The Bachelor: S21, Ep 7
WELCOME TO THE BACHELOR, Scolders! Welcome to your FANTASY, America!
It’s Valentine’s Day as I watch this episode of The Bachelor, owing to pre-existing plans on Monday night. So my boyfriend and I just ordered a pizza and are about to settle into this week’s explosive episode. SCENE SET!
Last week! Nick cut Danielle, Jasmine, and Whitney. TONIGHT! THE DRAMA CONTINUES (having never really started)!
The episode begins with TOTAL silence, as the women are reeling from the “events” (and I use that term loosely) of last week.
"He's got some perfectly serviceable women there." My boyfriend helpfully notes. Well then!
Nick, meanwhile, is alone, contemplating his wicked existence on an overturned boat.
Contestant Chris comes to join him and discuss the emotional horror of last episode. Chris earns his paycheck this week by attempting, and mostly succeeding, to pretend to care about what Nick is saying. He asks Nick if he’s ready to quit and walk away from all this. This is made slightly less dramatic by the fact that I’m entirely certain Nick can’t legally quit the show, so what are we even doing here, people?
“I think there’s a big part of me that is.” Nick lies.
In other important news, Vanessa’s cat-eye is flawless.
Nick returns to the inner sanctum of the feminine spirit to hug each of the women in succession, and then proceeds to be a drama queen all over the place. OH! Is going to a tropical island and being surrounded by so many women who would never date you in real life SO HARD? Whaaaa whaaaa whaaa. Has he even had to pay for a meal in the past 2 months? Come on.
Nick finally gets to the end point: he blames the women for him sending Danielle home, because of the way he feels for them blah blah blah. The women are overjoyed, reacting as if he just paid off all their college debt, instead of that he’ll just continue to film this reality show that he’s likely contractually obligated to continue filming.
Nick proposes that they ditch the rose ceremony and cocktail party and hightail it out of town, no doubt to skip out on their hotel bills. They are headed to Bimini!!
Once firmly established in Bimini, Raven, having learned nothing from last week, describes it thus: “This is the most beautiful place I’ve ever been. So nothing can go wrong. Right?”
Maybe! But now its DATE CARD time!!!! Corinne is sweating because she’s the only remaining contestant who hasn’t had a one on one date. So it’s of primo importance that she gets this date, got it?
But instead it goes to Vanessa.
Vanessa: I’ve been waiting for a one on one.
Corinne: Wow. You lucky bitch.
Here comes DATE DAY!
Nick and Vanessa walk toward a yacht, and Vanessa says: “I’ve never been on a boat before.”
This is just patently untrue, as we SAW HER on a boat JUST LAST EPISODE on the way to Tragic Volleyball Island in Fateful Date Sea. Does she not remember? Or is she like “I’ve been on a catamaran, but not a BOAT.”
It’s hard to have a romantic conversation about romance while in the sun and also with no sunglasses. Observe:
They have more conversations about their “strong relationship” and “processing” and “fears” and “this journey” and UGH it’s so boring.
Back at the house, Corinne goes all in on Vanessa: “If I’m being really honest,” and then she pauses, as if wondering if she’s going too far, decides she’s not, and launches in: “I don’t get from her that there’s much to open up about.”
LOL, that’s rich, Corinne, especially considering I don’t think you’ve even had a conversation with Nick, just a series of make outs in varying locales.
“I don’t see much depth to Vanessa. When I talk to her it’s just *my family is Italian and we get together every Sunday and we make pasta. I’m a special needs teacher.*”
Then, in her confessional: “Nick only sees this *special needs teacher* who is just so pretty pretty perfect.” Sorry you hate special needs teachers so much, Corinne!
Back to the date! They talk some more, Vanessa gives Nick some props for everything he has to “go through” and all “the decisions” he has to make. She says she’s glad they clarified what happened in St Thomas, but these must be the same shitty editors from last week, because I didn’t catch the clarification and STILL have no idea about just what went down on the Volleyball Field of Broken Dreams and Broken-er Hearts. But they smooch, so I guess everything is back on track.
