The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 4!

The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 4!

Hey guys it’s The Bachelorette!!!!!!! Don’t tell me you forgot! 

Right away we get the ep started with my absolute favorite thing of all time: testosterone!!! And this ep is positively *drenched* in it, as we return to Lee and Eric doing what they do best: yelling at each other without a clear narrative thread. It’s just a lot of men gossipping, backstabbing, getting emotional and generally doing all the things that I’m sure they’ve accused women of a thousand times before.

“I’m going to have problems with some of these guys in here.” Lee warns. He doesn’t explicitly say it, but the subtext is: the black guys.

Dean openly hates Lee, which makes me like Dean more. He goes so far as to point out that all of the people Lee has been picking fights with have been.....how shall we say this......culturally different from himself, though he doesn’t come right out and call Lee a racist (though I will!).

("What I mean is that I need you to get me my favorite hair product or I will burn this place to the mother fucking ground.")

("What I mean is that I need you to get me my favorite hair product or I will burn this place to the mother fucking ground.")

Let’s take a minute to enjoy Alex’s glorious outfit. I’m super pissed that we’re spending all this time on shitty racist drama when we could be getting a full body view of whatever is going on. 

(I saved this image as "hunk alert")

(I saved this image as "hunk alert")

We get some Bryan time, in which he promises Rachel: “When you’re weak, I’m going to be strong,” which is just classic second date conversation and not strange at all. Plus more smooching.

With almost no respite, we’re back to the awful racist drama. Kenny takes Lee outside, and for the first time in this show’s history I kind of hope someone gets popped. But more than that I wish Kenny didn’t have to engage in this plotline.

Lee appears on screen and my boyfriend asks “Is that the racist one?” I think he can’t tell white people apart!

Kenny and Lee fight about Lee sneaking time with Rachel during Kenny’s time, I guess. It’s all sort of confounding, but I believe the guiding principle is that Lee is a dirtbag and the rest of the guys ain’t having it (except maybe the other dirtbags, who have yet to reveal themselves). Lee looks like a lesser villain in a movie about the confederate south, and the audience cheers when he’s sent to jail or cooked into some BBQ.

(This is the scene where his character gets drunk and makes an ass of himself)

(This is the scene where his character gets drunk and makes an ass of himself)

“Tonight was not a party. It was like a nightmare.” Rachel says. She's particularly feeling the pressures and projections of being a black Bachelorette tonight, and she's just kind of over it all. I cannot say I blame her.

Chris Harrison arrives to....help Rachel deal with the pressures of being the first black Bachelorette? Sure. He then has the unenviable task of telling the men that they are headed straight to the rose ceremony, with no additional time with Rachel! Whenever this happens on the show it’s played for HIGH DRAMATIC EFFECT, and tonight is no exception.

(The aftermath of Chris Harrison's announcement....plus Alex's full suit!)

(The aftermath of Chris Harrison's announcement....plus Alex's full suit!)

The following men get roses! Eric and Anthony and Alex already have roses, thank you very much.

  • Will
  • Dean
  • Jonathan (WHY?!)
  • Peter
  • Adam (um, what)
  • Bryan
  • Matt
  • Josiah
  • Jack Stone
  • Iggy
  • Kenny (phew, you made me sweat girl)

ONE ROSE REMAINS! Lots of dramatic music ensues.

 It goes to: Lee.

WHAT GIRL.

WHAT.

WHAT?!

SERIOUSLY!?! 

Look.....I’m going to take this as a producer-enforced decision that Rachel HAD to go with for drama. Because seriously. Over Diggy??? Who is 10000 times better looking than Lee. Over than elfin looking guy whose name I can’t remember??!!! Over a lifetime of celibacy?!?!?! Each preferable to spending even one second more with this douchebag.

Ugh.

We are soon whisked off to magical Hilton Head, South Carolina, where Rachel gets to engage in her favorite hobby of gazing dreamily off into the distance.

(She's pretty good at it by now)

(She's pretty good at it by now)

Alex continues to look incredible, although during a moment when he and Bryan are next to each other I realize that they look sort of extremely similar. Why do I have such a negative reaction to one and such a positive (ahem) reaction to the other?!? Looks like there are now EIGHT wonders of the world!

(It's blurry but the evidence has been there all along)

(It's blurry but the evidence has been there all along)

One local is LOVING this influx of men. 

(The very definition of "hiiiiiiiiii boys!")

(The very definition of "hiiiiiiiiii boys!")

We learn that Dean gets the one-on-one date, which pleases only Dean and none of the other men. His date starts with a drive in the country, where they soon park in the middle of nowhere and split a bottle of champagne while sitting on the car’s hood. They really busted the budget on this date, huh? ZING!

As soon as Rachel says she wants to take this date to *new heights*, I know some goddamn flying contraption is headed our way. And soon enough a blimp.........blimps over to them? 

