The Bachelor: S21, Ep 5

The Bachelor: S21, Ep 5

The world is on fire, but lucky for us, the only politics inside the house are the politics OF the house. AKA Taylor and Corinne are still fighting. The crimes leveraged against the other are quite serious. On one side, we have that time Taylor RE-INTERRUPTED Corinne. On the other, that one time Corinne took a little doze.

Naturally, Corinne says she’s going to go rip Taylor a new one. A new what? LET’S FIND OUT!

Apparently this is the most anticipated showdown of the season, according to the narrator, which really concerns me about the level of drama for the rest of the season.

Taylor and Corinne debate the merits of emotional intelligence vs maturity. This kind of argument would have NEVER happened amongst the men of The Bachelorette. They would have argued over who could bench press more protein powder and who could achieve the most negs per minute. I WILL say that Taylor has excellent resting bitch-listening face. I don’t think I could keep arguing if I were confronted with this:

Alexis makes a plea for maturity and sanity: “We’re women! We’re not in high school!” And then she adds “Let’s quit this show and go get bottomless sangrias!” IN MY FANTASIES she says that.

I can’t follow this conversation between Taylor and Corinne any more. Nor do I care to. “You have a stank face on your face.” Corrine says, no doubt quoting Winston Churchill or some other great historical orator.

Corinne actually does a pretty good job of putting Taylor on edge and forcing her to defend herself. Also, bonus! Corinne stumbles upon the cover of her autobiography.

(I already love this book)

(I already love this book)

This scene could have easily been replaced with one of Alexis talking about her boobs or Josephine singing the hotly anticipated follow up to her previous little ditty. THAT is what America wants to see. I’m fairly confident, because I AM America.

Corinne takes Nick to a wicker couch to “not be fake or lie or anything.” She then tells him that a lot of girls have been feeling “weird” towards Taylor. The look on her face as she’s telling him this really advertises that she doesn’t believe a word of it AKA she’s only saying this to stir up a heaping helping of piping hot DRAMZ. And I’m ok with that! Without DRAMZ this show is just relentless heterosexuality and feelings. No.Thank.You.

Nick, to his dumb credit, seems to believe it. Although he’s mentioned before how he likes the women to be friends, so this must feel like an icy dagger in the back.

“I don’t think she’s here for the right reasons.” Corinne finally states. That is the worst charge you could leverage against anyone on a reality show, btw. Including a new show I’m producing called “Here For The Wrong Reasons,” premiering soon on Oxygen TV.

“What does that say about your emotional intelligence, biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch?” Corinne, sounding eerily familiar, says about Taylor.

WOW. It’s already time for the Rose Ceremony(™). The women are all forced to wait around in a drafty barn and they look FREEZING. Is this another challenge, or has the show just run out of budget for a little space heater? How expensive was admission to the Museum of Broken Hearts?

You can even see Corinne’s breath, but it could also just be the succubus leaving her earthly body.

Kristina, who already has a rose, has an easy solution for the Taylor-Corinne border skirmish: "Have them both go home."

Raven and Danielle also already HAVE roses, while Sarah looks to HAVE the beginning stages of hypothermia. Honestly these women probably WANT to get cut so they can get into the back of a warm limo.

(Don't worry, Sarah. You're going to be put out of your misery soon enough.)

(Don't worry, Sarah. You're going to be put out of your misery soon enough.)

The following women get roses!

  • Whitney
  • Danielle M.
  • Jasmine
  • Rachel (DUH)

Taylor looks SO SAD, it’s kind of hard to watch.

  • NEXT UP is Jaimi
  • Josephine
  • Vanessa (DUH)
  • Alexis (THANK GOD!)
  • Corinne

ONE ROSE REMAINS. Sarah, Taylor, and Astrid don’t yet have Roses. The final rose goes to....Taylor.

I am not ok with how tonight went. I really liked Astrid AND Sarah. Stupid Nick. I keep forgetting that he’s in charge of proceedings, but I sure do remember when things start to suck.