Also, Vanessa’s hoop earrings made me go down a rabbit hole searching for gold hoops. The Bachelor stimulates the economy!
Then, Vanessa says this nearly unbelievable thing: "Nick is someone that I always envisioned existed, never thought I’d be able to meet.” I would agree with that sentence but also add "and never HOPED to meet."
While they are kissing under the water, Vanessa identifies a feeling: it’s love.
And because absolutely no one on this show can have a feeling without immediately blurting it out to the nearest warm body, she wants to tell him TONIGHT.
Back at the coven! Corinne has quite an itinerary planned for Nick’s hometown visit:
“Nick’s going to see my dogs, my office, my sister, and then of course there’s my nanny slash maid, Raquel. She is my BEST friend in the entire world.” Is that kind of sweet? It seems kind of sweet. This show has trampled on all my emotions so I can’t correctly identify feelings any more.
ALSO CORINNE HAS A SISTER?! AND we get to meet Raquel? Hot damn!
A GROUP DATE card arrives!
Corinne is still DYING for that one on one, so naturally, she’s on this group date, along with Kristina and Raven. Corinne is....not happy about this turn of events.
Also, I come to the realization that I am VERY susceptible to this show because I always want to drink wine while watching it and NOW I KNOW WHY!
Also because this show is nearly unendurable without it.
Back at the date! Vanessa is excited to see Nick’s “facial reaction” to her declaration of love. Ha, ok. I thought it would be the prospect of growing old with your soulmate, but *an expression* is also a fun part of love.
Vanessa “knows” that Nick feels the same way. I “know” that the way they are currently editing this scene is not likely to bear that out.
Vanessa is so gorgeous but everything she says makes me question her sanity. At the dinner portion of the date, she drops the bomb: “I am falling in love with you.”
QUICK. Think of all the ways you would want someone to respond to your declaration of love. Is the following soliloquy ANYWHERE on your list?
Nick: “I have been in love before. I have fallen in love in this environment before. I have said I love you in this environment before. I’m not ashamed of it, I don't’ take it back. But I’m looking for the type of love I’ve never had before. And I do believe, even though I’ve been in love and I’ve had some great loves of my life, that there is a greater love for me than what I’ve had. Um. I really really like you. A lot. It is incredibly important for me, um, if I’m lucky enough to feel love or say the “I love you” in this world, that I only say it to one person. I’ve never dated multiple women before. I’ve never grown relationships with multiple women before. And so I’m taking it slow. And I’m glad I am because if I’m lucky enough to say I love you, I want to feel like in a way I’m saying it for the first time.”
No? How odd! Because Vanessa doesn’t take it well, either.
Hey Nick! Here’s a gift from me to you! I took the liberty of writing what you could, neigh SHOULD, have said, in just one sentence:
“I really want you to know that I’m not planning on saying I love anyone until the end because of all the negative experiences I’ve had on this show, but I really care about you.”
BAM. Cast ME as the next Bachelor, America!
“I thought we were on the same page.” Vanessa thought wrong. She’s not sure where her declaration of love leaves her, but she knows where she doesn’t WANT to be: “I’m afraid to end up like Nick did.” OUCH! That’s ICE COLD. I’m going to remember that for the next time I want to deeply insult someone.
It’s THE NEXT DATE!
Kristina calls Nick “basically my boyfriend.” Kristina! I thought you were better than that nonsense.
At stake on this group date is the ONLY rose of the week. That's a HIGH stake.
Corinne walks over to a fence for the sole purpose of resting totally naturally against it, all while wearing an absurd top, while also declaring herself the “queen of group dates.”
Corinne says: “I’ve been on a boat bigger than this. We go boating a lot in Florida. I’m a boater. I’m experienced, and I look great on a yacht.” It's NOT her first time on a boat, is what she's saying.
Nick, who is in FULL CREEP MODE, asks “You guys need some sunscreen perhaps?” and then he proceeds to squirt a whole bunch on Kristina’s back without waiting for her answer. America’s Prince, ladies and gentlemen!
