The Bachelor: S21, Ep 10

The Bachelor: S21, Ep 10

WELCOME BACK TO THE BACHELOR! We’re down to just three women and one Nick and we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Previously - did Raven have an orgasm? We’ll find out tonight on America’s favorite show amongst conservative Christians in deep red states!

CUT TO:

[Scene] Dawn breaks on the marriage bed. The audience searches for signs of Raven’s pleasure. Did the big night live up to its hype? Is the drought finally quenched? We turn to Raven for answers:

"I will say this. Nick is really good at what he does. So I’m pretty satisfied today.” Well *I* will say that lying is a SIN, Raven!

We are then treated to a montage of Raven frolicking around Finland, looking happy and satisfied and doing all the normal things one does after having an orgasm, like kissing taxidermy and flailing in the snow. It’s like some weird before/after medication commercial, only instead of being able to do the things she loves once again, Raven maybe had an orgasm. I've already come up with the commercial tagline: "Ask your doctor about orgasms." Your welcome, Bachelor producers.

Also they must have considered that Raven might be the next Bachelorette and this footage was all intended to be commercials for her season. Just a thought.

BUT NEXT! Rachel has arrived! Our future Bachelorette, only don’t tell her that!!!! She doesn't yet know, so no spoilers please!

The show takes the time to remind us that Rachel is a beautiful lawyer, and what on earth is she doing here?

rachel.jpg

Today’s date is a romantic one! Nick is taking her cross country skiing, which somehow looks both boring and painful. Rachel falls a lot, Nick leaves her behind as she struggles to get up, such romance. These two know that just walking in the woods would be a much more effective method of traveling, right?

But they soon come upon REINDEER! And for a brief second I’m terrified and a bit excited that we’ll get another repeat of that infamous scene from last year.

(Never 4get)

(Never 4get)

But alas! There will be no weird mammal humping on this episode, except for, well, you know. Nick and Rachel soon retire to a cabin, where they show off all the various animals they’ve killed. 

(This is frankly a massacre)

(This is frankly a massacre)

We get another boring conversation about them both being scared, but not about normal stuff like spiders and cliffs and Steve Buscemi. Their biggest fear? It’s love. Strange to then go on a show dedicated to the pursuit of it, but I'm not a career counselor so what do I know?

More specifically, Rachel is afraid of rejection. Truly there’s an eerie feeling watching this scene, knowing that Nick is making her go through all this and she’ll soon be gone.

“You’re rare, and refreshing.” Rachel says to Nick, apropos of nothing I've personally witnessed.

“I might be white, but I’m still a minority.” I wish to god I could tell you that Nick DIDN’T JUST SAY THAT, but that is exactly what Nick said, and with a little smirk to boot. OMG NICK. Just omg.

Later, Nick finally decides that there’s a better way of getting around than watching Rachel fall every 5 minutes, so he has prepared a reindeer sleigh. And poor, poor reindeer, having to cart around THIS. 

("This is a cry for help!")

("This is a cry for help!")

Later, they retire to dinner (aka red wine). Rachel looks very pretty. Nick keeps talking vulnerability, and again, there’s a sick quality to all of this because Nick keeps needling her to “open up” and “be vulnerable” and “tell me you love me” (basically), and I know he’s going to drop her at the end of this episode. #sadist

“I like strong people. I like strong women.” Nick probably knew this episode would air during the week of International Women’s Day. Good play, Nick.

Nick does his best impression of a therapist who absolutely had their license revoked for sexual misconduct with a patient:

("Show me on this doll where I touched you.")

("Show me on this doll where I touched you.")

“If you were to check your ego at the door, what would your heart say?” Nick says aka Lord Byron up in here amirite?

“That I’m falling in love with you.” Rachel confesses. Rachel! We hoped for more from you.

This pleases Nick, because apparently it’s more fun to cut someone after they’ve declared their love for you. Go figure! These two then take time to film a quick watch commercial.

("Watches.")

("Watches.")

BUT THEN! It’s CREEP TIME!

Chris Harrison (‘s PA) writes another sexy note. TLDR: "If you want to bone, you may do so tonight without our intrusive cameras. Xoxo GG”

Nick: “Thoughts?”
Rachel: “I would love to.”
Me: “Boo.”

Does Nick get a few days in between dates? I’m assuming his refractory period is 48-72 hours. ZING!

*******pause for Fantasy Suites sex********

THE MORNING AFTER!

“Last night was so perfect.” Rachel enthuses. I'll take your word for it, Rachel.

Nick makes “his lady” some breakfast. She is wearing a killer penguin onesie, which is just about the only decision she’s made this episode that I’ve approved of.

(Certainly not this decision)

(Certainly not this decision)

Nick says he has to get ready to go, and this remains unsaid but he has to get ready for YET ANOTHER SEX DATE. Rachel is so giddy talking about meeting Nick’s family and “sealing the deal” that I’m not sure this thought even enters her sex scrambled brain.

That next date, of course, is Vanessa! Nick continues his long tradition of planning truly awful dates, and maybe outdoes himself with this one! It’s a trip to an.....ice bath. In Finland.

Nick and Vanessa fret about the horrible thing they are about to voluntarily do. Nick instructs that they have to stay in for at least 10 seconds, they lower themselves into the frigid water, and he can’t even make it to 4 seconds. They then rush to the sauna to get warm again. They repeat this three or 4 times, again, voluntarily. Vanessa takes to it quickly, but Nick hates it.

("There better be a fucking engagement ring after all this bullshit.")

("There better be a fucking engagement ring after all this bullshit.")