Aw, Sarah is crying about how much she wants love. SARAH! You are 26! And you’re so cute and sweet. You’ll be FINE. Astrid is NOT shown saying goodbye to the camera. My guess is that she wasn’t crying and was like “eh, I guess at least I got a trip to Milwaukee and I’m leaving with Josephine’s number, I’m good.”

Nick tells the remaining girls that they are going to “spice it up a bit.” Knowing this show’s track record, they are probably headed straight for Stamford, CT or somewhere equally exciting.

BUT NO! Actually they are going to New Orleans! That’s fun! Was Old Orleans not available? ZING! What a dumb joke!

The women don’t have nearly as much trouble faking excitement for this locale as they did for Wisconsin. They might also just be in the later stages of hypothermia.

Coming up next! Nick frenches like 7 women. We get to find out which women believe in ghosts.

SCENE CHANGE: New Orleans, Louisiana!

Alexis announces: “My name is Miss Louisiana. I like gators, grits, and a good time. Whooo!” Then she shakes her chest, but I likely didn’t have to tell you that, did I?

The women all explore the city and dance together in the streets, because they are pals and they love hanging out together! They explore their way right to their JW Marriott sponsored accommodations, where they are instructed to flip the fuck out over the basic looking hotel suite with the adequate view.

("Wow! You mean all of this is ours?!")

("Wow! You mean all of this is ours?!")

Rachel is fretting about how she hasn’t had a one-on-one date, while Corinne seems to have no trouble making friends. 

Contestant Chris shows up to reveal to them the various fates that await them this week! There will be THREE dates. One 1-on1 date, a group date, and the accursed Two-on-One Date. Jeepers. NO ONE wants that last date.

Everyone wants the FIRST date, but it can only go to just one Rachel. The other women are just super pumped for her.

I will say: Taylor is very beautiful but she does seem like kind of a stick in the mud.

DATE DAY!

It starts off promisingly:

(I mean, not for those poor tourists)

(I mean, not for those poor tourists)

Side note, I’m really hungry right now and I totally get why Corinne likes having a nanny. I would LOVE for someone to show up with sliced cucumbers and cheese pasta and no judgement.

Back to the date! The two of them run amok around the market and try on masks and eat oysters and try hot sauce.

Rachel seems utterly charmed by Nick for some reason. Nick is utterly charmed by Rachel because she’s obviously charming. The two head to Cafe Du Monde and continue eating things unglamourously.

(Maybe do some cocaine too?)

(Maybe do some cocaine too?)

This actually seems like a nice date and the two of them have good chemistry. FINE. I’ll allow it. Whatever. They walk into the street and run into a “Second Line” and are caught up in it and dance around.

“I’m so proud of Nick. I had no idea he had swag like that.” Rachel says. Ok, so maybe Rachel lies from time to time, but apart from that, she’s great. If she’s not selected as Nick’s bride, I’m going to take to the streets in protest if she’s not immediately made the next Bachelorette.

In a particularly cruel twist of the producers fate, the women in the regular old hotel room fabulous hotel penthouse can see the dancing going on below and all react with appropriate sadness.

Side note: what time of day is it that Josephine is in a bathrobe and Jasmine is already drinking wine? Because I LIKE that hour.

Back at their date, Nick and Rachel keep dancing and smiling at each other and making out and laughing. They listen to music and Nick plays ittsy bittsy spider on her shoulder and gazes at her when she’s not looking. It’s not creepy AT ALL.

We only get Rachel's take on how good this date is so far, but she is REALLY into it. “Best date of my life, for sure.” Rachel says. Can’t argue with her on that, even if I’d like to!

Later that night! The two of them go to a creepy costume shop at night and attempt to give themselves nightmares.

Nick calls her “milady.” HA, do you think the producers had to wrest the fedora from his head earlier?