What a gross creep move. Ugh. This is making me want to extract all the women from Bimini with the skill and efficiency of that time Bill Clinton freed those journalists from North Korea.
Also, this pic of Kristina looks like a vintage 80s ad. Aka full of sexism.
“Get that inner thigh, don’t want that sunburned.” Nick smarms. UGH WHAT A CREEP. I have an accompanying pic of this but I'll spare you.
Corinne, wishing she were on the receiving end of Nick’s creepiness, is trying to remain confident. “I am not going to let girls bring me down when I’m trying to literally win over my fiancé.” She sounds like she won him at a county fair.
Nick now reveals what fun they’ll be having on today’s date: they are swimming with sharks! Corinne has some concerns:
Corinne: Are we in a cage?
Corinne: Are they toothless?
Kristina is similarly afraid, but, you know, still Russian.
Kristina: I know they can bite and they can smell blood, and you can die.
Corinne: What if one of them wants to bite our limb off?
Raven is not worried: “Most likely to be eaten today is Corinne. Kristina has a good chance too because she’s also scared. And they can smell fear.”
“I will punch a shark if it gets too close to me!” She promises.
LOL. I love this idea that ABC would let one of the contestants on The freaking Bachelor get a limb torn off by a shark while on a date with Nick while also on TV. Maybe in Season 47.
The 4 of them summon all their courage and swim in the ocean, where they do indeed spot some sharks, with limbs of past contestants still hanging out of their mouths.
It's all too much for Kristina, who freaks out and retreats back to the boat, where Nick follows. Corinne is all “fuck this” and gets back on the yacht with several demands: “I need a towel. I need champagne.”
In case you’re wondering what Corinne looks like with no makeup:
In case you’re wondering what Nick looks like with stupid hair:
Later, they go to a house, where their separate drink orders are ALREADY prepared for them! This goes a long way towards explaining why Corinne is OBVIOUSLY and ALREADY drunk.
Nick kidnaps Kristina to talk more about feelings and cry. This dude has an endless capacity to talk about emotions. Kristina is more to the point: “Listen, you can’t keep us all, so you’re going to have to make a decision.”
Nick is still struggling with the reality that he can’t have 6 wives: “You six women are great.” This is actually among the Top 10 things a woman wants to hear on a date.
Corinne: How are you feeling?
Raven: I’m getting the butterflies.
Corinne: Yea. I mean, it’s only natural.
ITS ONLY NATURAL!
Nick then steals Raven, and she uses this opportunity to make sure Nick is nervous to meet her family. Nick IS nervous, because he knows he’s a slimy slimeball: “If I were a brother or a father meeting me, knowing my story, I would have a shit ton of questions.” If he were a BROTHER or a FATHER. A BROTHER or a FATHER. Hmmm....just wondering if he forgot to mention anyone else in that family who might have concerns about her daughter? Anyone that maybe Raven's FATHER is married to and perhaps mothered Raven's BROTHER? Nope? He got everyone? Well ok.
Raven talks about how her father was diagnosed with lung cancer, and she dropped out of law school and moved back home. It’s bittersweet and I’ve always liked Raven, and her continuing presence on this show has done nothing to change that.
Back at the house! Danielle is SO thrilled to get the next one on one date, and Rachel and Vanessa are SO happy for her!
Meanwhile, I feel like I’ve been watching this season for so long that I can detect how drunk Corinne is in just a few seconds. She carries it in her eyes. I am consistently impressed, however, at how good she is at maintaining convos with Nick WHILE drunk. The women all seem to know when Corinne is drunk, but Nick never does.
Nick and Corinne talk about how good Corinne is at playing The Bachelor game, and it sounds less like Nick is interested in her as a partner and more like he’s giving her mad props from one former Bachelor contestant to another.
“You killed it,” Nick says, of the opening night. “I mean you’re still here. You’re doing something right.” And then, as people always do when they run out of things to say on this show, they smooch.
“I think we’re going to meet Raquel.” My boyfriend says excitedly. Truly, I have hope!
