The Bachelor: S21, Ep6

The Bachelor: S21, Ep6

IT’S THE BACHELOR!! Tonight’s word is CARNAGE.

The first victim is Taylor’s luggage, which is carted away with all the ceremony in the world.

“Ah! Corinne’s coming back!” Josephine excitedly whispers.

“I just hope she doesn’t walk away with any animosity.” Danielle M. says.

CUT TO!

Taylor walking...with animosity!

Taylor walks from the swamp all the way to Nick and Corinne’s date, where she interrupts them just looking at each other and smiling dumbly and not saying anything. But she’s gotta say two things!

“Corinne, you lied today. Two - can we talk?” She addresses the last question to Nick, obviously.

Taylor takes Nick outside to talk about how she cares about him, he’s been lied to, and more boring stuff neither Nick nor I care about.

Corinne fills the time the only way she knows how - sucking back a frankly enormous glass of champagne. 

“She’s an evil, lying, annoying bitch.” Corinne says, of the woman she says bullied her.

Nick thanks Taylor for whatever it is she just did, and then rejoins Corinne and they make out sloppily to celebrate.

In the goodbye limo, Taylor continues to have a stank face on her face, and complains about Corinne some more. Corinne is not bothered: “What I learned tonight is that cats have 9 lives, and bitches have 2.”

Corinne and Nick end their date by strolling outside, where Nick mysteriously comments on the current phase of the moon.

“It’s almost a full moon.” He says, wistfully.

(This would be a medium good show)

(This would be a medium good show)

Corinne says something nearly as mysterious: “And don’t ever call me a liar in front of my boyfriend.”

Ha, Corinne is absolutely the type of person to just decide you two are going out and announce it to you as fact. But that’s why she’s still here!

Soon enough.....it’s the rose ceremony! Josephine puts another notch in her lipstick case.

Raven chooses yet another dress that flies in the face of everything that gravity has given this world. She says: “I feel like we’re all pretty confident. I just hope it’s not a false confidence.” Girl really knows how to narrate.

Alexis narrates for a bit too, just to comfort and remind us that as long as she exists on this show, it’ll all be ok.

Going in tonight, Corinne, Rachel, and Danielle M. all have roses. The rest of the women....go fuck yourself! Basically! That’s the equivalent of not having a rose at its eponymous ceremony, right?

Contestant Chris shows up! But he’s humble to the point of self flagellation: “I know I was probably not the man you were waiting to see.”

“No, not at all.” Jasmine quickly agrees. HA!

He gets the unenviable task of telling the ladies there won’t be a cocktail party. Oh no....it’s straight to rose ceremony with everyone. Alexis’s reaction is the most succinct: “Oh fuck.” 

("The dolphins are NOT going to believe this when I tell them!")

("The dolphins are NOT going to believe this when I tell them!")

Whitney (I guess, or whoever this nondescript brunette is) says “I’m so scared. I’m terrified” while not at changing her facial expression one iota. It’s both impressive and unsettling.

The roses go to!

  • Kristina
  • Raven
  • Vanessa
  • Danielle
  • Jasmine

Contestant Chris shows up to be specifically NOT helpful and say: “ladies, Nick - it’s the last rose,” in case that information couldn’t be conveyed by literally seeing that there is just one single rose left. Thanks, Chris.

Whitney, Alexis, Jaimi and Josephine remain. I want it to go to Alexis, but I’d take Josephine or Jaimi and be fine about it.

It goes to Whitney.

Nick - you dumb motherfucker.

GREAT decision - three of the contestants with the most personality get cut in favor of a woman I’m not even sure was in the first 2 eps. Just a really solid decision that makes me so pleased that you’ve delighted America with FOUR seasons of your lovable hijinks, and I can’t wait to see what you charm us with next.

Josephine waltzes off with a “best of luck,” looking way better than Nick does in this situation. Jaimi is sad, with no hard feelings but with AMAZING lipstick and FANTASTIC nails.

(Not pictured: fabulous nails)

(Not pictured: fabulous nails)

Ugh - this one hurts. Alexis <3.

Nick says to her: “You already know you’re incredible.” Then why did you get rid of her, NICK!? UGH. I am so sick of the decisions white men have been making this week.