It comes out that Rachel’s Dad is a federal judge, which rightfully puts the fear of God in Nick. “Is he intimidating?” He asks. “Do I have to call him sir?” He frets for about 5 minutes about how nervous he is to potentially meet her dad (many WEEKS from now) and then about how he already tried to propose to two other women. It’s not exactly Rachel’s FAVORITE topic of conversation

Side note: If any partner of mine asked my father for permission to marry me, I’d prob say no just on principle. Ever since I turned 18, it’s been legal for me to marry based on my own wishes, and I don’t belong to anyone but myself. My dad would be free to express his *opinions* on the match, but that’s all they would be. You can do what you want, but I’m just saying that it’s shit like this that helps men think women don’t control their own bodies.

Anyway.

Nick says “I might be breaking the rules here, but I’m SUPER into you.” He then manages to grab the rose and hand it to Rachel in the most stilted and creepy manner possible. Look!

(Rachel: “Are you freaking done yet?")

(Rachel: “Are you freaking done yet?")

No joke, the whole process takes about 10 seconds. It might not sound like a lot of time, but go ahead and count down 10 seconds. It’s enough time to grab SEVERAL roses. Try to go and pick up a rose and hand it to someone in 10 seconds and see how much freaking time you have left over. Nick uses the excess time to smile like a grade A creep.

Rachel, of course, accepts the rose. They kiss for about 10 minutes. “I’m not nervous anymore.” Rachel says. Then Nick tries to test this by taking her further into the creepy warehouse, where they kiss to end the night.

Thank god this date is over. It’s cute that they had a nice date and I really like Rachel, but there’s not much more to say about it than “she’s pretty and sweet, they had a nice time, no boobs were revealed, everyone managed to stay awake.” BO-RING.

Back in the incredibly luxurious suite, the women are fretting about the 2-on-1 date. Right on cue, the group date card arrives! It reads “Till Death Do Us Part” which sounds less like a date and more like a threat.

  • Josephine (who apparently can’t exist without having her arms draped around another woman and I LOVE her for it)
(Danielle AND Corinne! You dog, Josephine!)

(Danielle AND Corinne! You dog, Josephine!)

  • Kristina
  • Alexis
  • Raven
  • Jaimi
  • Vanessa
  • Danielle M
  • Whitney
  • Jasmine
  • Danielle L

If you guessed that Taylor and Corinne would be going on the 2-on-1 date, congratulations! You’ve watched at least one reality show before.

It’s DATE DAY! The women meet Nick at at the Houmas House, “one of the most haunted houses in all of Louisiana” he promises. He does a quick survey of which ladies believe in ghosts. It’s a surprisingly high proportion! Although I guess they believe in love so they prob believe in anything. ZING!

Alexis is thrilled about this turn of events (remember, she’s afraid of aliens, NOT ghosts. Ghosts of aliens? The jury is still out.).

Raven sends me into a fit of laughter: “I did NOT sign up to be part of the Ghostbusters. If we see a ghost, I’m going to rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m not putting up with it.” HA! HA!

The way that Jaimi and Alexis are acting with one another makes me think (/dream) that they are in love or that they are both being fed enough white wine to keep them at a constant level of tipsiness. Either way, I’m here for it.

(All the worthwile action in this shot is on the right side)

(All the worthwile action in this shot is on the right side)

The group then adjourns to a *haunted* bar to get *spooky* cocktails and are treated to an *eerie* story about Houmas House from Boo, the *creepy* caretaker. Apparently this place is haunted by the ghost of a 7 year old named May who is just looking for her doll, thank you very much. The women (and Nick) are appropriately creeped out.

SIDE NOTE: I WISH the Backstreet Boys would just bust out right now. Just while they are all walking around the old house and everything is very quiet and suddenly you hear “EVERYBODY!” It’d be hilarious and everything I would want in an ep.

Boo mentions that they are very happy to still have May’s creepy doll on display. Keep this info in mind for later spooktacular events.