This conversation went so well that Corinne is going on and on about how she’s secure in the competition, how Corinne is great again, etc etc, and then Nick gives “easily the most important rose” to RAVEN.
Nick and Raven go to the beach to listen to some man with a guitar and a falsetto voice and a VERY SERIOUS expression on his face while he sings, which this show has a SEEMINGLY INEXHAUSTIBLE RESERVE OF. Seriously. These people can't walk outside without hearing some sensitive male crooner strumming on a guitar.
I’ll condense about 10 minutes of showtime into a few sentences: Nick and Raven kiss, Corinne frets. She starts to talk about herself in the third person again, a sure sign of mental agitation: “Corinne is going to keep doing Corinne until I get engaged to him.”
THE NEXT DAY is THE NEXT DATE!
Danielle joins Nick and they mount bikes.
Danielle is charmed: “I miss riding a bike.”
Nick: “It’s kind of fun right. It’s like a swing, you know."
Danielle: “I love to swing.”
Nick: "You kind of forget how amazing it is."
THIS IS GREAT ROMANCE, people. This is the raw stuff of future poetry.
Later, Nick gets absolutely schooled in basketball by some young boys.
Nick and Danielle, still smarting from his recent defeat, retire and chat about hometown dates .
“Would we go back to Wisconsin?” He nervously asks AKA he does NOT want to go back to that Scott Walker-run nightmare hellscape.
To the camera, Nick says that he is feeling the strain of the stilted conversation, but it does NOT stop him from creeping. And neither of them are doing the heavy lifting of making an interesting conversation, by the way, NICK.
Back at the house! They girls are drinking wine and gossiping. It looks WAY more fun than the one-on-one date that is currently occurring and currently crashing and burning.
Back at the date! Danielle is still blissfully unaware that their date today wasn’t that great, specifically because Nick is all “Cheers to a wonderful date today! So fun!”
She also still looks and talks like she’s majorly baked. I’m happy for her that she was able to bring her stash abroad.
Nick, ever the gifted verbalist, says: “You’re fun to have fun with.” It takes two people to have an interesting convo, NICK.
Nick, knowing he’s not that into Danielle, brings up Danielle’s dead fiancé again. Danielle talks about him some more, and then addresses the camera: “The last time I was in love with someone....they died.”
Ok....did that sound like a threat to you?
These two continue to talk, and it just doesn’t seem like they have had that much time together or that great of a connection. But don’t tell Danielle that!
“I want you to know that my heart is very open. And it’s very open to you.” She says.
Nick confesses to the camera: “If I’m being honest with myself, I just don’t see a future with Danielle. And it breaks my heart.” Nick then uses about 5000 words to basically say to Danielle: “it’s not you, it’s me.”
“I don’t think my heart can get there,” Nick says to Danielle. “I’m sorry.....you’re just so great.”
Danielle: “Not great enough.”
Nick walks Danielle out. They don’t kiss or hug goodbye, and they are both crying. In a particularly wrenching move, Danielle has to go back to the house to get her stuff and say goodbye to the women.
She gives them a teary goodbye, and they are shocked and saddened to see her leave, and very empathetic to her plight. It’s sad and sweet and by the time I finish typing this sentence I’ll be over it.
“It does hurt my heart a little bit that someone so sweet did go home.” Corinne says, and I think it’s the first time she’s said something truly nice about another women on this show! Congrats, Corinne! You’re growing and learning! Call Taylor and let her know about your newfound emotional intelligence. She'll be so happy to hear it!
But she’s not letting herself get distracted from “the prize.”
“I’d live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick. I would. That’s how much I care about Nick and want to be with Nick. WHO AM I? ” HA, I’m doing half that right now Corinne! It’s not that hard!
Corinne decides that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! She’s taking matters into her own hands! Specifically, she’s getting all dolled up and is going to pay Nick a visit. A NICK AT NIGHT visit, wink wink wink.
This is an actual shot from her getting ready for the date, which lasts for a few seconds. Did Nick direct this episode?
