The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 5!

The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 5!

Hey dudes welcome back to The Bachelorette, aka the favorite sport of masochists everywhere.

We return to Kenny taking Lee outside to talk, even though “there is no talking to Lee. Lee is a royal pain in the ass,” as Peter accurately points out.

Elsewhere, Bryan takes Rachel for a lovely nighttime boat ride, but forgets to unhook the moorings, so they just sit in a docked boat like a couple of nerds. So they smooch instead. There’s SO much tongue. Just a shocking amount.

(This looks like one of those 'the last time they were seen alive' photos)

(This looks like one of those 'the last time they were seen alive' photos)

Also Bryan is a full 12 years older than Dean. Did that blow your mind??? Should it have?!?

We return to Kenny and Lee talking. I like Kenny, I hate Lee, and I hate that Kenny has gotten roped into this subplot. “You’re a disingenuous snake, and I’m calling you on it.” Kenny says of Lee, and that’s as good as I could describe it, so let’s move on!

I will bet you 10 million dollars (that I don’t have) that Lee loves to “play devil’s advocate.” Call it a hunch backed up by the experience of meeting hundreds of douchey guys over my lifetime.

Lest we forget the stakes, we are reminded that there’s a ROSE up for grabs on this date! Rachel returns to announce its fate. The rose goes to: Bryan. Honestly I saw that coming one million miles away and had already typed his name before Rachel announced it. #duh

(Didn't seem to make him happy, though)

(Didn't seem to make him happy, though)

Alex is lookin’ cute. Peter too. Eric is pretty cute when he doesn’t talk.

Kenny gives Bryan some props for being a classy dude. Lee's all “fuck you” to Kenny in response. Kenny says he feels sorry for Lee’s parents because “they gotta be like, damn that’s our son.” Hard to argue with all that.

The next day! Rachel is excited about her one-on-one with JACK STONE. Is she excited about the possibility of getting ax murdered? Because if I were doing a seminar on which vans specifically never to get into, any one driven by this guy would be first on my list.

(Keep a safe distance of at least 100 feet)

(Keep a safe distance of at least 100 feet)

Rachel calls her and Jack Stone a “perfect match on paper.” I think maybe we should do a workshop with Rachel on how to bring her self esteem up to appropriate levels, because girl is 10000% percent better than Jack Stone on paper, rock, or scissors.

These two lovebirds soon arrive at a "Shuckin' and Shaggin’” Fest. They quickly eat oysters, the shuckin’ part, and though I knew we’d get some close ups of them eating the oysters, it was still upsetting to live through.

(A nightmare)

(A nightmare)

The shaggin’ part is dancing. Jack Stone shocks America by saying that he’s “not the best dancer.” Raise your hand if you saw THAT coming.

Rachel says she’s missing something in her relationship with Jack. THIS is how absurd this show is. On The Bachelor franchise, whenever you are not immediately falling in love with someone, you have to figure out WHY. By these people’s definitions, I meet people every day of my life where “something is missing.” But *I* don’t expect to fall in love with everyone I meet!!!!

Jack makes me feel awkward by being awkward with Rachel. He tries to make out with her. She deflects him with one kiss (which on this show is basically the equivalent of no kisses), then immediately transforms it into a hug with about a foot between them. It’s almost enough for me to feel bad for Jack because it’s SO awkward.

(This is Rachel's face before she gave him his one hug)

(This is Rachel's face before she gave him his one hug)

Back to the house! Will does God’s work by agreeing to talk to Lee, instead of pushing him off the balcony like America wishes he would.

("Look, even I wouldn't blame you, Will.")

("Look, even I wouldn't blame you, Will.")

Will schools Lee in the racist undertones of wildly accusing a black men of being aggressive. Lee, no fucking joke, says Kenny is playing “the race card.” This probably doesn’t need to be said, but It’s clear that Will is so much more intelligent than Lee that it’s painful, and pointless, for Will to even try. Lee isn’t trying to understand anyone else’s perspective or better himself. He’s just forcing a racist narrative for screen time.