Dean is scared of heights, and makes sure to tell as many people as he can. He’s extremely willing to express his nerves and anxiety and fears, which I find refreshing! Is it because he’s 25? Is this the new millennium man?

My boyfriend is relieved that Dean at least knows what gas is keeping this blimp afloat (Bar Trivia Answer: it’s helium). Rachel’s only concern is that Dean not puke all over her. I dunno Rachel - it worked for Nick and Vanessa sort of.

Rachel gets into the pilot’s seat to fly the blimp some and HOLD ON FOR ONE GODDAMN SECOND. These two were JUST SHOWN DRINKING ALCOHOL and now she is PILOTING AN AIRSHIP. You are not allowed to drink and then take command of an air vessel. This is aviation 101 people! Eight hours bottle to throttle! Surely this show has an FAA representative on payroll!?! How did this get past the censors!?

I’m so shocked by this turn of events that I’m left shaken to my core. I will admit that the hanging out and not piloting a blimp while smashed part of the date seems nice and very picturesque. 

(Exhibit A in my FAA case)

(Exhibit A in my FAA case)

The currently NOT dating guys are forced to endure the indignity of watching the blimp inch by while “Rachel and Dean are in here” scrolls on the marquee. Let’s take a moment to appreciate “Rachel and Dean are in here,” and thank our lucky stars that this show has such top notch writers!

(It's just SO good)

(It's just SO good)

Later, a date card arrives to soothe the men who are stranded with no blimp to carry them anywhere. The following men are going on the big group date!

  • Alex
  • Anthony
  • Peter
  • Bryan
  • Jonathan
  • Adam
  • Matt
  • Kenny
  • Lee
  • Iggy
  • Eric
  • Will
  • Josiah

Leaving Jack Stone to have the one-on-one date! I’m pretty surprised! He seemed like a first few eps/group dates only kind of contestant. But then again, a self-professed “tickle monster” whom Ellen warned us against is still in the running, so clearly I (and Ellen) just don’t *get* men. 

Back to the date, Dean (and his white jeans) and Rachel are now having dinner and bonding over how they were raised in strict religious households, which sounds like a real drag tbh. 

(It's not after Labor Day, so we're safe)

(It's not after Labor Day, so we're safe)

We also dig deeper into Dean’s backstory. We find out that his mom had breast cancer, and it’s a pretty heart-wrenching story. I tear up a little, as does Rachel (later in her confessional). There’s not much more to say about that - it’s just sad and Dean seems like a pretty sincere person. 

Rachel gives him the rose and they smooch. I’ll allow it! 

Rachel has a surprise for Dean, and it’s one of those stupid concerts that The Bachelor franchise specializes in wherein some white man I’ve never heard of plays music as a “treat.” Who is Russell Dickerson? Someone who has way too many non functional zippers on his pants, that’s who. Rachel and Dean have to dance and pretend they are enjoying this, while the audience films them like the early scenes of a snuff film.

It is kind of hilarious that the entire audience is just watching these two strangers dance, all backs turned on the performer.

(Still probably the best show he's ever had)

(Still probably the best show he's ever had)

The next day! Rachel has to date 13 men!!!!? Sounds like punishment for shoplifting in some countries. Today’s date is your classic boat date, and don’t worry....there’s plenty of alcohol to go around! Once all the men have been properly inebriated, they soon circle up and dance for Rachel’s attention and enjoyment. Jonathan and Lee can’t dance, and if you’re surprised about that, then welcome to the world, newborn baby. 

"If you’re hot, please feel free to take your shirts off!” Rachel announces. Rachel! Maybe you spent far too much time with Nick Viall!

(There is....a lot......going on during this date)

(There is....a lot......going on during this date)

Next is a pushup contest, which for some reason allows Josiah to refer to himself in the third person. Marli doesn’t appreciate it when people do that! Alex doesn’t do much during this time, but he is REALLY into clapping along while Kenny freestyles, which is the next course in this date tasting menu. 

Then Peter also “raps,” and I can’t really tell you what he said because I was cringing and shaking my hands and saying “please stop” over and over again while it was occurring.

The boat soon docks, and we are treated to a test of the men’s “cerebral skills.” It’s a spelling bee! NONE of the men are that excited about it. Eric really thought it would be a wet t-shirt contest despite absolutely no evidence that this would be the case! 

I honestly have no idea who is going to win this. And this isn’t really going to test intellect, just an ability to memorize the arbitrary rules of a nonsensical language! ZING!

Oh good! Adam Jr. is still there. 

(It was some poor intern's job to carry this sight gag around all season)

(It was some poor intern's job to carry this sight gag around all season)

This show really knows how to bring some levity to the relentless darkness of a spelling bee challenge.

Some things occur, among them being: Anthony spells schmuck correctly, which really tickles me. Kenny misspells champagne and is the first to get kicked out, which is a tough break. Eric spells facade in this interesting manner: “physde."

Peter is given the word coitous, and he naturally asks that it be used in a sentence. That sentence? “If you’re lucky, you’ll engage in coitous with the Bachelorette.”