After Alexis leaves.....And then there were 9, we’re informed!!!! 10, including Nick! He reveals the location of their next destination: The Island of St Thomas!

You know: And Then There Were None ALSO had 10 characters and ALSO took place on an island. Just saying, in case any one of these women gets an idea in their head. This show would be one million times better as a claustrophobic, sexy murder mystery.

("Cheers! To murder!")

("Cheers! To murder!")

“I’m really hopeful this is the week I start falling in love.” Nick says. Whatever dude. Did you remember to schedule it? Better check your planner.

(Oh look, there it is.)

(Oh look, there it is.)

CUT TO:

St Thomas! Nick “loves the island living,” which he punctuates with a creepy dance and smile. Oh right, and 9 women are competing for his affection, don’t forget, even if you wish you could.

Sure you can love Nick, but all this hair?

(Your sweetheart, America)

(Your sweetheart, America)

If JoJo showed up to a date with that much leg hair, America would be scandalized. #doublestandard

The show’s total moratorium on sunglasses always produces hilarious shots.

("It's unfair how perfect Nick is." - Actually said on this show)

("It's unfair how perfect Nick is." - Actually said on this show)

The women get to stay in some nondescript hotel, which they are again ordered to FREAK THE FUCK OUT ABOUT about.

Just look at this splendor! Such opulence!

(TWO beds?!!)

(TWO beds?!!)

Nick lands in his sea plane, where the women anxiously await him. Also, what Wisconsin mall did he fish this outfit out of? I’m feeling catty today because Nick took away something I love.

(Also! Jean shorts for all!)

(Also! Jean shorts for all!)

No time to continue down my path of hate and scorn, because its ONE-ON-ONE DATE time! And the “lucky” winner is Kristina! The two fly off in the seaplane, which Nick reassures Kristina is “pretty safe.” What a prince, that Nick.

Back on land, Jasmine is pretty upset that she didn’t get the one-on-one date. A few interesting things are happening here that would never have happened with all those testosterone tomboys of last season: Jasmine makes sure to note that she’s not mad at Kristina, and Danielle comforts her. It’s nice, and it’s a myth that women are more catty than men. That's all.

Nick continues romancing her with all the charm of a prosecutor interrogating a hostile witness.

“So...you’re adopted.” He pushes. And later, to the camera: “I’m going to work really hard to knock down these walls that Kristina has up.” Nick - you know some walls are good, right? Like maybe walls that denote boundaries that one sets up when one wants to keep something private, and for good reason? Or walls that are load bearing walls that hold a house up, you dummy. I hope he never gets his own HGTV show.

(Cancelled after one season)

(Cancelled after one season)

Nick and Kristina then go swimming, or at least wade far enough into the water so they can pee inconspicuously after all that beer.

("Seriously, Nick?")

("Seriously, Nick?")

Back at the ladies's ranch, Vanessa drops some teacher knowledge about the history of Dutch ownership of this island. The women can’t say “oh, how not interesting, let’s change the subject” fast enough.

Oh god. Here we go. A woman named Lorna arrives, apparently just to move the side plot along. That side plot, specifically, being that the producers want a woman to wait on Corinne - the “St Thomas version of Raquel,” as she quickly establishes.

What producer thought it was a good idea to have Vanessa highlighting the history of white colonialism on the island, only to subsequently introduce a black woman whose only role is to wait on Corinne? Fuck off, The Bachelor.

Corinne is delighted, incidentally.

("Am I dreaming? I do sleep a lot!")

("Am I dreaming? I do sleep a lot!")

“My dress, it’s wrinkly.” Corinne whines to Lorna. Lorna sort of laughs at her, which is the only appropriate response.

“I always love someone that’s able to do stuff for me.” Corinne says, leaning all the way into this. “Raquel is going to be jealous.”

Back at the date, Nick is still trying to demolish those walls. Specifically, what was Kristina’s past like, and if it’s shocking and harrowing and makes for good tv, SO BE IT.

Kristina reveals her backstory, which is heartbreaking and dramatic enough for it’s own superhero franchise or part on The Americans, which is such a good show, America. Way better than this one.

Kristina grew up in Russia, very poor, with her mom. They were so poor that her cupboards were bare and she resorted to eating lipstick. One day her mom instructed her not to eat anything because she was bringing food back. She made the egregious mistake of eating food, and her mom ordered her to leave. Within weeks, she was in an orphanage.

