The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 3!

The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 3!

Welcome back!

The episode picks back up with all the men surrounding DeMario, à la the end of The Lottery (a story I reference at least once a season for how germane it is to this show). Don’t worry, SECURITY is there. Tensions do explode on tonight’s episode, but it happens later and with different protagonists.

 DeMario finally gets his audience before Rachel, and all he has to say is that he just can’t let Rachel go.

“She ain’t going to say ok!” I shriek aloud as he makes his case to be let back into the house.

Elsewhere, Blake does some weird rhapsodizing about how Rachel might be “feeling vulnerable,” and as such she might just forgive and forget. Ugh. Women. SO EMOTIONAL and always thinking with their feelings.

HOWEVER. This says it all

(Vulnerable my ass)

(Vulnerable my ass)

We take a quick detour into rape culture as DeMario tells a cute little story about his driver’s advice: “Don’t take no for an answer.” Actually morally and legally you should take no for a final answer, DeMario and everyone! Write it down if you have trouble remembering!

Unfortunately, in the end, DeMario *is* going to have to take no for an answer, as Rachel boots him out a second time. See ya! And tell your driver to rethink his worldview!

Damn. Rachel is so on fire during this whole exchange that it almost feels like it’s scripted. I don’t actually think it is, but it's just so snappy how she dresses him all the way down (but not literally).

After she’s summarily disposed of DeMario, Rachel returns to the guys. Their first question, naturally, is if DeMario is coming back.

 “Fuck no.” Rachel responds. Fuck yeah!

And just as quickly as the drama started - then a week went by, then we returned to the drama, then some mild drama played out - it stopped. 

Somehow the Tickle Monster is still on the show. Between him and Whabooom, I’m not sure who has more bodies piled up in a semi detached garage that he’s renting from a kindly and unsuspecting older woman!

(If Rachel goes missing, I know where to look first)

(If Rachel goes missing, I know where to look first)

Rachel is impressed that Alex is completing a Rubik's cube while talking to her. Frankly I’d be annoyed that he was being kinda rude and not paying attention to me!

She’s forced to interact with Whaaabom after he’s had, I’m going to say, 8 or 9 drinks?

My boyfriend and I take a trip down memory lane and remember the incident where Evan demanded money for the shirt Chad destroyed. Remember how absurd and GOOD that was? I'd kill for some good t-shirt drama right about now.

(I'd even settle for some good food drama!)

(I'd even settle for some good food drama!)

I’m snapped back to reality as Lucas is spinning a truly absurd tale about an event that (possibly) occurred the other night. In "the event" (certainly not in reality) Blake was standing over Lucas’s bed while sensually licking and then eating a banana. This is wild!

Rachel is....I want to say shocked by this story, but it’s more that she is just all “oh great, here’s something I have to deal with now.” So she takes it straight to Blake.

It’s sort of crazy that Blake’s first defense against this story is that he doesn’t eat carbs, so he'd never be eating a banana! Couldn’t he just be all “that’s an absurd story told by an obviously drunk man?” Or that he wasn't even in the mansion the night before because he was out killing all those women?*

*ALLEGEDLY

 Chris is here, and his presence naturally triggers the rose ceremony! The following men are given the honor of holding a small rosebud for an evening! 

  • Bryan
  • Bryce
  • Eric
  • Anthony
  • Will
  • Jonathan
  • Jack
  • Matt
  • Alex
  • Adam
  • Kenny
  • Brady
  • Lee
  • Iggy
  • Fred

Ohhhh. Let me set the scene: Things are TENSE because it’s the final rose, and it’s got to be between Lucas and Blake (according to Lucas and Blake). Who will Rachel choose? Will the final rose go to Lucas or Blake?!?

 The final rose goes to .......Diggy! #twist

“Sad day in paradise.” Lucas intones. His whole shtick is irritating, but I’d have chosen Lucas over Blake any day of the week, including whatever day this scene was filmed on.