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! I am legit shocked! What a strange yet vulgar aspect of this strange yet vulgar show! For the record: dumb, pretty Peter spells coitous with a Q. I wonder if he takes the same fresh approach to lovemaking that he does with his spelling!

(I'd say nice try if I meant it)

(I'd say nice try if I meant it)

Will and Josiah are last. Josiah is asked to spell polyamorous. I take this opportunity to remind you that there are children and older people in the audience!

(This is fine though)

(This is fine though)

Anyway. Josiah wins by spelling polyamorous correctly, while swearing up and down that he’s not interested in the concept. For his efforts Josiah wins a trophy, refers to himself in the third person some more, and takes way too much pride in winning a game that is typically the milieu of grade schoolers. He then has about a 14 minute conversation with the trophy wherein he tells the trophy he loves it, and it’s the first “I love you” of this season! Mazel tov you two! 

(Awww sweet kind of)

(Awww sweet kind of)

Josiah is much more annoying than I’d originally picked up on. Thanks for never letting me down, men of The Bachelorette!

Peter, whose new rap LP I’m sure is dropping soon, treats Rachel to some white wine and casual hand touching. Rachel demands to know if Peter will ever leave his home state of Wisconsin, which, let’s all agree, is totally normal early date convo. Rachel drops a bomb: she’s licensed to practice in Wisconsin. WHAT! Was this when she was trying to date Nick “Cheese Curd Boy” Viall?

(Never forget)

(Never forget)

Rachel seems a little tipsy while talking to Eric, and by *talking* I really mean draping herself over him sloppily until they come to a lull in the conversation, which she uses as an opportunity to kiss him. Never change, Rachel!

Elsewhere, Kenny is pouring his heart out about his love for the other men on this show *to* the other men on this show. Aw! During his speech, Josiah notices that the camera is filming him and immediately stands up to dab at his (wet?!) crotch. Alex is flummoxed to see this, and I’m flummoxed as to why I’m NOT GETTING MORE ALEX TIME. We have such precious little time with him, and the people are CLAMORING for more!

Anyway, here's how it all went down, visually:

Iggy takes Rachel aside to....talk about Josiah. Oh Iggy. That is a classic Whabbooom/Lucas mistake, the lesson which you should already have learned: NEVER make your date about another dater.

Iggy then makes *another* classic reality show mistake by going straight from talking with Rachel about Josiah, to talking with Josiah about all the shit-talk he was telling Rachel about Josiah. Pot = stirred. Eric calls Iggy a gossip queen, and I can’t really disagree!  

Josiah says: “With all due respect, Iggy’s a bitch.” Well, as long as you said it with ALL the respect due, I’m sure it’s fine! He ALSO says the following thing of Iggy:

“He shoots steroids in his nuts. He confessed to all of us.” And then it’s just sort of....left there and never revisited. What!?!? Can’t we get more intel on this steroid into nut and subsequent confession discussion?!

Lee and Rachel get their chance to talk. Lee talks some shit about Kenny, but I can’t imagine that Rachel doesn't see right through this. Right? Right!?!?!? Someone talk me down.

Lee then comes back from his chat and drunkenly talks shit about Kenny (a professional wrestler), accusing him of being a ballerina. It’s SUCH fun.

Rachel then goes to Kenny to get to the bottom of The Hardy Boys and the Mystery of Who is the Bigger Douchebag.

(The sequel is pretty great too)

(The sequel is pretty great too)

Kenny first performs another freestyle, and Rachel says “I love a freestyle,” so I guess it was a good approach! She then asks him about Lee. 

Look. I have zero interest in following this plotline when a drunken racist troll is the main instigator behind it. So I won’t.

Meanwhile, Lee has corned Peter and Alex, two of the WHITEST guys in the house, and tells them he’s NOT got a problem with them, which is so curious because what is it about all the non-white contestants that SO bothers Lee?!

This is just gross. Kenny is dealing with being saddled with an “aggressive black man” stereotype, all because of this little white nonsense of a man. It’s not fair to Kenny, it’s not fair to any of the men of color in this house, it’s not fair to Rachel, and it’s not fair to the viewing public. To put it in terms that the ABC execs who I'm sure are reading this can understand: it's also not entertaining.

Kenny is the guy who talks about his love for his daughter and IN THIS VERY EPISODE talked about how much he enjoyed all the other men on the show! You may remember Lee from starting shit with the black contestants, and absolutely nothing else. 

Kenny takes his leave of Rachel and then takes Lee outside. Some stuff is about to happen, it appears, but luckily we get to wait a full week to see it. The drama will be CONTINUED into next episode.

We are treated to an outro where Josiah and Will talk about Game of Thrones. Kenny joins in and he and Josiah talk in absurd English accents, and it truly has to be seen to be believed. The phrase “black ass Joffrey” is uttered.

(Told you)

(Told you)

See you next week!

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