This is the face Kristina made when she mentioned that her mother was now dead:

(Russia, man)

(Russia, man)

Kristina was then in an orphanage for 7 or 8 years. When she was 12, Kristina was offered the chance to be adopted and come to America, but to leave for America, she had to also leave her sister behind.

Fuck man. Compare this to the absolutely harrowing story of Corinne being bullied by Taylor or Danielle’s parents divorcing.

At least Nick has some perspective. “When I was 5, I was crying about going to kindergarten.” He was also probably crying last week that The Backstreet Boys were hitting on his 15 girlfriends.

Kristina is really pretty - god, Tyra would have DINED OUT on this backstory if she’d managed to get her on ANTM. Thank goodness that show ended (in its original iteration, at least) so Kristina was saved that fate.

Nick rewards Kristina with a rose. They smooch.

BACK TO THE HOTEL!

A date card arrives! “Love’s a beach” it reads.

Going on this date will be:

  • Rachel
  • Raven
  • Vanessa
  • Corinne
  • Danielle M
  • Jasmine

It slowly dawns on the women, particularly Danielle L., that the other date is a 2-on-1, with her and Whitney being the 2, and Nick being the 1. Sorry, ladies. That’s a shitty break......that you’re going on a date with Nick! ZING!

NEXT! A game of volleyball sends everyone into fits of weeping. That’s just par for the course in the search for love!

The women all gather together and boat somewhere on a catamaran, where they all look incredible and I just have to interject and ask are you SURE you really want to date Nick, ladies?

“Nothing could go wrong when you’re on an island like this.” Raven says. See, I told you she was a great narrator!

“Today’s all about having fun.” Nick further builds the scene.

Ok - has it been established that today is just about FUN and nothing BAD is going to happen today? Everyone cool with that? Only GOOD things are going to happen during this FUN date, GOT IT?

They all play cornhole, while Jasmine gets more and more upset that she’s not, nor has she ever, been on a 1-on-1 date. Also, LOL at her face when Nick does this:

The group is shown taking shots, slurring while giving narration to the camera, and playing volleyball. It seems like trouble is afoot, is what I’m saying.

Raven throws some hilarious shade: “I’m sure Corinne would be an amazing volleyball player. If she wasn’t drunk.”

Danielle is also drunk, while Jasmine seems well on her way.

Corinne is the first to get sick of the game: “Oh my god I’m so athletic. I’m going to sleep.” She stalks off the court and goes to take a shot. Nick calls her back, and this for some reasons changes the whole mood of the day. This is where trouble starts.

As the girls get drunker, they seem to take the offense of playing volleyball while Nick scores them more to heart. It does look pretty boring because they aren’t that great at volleyball to begin with, and as the day goes on they just get worse. Also this is just a boring date, Nick.

Jasmine finally cracks and starts chasing Nick around the court, which he interprets as playful flirting, but we all know is something darker.

Raven, once again, sets up the situation: “If Jasmine was a vegetable, she’d be a turnip. Because she’s turned all the way up.” Raven is pretty pleased with herself for that little joke, but I giggled, so I’ll allow it.

("I made a joke! Did you hear it?")

("I made a joke! Did you hear it?")

What I WON’T allow is Jasmine straight up shoving Corinne into the sand. It’s out of nowhere and not kind. Come on, Jasmine!

Rachel is the next to decide she’s had enough and walks off. “I’m not going to compete for Nick’s attention.” Then Vanessa cracks. Danielle is up next, and she feels awful: “I feel like an idiot. And now I’m crying over a stupid fucking volleyball game.” Nothing like being a contestant on The Bachelor to put your life in perspective.

It’s very unclear how this all devolved so quickly. I blame nerves and alcohol, but it’s just a weird episode altogether and I don’t understand anyone’s reactions. I don’t understand anyone being on this show either, so what do I know at all?

Nick is similarly flummoxed about the state of this date. “It’s pretty much a disaster.”

It's certainly a very dramatic volleyball game:

Seriously - did the producers forget to include a scene where something horrific happened that caused all the women to break down and flee to separate corners so they could contemplate tearily? Is this island from Lost? Did someone or many people just die or have a heart-wrenching back story episode?

The date continues into the evening, where they gather to drink more and rehash the day.

