The Bachelor: S21, Ep4

The Bachelor: S21, Ep4

It's time for another Bachelor recap! But first.

So it’s been a very depressing week, guys. Our narcissistic man-baby president is letting his worst racist, sexist and xenophobic tendencies run wild and we’re all getting screwed in the process.

This isn’t an article about that.

I truly believe in the power of escapist entertainment. It’s important not to get burned out, and that's hard to do when every new development is the worst news possible. It’s important to stay aware and engaged in the struggle, but it’s vital to take care of yourself and recharge in whatever way you need to. That's self care, and it's meaningul to anybody fighting the good fight. If you’re reading this, hopefully your self care is watching and then reading about The Bachelor.

In other words, we can stay woke, but it’s ok and necessary to take a break sometimes.

Ok. Back to The Bachelor.

Our episode opens on yet another summit on Corinne and her behavior. Everyone is upset with Corinne's various personal failings, but Astrid is the only person who makes any sense: “He likes her. And that’s why we’re all intimidated.” Corinne isn’t here for any of this, btw. She’s off taking a sweet victory lap in her sleep.

Elsewhere, Vanessa, who is still too good for Nick, tells Nick she’s not judging Corinne.....she’s judging Nick! Nick draws upon every ounce of wit he has to fashion this incredible retort:

“Like....I dunno.”

WHAT ISN’T THIS MAN MARRIED ALREADY!?

Vanessa’s one flaw (apart from questionable taste in men, which affects the women in this house at levels approaching 100%) may be that she appears to have a debilitating case of blurry mouth disease.

(No known cure)

(No known cure)

The two continue discussing Corinne (without Corinne present....RUDE), and I imagine at one point Nick just says to Vanessa: “Look she’s hot and watchable and the producers won’t let me cut her” but obviously that scene was edited out.

Contestant Chris shows up and announces: “It’s rose ceremony time!” Because Corinne is still sleeping, Sarah and Taylor show up to wake her, but really to talk about “how the bounce house situation unfolded.” 

Side note: I’ve never heard so many adults talk about a “bouncy house” with so much gravitas. Specifically, Corinne’s shameful actions within the walls of it. Which brings me to:

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!

You know who was ALSO in the bounce house? NICK. Nick was just as much of a participant. So why aren’t any of these women (except Vanessa) mad at him? WHY does the responsibility for the shameful actions in the bouncy house fall solely on Corinne's shoulders!?! Nick is 36 to Corinne’s 24 (information all the women know, btw). This is Ryan Lochte and “he's just a kid” all over agin. 

I believe Sarah is trying to be helpful and make sure Corinne doesn’t alienate herself from all the other women. I believe Taylor is trying to alienate Corinne from all the other women. Taylor talks about how all the other girls feel disrespected by Corinne’s actions.

“I’m not privileged in any way, shape or form.” Corinne says. WHITE FEMINISTS, amirite?! Taylor fairly points out that Corrine does has a nanny. Corrine is just all: “You do you, you do you, you go girl, you do you, Imma do me."

In another location, Corinne is being talked about some more! Raven describes her as: “super aggressive and has no remorse.” She’s making it sound like Corinne is some Jason Bourne figure, possibly created in a lab. Actually she SHOULD be in black ops, for real. I think she'd thrive there.

It’s the ROSE CEREMONY, btw. Before it can start, Contestant Chris, a real gossipy bitch, says to Nick: “We gotta talk about Corinne.” Nick stumbles his way through some more words. It’s unclear what he’s trying to say, but the context is clear: Corinne is hot and the producers won’t let me cut her.

(These women all look like they are going off to their execution)

(These women all look like they are going off to their execution)

TO RECAP! Rachel and Vanessa already have roses! The women being added to that illustrious circle are:

  • Raven
  • Taylor
  • Whitney
  • Kristina
  • Jasmine
  • Alexis (THANK GOD!)
  • Astrid
  • Danielle
  • Jaimi
  • Josephine
  • Sarah

ONE FINAL ROSE REMAINS. Also remaining are: Corinne, Christen and Brittany! All the women talk about how unfair it’d be if Corinne got the rose. So Corinne gets the rose! Duh! THAT'S the way these things work!

