in love with her. Again....these silly people and their ridiculously stringent distinctions. This show isn’t about subtlety! It’s love or not love! Fantasy suites or, god forbid, not Fantasy Suites! Corinnes and Chads or no Corinnes and Chads! There’s no grey area!

Ugh, I stop and think about how great Rachel is. I really want her to find love! Damn this show.

(I mean, she's still a hot lawyer, so I'm sure she'll be fine)

(I mean, she's still a hot lawyer, so I'm sure she'll be fine)

Eric and Rachel’s mother sit down for a serious talk, which is going pretty well until Eric asks for Rachel’s mom’s permission to propose. Rachel’s mom acquits herself nicely by saying she trusts her daughter and will go with whatever she decides. Eric smiles. Will keep you updated as this situation unfolds.

Ok, we still have an hour and change. PLENTY of time to bone three guys. I still have hope.

We’re down to our last family visit with Bryan. “You only get one chance to make a first impression,” Bryan says. Wow. What a great quote. He should copyright it! So fresh and fun.

(So inspiring)

(So inspiring)

AGAIN! The two remaining guys talk shit about the third that’s off on a date. As predictable as the tide.

Rachel makes Bryan meet two of her girlfriends (aka female friends). I’m almost sure this is a trap to see if he’s going to hit on her friends when she goes to the bathroom. Update: he doesn’t. THIS does happen, however:

Bryan: “I’m 37."
Rachel’s girlfriends: “Oh nice.” 
(I'm watching you, Bryan)

(I'm watching you, Bryan)

Can you imagine if their genders were reversed? If Nick Viall brought one of his final four home and she was all “I’m almost 40” and his bro friends were all “niiiiiiiice."

Rachel says Bryan has “no gimmicks, no games,” and I think we must have differing definitions of those words because *I* would say that speaking Spanish at the beginning of every date to get in Rachel’s good graces is SORT of a gimmick.

("Uno........deux..........tres..........we'll get to the rest later.")

("Uno........deux..........tres..........we'll get to the rest later.")

Rachel comes clean with a truly shocking reveal: she thought Bryan was a douchebag when she first met him! Sometimes first impressions are accurate, Rachel! Maybe take some time and re-consider your gut reaction! I’ll wait.

Next up is another family visit. We the audience have already met Rachel’s family twice! COME ON! I’m missing Fuck Hotel™ for this?!

Bryan kicks things off in a fun and surprising way but saying that his mother is the #1 woman in his life and always will be. WOW.

Bryan then uses the word “love” almost immediately, and as well as it worked on Rachel’s friends, it works equally un-well with Rachel’s family. Her mom grills Bryan about wife vs. mom - who do you choose? Bryan says wife, but we all know who's first in his heart (the woman who has threatened, nay promised, to kill for him).

("Don't you ever fucking forget it.")

("Don't you ever fucking forget it.")

Rachel seems pretty unhappy with how harsh the questioning has become, but unfortunately Bryan can’t get out of it by sticking his tongue down everyone’s throat, which is his normal modus operandi.

The interrogation continues through lunch. Constance is NOT having it, it being whatever Bryan is trying to sell. Rachel’s uncle also throws a question at him, and it’s all too much for Bryan, who immediately excuses himself to call his mommy, I assume. Rachel is upset that her family isn’t already signing the marriage license as witnesses.

Can you imagine being 9 months pregnant and having to deal with this?

(This is the face you would make)

(This is the face you would make)

Later, Constance’s husband tries telling Rachel that she’s being too emotional. Guess how well THAT goes over!

Ok, we’re down to 1 hour. Would they squeeze boning into an hour? Please God, grant me this wish. It’s all I have!!!!!!

Back to the group date (the group being Rachel’s family)! Constance chats with Bryan. She keeps saying “I really can’t believe you’re in love so soon.” Bryan’s all “believe it. I’ll make you.”

Rachel tells her mom she’s falling in love with Bryan, and it’s not the best thing Rachel’s mom has ever heard. Side note: what is with this weird placement of the telescope?

(What....or should I say WHO....are they spying on?)

(What....or should I say WHO....are they spying on?)

Ugh. Everything coming out of Bryan’s mouth sounds like he’s a bad actor auditioning for a movie. Also, his watch doesn’t look that great on him, I’ll say it.

Bryan asks Rachel's mom for her permission to propose to Rachel in a few hours, if that's cool with her. Rachel’s mom says, again, that she trusts Rachel’s judgement. Maybe.....just maybe.....you should question it a little.

Rachel and Bryan finally end this inquisition/date, and Rachel says she’s really proud of Bryan for enduring something two men previously get through with no problem.

NEXT! We’ve traveled to Northern Spain, but I haven’t even left my couch! Rachel says she’s spending the next few weeks here, and seeing her luggage, I am frankly shocked! 

(There's NO way)

(There's NO way)

Rachel says that “if the dates go well,” she’ll be spending time with the guys in the fantasy suites, and she plans to “take advantage of every second.” YES! We’re getting closer! We’ve never been closer to Fantasy Suites, in fact!