Rachel and Nick run off first, where Rachel reveals: “Group dates are not my thing.”

Nick’s retort: “They’re not supposed to be.” What FUN love is, right guys!?

Nick at least has the benefit of perspective, so he can understand why all these women are freaking out, even if the audience can’t. He says it’s nerves and some special time in the “journey,” but it’s never really made clear. We all have to live with uncertainty, America. I hope you can get used to that.

("Hey Rachel, want to see what mansplaining looks like in action?")

("Hey Rachel, want to see what mansplaining looks like in action?")

Ugh. Nick may be sort of slimy, but he doesn’t ever talk shit about the women, which I really appreciate. It’s a low bar, but it’s there, and he cleared it.

Jasmine, however, is not above saying aggressive things about Nick: “In my head I want to punch him in his face.” Truly it’s such a fine line between love and madness.

Jasmine warns that she is going to tell Nick: “don’t you dare overlook me!” Also, she’s been to St. Thomas before! That’s NOT why she’s here! She’s here to GET ENGAGED, and as we all know the world had a nuclear event that killed every available 25-38 year old man in the world, so they are FORCED to compete for Nick’s affections on this TV Show because it’s the only way to find a man in this desolate wasteland (is literally the only plot I would believe to explain these women’s actions or believe that they are sincerely looking for love).

“I like him so much, but I want to choke him right now.” Jasmine says. There are bodyguards on this show, right?

Nick comes back and steals Jasmine away, not knowing what storms await him. She’s been stewing all night, so when he gets her alone, she’s unable to relax and instead let’s vent all her frustrations. It’s an INTERESTING approach to love, I’ll say. She gets upset about not having been chosen for a first date, she interrupts him a bunch, and she starts crying. Poor Jasmine.

Then, this happens.

She threatens to choke him, to throw him down.  Nick is obviously uncomfortable.

“I appreciate you sharing.” He tries to end and escape the conversation. BUT! Jasmine continues. She asks if he wants her to choke him, he says “um, no, not really” and it’s all really uncomfortable. Threats of violence, even if I don’t believe she’s going to go through with it, are not ok!

“Didn’t have the best conversation with Jasmine.”  Nick hilariously under-reacts. He realizes that maybe he and Jasmine are not meant to be, and he has to let her go. So he gives her the “I’m not feeling this” conversation, exactly right after she threatened to choke him.

I do appreciate that Nick tells the women as soon as he’s not interested in them. It’s more awkward for him, but he’s right that he’s not wasting their time. I do NOT appreciate nearly anything else. Ha, one complement out, one insult out, them’s my rules.

Jasmine takes it all pretty evenly, which is surprising considering how worked up she was earlier, almost as if it were a foregone conclusion that she was leaving. And so it goes. Bye Jasmine!

Coming up! Another tense and awkward date!

But first! Kristina, Raven, and Rachel cuddle in bed. And with so many empty bottles of wine about! How can these women not turn toward each other in this situation!? Why am I forced to resort to my wildest dreams when all the pieces are so clearly there, just waiting to fall into place!?

(It may seem scary, but just relax and let go!)

(It may seem scary, but just relax and let go!)

Through Rachel’s narration, we learn that Raven got the rose on the group date. WTF editors. I get 5 straight minutes of Nick walking around in a tank top, but you can't squeeze in a little scene that tells us that Raven got the group date rose?

CUT TO! 2-on-1 date day! And both ladies are wearing rompers aka IT’S TIME TO GET SERIOUS.

The three of them copter off to a deserted beach, where a romantic cabana for 3 awaits them.

Nick takes Whitney off so she can state her case: “I was just really trying to go into this as positive as I can and I feel like I’ve been myself this whole time and been honest with you and open.”

If I showed up on a first date and someone read me that little speech, I would assume they had learned everything they knew about love and romance from watching The Bachelor and its many franchises and I would be terrified.

Nick kills with this ace line: “I don’t know if you noticed, but you’re really beautiful.” He also creeps on her, running his hands up and down her thigh.

Nick then does the same dance with Danielle, and it’s so boring. Nick looks bored hearing it, Danielle looks bored SAYING it.

Nick asks Danielle to quit talking for one sec while he goes and takes care of something. She’s like...sure, whatever, I guess.