It gets to be nighttime and they continue to drink and toast May, whom they hope never to meet. RUDE. Jaimi, on the other hand, is all “let’s do it! Let’s get creepy!” Kristin finds a Ouji board (which she pronounces hilariously wrong with her Russian accent). They ask the board if May is in the room. They don't ask how much money the producers spent on this scene because it's very apparent that they spent zero money on this scene

The lights flicker, and everyone is terrified. Boo is shown in front of the house, doing a bad acting job in his one man show, “Can You Believe This is My Job, Act 1: Where Did I Go Wrong In My Life?” He’s pacing and muttering about the doll. SPEAKING OF THE DOLL! Nick and the girls go to May’s room and discover that the doll is MISSING.

Jasmine is pretty confident that there’s no ghost and says this out loud and quite brashly, and the other women are like “SHUT UP you are taunting a straight up GHOST!” Jasmine proudly proclaims that she doesn’t even know that ghost chick’s name. She THEN goes so far as to lift a sheet that she was emphatically asked NOT TO lift, and a chandelier promptly crashes to the ground.

The women all agree that as terrifying as this is, it’s less scary than being back at the house with Corinne and Taylor, who are shown getting ready for their ultimate showdown in their own specific ways.

In exciting news! Corinne finally got her cheesy pasta! But she's still harping on Taylor: “It’s really sad that you can’t read, you know, other signs of intelligency. Is intelligency a word?” IT SHOULD BE, Corrine.

Back at the date!

Nick and Jaimi hang out, and Nick mentions that he thought there were 10 women on the date. But turns out May is also here and there are 11.

SHE IS A CHILD NICK BACK AWAY!

Whitney is the second women to say she doesn’t believe in ghosts but she DOES believe in spirits. I wish one of these women could explain to me what that means in this context because they seem to be using the two words interchangeably.

Kristina, Alexis, and Raven continue to explore the house and search for ghosts. I would SO watch a reality show where the 3 of them go ghost and merlot hunting. I’d call it “3 Non Blondes.”

(Lantern in one hand and wine in the other. This woman is a professional!)

(Lantern in one hand and wine in the other. This woman is a professional!)

Danielle L. tells Nick she can see herself falling in love with him. Nick looks like he’s concerned she might actually be the ghost of May. He ALSO says “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

Is he telling her to go away????

Jasmine has finally relented and now believes that there IS in fact a ghost in the house. Raven orders her into the bedroom to ask May’s forgiveness for touching her hat earlier. May is as quick to anger as all these women are, it appears.

Nick goes back to the well of his weird sex moves, which is to creepily run his fingers along women. Danielle’s theme music, which is some soft twangy guitar riff, plays whenever she is on screen in a romantic manner. It’s NOT catchy.

(Where did Nick learn to touch?!?!)

(Where did Nick learn to touch?!?!)

Later, Raven is chatting with Nick. Prepare for some truly shocking conversation:.

Raven: Actually the moment I fell in love with you was-
Nick: WHAT?
Raven: When you sang the little mermaid.
Me: WHAT?

Raven agrees it’s a little too soon but shrugs it off: “Whatever. I own it.” Later, Nick repays her in kind by NOT giving her the date rose and instead handing it to Danielle M. Wow, Nick. That’s ice cold.

Coming up! Taylor outlines that old duality we’re always hearing about in love. “Nick is picking between someone, me, who has their master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling, and Corinne, who is a manipulative bitch.” A classic choice!

THE NEXT DAY. Nick, Corinne, and Taylor are going to the Bayou! Female solidarity is NOT to be found on this date.

To the camera, Corinne reveals something I’ve been saying since the FIRST EPISODE!

“No votes for Taylor. Make America Corinne again.”

(I fucking TOLD YOU she was a lost Trump daughter!)

(I fucking TOLD YOU she was a lost Trump daughter!)

Side note: I’ve never hugged like this, ever. Have I been doing it wrong?

The three of them, plus local guide, boat around the backwaters, while Taylor yet again mentions that she has a masters degree in clinical mental health counseling. I kind of want to go get one myself so I can prove to Taylor that there’s still plenty of other stuff I could talk about.