The first person to get a date is ERIC! Rachel says she’s most confused by him, so she’ll spend the date trying to work out his mystery. They ride in a helicopter (of course), and it’s actually quite beautiful.

Rachel asks Eric what he’s learned about her: “You don’t really need much. But you need everything.” 

He said something. He said nothing.

Later that night! Are we dangerously close to *doing it?* I know it may sound like I’m obsessed with Fantasy Suites, but it’s only because I FREAKING AM OBSESSED WITH FANTASY SUITES. It’s the purest distillation of everything this absurd show has to offer.

Eric reflects that they’ve had “so many moments,” including but not limited to helicopters and kissing. You’re going to have to be more specific, Eric. That’s about every damn day on this show.

Eric says he’s in love with you. You being Rachel, not the audience of this recap, though I’m sure he feels warmly towards you as well. Rachel is pretty pleased. Music starts swelling, and these two don’t even seem taken aback. Total pros.

Rachel gives Eric a gift.

(That Chris, always playing pranks)

(That Chris, always playing pranks)

Chris hasn't really had a lot to do this season, has he? He still gets to invite Rachel and her suitors to an *unforgettable night.* But really just the hotel owner could do that, right? How much money are we wasting on Chris Harrison’s salary? Couldn’t we just split that among the audience as an incentive for lasting through an entire season?

Let’s see.....Chris Harrison gets paid $60k per episode (unsure if it’s only the ones he’s prominently IN, or every episode filmed, but let's go with every episode of the season). Assuming that includes the “Men Tell All” and “After the Rose Ceremony,” he’s taking down a cool $720,000 per season (with multiple seasons a year!). Now, 5.7 million people tuned into the premiere of this season. Crunching the numbers, I come to the conclusion that America could get about 13 cents each if we forgoed a host whose only job on this show appears to be notifying the contestants of how many roses are left. I say let's get our 13 cents!

Anyway. This conversation is had:

Rachel: “Do you want to do this?”
Eric: “Yes. All in, for the win.” 

They are talking about sexual intercourse, in case you have forgotten all the talk about sexual intercourse *I’ve* done during this episode.

(Also....not exactly a fantasy suite, is it?)

(Also....not exactly a fantasy suite, is it?)

We get the telltale sign of the bedroom lights turning off, signifying that it’s time to bone. ABC, you nasty.

THE NEXT MORNING!

They get coffee, if you know what I’m saying. Wink wink wink wink. Also, have two black people ever had sex on this show? Serious question! I believe this must be the first time!

NEXT UP! It’s PETER!

They are off to explore a vineyard together! The owner shows up to chat about it, and Rachel speaks enough Spanish to understand that this vineyard is built on love (and hopefully stone or something more substantial than any love found on this show). The man then breaks into a rousing song, and the three all drink wine while I curse my currently wine-less existence. Is there a crueler fate than watching this show while sober?

The owner has a surprise! Is this their fantasy suite? 

(LOL, no, it’s just more wine)

(LOL, no, it’s just more wine)

Sidenote: have we heard Peter make even one joke this entire season? I miss Dean and, no surprise, Alex. I know this show isn’t a “comedy" per se, but I would enjoy some levity. Peter is good looking but I don’t think he’s ever made me (intentionally) laugh. How could you want that in a partner?

Peter’s favorite topic of conversation is once again brought up: his uncertainty about marriage. It’s a real snoozefest, but thankfully it’s broken up by some weird fetish shit. 

(Some poor consumer is drinking this weird sex wine RIGHT NOW)

(Some poor consumer is drinking this weird sex wine RIGHT NOW)

Later, Rachel is ready for her alone time with Peter. "Tonight, is everything," she announces. FINALLY! Someone who gets it.

“Here is to many firsts,” Rachel says. They cheers.

We soon get more amazing “am I in love you with” drama. It’s SO fun. Rachel is basically all “engagements are no big deal.” Peter doesn’t fully agree.

I don’t think I’m going to see any more boning tonight. Will this fight lead to a fantasy suites encounter? I’m having a tough time seeing how that happens.

(I had my body language expert review this photo and she said 'meow!' cause she's actually a cat)

(I had my body language expert review this photo and she said 'meow!' cause she's actually a cat)

Is Peter even INTO Rachel? I’m not sure if he’s purposefully manufacturing drama or just isn’t that into her. Either way, he’s walking a fine line of making my girl Rachel cry. Bryan never makes her cry, Peter! Take a cue from his book.....and I NEVER thought I’d have to say that to you.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Next week is THE MEN TELL ALL special!

Then TWO WEEKS from now, we get the culmination of boning week AND head straight into matrimony fortnight! See you then!

Who Said It: Anthony Scaramucci or Bethenny Frankel?

Who Said It: Anthony Scaramucci or Bethenny Frankel?

The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 6!

The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 6!