The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 2!

The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 2!

Tonight’s episode is going to be nearly impossible to recap because I have THIS song stuck in my head. In my defense, the first few minutes of the episode are 100% better with "Boobs in California" playing in the background. Go ahead, try it, I’ll be waiting.

Now that you’re back, both you and America will be thrilled to note the return of COPPER, arguably the cutest guy to ever appear on this show! It’s a true disappointment that whoever Rachel ends up picking will not be able to measure up.

Also we find out the guys are all in love with Rachel already, which seems reasonable as it’s been almost 24 hours. That’s 23 more hours than it took me to pick my cat Lola from the shelter and we’ve been together almost 12 years, and show me one relationship from this entire franchise that’s lasted as long.

(The secret is that one of us sleeps 18 hours a day)

(The secret is that one of us sleeps 18 hours a day)

Pretty soon, the “fun” arrives in the form of a DATE CARD!

“I’m looking for husband material,” it reads. The men, naturally, go absolutely apeshit at this announcement, because if there’s one thing men stereotypically love, it’s commitment and getting married. Am I right? Do I have a career as a 90s stand up comic yet?

The men populating this date will be:

  • Dean
  • Jack
  • Jonathan
  • Blake
  • Iggy
  • Kenny
  • Fred
  • Lucas

You’ll be relieved to know that Lucas is still obviously on some sort of stimulant and has not modulated his behavior one iota. I suspect Iggy to be on drugs as well after he compliments Rachel’s “black dress.”

Exhibit A:

(Pictured: not a black dress)

(Pictured: not a black dress)

The group decides to have a toast to the date, and it turns out the men are truly monsters - they drink beer out of a Moscow Mule mug. Clearly this show doesn’t have an ETIQUETTE PRODUCER. Zing! That’s gotta hurt, ABC.

The men all play football and question Lucas’s deepest truths. Blake, never one to stop talking about Lucas, says: “I know the real Lucas. The real Lucas is garbage.” Me-ow.

In addition to all the fun of pointing out which of these guys are truly garbage, the men also get the joy of participating in aforementioned “Husband Material” contest, hosted, for no reason that’s ever revealed, by Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis.

My guess is that Chris Harrison is about to go in for contract negotiations and the producers wanted to show him just how very easy it would be to replace him. See that, Harrison? Next they’re going to try hosting with a man’s loafer that was just lying around.

("Watch your fucking back, Chris!")

("Watch your fucking back, Chris!")

The former host of Punkd (the main prank was that there was no 'e' in the title the whole time! Gotcha!) admonishes that the men need to be adults. By way of sussing out the adults, he asks which of them has health insurance, and I imagine this scene must have really alienated and confused viewers from the Nordic countries.

Back at the mansion, AJ is floating in the pool, just like the beginning of Sunset Blvd. I would watch this remake, truly.

(This is practically a shot for shot remake)

(This is practically a shot for shot remake)

I find their commitment to this bit sort of odd, but their lack of willingness to devote more than a second at a time to it truly startling. Maybe he’ll figure in some plot development later in the season and they have to keep reminding the audience that he’s around? This show is practically Lost in its many layers and twists and narrative shifts.

The men at the house try to get screen time but they mostly fail at being either a) standouts or b) Chads. There’s not a Chad in this group, I’m oddly disappointed to report.

Back to the “Husband Material” game - Ashton Kutcher makes the bold prediction that Rachel’s husband is NOT in this group. Whoa! That’s actually quite a thing to say! He and Mila Kunis are obviously having a lot of fun with this and it’s kind of charming and infectious. Sweating yet, Chris Harrison?

Poor Iggy is out first, and I assume his baby goes back to the orphanage?

("I should have never named you, Iggy Jr. Goodbye.")

("I should have never named you, Iggy Jr. Goodbye.")

The game is surprisingly competitive, and Lucas is a great example of how taking amphetamines will really help you excel at challenges. I’m rooting for Kenny, obviously, but Lucas wins the title, inexplicably, after punching Kenny where his baby would go if he were actually carrying one in his baby bjorn. #husbandmaterial

Is Rachel legally obligated to marry the winner of this game? Better check the contracts. Get Copper on it.

(The concept really shifted in pre-production)

(The concept really shifted in pre-production)

Rachel looks positively thrilled that Lucas won.

Also - did I already discuss how Blake is an “aspiring drummer?” Does that mean he already knows how but hasn’t landed any gigs, or hopes to one day learn? I can’t decide which one is sadder!

Later, we’re on to the dinner portion of the group date, where Rachel takes the opportunity to “get to know Lucas,” which mostly involves her talking to him like he’s a child (because he is one).

Lucas, in turn, reads her a poem, which I managed to snag exclusive rights to reproduce here!

Later, Fred tells Rachel he’s “not the same” as he used to be, which must be a relief to Rachel, because he used to be an 8 year old boy.

Through this all, Rachel is charming and sweet, even when saying obvious truths, such as: “the conversations have been a little mundane.”