Back on the date that I’m sure Rachel feels will never end! They head to dinner. The producers make sure to provide LOTS of footage of Jack waxing rhapsodic on how well this date is going. They keep letting the shot go on just a second too long to make him look extra crazy. Honestly it’s an edit I’m sure they mostly reserve for women, but I hate it any way!

Look at this gallery of his many expressions. 

Meanwhile, they make sure to keep cutting back to Rachel telling us that she’s missing something with Jack. What is NOT missing on this date is an abundance of anxiety, and I feel stressed just watching Jack try to be smooth. I prefer this to the racist drama, but I feel like there could be a third option?

Rachel’s face during this date is hilarious and telling. While she's outright grimacing, Jack Stone is talking about how they could one day get married. If they do I hope they use a screenshot from this date as their invitation. 

("Get me the fuck outta here!")

("Get me the fuck outta here!")

I can’t quite point out WHY this date is so awkward. I think it’s because Rachel knows it’s not working so she's not putting much effort into it. As she does most of the heavy lifting of being charming on dates, this one feels excruciating. Also it might be that Jack never blinks.

Jack tells her he wants to take her back to Dallas and go inside the house and lock the door behind him. I cannot imagine why that line doesn't move Rachel. Honestly this is so painful I close my eyes so most of it can pass.

Finally, mercifully, Rachel tells Jack she doesn’t feel a connection between them, and it hits him pretty hard. He stops talking for basically the first time on this date, and it’s the most I’ve enjoyed his screen presence! *Finally* she walks him out. It’s just as awkward as everything has been on this date.

(Awkward, adjective: causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience)

(Awkward, adjective: causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience)

Rachel is crying but I can’t imagine it was THAT hard for her to say goodbye to this guy. She’s probably just crying tears of relief that she gets to enjoy her dinner alone.

THE NEXT DAY!

Rachel is NOT having the cocktail party! She just doesn’t want to hang out with these dudes. Understandable!

Instead.....we cut straight to the rose ceremony! Bryan and Dean already have roses! The following men are added to their ultra-exclusive club!

  • Eric
  • Peter
  • Adam (Who says, of Rachel knowing him: “She’s had the snack. I want to give her the full kitchen.”)
  • Will
  • Matt
  • Alex (OH THANK GOD)
  • Josiah
  • Anthony
  • Kenny (good)

The last rose goes to.......Lee. Listen, I already saw previews for this ep, so I knew it was happening, but it doesn’t make it any easier to watch.

Diggy and Jonathan are shown the door. I feel nothing. The Tickle Monster takes one last turn at the bat.

(WHY are you encouraging this!?!?!)

(WHY are you encouraging this!?!?!)

Rachel announces to the guys that it’s time to take things “international!” They are headed to Oslo, Norway! Lee does a quick check to make sure it’s a majority white country, and then celebrates!

Can I take this time to once again register my complaint about this fucking awful Lee/Kenny drama!? The only Kenny drama I want to see is where he wrestles the other men and blows kisses at Rachel’s crew. The only Lee drama I want is on the reunion when he is confronted about his racist tweets.

OFF TO OSLO!

Alex brought his fun clothes with him. 

Cute dog alert! 

Rachel soon arrives to whisk Bryan away for a one-on-one date. Dean talks some shit about Bryan maybe not coming back from the date, and the rest of the guys are all “are you for real? She wants to BONE HIM.”

This date is markedly more relaxing to watch than Jack Stone’s. Maybe it’s the smooth soundtrack playing to cover any awkward pauses, maybe it’s Bryan’s ability to look at someone while blinking normally.

Rachel takes Bryan to see the best view in Oslo (that’s not her, she clarifies). And surprise! They will be rappelling off it!! Apparently it’s a full 187 feet down. Rachel points out her concerns. The producer asks what 187 means.