Taylor finally lays it down: “If Nick chooses Corinne today, he’s thinking with his dick.”

They stumble upon a Voodoo Priestess ceremony in the middle of the swamp. A priestess tells them to “get ready to be revealed” as she leads them to a tarot reader. “It feels very tense.” The reader notes, and asks Corinne and Nick to leave while she reads Taylor's cards first. Taylor's cards are all about Corinne! “There’s someone around you who has a tendency to be very very nasty.”

CUT TO:

Corinne tells Nick that she’s obligated to tell him about all the juicy drama between her and Taylor.

Corinne: She emotionally attached me. She basically called me stupid.
Nick: How did that make you feel?
Corinne: Bullied.

One thing about Corinne: she actually does what she says she’s going to do. When it’s time for her to get her cards read, it’s all about her mouth getting into her trouble. Corinne's response is to talk about her butt: “This butt doesn’t belong in the swamp.”

Nick runs to Taylor and gossips about what Corinne just told HIM. He is a grade A gossip stirrer. Taylor, of course, takes it great.

Corinne uses her time with the reader to ask about making a voodoo doll. Not a joke. Surprisingly, the priestess doesn't tell her to get lost, but instead gives Corinne one! This seems like a dangerous combination.

Later! Taylor and Corinne hang out and shoot the shit. The shit TALK. They argue about who lied to who, who called whom stupid, who bullied whom. I don’t think these two are going to make it, sadly. :(

Taylor questions what a Nick/Corinne pairing would even look like: “Their relationship will be built off of whipped cream and lies.” Sounds great to me, honestly.

Meanwhile, Nick is off wandering in the woods. When he finally makes his way out, he decides it’s time to give out the rose. He gives a little speech, talks about emotional connections, and then gives the rose to Corinne.

Taylor is piiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssed. She doesn’t say anything, she and Nick just hug, and she walks off. Nick and Corinne motor home in the boat, and I’m not sure if they remember that that’s how Taylor got there too. Don’t get a rose, have to stay in the swamp, apparently. Is that it, Nick???

They boat off and it’s beautiful!

(I mean, apart from literally everything that's happening in this shot)

(I mean, apart from literally everything that's happening in this shot)

Later, Corinne imagines what Taylor’s diary entry for today will look like.

“Dear Diary,
Today I learned that Corinne is far from being a fucking idiot, and I feel like a pathetic loser for judging her. Period.”

If that IS Taylor’s diary, I hope she’s seeing her own clinical mental health counselor.

Soon, it’s nighttime! And Taylor is still in the swamp! Seriously! Can’t we do a search and rescue for this poor girl?

I’M the one that’s emotionally intuitive and aware.” Seriously Taylor. You sound like kind of a drip. “I’m not going to go home without saying my piece.”

Corinne and Nick sit down to a romantic dinner, and I honestly think Corinne is probably pretty nervous because there’s no whipped cream or bouncy houses around to build a relationship out of. Serious question: when does a bouncy house become a bouncy home?

Taylor is still walking around, although it looks like she finally made it out of the swamp. AND STRAIGHT INTO NICK AND CORINNE’S ROMANTIC DINNER.

Corinne: ‘What the fuck is she doing here?” 
Taylor: "I really need to talk to you”
The Producers: TO BE CONTINUED...

NEXT WEEK! Taylor “speaks her truth.” EVERYONE cries. I can't wait.

CREDITS SCENE!

Of course it’s Alexis, aka the producer’s secret weapon. She and Nick are back in Houmas House, talking about the very nature of fear itself. Alexis: “Nothing has been scary tonight so far. The scariest thing I can think of right now is probably Nicholas Cage. If I saw a ghost that looked like Nicholas Cage, I would sprint out of here.”

Nick takes this opportunity to leave and return with a Nicholas Cage mask on. He then forces Alexis to kiss him in some bizarre shock therapy, but it seems to work.

(Really good job, team!)

(Really good job, team!)

See you next week!

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