Nick returns to Whitney. It’s actually helpful that she’s wearing a “W” necklace on her neck, either to help me remember her name or to subliminally send her support to former president Bush. Either way, whatever.

Nick says of he and Whitney: “There’s this wanton desire to make it great.” Look, he actually PROBABLY said “want AND desire,” but I prefer my version in all its verbosity. But either way, with he and Whitney, it’s NOT great, and he’s NOT feeling it.

Long story short, Whitney gets CUT. It goes like this:

It actually goes like that for about 10 seconds and is awkward as hell. I appreciate that Whitney just lets it be awkward and Nick is forced to sit there and experience it all.

They hug for the longest time, and I think she just doesn’t want to leave St. Thomas! But good news, she’s staying there forever! Danielle and Nick leave Whitney on the beach, stranded. Bye Whitney! We’ll send help if we remember!

These people REALLY look like they are in love.

Also remind me never to fly whatever airline this is.

NICK you could have fucking cut Whitney at the beginning of the ep so we’d at least get some Alexis in St Thomas. You monster.

Later!

Danielle and Nick continue their date. Danielle is FEELING IT: “I’m almost at that point where, like just an inch away from falling off that cliff and really being head over heels in love.” Sounds romantic and possibly quite painful.

It’s impossible to believe what she’s saying based on the face she’s currently making, which is nearing a stank face on her face.

They cheers, but Nick just looks like he’s at a job interview or sentencing hearing aka NOT excited AKA something is on his mind AKA but WHAT is it?

These two reminisce all the way back to their first date, which was...2 weeks ago? #nostalgia

Danielle: “Dancing has kind of become our thing.”

Nick, eyes downcast: “It’s fun to goof around that way.”

("I love fun.")

("I love fun.")

Nick lets Danielle continue speechifying about how she feels, and how they are definitely, absolutely, 100% on the same page right now. She caps it off with one heck of a reveal: she IS falling in love with Nick (or falling off a cliff, her metaphors are a little mixed).

Nick just creepily grabs her hands and says nothing. Danielle is all “sooooo...about that thing I just said....”

Nick drops the hammer: “I think I went into this....day hoping and wanting desperately to end today just wanting to give you this rose. But I feel like in my heart, I can’t.” Ounch. His HEART just doesn’t FEEL it. What can you do? Hearts, amirite?

Danielle reacts pretty well and in a kind way. I liked her a lot more than I thought I would during her intro video. She was always positive and said kind things about the other women, so I’m sorry to see her go.

This ending is made all the more awkward because she showed up to the date naked.

(She makes it work though)

(She makes it work though)

Sorry Danielle. At least you’re a pretty crier.

Nick begins falling apart, wondering if everything he built will all turn to ash.

His wanderings lead him to the hotel, where he enters the sacred feminine space. The women are genuinely shocked to see him, which is hilarious. Like they’ve been busted!

Nick apologizes for interrupting, but he wants to be honest and real with them. Dude should just get a diary. I wish EVERYONE on this show knew that they could have a feeling or a thought and just keep it to themselves. Having a feeling doesn’t then enter you into a contract in which you must reveal it or face severe punishment.

Nick tearfully tells the room full of women he’s dating that he’s not sure he’s going to find someone amongst the women he’s dating. “I don’t know if I can keep doing this.” Such a drama queen, that Nick. He then leaves without saying goodbye. RUDE

Raven: “He’s gone.”

Someone off screen: “NO!”

COMING UP NEXT WEEK!

A metaphorical and literal storm! Women crying (except Kristina, who is Russian)!

And we will finally get a scene promised since the beginning of the season! Corinne decides to take things into her own (sex) hands, and says something that, when the producers heard, must have given each other all high fives, because it really elevated the entire season:

“My sex abilities are definitely top notch, because my heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum.”

(Pictured: Sex stuff!)

(Pictured: Sex stuff!)

The credits scene is Jasmine gleefully going around pranking all the women with 99% cocoa, which they don’t know will taste disgusting and not sweet at all. If a chocolate bar is 73% cocoa, that means it’s 73% cocoa and 27% sugar, which is a pretty good mixture for a dark chocolate bar and will taste sweet. #themoreyouknow. 99% will taste like dirt. Or, as Corinne puts it: “It’s a PLANT.”

See you next week!

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