The Bachelor: S21, Ep 9

The Bachelor: S21, Ep 9

HI GUYS WE’RE BACK!

First things first: It’s time I ate a little crow. This whole season, and really my whole life, I’ve been complaining about how long these episodes are and how they should just be an hour (or less). But at the end of this ONE HOUR LONG EP, I was like “that was it!?!?! Where are the five additional hours of television I’ve become accustomed to?”

This episode felt incomplete and too short, and I NEVER thought I’d say that. Luckily next week’s episode is THREE HOURS LONG, so I’ll look back upon this with bitter regret soon enough.

ANYWAYS, we return to our hero (?????), who has just accepted a social call from America’s ex: Andi.

("And you are......god I'm so bad with names.")

("And you are......god I'm so bad with names.")

The narrator asks: “She’d broken his heart before. What could she possibly want now?”

Ha! They have NO idea what she’s doing here! She just showed up and fought her way through a dozen PAs and we’re just going to FILM WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!! There was no way to keep her off the set! Sorry Nick!

You know this conversation is serious because Andi declares: “This conversation might call for some whiskey.”

We get a pause to visit with Vanessa, who’s just arrived. She hugs Chris, then does some teary narration: She just doesn’t feel special. But maybe she's special to someone else:

(Chris! You cad!)

(Chris! You cad!)

BACK TO ANDI!

Nick says that at least he can relate to her a little more now. He brags: “I have 4 very smart women. Very strong-headed women."

“Interesting. And they stuck around?” Andi retorts. What! Some wit on this show?!? I don’t recall ever seeing that before! DEAR GOD WHY DIDN’T I WATCH HER SEASON?

Elsewhere, Raven arrives! And she brought with her a doozy: if Nick proposed today, she’d be ready to say yes! Today!

Corinne is also here, making some crazy declarations. Of Nick, she says: “he knows me, almost to the core now." Ok WHAT went on in that hotel room? I thought Nick sent her away?!!?

BACK TO ANDI! She has just an incredible array of faces!

Nick makes a JUICY revelation: “I’m not going to get engaged just because I’m the Bachelor.”

YOU HAD ONE JOB NICK! LITERALLY your only job is to get engaged. We as a nation demand it! 

But mostly Nick is all “I want to marry all of them basically.” Then Andi gets down to what the fans of the Bachelor can never get enough of: raw and weird sex talk. Our favorite national holiday, FANTASY SUITES, is brought up:

“Let me ask you this. Are you going to have sex with any of them then?” Andi grills.

“Can I be honest? I don’t know.” I don’t know Nick, CAN YOU be honest? We all know you abuse Fantasy Suites like it's your own personal pied-à-terre.

Andi basically says: “You are all grown ass adults. Have sex if you both want to and both consent.”

And then: “That’s my feminist rant!” Damn I love her! Where was she all these last two seasons? Why did I choose to watch a show based solely around Nick instead of one where he was merely a peripheral character? What have I done with my life?!

She also zings him on the “if you didn’t care about me, why did you MAKE love to me nonsense?” from the reunion. They sort of both guffaw, Nick is all “I will always love you.” They part as friends, but not before Andi leaves him with some advice:

“Good luck. Be kind. Have fun, and most importantly: fall in love.” LOL. I’m pretty sure that’s what I wrote in everybody's yearbook my senior year.

Nick warns us that his feelings are at an *all time high* with the remaining women. He's not joking!

FEELINGS DANGER

Vanessa is mulling hometown visits: “I’m not sure how Nick felt leaving my hometown.” Probably not very welcome, if we're being truthful here!

Nick shows up, apologizes for being late, and talks 1000 words when 10 will do. So he’s not changed one bit, is what I’m saying. He announces the following ladies will get roses:

  • Raven
  • Rachel

It’s the final rose tonight, which we ONLY learn because Contestant Chris shows up to inform us: “Ladies. Nick. It’s the final rose tonight.” Otherwise we’d be in the dark with no idea how many roses are left from the 3 that we started with, after 2 have been given out! Thanks Chris!

SO! Corinne and Vanessa are left. WHO WILL IT BE?

IT WILL BE VANESSA.

She’s happy, but Corinne is not. She starts crying in a very odd manner. Is it crying or smiling?

(Also is this a dress.....or a superhero costume? Because that would explain everything.)

(Also is this a dress.....or a superhero costume? Because that would explain everything.)

Nick and Corinne share a teary goodbye. Corinne makes me feel bad for her: “I’m sorry if I ever did anything to make you upset.”

Nick does his best (and truly he’s pretty nice here, but he’s also a smarmy creep #onecomplimentoutoneinsultout) to make her feel better: “You didn’t do anything wrong! Ever! You have nothing to regret. Nothing to second guess. Look at me. Nothing. Not a thing.”

I’d feel worse for Corinne if it weren’t for THE FACE SHE’S MAKING AS SHE WALKS TOWARD HER LIMO! That is NOT the face of someone who is sad about leaving Nick Viall. That is the face of someone who is wondering where she left her passport because she’s about to board a plane to BACHELOR IN PARADISE ISLAND, where every week is Fantasy Suites Week!!!!

Once she’s in the limo, Corinne lays down her own feminist rant:

“I’m trying to say things that men think are appropriate. And you know what? I’m done. Done! Trying to show my men how much I worship them and I love them and I care for them and I support them. I need that! So if someone feels that way about me, they can come and tell me! And then can bring a ring to go along with it! I am DONE trying to impress these men. I’m going to be me. And whatever happens happens. I will never kiss up to a man ever again in my life.”

