Catie Hogan’s V Special and Definitely Not Weird Holiday Gift Guide
The holiday shopping season has snuck upon us faster than Roy Moore spotting a pre-teen in an Alabama mall. If you’re on a tight budget but still want to give your loved ones meaningful gifts, I’ve got a few ideas for you. I also have several unique gifts to help you unleash your inner weirdo. Rest assured, you will not see any of these presents featured by Oprah or Gwyneth Paltrow. These are exclusively Catie Hogan approved:
Ideas for those of us who are giftin’ on a budget:
1. Personalized gifts on Etsy
Etsy has a huge selection of personalized gifts. Personalizing something always makes it feel more…what’s the word I’m looking for…oh, personal. I like shopping on Etsy because, for the most part, you’re supporting small businesses and you can get crafty shit you’ll never be able to create yourself.
You don’t have to buy a $100 bottle to find a good wine. I love both giving and receiving alcohol, just be sure booze is an appropriate gift for the person.
I love gifting books. I don’t actually know if people enjoy receiving them, but I don’t care. Find out what genre the person enjoys reading or give the gift of a story that means a lot to you. You don’t have to give hardcopies, paperbacks do just fine. Or if you know they enjoy audiobooks, give them an Audible gift membership. This suggestion is to be taken as a massive hint to my family and friends, please and thank you. (Editor's Note: Can we suggest this book?)
I love to play games and there are so many fun ones on the market right now.
This website ranks games from naughty to nice, family friendly to adults only, and by genre. It’s a cool guide to find the perfect game to give.
5. DIY Gift Baskets
I like this idea for close friends. I like to make DIY themed gift baskets. You could do a movie theme where you put movie tickets, popcorn, candy, etc. in a basket. Other themes can range from spa, sports, or sex toys. How hilarious would it be to put a sex toy gift basket under someone’s tree?
Gifts to give if you’re a truly bizarre human being:
The internet is so vast and spectacular you can find literally anything on here! While coming up with gift ideas, I found some insanely weird ones I want to share with y’all. Some are confusing, a few made me question everything, but all of them made me laugh.
1. Toe Separators
If you have a loved one with fucked up toes, consider buying them these toe separators I found on Amazon. It’s thoughtful and doesn’t at all indicate you have a foot fetish.
2. A Scarf That Smells Like Fried Pig
How about The Bacon Scarf? It smells like real bacon! Currently out of stock because people are actually buying this. I was surprised at first, but then I remembered what country I live in.
3. Smoking Mittens For All My Hipster Friends
Everyone vapes these days. Or if you’re gross and still smoke Marlboro Lights, be sure to keep your hands warm with these SMOKING MITTENS. Let me repeat that: SMOKING MITTENS.
Costumes for dogs are over. We’ve moved on to fake facial hair for dogs. All dogs NEED a fake mustache, don’t you even dare say they don’t.
5. A Fancy Phone Gadget From What I Assume is 1994
It’s all about being hands-free. Not only should your hands be free from committing sexual assault, but they shouldn’t be carrying your phone 24/7 either. Try this insanely attractive and convenient head device so you can literally attach your phone to your face. Gorgeous.
6. The Gift of Sexual Spice
If you and your lover are in a rut, perhaps purchasing a pair of Fundies will do the trick. Yes, these are underwear for TWO. By that I mean, two people, one pair of underwear. Because every time you get naked with a partner don’t you think, “Damn, I wish we were sharing underwear”?
7. Sugary Cereal Heaven
Need a gift for a sweet tooth? How about a 40 lbs. bag of Lucky Charms marshmallows!!! I don’t want this, I need it.
8. Wear Your Pet!
Now I know I have a lot of animal lovers in my life. I’m friends with several weird cat ladies. How about you honor your pussy by turning their shedded fur into a FUR WATCH!? It’s a watch made out of your dog or cat’s hair! My dog sheds so much I could make hundreds of these…and I just might!
9. Gifts For The Anxious
Have a stressed out single person in your life? How about a book to remind them why it sucks to be single!? Yay! Fun! This book will give them 100 reasons to panic about being single. This is real!
10. A Calendar for Your Racist Uncle
Did you ever just think, “Yes, I need KellyAnne Conway on a calendar”? Or maybe you’re unsure what to get your relative who supports both Ted Cruz and objectifying women? Boy, have I got the gift for you. The annual Great American Conservative Women Calendar! It’s free for students and $2 for everyone else. It’ll be so nice to scream into the void while you look at Ann Coulter’s January spread.
If you’re really in a pinch, just follow this sage advice from the hilarious SNL ladies.
Wow, I hope my super helpful suggestions make your holiday shopping easier! If you do follow my advice, I will not take responsibility for any angry family or friends.