The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 5 PART TWO!

The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 5 PART TWO!

WE RETURN!

I don’t want to waste any time on Kenny and Lee drama because I think ABC is a fuck for making us live through it, so here's the beginning and end of my thoughts on the first part of this episode.

The drama ends with Lee getting kicked off at last, Kenny making the poor choice to confront Lee instead of getting immediately into the helicopter with Rachel, Rachel not giving Kenny the rose, then Rachel giving Kenny the rose.

Later! Kenny has an emotional conversation over the phone with his adorable daughter. #foreshadowing

Josiah is seen talking to Matt. Is this the first conversation not centered around embroidery that Matt has engaged in? I don’t care to review the official tapes, because we've got a ROSE CEREMONY to get to. Rachel looks fab.

Throughout the whole rose ceremony, Josiah keeps talking about what he knows best: Josiah! “If she doesn’t pick me, there’s something wrong with her brain.” He says. What a total charmer.

Kenny, Bryan, and Will already have roses. And now too so do:

  • Dean
  • Eric
  • Peter
  • Alex
  • Adam
  • Matt

GIRL WHAT. Josiah and Anthony are shown the door. Adam and Matt....get to stay? Over Josiah, I totally get. But you had a connection with Anthony! And *I* have zero connection with Adam and Matt. What gives?!?!

“Nobody in this house thought I was going home.” Josiah announces. I’m pretty sure Rachel is in that house and she had an inkling.

(Also Adam Jr. has taken his obsession to new depths of depravity)

(Also Adam Jr. has taken his obsession to new depths of depravity)

Next! We fly off to Copenhagen, where Eric is the first to get the one-on-one date! They boat around and drink champagne, which seems like a pretty nice date. Eric asks Rachel lots of questions about herself, having clearly learned his lesson from Josiah.

During the date, Rachel reveals that she wants 4 kids. Eric wants 10. Somehow the date continues past that.

They soon find themselves in a city center hot tub, where they are flashed by locals. It delights Rachel.

(The only place nudity is condoned is in the FANTASY SUITE, dude)

(The only place nudity is condoned is in the FANTASY SUITE, dude)

“Best date EVER!” Eric announces! 

Back at the house, the date card arrives! The following men will be dating!

  • Dean
  • Kenny
  • Bryan
  • Alex
  • Matt
  • Peter
  • Adam

That means Will gets the one-on-one date. It's a simple process of elimination.

Back at the date, and onto dinner, Eric tells Rachel two things: a) he never got love growing up and b) he’s falling for her. Rachel is pretty into the second thing, and she gives him the rose. Honestly Eric is pretty cute when he smiles and is not wildly accusing everyone in the house of gossiping about him.

They celebrate their love by shrieking on a roller coaster.

The next day!!! Today’s date involves exploring the sea “the viking way,” and I actually pause this episode to wait until my boyfriend gets home because no one (in my household) knows more about vikings than he does.

***

He returns, and we all set sail in a viking longship! Alex is shown grunting and rowing, and I have to literally fan myself. The group soon arrives upon a pair of viking reenactors, who, according to my boyfriend, "seem to lack a certain degree of enthusiasm and bloodlust.” 

(In fact Tom and Morton seem pretty chill)

(In fact Tom and Morton seem pretty chill)

Dean looks like a larper. It’s the hair. 

("Rawr.")

("Rawr.")

The men must then compete in viking games. Kenny is VERY into this role playing, and it’s nice to see him in a plot that doesn’t involve Lee. Kenny is so moved with the viking spirit that he advances onto the final round of play, along with Adam. After some pretty heated play, Kenny wins, but BOTH of them end up with split eyebrows from their shields (though no one has hurt feelings).

I’m into this kind of drama:

(LOL love this)

(LOL love this)

Kenny calls himself a viking king, although apparently vikings didn't have kings, they had chieftains. #themoreyouknow

The group moves on to evening drinks. Bryan immediately takes Rachel aside to “talk.” However, the only “talking” Bryan does is about half an hour of smoochin', which is sort of their thing now.

Back at the house, Will admits that he mostly dates white girls. Eric nods his head, almost certainly filing that info away for later use.

Back at the date! Rachel and Peter are chatting. Normal date convo, which is bo-ring. To break up the monotony, Rachel does this:

Rachel!!!!!

Elsewhere, Kenny and.......Matt (that’s how long it took me to remember his name) are talking. Kenny is having some difficulty being away from his daughter. My face does this IRL  :(

Matt takes time out of his busy schedule of not doing anything all season to gossip to Rachel about Kenny’s emotional difficulties. Catty move, Matt.

Rachel then goes to Kenny, and he admits that he’s having trouble. I’m not entirely sure what Kenny is trying to say as he's saying it, but I think it boils down to the fact that Kenny misses his daughter, and is not sure if this relationship is working out, thus making it not worth him being away from her.