Apparently being a contestant on this show was literally the only thing stopping Blake from engaging in full on homicide, because he quickly announces: “Time to kill this guy.” He then casually slings an arm around Lucas. 

("You know you're my goddamn best friend, Whaaabooom.")

("You know you're my goddamn best friend, Whaaabooom.")

Blake is upset he “lost” to Lucas. You better believe Lucas has some words drunken ramblings to respond with.

“It’s not about winning. It’s about the world. And you have no idea idea what the world needs.” Surprisingly true and wise, Lucas!

“Funny is not Whaaabom.” Blake counters.

This scene really is going on a shockingly long time. Here’s a video so you can relive all the magic of two men blaming each other for getting kicked off a reality show neither had even a chance of winning!

 Let’s check in with Rachel and see what she’s up to after all this dramz: “I want to start off this week with a bang.” GIRL WAIT TILL FANTASY SUITES!!!! #lol

“The episode isn't over yet, is it?" My boyfriend asks. Oh you sweet simpleton! We're not even HALFWAY THROUGH!

The next day! Chris shows up to brag about how great the dates are! First rule, CHRIS: show don’t tell. The first daters are:

  • Bryan
  • Jonathan
  • Peter
  • Alex
  • Will
  • Fred 

Sidebar: Why does Fred always look so sad? Is he perpetually in time-out?

:(

:(

Tonight’s date might just be mildly tolerable! They are going on Ellen's eponymous show! They are transposing this show, with it’s questionably likable host and dozens of men, to a show with a highly likable host and an audience of 90% women! Also I'm nearly positive that this is more of the same, re: telling Chris Harrison that he’s not the only host in the bizz, so get your act together dude!

Rachel and Ellen are gabbing and watching the men on a television as they arrive at the studio. As Jonathan comes onscreen, Rachel reveals that he tickled her when they first met.

“Oh I don’t like that. Why is he still here?” Ellen says. Good Q!

Ellen briefly interviews Rachel, and then ushers forth the men to do whatever acts she will soon demand. She nearly immediately asks which of the men have kissed Rachel (the answer is particularly shocking to the men who haven’t!), and then orders the men to take off their tops and dance for cash with the women in the audience.

(Those are mostly Bryan's singles, FYI)

(Those are mostly Bryan's singles, FYI)

 This show is PROFANE! Never have I ever seen a relationship (successfully) start with such a stunt. End, perhaps.

(I would give one of my kidneys for Ellen to be the host from now on)

(I would give one of my kidneys for Ellen to be the host from now on)

The men really take to it. Peter isn’t shown dancing, and Fred isn’t shown at all. I’m sure both of these decisions were to the benefit of Peter and Fred. It turns out that Alex is a phenomenal dancer, and he takes to the challenge like a duck to a dating show where he’s trying to meet another duck to marry. #duckmarriage

(Lord, my heart)

(Lord, my heart)

After they’ve finished earning enough for Ellen to pay her rent this month*, she then grills them mercilessly about their past secrets and lies. It's a lot of "never have I ever," and other games that adults play during the courtship ritual.

 *ALLEGEDLY

After the show, the men who haven’t kissed Rachel have to emotionally come to terms with the fact that some have. This spurs something deep within Fred, who announces that he’s going to show Rachel his “manly side.” I super hope that’s not code for dick pic.

The date continues well into the night. I must report that Alex has totally charmed me. And Rachel, apparently, as she soon adds Alex to the pile of guys she’s made out. Also added to the pile are repeat offenders Will and Bryan and Peter.

("We don't have to tell Ellen about this, do we?")

("We don't have to tell Ellen about this, do we?")

Fred wants his chance, waiting in the wings and applying several coats of chapstick in preparation. “I’ve been waiting to kiss her for like 25 years.” That IS creepy dude, in case you were curious to know an outsider’s opinion! 