Anyway, she traverses the great Hilton lobby in some truly unwieldy looking shoes, and soon arrives at Nick’s door. Her ruse is that she wanted to come see if he was ok.
“I was actually just having a bit of a nightcap.” Nick says.
My boyfriend: “By HIMSELF?” What a moralist.
Nick seems positively bemused by the situation, which he has no handle on and no control over.
“I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm.” Corinne tells the camera, in case you didn’t already understand what she was there for.
They drink and Nick, again, is impressed by her game: “You’re just making it happen.”
This is followed by a few seconds of awkward silence, which Corinne ends, like the pro that she is, by kissing Nick. That’s ALL people do on this show: when conversation stalls for a few seconds, they just make out. Can you imagine if people in real life did this? *Uhhh, awkward silence! Here comes my tongue!* Daytime cable shows would never be the same! Meeting new people would be so radically different! Job interviews would be changed forever!
Corinne gets down to brass tacks: "Come, let’s go to your room." THEN! She finally gets to utter the most quoted line of this season:
“I know how to make a man feel good. And I do it way better than anyone else. Because my heart is gold but my vagine is platinum.”
Wait...how did a poem by Sappho get in here? Or is this Lord Byron’s work? Oh wait, it's just the poetry of The Bachelor!
We get to witness the next scene from behind a door. Since when does this show have any compunction about following these people into bed? There are some kissing noises. It sounds like Nick says “I’m very attractive,” to which Corinne responds “I’m very attracted.” More kissing noises, what sounds like a zipper (which was almost certainly added in post production), and then Nick saying “wait wait, slow down.”
Nick: I don’t think this is a good idea.
Corinne: Uhhhh, oh my god.
Nick: Very tempting, but I’ve learned that we’re always supposed to wait in these instances.
Corinne: Mhhh hmmm.
Nick: Don’t feel bad, it’s fine.
Corinne: Oh my god.
He doesn’t want to make the same mistake as he did with Kaitlyn, which was having consensual sex with someone you are dating.
“Thank you for checking in on me.” Nick says, and sends her on her way. Corinne then has to endure a different sort of walk of shame - one in which she’s seen leaving a man’s room within a respectable window of time, and not the next morning! SHAME!
“Tonight definitely did not go as I wanted it to. I tried to do something nice and very cute for Nick, and it just backfired.” SEX is the nice and very cute thing she tried to do for Nick, in case you’re not following or just came back from making a quesadilla in your kitchen.
She has the ignominy of so soon walking past the Hilton registration desk again, and then choosing an odd door from which to exit. Poor Corinne! She really is embarrassed.
THE NEXT DAY!
The women are gathered around, still talking about Nick and Danielle and love and relationships. Are these women contractually obligated to stay indoors unless summoned by Nick? Can’t they go to the beach or something? That WOULD explain why they are always so desperate to see him.
Corinne is spinning out of control. Into this dour environment, Rachel sails in to talk about how excited she is to go on a date with Nick, which is just what Corinne does NOT want to hear right now!
Nick and Rachel’s date begins, and ends really, at a small local bar, when they chit chat and drink beer. The date budget must really have been busted earlier, huh?
Their conversation is a lot more fluid and real than either Nick and Danielle's and Nick and Corinne's, by the way.
Nick then shows why he is NOT part of an FBI investigatory team.
“Will I be similar to the guys you’ve dated before? Will I be different?”
*What could you possibly mean NICK?!*
Rachel: “Yes and no.”
Nick: "Ok, can you be more specific?"
*Yes, Nick, SPECIFICALLY, what do you mean?*
Rachel: "I’ve never brought home a white guy."
Come on, Nick. You don’t have to beat around the bush. I’m pretty sure she KNOWS you are white.
Rachel looks really lovely, even when spouting silly cliches like “I love sports but I don’t play games.” She’s going to be a fantastic Bachelorette. She’s also reaching Raven-levels of expert narration: “It was as easy as the breeze that was flowing through the bar” she says, of the date.
The bartender asks how Nick and Rachel met.