In between literally EVERY single rose that’s called, a video is inter-spliced of one of the women talking shit about Corinne. I just *can’t believe* that these women’s tactics of “Corinne is doing better than us, please cut her” didn’t work. So we have to say bye to Christen! I’ll miss hating the way your name is spelled and your hilarious facial reactions.

As the cut women leave (none of whom are more than 27, by the way), they talk about how they’ll just NEVER find love. Old crones, all.

Nick talks about how weirdly close all the women are, and how that means a lot to him. Corinne, of course, takes this opportunity to make a speech about love and togetherness and incomprehensibility that is engineered to be as rambling and infuriating to the other girls as possible. In full:

“Guys....hi. I’m so excited to be here and I’m so happy. I just feel like we’re all so privileged and honored to be here for you. And I feel like we should just take every day as .....just great, don’t let a moment go bye where you feel like you’re not going to be yourself. This is an amazing opportunity to find love, and I feel like we all deserve it, so cheers to that.”
("Is there anyone I forgot to alienate? No? Good.")

("Is there anyone I forgot to alienate? No? Good.")

This speech goes over about as well as one could expect, with each of the women trying to outdo the other with how annoyed they can look. 

THE DAY AFTER THE ROSE CEREMONY!

The women are sitting around and talking to each other in their daytime makeup, which in most cases is just a lot of mascara but no visible contouring.

Contestant Chris shows up to talk about how much pride the women should have that they’ve made the final 15. OK Chris. He’s established himself as an unreliable narrator time and time again, so what comes out of his mouth next is just further proof that we can’t trust a goddamn word he says:

“I have REALLY good news. Time to pack your bags. You’re about to start a journey with Nick that will literally take you around the globe. “  

Don’t freak out yet ladies.

“Ladies...all of you will be joining Nick in his hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.”

Oh.

The women do a semi good job of looking excited about going to Wisconsin, but what they are ACTUALLY excited about is getting to travel with their new best buds! It’s really sweet! Seriously, this never would have happened on The Bachelorette. Those guys were likes cats when they get super territorial and just piss on everything and also never wear shirts. In fact, the only true friendship I can recall from last season was Chad + The Drunken Canadian.

Side note: I actually think Milwaukee is a really fun town, but if someone promised me a trip that would “span the globe” and then informed me I was going to Wisconsin, I would riot.

After the girls travel (time that is handily shown with a quick fun-time montage), they settle in Waukuesha, Wisconsin, aka Nick’s hometown.

CUT TO! Nick’s parents (I presume) are here. His mom look so hip! She even has a cute little nose ring!

The three of them sit around a table and have a totally normal conversation about finding love on a TV show amongst 30 women. His parents are less charmed by this franchise then Nick sees to be:

His dad: "I think I speak for mom....we don’t want to see you on this show again."

Btw: Nick is nipping. Big time. It distracted me from the entire conversation, which was sort of a blessing and a curse.

Nick rejoins the herd of women and announces a ONE ON ONE with Danielle L. It’s so romantic to have to further identify which woman you want to spend time with with her last name's first initial.

Today’s magical one on one date involves Nick and Danielle (L.) walking around town and boring me (and presumably themselves).

("And over there is some more boring shit, if you can believe it.")

("And over there is some more boring shit, if you can believe it.")

WOW This is just so exciting. Strolling around a small boring town that Nick left for a reason. No wonder this show is on primetime.

They stop in a cookie shop where the local delicacy is a “Nickerdoodle.” That shop CAN’T be licensed to produce and sell under DOH. 

They are forced to decorate cookies and enjoy some awkward conversation. I hate these task based dates. Give me wine and glamour any day of the week.

(Don’t quit your day job guys (these suck))

(Don’t quit your day job guys (these suck))

I think the cameramen must have been clicker trained so that whenever they see tongues coming out they need to ZOOM IN with their shots, because these guys are ON IT.

Then Nick runs into a producer-orchestrated event HIS EX. What a total and surprising coincidence. Maybe she can come out and help Nick solidify his redemption narrative arc?

“So why do you think Nick’s still on the market night now?” Danielle L. gets right to it.

Her response: It’s because he LOVES TOO MUCH, or something. He’s “heart driven.” MOST PEOPLE ARE, Nick's ex. That’s generally one of the more important organs in one’s body.