While Fred and Rachel talk, I feel a great sense of dread, because I know Fred is going to try and kiss her, and I can tell that Rachel doesn’t really want to kiss him. He ends up ASKING her if he can kiss her, which makes Rachel feel awkward. Then Fred just kisses her, and *I* feel awkward.

“I’m excited to get the rose," Fred announces to the camera once he's come up for air. He’s not getting the rose, I predict.

Sure enough, Rachel takes Fred aside, and I sense it’s not to bestow a romantic red rose upon him. Rachel fills the audience in on what they probably already had guessed: “It was like a little boy was kissing me.”

I dunno, maybe find a new way to phrase that, Rachel? Let’s not get Child Protective Services involved if we don’t have to.

Rachel, very kindly, let’s Fred down. She just can’t get over knowing him when he was a kid. And I get it! I’ve known 8 years old before and I wouldn’t want to smooch the adult versions of them, and it’s kind of creepy that ABC forced this and forced me to write that sentence!

After the big break up, these two then get to share a delightfully romantic, totally silent elevator ride down to the first floor, where they hug goodbye. Fred handles it pretty well, while the men all spy from above.

(Go to your nearest Webster's Dictionary, look up the words "romantic date," see this photo listed in the definition)

(Go to your nearest Webster's Dictionary, look up the words "romantic date," see this photo listed in the definition)

Rachel comes back and promptly gives Alex the rose. A proper choice!

Back at the house, Eric is around, complaining that Rachel isn’t giving him enough attention. Whaaa whaaaa whaaaaaaaaa man. It’s such a fun sub plot and don’t worry! Eric worrying about why he isn’t getting enough attention continues and we then get a SEQUEL where Eric is worried about why is he getting TOO much attention.  

We find out that Anthony gets the one-on-one date! But weirdly they didn’t film (or didn't air) him getting the date card, which is strange because they film EVERYTHING and earlier these people aired 17 minutes of Blake and Lucas going back and forth, tête-à-tête (or whatever the dim witted version of that is).

Today’s date demands that Anthony and Rachel ride horses down Rodeo Drive (the producers noticed that it’s spelled the same as rodeo and called it an early day). The two steer their horses into a store called “West,” health code regulations be damned! They then have to try on shoes without getting off their horses. It’s totally bizarre and I have a suspicion/theory that maybe we’re watching someone’s fetish be filmed? Some producer is getting his sick jollies off with this very specific scene? Is this what is considered “a perk” to work on this show? Have I gone too deep on the hidden meanings of The Bachelorette

In other news, Anthony looks pretty good as a cowboy, truly!

Screen Shot 2017-06-06 at 10.22.34 PM.png

Soon enough, the inevitable happens, and one of the horses protest his treatment and involvement with this show by shitting all over the floor of one of the poor stores that agreed to this gag.

(The shit wouldn’t sign a waiver, I guess)

(The shit wouldn’t sign a waiver, I guess)

“Today has been a once in a lifetime experience,” Rachel says, meaning she hopes she never has to do it again, I think. Although they seem to be having fun and vibing with each other! That’s nice to see! Anthony seems.....respectful? Of course, I’m always concerned any time I compliment a man on this show. I fear it’s going to turn around and bite me when he inevitably does something that shows why he went on a show like this in the first place.

Back at the mansion! Next week’s date card arrives!

  • Brady
  • Dean
  • Adam
  • Kenny
  • Bryce
  • Lee
  • Jack
  • Eric

 Back to the date! Anthony easily gets the rose! It’s a nice sweet date, and I’ll allow it!

Back at the house, Eric is STILL going on his insecurity ride and unfortunately bringing us all along with. The rest of the men spend their night trying to decide what the card, which said something about “women taking charge,” means, and if you think some of the ideas had to do with shopping, it’s only because you recognize that we live in a very sexist society! 

