The Top 10 Moments of Rachel’s Season of The Bachelorette
If your New Year’s resolution is to waste more time, then you’re in luck! A new love story, more romantic than a thousand fucking sunsets, is about to enter your living room and your heart. If only you’ll let it.
But like any good relationship that has ended, we need closure. Rachel's season disappointed anyone who had hoped that her taste in men had improved since she chased after Nick Viall (spoiler alert: it HADN'T). We as a nation are still reeling.
We must process what happened if we are ever to learn to love again. So in that spirit, I combed my memories of last season, and this is what fell out: the best, worst, and sort of meh moments of The Bachelorette: Season 13, in reverse order of occurrence (because the first few eps are always the most entertaining).
Let's get to it.
Lee gets called out
This wasn't a good moment so much as it was a moment. After having to endure several episodes of fascinating Lee and Kenny will-they-or-won’t-they drama (the question being “will Lee get an extremely warranted punch?”), it was kind of a shock that ABC aired footage of people calling Lee racist, considering that they were the ones who cast his racist ass.
It was incredibly satisfying to see Lee put in his place with nowhere to hide, but also incredibly maddening because it was manufactured drama that ABC knowingly created and subjected their cast to. That cast, of course, which included the first black Bachelorette and the most black suitors ever. Here's Anthony telling ABC to do better next time.
Peter has EMOTIONS
This show regularly traffics in HIGH DRAMA, but even I was shocked at this display.
Here we watch a man who joined a show solely centered on the activity of becoming engaged, who is now unsure if he wants to become engaged. He and Rachel discuss this predicament, and extremely suddenly Peter, who up until now had been the FRONT RUNNER, is leaving the show. Witness the ensuing aftermath:
In a great rush of feeling, Peter RIPS his sweater off and sobs into it, inconsolable over the incident that is occurring that is very much within his power to stop and in fact he set into motion. Like I said, DRAMA.
I'm still mad that they did this BEFORE the Fantasy Suites date, incidentally. #notcool
The Bachelorette surprises us all with two deep relationships (that developed offscreen)
It was truly a surprise to everyone that Adam and Matt made it as far as they did. i.e., that they were ever cast on the show. Despite Adam's eventual relationship with Paradise favorite Raven, his main contribution to Rachel's season was a doll of the same name that honestly got more screentime than him. Matt was nice and all, but....there's literally no way to end that sentence. He was nice and all.
At one point Adam made America scoff when he declared that he had the deepest relationship with Rachel, so it must have been quite a surprise to him when he was then immediately kicked off. Let that be a lesson to future suitors: remember to develop your feelings when there are cameras around!
Rachel dates Jack Stone
One-on-one dates are a fun chance to get to know someone better. That's not always a good thing, as Rachel discovered. Turns out that one-on-one dates are also a fun chance to get stuck with someone for a whole day whose very gaze makes your skin crawl. It was painfully awkward, and not in a fun way, but in an "oh God I'm worried about Rachel, don't leave her alone with that man!" kind of way.
It also left us with this image, which I'll never be able to scrub from my brain:
And when I think about the fact that Jack Stone got a one-on-one date and Alex DIDN'T.......
Alex wears clothes
SPEAKING of Alex, this was a big moment to me. Specifically, his presence on the show. His wardrobe consisted nearly entirely of outfits like the one below (you can see only a glimpse but believe me that the entire suit was that pattern), and somehow it wasn't really mentioned on the show!!? We got 5 long hours of Whabboooom drama and we're supposed to just pretend like THIS never happened?
Alex is a charming Instagram follow, managed to form bromances with most of the worthy bros on the show, and even a cursory glance at Twitter shows that women are INTO him. In a perfect world he would be the next Bachelor.
BUT THIS ISN'T A PERFECT WORLD.
Ellen gives the guys a side gig
Like an old school season of The Real World, ABC decided it was time to put the suitors to work. Excuse me, WERK.
I'm always a fan of seeing the female gaze exploited and celebrated, so this was a great moment for me. Also, Ellen does NOT hold back.
I would pay a subscription fee to watch Ellen insult the men every season.
The ladies come back!
I definitively prefer seasons of The Bachelor over The Bachelorette. When I first started watching this show I thought that wouldn't be the case, because things tend to run more smoothly when a woman is in charge. BUT, due to this show's relentless heteronormativity, whenever a woman is in charge, that means that there are dozens of guys we have to deal with.
With a Bachelor, we just get seas and seas of fun women. The brief return of Alexis, Jasmine, Corinne, and Raven reminded me of this fact, and was a welcome respite from the men that we were doomed to spend an entire season with.
Whaboom aka the drama that wasn’t
ABC tried to recreate their success with Chad and his many rivalries, with a "rivalry" that mostly consisted of two men's inability to control their drinking, and one man's vocabulary of exactly one word. I don't know what WHAAAABOOOOM means, but ABC was banking on the fact that I'd care. I did not.
"Better luck next time, old friend."
DeMario gets temporary amnesia
If you had slept with someone a few weeks ago, you probably wouldn't remember, right?
Quick, look in the mirror - are you DeMario? Because when confronted with his so-called girlfriend, he feigned ignorance and sputtered out "Whoooo's this?" It eventually came out that yes, maybe he remembered this woman, and yes, maybe she was his girlfriend, and yes, maybe he still had the keys to her apartment, but whose to say he's not ready for love?
Luckily, Rachel was having not even a little bit of it, and sent him packing. We all knew DeMario was lying, of course. I'm pretty sure you'd remember the face that was capable of making this expression:
Rachel tongues Bryan for the first time
But certainly not the last. This is the stuff of great romance, ladies and gentleman. Kissing so much that you never have to talk and get to know one another.
Rachel and Bryan are still together, incidentally.
See you soon!