Back at the mansion!

It’s revealed that Peter gets the one on one date. He’s an odd duck. From certain angles he’s very attractive and from certain angles he looks like a not that attractive person. What do you guys think?

Attractive or not attractive? Tweet or email us directly at http://abc.go.com/feedback.

Back at the date, Lucas swears solemnly that there’s no line between him and Whaboom - it’s all one being. Blake, still smarting after all those nipple pinching memories, decides it’s time to tell Rachel that Lucas is not here for the right reasons.

“He’s a clown for tv exposure,” Blake tells her, which is a rich accusation from anyone on this show.

There’s more extremely compelling drama men bickering. The only part of the exchange I enjoy is when Lucas tells Blake “you’re dismissed” by means of ending the conversation.

Let’s take a look at the romantic set for this date:

Yikes.

Rachel calls Dean a “complete breath of fresh air” and “so handsome.” I mean, I guess she also fell in love with Nick Viall, so why did I expect her to change in just a few months?

They also talk about Dean’s poorly received (by everyone but Rachel, apparently) opening line about "going black," and Rachel reveals that she’s just upset because she wanted to say that line first! Far be it for me to tell someone else what they should be offended by, so I’ll save all my energy to tell Rachel who she shouldn’t be dating (at least 90% of these men)

ALSO. Dean is 25. It’s kind of incredible that this age difference is not even mentioned, right? Progress?

Meanwhile, Lucas and Blake continue to fight. Lucas, Blake predicts, will soon not even have a leg to stand on. Lucas, digging deep into his web of wit and witticisms, comes back with this:

“The only leg I have to stand on is my two legs.”

I LEGIT LOL’ED.

("On rare occasions I might also stand on a table.")

("On rare occasions I might also stand on a table.")

Kenny, seemingly a voice of reason, astutely assesses the situation: “Listen. I’m a pro wrestler. I know all about white dudes acting crazy.”

LOLOLOL. That’s probably the most I’ve ever genuinely laughed in such a short amount of time on this show!

(Kenny at the exact moment he realizes that he can just leave)

(Kenny at the exact moment he realizes that he can just leave)

I like Kenny. He talks with Rachel about his daughter and he seems very open and sincere. Which I’m sure means I’ll have to say goodbye to him soon. Whaaa whaaaa, that’s just how this show goes.

Rachel comes back to deliver the group date rose to Dean. What-ever. Dean is all aflutter. I feel a similar churning in my stomach.

I don’t understand Rachel like I thought I did. Again, I’m reminded that she was very into Nick Viall, a man so blah I am honestly having a hard time remembering what his face looks like even though I spent countless hours with it just a few months ago. Seriously.

I think it’s this:

(Hi there, Nick)

(Hi there, Nick)

The next day!

“Why do I feel like we’re driving to an airstrip?” Peter says, as they drive onto an airstrip. Nothing gets past this dude!

This date is more of the same “jet off to a location” fare that we’re used to in the second episode, with one delightful addition: Copper’s coming too! And then..........something truly incredible comes to pass.

They arrive in Palm Springs and head for something called BARKFEST and it looks straight out of a movie set about HEAVEN!

Honestly wtf, this is the best date they’ve EVER had on this show. There’s nothing but dogs in outfits romping around while the owners drink wine. I’ll never understand the discrepancy in quality of the dates on this show. Remember that time Alex had to watch a horse get humped?

(Of course you do)

(Of course you do)

Peter, who is smarter than I gave him credit for, showers Copper with attention, which of course melts Rachel. Rachel says this date has completely exceeded her expectations, which DUH it’s a DOG FESTIVAL. This is a dream.

Back at the tragically dogless house, the men receive a date card!

  • Will
  • Jaymey
  • Diggy
  • Alex
  • Adam
  • Lee
  • Matt
  • Eric
  • Josiah
  • DeMario

The card, enigmatically, reads “Swoosh.”

Back at the date, I am beginning to find it all charming, against my better instincts. Rachel and Peter bond over the gap in their teeth (though interestingly no word on Copper’s chompers).

Rachel wastes no time in giving Peter a rose, then taking Peter and Copper to a surprise -  a firework show! It’s quite a surprise for Copper, a dog, as all dogs famously love loud, unexpected noises and and bright disorienting visuals.

The next day! Rachel surmises that because her card said “Swoosh,” the guys should know they are playing basketball today. I’d advise Rachel not to put any money on that.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar stops by to help! The height difference is truly hilarious. 

There is to be a basketball game, Kareem announces! But he assures the guys who haven’t played basketball not to worry, because this will be more about character. That’s what sports usually celebrates, after all! Character over achievement, always.

Rachel, who must not have seen the promos for this ep, talks about how she and DeMario have a good connection and just absolutely nothing will shake that to its very foundations this week, just absolutely nothing.

The men play a game of “basketball,” while I use the time to write myself a grocery shopping list.