OH SHIT!!!! NO TIME TO TALK! Corinne, Raven, Alexis, Jasmine are here! They are “Rachel’s girls,” as we are to hear numerous times, and they are here to judge and jury all these men!!! It’s such a relief to see them, particularly after spending three weeks with all this testosterone. I wish they could stay all season as a sort of Greek chorus.

It must be tough for these men to not openly ogle Rachel’s friends in front of her.

(Trying his hardest)

(Trying his hardest)

Tonight's date is to take place at a Cowboy lounge, which can mean only one thing: GROUND BEEF WRESTLING!

(They tell me that’s mud but I don’t buy it)

(They tell me that’s mud but I don’t buy it)

Dean looks like he’s having some conflicting feelings about this.

(That's the face you SHOULD have had after your "going black" comment, FYI)

(That's the face you SHOULD have had after your "going black" comment, FYI)

Ugh, Alexis is such a treasure. Basically all the women on this episode are 10 times better than 90% of these guys (you do the math). Look how much fun they are having!

(Cheers to you too!)

(Cheers to you too!)

None of the guys are eager to fight Kenny, the professional wrestler. I’m eager for the guys I don’t like to fight Kenny! It’s all pretty sensual and homoerotic, and you don’t even have to take my word for it because I screenshot most of it:

Kenny easily defeats most of the men, including Lee and after everything that just came out, it feels good to watch! The girls are LOVING THIS, btw. Just having a ball.

The last round is Bryce vs Kenny! The winner, inexplicably, is Bryce, and my guess is just that Kenny went more rounds or wrestled more recently. It's the only explanation.

Rachel then gathers her coven to discuss who is killing it and who is getting killed. The girls love Dean and are concerned about Eric. I’m sure Eric is going to handle it very well when he hears that!

The date continues, tragically, without Rachel’s posse. To all the ABC execs reading this: I won’t get mad if you bring them back every week. Yes, including during FANTASY SUITES week!

Kenny reveals that he used to be a Chippendale’s dance! Dancing, naturally, ensues.

Next up is Eric, who is still on a weird existential trip that I don’t really understand or care to try to understand. Rachel takes the opportunity to tell Eric that Bryce and Lee talked shit about him. Rachel! You little pot-stirrer!

Bryce may have too many eyelashes. I’ll say it.

(Or are elves just naturally full-lashed?)

(Or are elves just naturally full-lashed?)

After Eric hears about what’s been going on, he goes to cunt-front Lee. It....goes strangely. Actual exchange:

Lee: Have you or have you not experienced love?
Eric: You know the answer to that. Which is no.

Lee keeps saying “I love you,” to Eric, which is creepy after everything that’s come out (specifically that Lee is an unrepentant racist with seriously retrograde opinions!)

Rachel returns and gives the group date rose to Eric. Lee handles it as well as most racists handle anything!

The next day! Rachel shows up to hang out with these men more, when we all know she’d rather hang out with her girl gang. Iggy tries to warn Rachel about Eric, only to be interrupted by Diggy. It’s not really a salient plot point, but it is the beginning of a Dr. Seuss book I’m ghost-writing called Iggy and Diggy Get Jiggy.

Lee, who let’s not forget is a terrible racist, decides to throw Eric under the bus. Get a new hobby, Lee! Or better yet - leave! I don’t understand this drama. I don’t understand Rachel’s interest in Eric, Eric’s whole breakdown, and why Lee was ever cast on this show.  Rachel goes back to Eric for reassurance and to “deepen their connection,” or something. Bottom line, he gets to keep the rose.

("What was my problem again?")

("What was my problem again?")

Eric uses this opportunity to gather the men and demand that they stop paying attention to him! It’s not hard to root against Lee and Bryce, but I’d prefer a fight where at least one person was in the right.  

To be continued!

Coming up next week!

Kenny calls Lee a bitch! Will schools Lee in racism! I actually can’t wait to see that!

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Link Roundup: 6/9/17!

Link Roundup: 6/9/17!

Shave Like a Man

Shave Like a Man