It’s actually a pretty nice convo, if bittersweet. Two adults coming to the decision that a relationship isn’t right for them, and parting with mutual respect? On The Bachelorette!?!? Now I’ve seen everything.

(Still seems like they have some chemistry)

(Still seems like they have some chemistry)

“If Mackenzie grows up to be like Rachel, then I’d know I did my job.” Kenny says, and my face does this :...(

Bye Kenny! You seem like a standup dude, and you’re leaving a viking chieftain.

Rachel tells the guys that she let Kenny go, and then gives the group date rose to.......Peter. I wonder if Bryan and Peter are getting sick of passing the group date rose back and forth between them.

The next day! Rachel and Will are on a date! Rachel says Will clamps down whenever she’s around, which is just a super fun foundation on which to have a date!

They are boating off to Sweden! They quickly hole up in a Swedish cafe, where two random Swedes join them for coffee and ask them about their relationship and then mack in front of them while forcing Rachel and Will to watch. #rude

("Hey American strangers, get a load of THIS!")

("Hey American strangers, get a load of THIS!")

Later, Rachel and Will are standing and looking at a beautiful view, and Rachel is pissed that Will isn’t kissing her. You know this isn’t Bryan, right!?

(Pictured: not kissing)

(Pictured: not kissing)

They return to Copenhagen for dinner. Rachel is basically all “he better make out with me tonight or I’m sending him home.” Actually the date does seem sort of cold, but I can’t imagine how hard it is to have a date while cameras are in your face, so I can’t really hate.

When Rachel asks Will what kind of girls he likes, I make a joke and call out “white girls!” And then damn Will SAYS THAT!

Rachel says that she has predominantly dated black......people. HMMM VERY INTERESTING. A well of questions just bubbled up below the surface and I want to GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT. Black.......people. Not specifically black MEN. How intriguing. 

("Buy me another of these and I'll tell you more about it.")

("Buy me another of these and I'll tell you more about it.")

Back at the house! Eric is holding court and telling the rest of the men how Will only dates white girls. Ohhhhhhh snap, what a gossip that Eric is. 

Back at the date! Will spends the rest of his date talking about how much he loved his last girlfriend. Seriously, Will’s choices this entire date have been #questionable.

Rachel grabs the date rose and begins monologuing about her journey, and long story short: Will doesn't get the rose. 

Will takes it surprisingly well. He openly admits the mistakes he made, and is super respectful. What a refreshing change of pace.

But seriously. This episode has been a bloodbath! THIS is viking law! Four guys sent home already!

The next day! Rachel does her best thinking while walking dramatically on a beach and narrating her inner monologue. She has to send one man home.....and the rose ceremony is a great place to do that.

("Whom shall I enact viking law on tonight?")

("Whom shall I enact viking law on tonight?")

Chris Harrison makes a rare appearance. “You seem solemn tonight," he says, and then takes her jacket. Is he now doing butler duty on this show?! #demotion

("You won't be getting a tip.")

("You won't be getting a tip.")

Rachel says that being in Denmark makes her think of a quotation from Hamlet: “When sorrows come, they come not single spies but in battalions.”

JK. It's this one: “To thine own self be true.”

Eric and Peter already have roses. Now so do:

  • Bryan
  • Matt
  • Dean

One rose remains, and it’s between Alex and Adam.

Wtf WTF wtf how did we get to this place? Alex should already have a veritable BOUQUET by now.

..........She chooses Adam.

ADAM over ALEX?!?!?!!?!?

I didn’t think Matt or Adam would make it past the THIRD week how the FUCK ARE THEY STILL HERE AND ALEX IS GOING HOME?!?!?

(In case Rachel is a visual learner)

(In case Rachel is a visual learner)

Honestly this makes me think there is something wrong with Rachel's reasoning (something I’ve suspected since she fell in love with Nick Viall). This is the dumbest decision I’ve ever seen on my three seasons of watching this show.

I first noticed Alex when my friend (and Scold Editor-in-Chief) pointed out that there was a hot Russian bear in this cast, and I never looked back.

Rachel is crying as Alex pulls away in his goodbye limo, and I can only assume it’s because she knows she just made the dumbest mistake of her life.

(Rachel! You don't even look sure yourself!)

(Rachel! You don't even look sure yourself!)

NEXT TIME, on an Alex-less episode of The Bachelorette: I don’t care.

The END. See you NEVER.

The outro is Dean getting absolutely pwned by the rest of the men in the viking challenge. Alex is talking smack about Dean being 12 years old (though for the record, Alex is 28 and Dean is 25), and Dean tackles Alex while he’s talking to the camera. It’s fun, which we'll never have again.

(RIP: Fun, 2017-2017)

(RIP: Fun, 2017-2017)

A Word on Intersectionality, Rigged Systems, and Financial Advice

A Word on Intersectionality, Rigged Systems, and Financial Advice

The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 5!

The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 5!