One of the teams wins. DeMario is on the non-winning team, and after he said he’d "be Rachel’s Kobe,” I’m quite relieved.

OH BUT THEN! Some drama in overtime! *sports ref*

A woman named Lindsay stops by to shoot a truth three-pointer, and she’s not going to get double dribbled by DeMario’s free throws and point guard fouls (am I doing this right? I could use the extra work, ESPN).

(Leave it to a white lady to make this season all about her.)

(Leave it to a white lady to make this season all about her.)

Turns out, fellow friends and lovers, that up until very recently - DeMario had a GIRLFRIEND, with whom he had sexual intercourses! As far as I can tell, that's not the shocking part. The shocking part is that he GHOSTED her in order to appear on The Bachelorette!!!!

Yup. That feels about right. Also, maybe this is an inappropriate time to mention this, but Rachel’s look is pretty cute today!

After hearing what Lindsay has to say, Rachel goes to CUNT-FRONT DeMario! OOOO. This is gonna be good. Or mediocre, we’re just going to have to watch and see!

She goes to “borrow” DeMario for a minute, who feels pretty confident that he’s being spirited away for romance, only to run smack dab into his once and former Ex!

He says “OOOooo WHO’S this?” In the LEAST, least believable way.

("Whaaaaat is this? A woman? I've never met one before you know!")

("Whaaaaat is this? A woman? I've never met one before you know!")

Pretty soon he switches tactics, and asks Rachel if they can talk without cameras, because this is real life stuff. That’s what we in the business call “suspicious.”

DeMario magically regains his memory and recalls that, hey, this IS someone I used to sleep with! Of all the high school basketball gyms in all the world, etc. Of course, they used to see one another, but it was real casual like. And hey! DeMario promises that his exes keys are in the mail!

Not so fast, because she’s got an airtight retort!

“I check my mailbox EVERY DAY.” Lindsay says, EXTREMELY dramatically.

(I normally think "crazy eyes" is a sexist term used to gaslight and de-legitimize women but.....sometimes.......)

(I normally think "crazy eyes" is a sexist term used to gaslight and de-legitimize women but.....sometimes.......)

To her credit, Rachel shows why she’s such a good lawyer by talking DeMario into a corner and then making him reveal his own lies once he realizes he’s been caught.

“We’ve had sexual intercourse before.” DeMario admits, of the woman he just had trouble remembering. And how does Rachel like this turn of events?

Rachel doesn’t like it at all! “I’m really going to need you to get the fuck out.” 

Rachel is visibly pissed (as she has every right to be), so much so that she doesn’t even want to talk to Chris Harrison when he pops up from whatever stable they keep him in when he isn’t pointing out what roses are and how many of them are left on a table.

Rachel goes to tell the rest of the guys about Intercourse-gate, as I’m sure the producers call it. The men, whose names I have not really learned yet, are TRULY shocked.

Later!

Despite today's turmoil, the group date continues! Also whoever does the location scouting for these evening dates is clearly working through some serious shit, because this locale is just as creepy as the last date.

“DeMario is a dirty, dirty dog.” Rachel says. And not like Copper after he tramples in some dirt!

The men all try to wow Rachel. Some use Russian folk songs, some use tongue kissing. Guess which works better on Rachel?

(This one)

(This one)

But it remains to be seen WHO will get the date rose? It's Josiah. Post-spoiler spoiler alert.

The next day, the men are SO messy!

(Seriously how long have they even been in this house?)

(Seriously how long have they even been in this house?)

They are also so messy in that they keep spilling tea all over the place, re: DeMario!

Rachel looks very beautiful tonight. Even her wine cup is coordinated to her outfit! It’s too early for me to say that all these men aren’t good enough for her, but if I wait a few seconds it’ll be just the right time.

All these men aren’t good enough for her.

("Do any of you guys have any handsome, accomplished friends? No reason.")

("Do any of you guys have any handsome, accomplished friends? No reason.")

Rachel takes Bryan aside and he tries his old trick of kissing her, since that worked last time. He then gives her a massage which, full disclosure, if a guy offered me that service regularly I would absolutely pull a DeMario on my boyfriend and not even mail the keys back!

SPEAKING OF!

DeMario is back, demanding to speak to Rachel. The producer says he has to go speak to “Mr. Harrison,” which is hilarious and we all have to pretend that "Mr. Harrison" has any power on this show.

("Look, DeMario - we both need this gig, ok?")

("Look, DeMario - we both need this gig, ok?")

Chris decides to bring Demario’s request straight to Rachel. Rachel is curious to know what DeMario has to say told to have another scene with him by the producers!

TO BE CONTINUED!

All the men synch up, with disastrous results.

(This was not the end of the season, in case you were confused)

(This was not the end of the season, in case you were confused)

North Adams, Mass: My Hometown is the Best Budget Friendly Getaway in the Northeast

North Adams, Mass: My Hometown is the Best Budget Friendly Getaway in the Northeast

The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 1!

The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 1!