(Sing it sister)

(Sing it sister)

If there are any aspiring actresses in my reading audience, can I suggest the above as a audition monologue? You’ll thank me when you start landing every part!

The next day!

WE DISCOVER WE’RE GOING TO FINLAND.

It does look beautiful, producers. So good job. Meanwhile, Nick looks confused and menacing in equal parts, which is kind of his LOOK.

(We did not just say goodbye to the season's villain....they are very much still a part of the show)

(We did not just say goodbye to the season's villain....they are very much still a part of the show)

Nick talks about how his chemistry with Vanessa is off the hook, but his hometown with her wasn’t great. Vanessa, by the way, looks amazing. You know how *I* look in cold weather? Cold and angry. She looks like a Canadian Penelope Cruz.

Turns out Nick HAS noted that Rachel is the only one not to say I love you, because he keeps track of that kind of thing with the attention and precision of a serial killer. It's only normal on this show!

BUT! First things first: a date with Raven!

("Someday this shall all be ours!" "Yay.")

("Someday this shall all be ours!" "Yay.")

They fly off in a helicopter to view the sights of Finland. These people take helicopters the way some people take Ubers. They have heard of other forms of transportation, right?

After their flight, they head to a local pub, called "Local Pub,” play darts and meet locals. They drink a lot, which seems to be the only way to get through this show (I would know).

Nick and Raven talk about relationships, and Nick can’t help being Nick: “I always want to be stimulated in other ways other than just physically.”

Oh but it gets worse:

“It’s nice that someone wants to cook for me and clean. That’s great.” Nick WHAT DO YOU THINK A WIFE IS? I know you just can’t help yourself sometimes, but when in doubt, shut your mouth.

("Drink up, trust me. It's better for you if you don't remember what I'm saying.")

("Drink up, trust me. It's better for you if you don't remember what I'm saying.")

They begin the fun task of dividing future household tasks, and we get at least a minute of primetime TV on ironing VS steaming. Not a joke.

Raven narrates that she’s upset that she didn’t tell Nick she loved him in hometowns but....didn’t she say it in Milwaukee? I’m not imagining it, am I? Or does she just need to say it in every locale they visit?

ALSO she’s never told a guy she loved them before! Not even her years long relationship!

But Raven will always have her charisma: “I’m nervous about the fantasy suite. Because I have no idea what’s going to happen tonight. I have a GOOD idea, but I’m not really sure.” Lol girl. Never change.

("I mean, I know it's boning, but I'm not really sure.")

("I mean, I know it's boning, but I'm not really sure.")

Raven continues to just put it right out there:

“I guess my main fears today are saying I love you and having sex at the end of the night with him.” Ha! I truly love that she is so upfront about this. There’s so much “spending time together” and “developing feelings” talk on this show, but we ALL know what’s up and what goes down in Fantasy Suites, and I respect Raven for her honesty.

Question: What are they drinking? And will it affect Raven's better judgement?

ALSO:

“I’ve only had sex with one person, and I’ve never had an orgasm before. It’s really taboo to discuss but it’s important.” I agree, Raven! It is important to discuss openly and without shame, but I’m kind of shocked to hear it anyway!

CUT TO:

A romantic scene straight out of a Thomas Kinkade painting! Nick and Raven enter a rustic cabin!

Thomas Kinkade Finland

Also, what is the temperature in this cabin that Nick is wearing a double fold wool turtleneck but Raven’s shoulders aren’t even covered?

Screen Shot 2017-02-28 at 5.51.43 PM 1.png

Raven talks about what a shit her ex was. And how she feels about Nick (tldr: it's love). I realize that with less women there is more time to kill, but this is all boooooooooring.

Nick looks like he might actually be the embodiment of a Nicholas Sparks novel. And that’s NOT a compliment. But Nick does think THIS is a compliment: “That was one of the best professions of love.” 

Also we come to see that they didn’t even eat dinner! They def drank though, which would also explain EVERYONE’s actions on this show.

(Pictured: two uneaten plates of food. Not pictured: any remaining liquor. You do the math, America.)

(Pictured: two uneaten plates of food. Not pictured: any remaining liquor. You do the math, America.)

Raven narrates: “I think going into the fantasy suite is a much bigger deal for me than the other girls here. I mean, I’ve only been sexually active with one man, and I take sex so seriously.”

HA, is that a dig at the other girls? “It doesn’t matter to them because it’s just another day for them, but *I* don’t have sex constantly like they do!”

It’s actually not, because Raven is sweet and nonjudgemental, but it’s hilarious nonetheless.

OOOO what’s this? A NOTE FROM Chris Harrison, offering them the romantic opportunity to bang! Raven accepts the foregoing of individual rooms tonight aka it’s time to celebrate FANTASY SUITES! Nick seems sort of shocked that she accepts.

But first, she needs to remind him of two things: First: She’s only had sex with one guy. Side note: Nick has had sex with more people ON THIS SHOW.

Second: That one guy never made her orgasm!

Nick’s face:

ALSO Raven thinks it will happen with Nick? To which we say:

Tweet

With all the expectations in the world, these two soon-to-be lovebirds retire to the FANTASY SUITE. Which is an irritating time for the show to drop a TO BE CONTINUED on us. And yet!

TO BE CONTINUED!

The narrator asks: “Will Raven’s date come to a satisfying end?” Lol. Get it? Do you remember all that orgasm talk from two minutes ago? Chuckle.

I can’t believe ABC let’s them get away with this filth.

The credits scene is just Nick galavanting around in the snow like a fool. Be happy you missed it, if you did.

(Brooke Karzen - what have you done?)

(Brooke Karzen - what have you done?)

See you next week!

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