Danielle L. is pretty chill and I like her more after this interaction. She says nice things about Nick’s ex and says she appreciates that he’s still on good terms with her. It’s very healthy! Later, the two of them go to THE soccer field where Nick allegedly lost his virginity, and if you can believe it - have some more stilted conversation.

“This is so nice.” Danielle L. lies through her teeth. They then move to a bar setting wherein Danielle wears a dress that truly defies gravity. 

(The editors were standing by with their censor button)

(The editors were standing by with their censor button)

“Do you have any obvious flaws?” Nick ACTUALLY asks. Marvelous conversation, Nick! Danielle mentions her parents divorce, which doesn’t seem exactly like HER fault.

Back at the HOUSE! The date card arrives! The datees will be:

  • Rachel
  • Alexis
  • Vanessa
  • Jasmine
  • Jaimi
  • Sarah
  • Whitney
  • Kristina
  • Astrid
  • Taylor
  • Josephine
  • Danielle M
  • Corinne

That means Raven gets the one on one date! She’s the ONLY one who's happy that Corinne is going on the group date.

BACK TO THE CURRENT DATE: Nick gives Danielle the rose. I think it’s just a ruse to hand it to her so she gets close enough to tongue kiss. But wait! There’s more good news for Danielle L.! Nick takes her to yet another concert. It’s some dude with higher hair than JORDAN, and he appears to sing entirely in the falsetto range.

Chris Lane? No clue. All I know about him is that apparently he’s a fisting top. Glad and happy he’s so open about it, but I didn’t buy tickets to this concert for a reason, and frankly I don’t like having to see it on my TV.

(But still, happy that he flags)

(But still, happy that he flags)

These two have to dance and make out while this guy sings and hundreds of people watch them. GREAT date. I reiterate: Give me a spa date with lots of champagne over this nonsense please.

In case you’re thinking that Nick has learned rhythm in this past week: HE HAS NOT.

Tomorrow’s date is on a working farm! Still would rather do this than hear Chris Lane while Nick Viall sticks his tongue as far as it will go down my throat. Also of COURSE Corinne was invited on a date where she’d have to work. Humidity high, barometer low, wind advisory in effect: Maximum drama conditions achieved.

“I’m nervous. We’re in Wisconsin.” Danielle M. says, and while there is more to that sentence that changes the meaning of it, I prefer it in this context. I’M SCARED, TOO GIRL!

Also Alexis has found the promotional photo for her Bravo show.

(Dear god, do I wish that I could make this happen)

(Dear god, do I wish that I could make this happen)

Corinne is interviewed: "I want to be in a spa being fed a nice taco. Preferably........chicken.” She actually takes the time to think about her answer so you know it's true.

It’s clear to everyone that Corinne is saying whatever she can/wants to for maximum effect. “Cows are ok.” She allows.

Nick shows up to say this: “Being from Wisconsin, I’m definitely more of a city boy. Still, Wisconsin still has it’s fair share of farms.”

NICK Wtf this doesn’t make any sense dude. Get your shit straight.

The women are then forced to take off their heels and do manual labor. Josephine manages to give a cow a small portion of hay and does a victory salute.

("I DID IT! I kept my pants clean!")

("I DID IT! I kept my pants clean!")

Corinne pops up again to ruminate on the nature of farm chores: “What the fuck are farm chores. I wouldn’t even make my nanny, Raquel, do farm chores. Raquel is better than farm chores. She works for ME.”

NEXT UP: Milking a cow.

(This is a real shot from this episode. This show is beyond profane.)

(This is a real shot from this episode. This show is beyond profane.)

Nick tries (and fails) to do it, and one of the farmer says: “I think some of the women are going to have to show him how it’s done.”

WTF what does this mean? It sounds both sexist and confounding. Do women just need to show men how to do chores? Or is it because they at least have 1/3 the amount of boobs a cow does? Either way it’s bizarre.

Jaimi takes over and does a great and competent job right away. Nick says “why am I not surprised?” I’m not sure if that is a joke about her being bisexual, or about Nick’s immense shame at failing at everything he does.

“How can this date get any less romantic?” Corrine asks, so OF COURSE the next part of the date is revealed: they have to shovel shit.

While shoveling a pile, Josephine hilariously says “I’m so happy I missed backstreet boys for this.” LOL. The women then talk to the camera about how they are pretending to like this to attract the attention of a man. Sounds healthy!

