March Madness Recap from Someone Who Only Half Watched
The Final Four is here! How exciting! I’ve been watching on and off and here are some highlights from the tournament that I’ve collected from both my scrolling of Twitter and drink/watching games!
Duke Blue Devils Blues
The most loved/hated team in the nation lost early and honestly, the world was all the better for it. Greyson Allen, a Duke player who has gained notoriety for tripping opponents, was lampooned online for his dirty play and whiny privileged white boy nonsense. Boy, bye!
Lavar Ball is Rolling
The father of UCLA star Lonzo Ball has drawn an annoying amount of attention to himself. In an effort to steal the spotlight from his talented son, Mr. Ball claimed he could beat Michael Jordan in a one-on-one match. He’s apparently said many other outlandish things, but I didn’t bother to look them up because his face is too annoying. Take a seat, this isn’t about you, Dad!
Lou-a-vulle Cardinals (that’s how you say it, right?)
Louisville, who earned a 2 seed in the tournament, also lost pretty early. I was also not saddened by this. Their coach is the famous/infamous Rick Pitino. He occasionally uses prostitutes as a recruiting tool. No big deal! Oh and he also had an affair with his equipment manager’s wife and then she tried to extort him. But other than that he’s one of the most successful coaches of all time. Better luck next year!
The Northwestern Julia Louis-Dreyfuses, I mean Wildcats, are now out of the tournament, but they did win their first round game which was a big deal for the Chicagoland school. The real story though was the ungodly amount of attention they received because Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ son, Charlie Hall, is a sophomore on the team. There were at least two occasions where CBS opted for a split-screen format in order to monitor both the game and Elaine Bennett’s reactions. As cynical as I can be, it was actually super adorable to see how proud Julia and her husband, Brad Hall, were as Charlie entered the game in the final minutes.
The defending champion Villanova Wildcats lost to the eighth seeded Wisconsin. It was a shocking upset. Wisconsin tends to have the most Gumby-looking dudes on their roster. They must scour the continent looking for the tallest gangliest kids to recruit. CC: Frank Kaminsky.
Where is Gonzaga?
Does anyone actually know where Gonzaga is located? My husband said Idaho. I said Arizona. Turns out, it’s in Spokane, Washington. I’ve been watching March Madness since I can remember and I never bothered to ask where Gonzaga was actually located.
The Final Countdown!!
The four remaining teams include South Carolina, Gonzaga, Oregon, and North Carolina. I’m pulling for South Carolina because they are the lowest seeded team remaining. I won’t cheer for North Carolina because they always win and I’m still mad at their state for the bathroom bill nonsense. I have nothing against Oregon and Gonzaga, but I’m picking South Carolina to upset the world and win it all.
On the Women’s Side:
No one will ever beat UConn. They’ve won 109 consecutive games. *Knocking on wood three times so as not to jinx them*
- Take a drink each time the camera cuts to a celebrity.
- Take a drink when an upset child is featured before they cut to commercial
- Take a drink when the camera lingers a little too long on a cheerleader
- Take a drink when the guy next to you at the bar tries to high five you…only if you don’t know him.
[Ed note: Are you drunk yet?]