(LOL)

(LOL)

Rachel is scared to rappel, but seriously? You think for one second that ABC is going to air footage of their Bachelorette plummeting to her death? This is probably the safest she’s ever been in her life!

While rappelling, Bryan stops mid-descent and demands a kiss. It’s LOUD because those mics are always on. Also look at these high-waters.

(Nerd alert)

(Nerd alert)

Surprising everyone, Rachel and Bryan survive their descent and quickly make out to celebrate their continuing aliveness.

Later, at dinner: Rachel fears that Bryan is TOO charming. I....do not have that fear. He has full hair for a 37 year old, I’ll give him that. Full hair, full cheeks, can’t lose, as they say. He seems...good. He seems fine. I’m not particularly on fire for him, but I GUESS I can see why Rachel is into it. What I AM into is her gold eyelids.

(It’s a good look)

(It’s a good look)

Bryan must like it too because he soon tells Rachel that he’s “truly falling in love” with her. I gasp. Rachel is pretty into it. 

Against Dean’s predictions, Bryan gets the rose. #duh. Bryan accepts the rose “with all my heart.”

“I could see this woman being my best friend for a lifetime,” Bryan narrates. “I like Bryan a lot. A lot. A lot,” Rachel responds.

Back at the house: A date card arrives! “I’m looking for a guy who is good with his hands” it reads, and I’m not sure if you caught the innuendo because it was *quite* subtle, but I’m pretty sure there was a sexy undertone to it. Am I reading too much into things?!

(IS it sexual!?!)

(IS it sexual!?!)

The following men will be dating Rachel together:

  • Adam
  • Dean
  • Anthony
  • Peter
  • Matt
  • Will
  • Alex
  • Eric
  • Josiah

Anthony points out that it likely means that Kenny and Lee are going on a 2-on-1 date. Kenny’s face says it all. 

(Same)

(Same)

There’s a nice interlude where Bryan gives advice to Kenny about his upcoming date with the woman that Bryan recently professed to be falling in love with. How modern all these men are!

Soon enough...the group date commences! They will be playing HANDBALL! Alex’s hair in the confessional looks #incredible. How is he only 28?

Josiah thinks he’ll be good at handball because he doesn’t have “Trump hands.” IRL LOL. That’s about as political as I imagine this show will ever get. Frankly I’m surprised they even let that through.

To properly play handball, I guess, the men must slip into skin tight leotards. Josiah thinks that blocking all of Rachel’s shots is a good way to get her attention. Peter is all “who cares how many goals I score, I’m going to get handsy with her instead!” Josiah concedes that this is probably the better strategy.

GUESS WHAT! This is much more fun and entertaining to watch than Lee haranguing Kenny. Why don’t the producers understand that?!

Something *I* don’t understand is why Dean is the only one wearing a jockstrap outside of his leotard. Also why Adam Jr is still there? I mean, I guess he’s made more of an impression than his father (Partner? Brother? Acquaintance? Their relationship is never defined).

(Lover? Mother? Other?)

(Lover? Mother? Other?)

Back at the house, Kenny has a charming video call with his daughter. He’s crying. It’s fucking adorable and I hate Lee more than ever.

Lee is shown working out in his dumbass cowboy boots. Lee is not attractive. He’s actively unattractive. Did I mention I hate Lee?

Back to the date! We’re onto the evening portion. Rachel points out that they are more than halfway through “this process”, and I’m like “really? Fuck yea!”

Rachel takes Will aside on the strength of his handball victory tour (apparently he was the champ). I’m comparing all these dates to Jack Stone, and this is a home run in comparison. See! I can do sports metaphors!

Next up is ALEX. And he’s got a letter about his feelings. Oof. I will allow it because it’s Alex, but let’s not fall into these types of habits k Alex? It’s much better and safer to rest on your looks. At least Rachel seems to be into it, as she rewards him with a post-letter smooch.