Nick then has a good idea for once and takes Vanessa to a hot tub........where he talks about Vanessa’s disappointing family. They continue to have a difficult conversation about tradition and compromise and core values. It’s as boring, neigh MORE, than it sounds.

Vanessa talks about being very hard headed and unwilling to compromise about the most important things in life. Namely: having lunch with her family on Sundays. Having lunch with her family looks awful, but I guess it’s her thing.

Then, out of nowhere, Nick is all “what if we’re too similar?” IN WHAT WAY? In that they both are brunette? In that they’ve both been to Montreal?

I hope there isn’t alcohol in that cup. I mean, I get the need, but it’s still unsafe in a hot tub. But also I GET IT. 

(But really....I understand)

(But really....I understand)

“We have that sort of relationship where our conversations are always so heavy.” Vanessa explains to the audience. SOUNDS FUN.

“I’m ready to tell Nick I love him. But it’s still a very big deal to me.” AGAIN WTF I must ask. Didn’t she do this already, in Bimini? Does she have whatever disease Raven has that makes you forget only the first time you tell someone you love them? What is this madness in the arctic circle?

Later, these two retire to dinner where they.......shock.......talk about their relationship. Blah.

“If I’m in a marriage, I want everything to be on the table.” Nick says AKA he is warning her that one day he might take up street magic, and she’s been fair warned. Or worse - dancing.

The delicate subject of moving comes up, and Vanessa is all “would you move to Canada?”

("Don't forget how pretty I am.")

("Don't forget how pretty I am.")

“Not to sound corny, but I’m like really proud to be an American.” Nick says. REALLY NICK! It’s ok! Go to Canada, we’ll be fine down here! I've already taken the liberty of packing your bags!

These all sound like very important things to discuss before you get engaged, but I hope to god they quit talking soon. THOUGHT! Maybe Corinne will pop in soon? They let Taylor interrupt Corinne’s date, it only seems fair!

Vanessa finally declares her love for the second FIRST time apparently. Nick rewards her with a protracted smooch.

Elsewhere, Nick talks about his and Vanessa’s “big personalities,” and I have to pause the episode and ruminate on what on earth I’m possibly missing from either of these two. And laugh quite a lot. Nick Vialls say the darndest things.

("My personality is just gigantic.")

("My personality is just gigantic.")

OK! Where were we?! OH RIGHT Nick casually discovers a note from Chris Harrison, the Madame to the Bachelor’s Brothel. Also I’m imagining the meeting where the creators were like:

Producer 1: Ok! This is going to be SO messed up, but let’s have a week where the contestants get to HAVE FULL ON intercourse with each other!?!!!!!!!
Producer 2: NO way! America is too conservative! They’ll hate it!
P1: Not if it’s in the pursuit of love! And we’ll say something about letting them ‘spend time alone as a couple' and 'deepening their relationship' and all sorts of other bullshit!
P2: Oh, that’s good! And let’s call it “Fantasy Suites!
P1: That is a terrible name but let’s go with it until we think of something better.
And then never did!
[scene]

Since Vanessa has been saying “I’m so traditional” about once every three minutes in this episode, I sort of expected her to decline the Fantasy Suites invitation! But alas, it’s allure was too great. But she does recognize that she’ll need alcohol to get through this. 

(I hope that's all for you, Vanessa)

(I hope that's all for you, Vanessa)

“Nick is my other half.” Vanessa says. Your other half of what, exactly? A bad dream you won’t soon wake up from?

Nick is shown putting a sign on the door that says “Counting Reindeer,” which must be slang for doing it in Finland.

(That's weird, Fins!)

(That's weird, Fins!)

THE NEXT MORNING! Vanessa and Nick are TOPLESS in bed together after HAVING SEX but don’t worry America......it’s cool because it’s all in the pursuit of TRUE LOVE.

But too soon Nick must go! He has to retire somewhere else to think on the very nature of love and store up his reserve of tears in preparation for the ROSE CEREMONY. I feel like we haven’t had one of those in ages.

CUT TO!

Vanessa arrives to the (every) rose (has its thorn) ceremony! She says this is the best relationship she’s ever had in her life, but she says it will hugging Chris. Interesting.

All three women really brought it this ceremony, looks and fashion wise.

(Lovely!)

(Lovely!)

Nick arrives and starts crying immediately about love and whatever. And then gives out the first rose, to:

Raven!

It’s only Rachel and Vanessa left, and obviously the rose goes to Vanessa. To add insult to injury, Chris shows up to be all “Rachel, pack your bags and get out of here.”

Also I think it’s very int-er-est-ing that Rachel hugged Raven very sincerely:

And yet gave Vanessa a side hug:

(This is what we in the recap biz call "stirring the pot")

(This is what we in the recap biz call "stirring the pot")

Nick escorts Rachel out, where they are treated to an excruciating talk about why their love didn’t work out. Fun! Nick actually has the chutzpah to say “hopefully this won’t be goodbye forever.”

Rachel doesn’t exactly rush to be like “yeah, let’s keep in touch.”

As she leaves, Rachel says: “Back to square one.” Poor Rachel. But don't despair, because soon YOU’LL be the one breaking up with lots of people and banging whoever you want in the Fantasy Suite! I can’t wait.

After Rachel drives away, Nick takes a quick second to pray.

("Dear God. Grant me 4 more seasons. Amen.")

("Dear God. Grant me 4 more seasons. Amen.")

I gotta say, I’m starting to love these 1 hour eps.  

Because turns out this ep is not 3 hours long. This is a one hour long typical ep with a “Women Tell All” special stapled to the back end of it. Here's the best of "The Women Tell All," although don’t take my word for it, because I didn’t watch it!

See you next week!

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