“Thank god I didn’t wear designer," is Corinne’s only concern. She wisely walks away from this and leaves the other women to shovel the metaphorical and literal shit themselves. The women aren’t that happy about her Irish exit, and Josephine, already on a verbal roll, says “there’s some shit floating in the air and I don’t think it’s the feces we just scooped.”

ONE OF AMERICA’s favorite shows, ladies and gentlemen.

I have mad respect for Corinne at this stage.

(And I just really like Astrid)

(And I just really like Astrid)

Later, the women are (presumably) allowed to shower and go to a second location, wherein Corinne narrates the great courage it took for the women to “shovel the poopy,” while she could not do it because of her “hand situation.” I previously was convinced that she was a lost Trump daughter, but now I just think she's a performance artist/genius.

Kristina steals Nick to go hold hands and talk about her miserable childhood. She says she’d love to tell him more about it, but that they don’t have time right now, but maybe on a later episode? CLEVER KRISTINA!

“I love watching you.” Nick says to Kristina. #numberonecreep

The rest of the women continue to fret about Corinne. Astrid, always the voice of reason in these situations, has had it up to here: “How many more group conversations can we have about Corinne?”

Corinne overhears them talking about her and loves the attention. “I’m smarter than I look. Do you call this immature?” She punctuates every word of that last sentence with her boobs. It’s at this point that I know for sure that Corinne is just a hilarious jester and we should all pray that she stays until the final episode.

She describes herself thus: “I’m a corn husk. You gotta peel the layers back. And then in the middle is this luxury yellow corn. With all these little pellets of information. And it’s juicy. Buttery. You WANT to get to that corn.”

I’m pretty sure she just forgot what she was PLANNING to say and remembered that she was super hungry.

Next, it’s Vanessa and Nick time. Vanessa’s students made him a very sweet book, which I’m almost positive is the first book he’s read in....a decade? Thinking I’m being overly mean, I google “Nick Viall’s favorite book.”

We find out that Andi’s book is NOT his favorite.

(It's NOT Nick's favorite book)

(It's NOT Nick's favorite book)

Although he also admits he hasn’t read it. So I really didn’t learn anything to dissuade me from my previous thought! I love it when my preconceived prejudices about men on this show are confirmed.

Meanwhile, Corinne decides to cunt-front the rest of the girls. Basically she’s all “if you have a problem with me, come talk to me.” Sarah asks if Corinne is genuinely ready to marry a 36 year old man, maturity wise. I mean....Nick’s not THE most mature. The bouncy house is yet again brought up, as are her outrageous naps.

Corinne is all “why do you guys care so much that I took a nap?” She then takes her query to the camera:

“I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking a napMichael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. And I’M in trouble for napping?”

She’s not wrong, you know.

The women move on to castigating Corinne for not shoveling shit, which on the scale of recent sins is less than the bouncy house, which in itself is a lesser sin than taking a nap.

Kristina tries some tough love with Corinne, and it goes like this.

MEANWHILE who do we find under the covers with Corinne? Josephine, naturally. Mack girl, mack.

“We’re fighting for a fiancé . Not a.... [thinks]......pickle.” Corinne says. You know the streets are just swarming with men, right? It’s incredibly easy to find a man. Go to any company's board room, go to Congress, find someone with a career in STEM! Men EVERYWHERE.

Corinne runs to Nick and rehashes the drama of the past 10 minutes, and we get the great joy of relieving it again. She claims they have put it all behind them.

“Do you feel like you guys are in a better place now?” Nick asks Corinne.

“*I* feel so much better.” Corinne says, which is not an answer but I suspect is the truth.

The date rose goes to Kristina, who was NOT expecting it. 

CUT TO

The next day is Raven and Nick’s one on one date! We are treated to a full day of Raven’s Arkansas accent. True story: I lived in Arkansas for 3 years, and Raven’s accent is one of the better ones.

Today’s date is another boring fest of walking around Nick’s boring old town. They go to meet his parents and watch his little sister’s soccer game. Those things are only interesting or meaningful when you LOVE the person you are with, btw. This is his and Raven’s FIRST date.

Bella, Nick’s little sister, challenges him to a game and easily scores on him. Better luck next time dude. Nick and Raven are then surrounded by the girls and and pelted with soccer balls, The Lottery style. That is NOT the first Shirley Jackson reference I’ve made in one of these recaps. It’s actually my 3rd.