(Plus this face)

(Plus this face)

Matt embroidered something??????

(I can't read the words but I'm pretty sure it's the lyrics from Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me.")

(I can't read the words but I'm pretty sure it's the lyrics from Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me.")

Rachel talks about how great tonight is, how all the guys are opening up, and how she doesn’t see how anything could go wrong tonight. So now we’ve all been warned that something is about to go wrong tonight.

This leads neatly to Josiah saying that he honestly thinks that Rachel is the one he’s going to end up with. Rachel accurately points out that he never asks questions about her, and why is that? Josiah responds by sounding exactly like a politician. His response to that accusation is: “You’re so perceptive. You’re so amazing.” Josiah keeps *telling* Rachel what she’s like, instead of finding out *from* Rachel what she’s like. Rachel points out that Josiah is disingenuous. I point out that #duh.

Next up is Peter, who also tells Rachel what she’s like, but it goes slightly better than it did with Josiah. It goes so much better that when Peter says they have so much ground to cover, Rachel suggests they cover it in the hot tub. No joke! Aren’t there like 7 other guys still on this date? They do indeed get into their bathing suits and rub up against each other in the hot tub. Didn’t see much talking, frankly.

(Though they seem to be covering A LOT of ground)

(Though they seem to be covering A LOT of ground)

Later, Rachel gathers the men to deliver the group date rose. And the rose goes to.......Will! It’s QUITE a shock to Peter, whose hair is still wet from his recent hot tub rendezvous.

The next day! The worst date in the world is about to commence. Josiah says what America is thinking: “I feel for Kenny.”

A helicopter comes to pick up Kenny and Lee! Honestly, if this date ends any way other than Lee getting nipped by one of the rotors, I’m going to be extremely disappointed. At least they can abandon Lee in the forest as Rachel and Kenny copter away. It’s the LEAST they can do.

(Not true.)

(Not true.)

First things first! Rachel takes Kenny aside to chat. He’s coming off as very sincere and interested in Rachel during this whole thing. Rachel says she gets a sense of sincerity from Kenny when she talks to him, and I urge her to GO WITH THAT FEELING.

Next Rachel pulls Lee aside. The first words out of his mouth are: “can I be honest with you?” I shudder.

He then spins a crazy tale of Kenny confessing his “dark side” to Lee, of Kenny trying to violently pull him out of a van, and everyone else being appalled by Kenny’s actions. First of all, the rest of the guys hate you too, Lee! They wouldn’t be appalled, they would be APPLAU-DING. Second, if that had happened, there would be footage. And if there were footage they would have shown it. So: no.

I hope to fucking god she’s not buying this. Her face says she not, but this show never fails to disappoint me.

(Case in point)

(Case in point)

Rachel says she had promised herself to leave “Lawyer Rach” at home, but now she has to get to the bottom of this. I hope to god she DIDN'T leave “Lawyer Rach" at home!!!!” I love it when she grills the guys! Honestly if they could build a courtroom set real quick it would be one of the most entertaining scenes they ever shot!

I'm pulled from my fantasies by Rachel telling Kenny what Lee just said to her. Kenny swears up and down it’s not true. I look for the nearest receptacle to vom into.

Rachel says she has to take some time to think. I imagine how satisfying it will be to see Lee get sent home. Also - if he came on the show hoping to further his singer/songwriter career, it fucking backfired because now everyone hates him and he had to lock down his Twitter. So good luck with that, asshole.

(394 followers lol)

(394 followers lol)

The outro is Rachel ogling all the guys in their tight spandex uniforms. Alex says they could have been even tighter for his liking. Lord have mercy!

(Tease)

(Tease)

See you next week! Or tomorrow! Whichever comes first!

The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 5 PART TWO!

The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 5 PART TWO!

What You Need to Know About Your 401k

What You Need to Know About Your 401k