Nick: “She got out of a limo, I was just standing there minding my own business. And she kind of threw some game my way and I threw it right back.”
I’m glad they met this bartender, bc he’s been the most interesting part of any date this episode.
Nick and Rachel repay this man’s generosity and welcomingness by then defacing his bar.
“I could not have planned a better date today.” Rachel enthuses. Rachel, give yourself some credit. Have you ever said to a friend “hey, let’s get drinks at this bar?” Then you’ve planned just as adequate of a date.
Rachel says she’s falling for nick, but she WISELY says it to the audience, instead of Nick. She has good boundaries!
The date ends, and Rachel surprises the ladies because she’s back so quickly. But really they are apparently still under house arrest and just happy to see someone, anyone.
Later! Nick and Chris meet up. Just to chat, you know? Some real one-on-one BRO TIME. The talk, naturally, turns to next week’s hometown visits.
Chris: “When you enter a door and bring someone home to meet your family, it changes everything.”
Truly. Now you can no longer say you haven’t met their family. Everything: changed.
Nick reveals that he knows who he has to say goodbye to. Chris’s face is hilarious. How does he manage to look so sincere in the face of such absurdity?
Nick wants to send the woman home face to face, rather than at a rose ceremony. AND UGH here comes me thinking that it's a decent move, because it’d be easier for HIM to say goodbye at a rose ceremony, but it’s the kinder thing to do to send her home in a conversation. AND here comes my insult: Nick should seriously rethink the length of his mustache hairs. #onecomplimentoutoneinsultout
Nick wastes no time in beginning his dirty work. He shows up at the female manor and Corinne just repeats “oh no no no no no,” sure her time has come. But he asks for KRISTINA! TWIST! Or not really, since who cares?!
Nick takes Kristina outside “to talk,” and as soon as he starts crying she realizes what’s coming and is NOT pleased.
“I have such a love for you but right now I don’t feel like there’s the “in love.” Nick says.
“And you’re starting to feel that with some people?” Kristina asks.
Nick’s all, basically, yes.
Kristina: “You didn’t give me a fair chance.”
Aw, poor Kristina. She’s lovely and she seems fun and sweet. I’m sure she’ll find someone better. Maybe the limo driver? Maybe the pilot who will fly her out of Bimini? Maybe literally any other guy on this island?!?
Nick, meanwhile, is still going on and on. He talks about how “things change that much more on the fantasy suite week.” UGH we get it, it’s your sacredly recognized WEEK TO BONE! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: This show is profane.
Why is Nick always the one who ends up crying when he’s breaking up with someone? Kristina has the bearing to not cry, look off into the distance stoically, and say, of connections with the other women, “I am happy to know that you are finding that.” All this as a SINGLE TEAR rolls down Nick’s cheek.
Kristina wisely waits until Nick leaves to cry, when all of the women are there to comfort her. Poor Kristina. You can do #somuchbetter.
Hometown dates are on the line! More crying! More heart talk! Apparently we “won’t believe what Nick decides!” I find that hard to believe, ABC!
Also we won’t believe who returns to CUNTFRONT NICK. And what does it mean for the rest of his journey? And wtf does it have to do with Northern Lights?
“I’ve been dumped my entire life.” Nick narrates. That’s bleak, Nick. He goes on. Could this all be “a waste of tears, a waste of broken hearts?” Such a drama queen, that Nick. Just relax, take a step back and look at things in perspective. Maybe take a vacation? Maybe quit this show and let Rachel start early? I’ll front you some money when ABC inevitably sues.
These are always so much better than the show. Why don’t the editors realize that we want more of these scenes IN the episode, rather than all the dry and dull love talk?
Scene: Corinne is TIRED. She’s been drinking and swimming all day. So she takes a quick nap on the couch, where Raven and Kristina find her.
K: Oh Corinne, Corinne.
R: Wait. I just had déjà vu. Never mind, she did this before.
K: She looks pretty.
R: Her ass is out.
They then balance some cubes of cheese on her still sleeping head and run out, while doing a victory cheese toss on their way out!
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!