Raven is then forced to meet Nick’s parents. Nick’s dad is all “what kind of name is Raven,” and etcs. The one sort of oddity that happens is that Raven asks Nick’s parents “did you have to spank him a lot?” Apparently that little do-gooder never got in trouble.

This family date is dragged out even longer when Nick insists on taking Raven roller skating with his sister and her tween friends.

“It’s been an amazing date” Nick says, lying worse than our president.

At the roller rink, a poor child is trapped and Nick and Raven do NOTHING.

("Actually, I'll just stay in here until you guys leave, thanks.")

("Actually, I'll just stay in here until you guys leave, thanks.")

Raven shows herself to be a tremendous sport by being sweet and up for anything, and she seems pretty genuine (or at least she possesses the ability to make me think she is, which for the purposes of the show is virtually the same thing).

We do learn that Nick's little sister wasn't allowed to watch Bachelor in Paradise. Good call, parents. I imagine Barron Hilton wasn't allowed to watch his sister's sex tape, either.

“It’s like out of a movie,” Raven says of their date. It may sound romantic, but there are MANY different genres of movie, don't forget.

Raven says she hopes Nick sees: “I’m more of just a roller skate partner. I’m a really good partner in life.” Good advice, and I truly believe she could expand that bit of wisdom into an advice empire. I've taken the liberty of mocking up a book cover:

(I might read it)

(I might read it)

The two of them show up to Milwaukee’s Art Museum, designed by bombastic architect Santiago Calatrava. This isn't revealed in the show, it's just part of my personal knowledge bank. Meanwhile, the other day I couldn't remember how old I am.

They then take a fun stroll down memory lane and discuss that time Raven’s boyfriend cheated on her. Word on the street is that she walked in on them in flagrante delicto. Raven puts it slightly less eloquently: “I know what her vagina looks like.”

This story involves her kicking open a locked door “spider monkey fast,” followed by her beating her naked boyfriend with the stiletto of the woman he was just recently thrusting on top of. It’s actually quite a story!

Later these two are allowed to run amok inside what they should be reminded is still an ART MUSEUM.

Raven tells the camera that she’s falling in love with Nick. WOWZA GIRL.

Back at the house, it’s dates and drinks time. Nick gets up to orate about what a fun week they’ve had, with such dates in it. Corinne rolls her eyes and looks directly at the camera. I literally LOL (LLOL)

(LOL)

(LOL)

Danielle L. steals Nick for a second, which infuriates the other women because she ALREADY HAS A ROSE. The first time I watched this scene, I was convinced Danielle was about to tell Nick that she was leaving! Instead it’s just more nonsense about connections and feelings and journeys and television contracts.

Taylor, who seems to just love talking shit about other women, decides to take a stand against tyranny and go interrupt Danielle L. and Nick. She has to stand by awkwardly until Danielle L. finishes her random Bachelor word generator sentence.

Elsewhere, Josephine and Corinne have some girl-on-girl bonding, and Josephine points out that while many girls talk shit about Corinne behind her back, she doesn’t really talk shit about other girls behind their back. She shivs them in the front, which is something Josephine can RESPECT.

("I love you." "I know.")

("I love you." "I know.")

Josephine is REALLY egging Corinne on to go and get into it with Taylor. Corinne, naturally, takes her up on the suggestion.

“I’m not going to be fake to you.” Corinne promises Taylor. Literally NO sentence that has ever started with those words went on to end reasonably.

Taylor uses her psychology degree as a shield to be a bitch to Corinne, and Corinne is all “as if.”

Corinne delivers a pretty ace insult: “I really think that you feel like you think you are superior in certain ways, and I *don’t* feel like you should feel that way.” She then ends the episode with her soliloquy to the camera: “I can’t even. I literally can’t even.”

We get a TO BE CONTINUED! The narrator promises that either Taylor or Corinne is going home next week. See ya Taylor!

The end credits scene is a GREAT one, mainly because Alexis is involved. Check out this incredible exchange:

Nick: Are you afraid of ghosts?
Alexis: Kind of.
Nick: Really.
Alexis: My two biggest fears are Nicholas Cage the actor -
Nick: What?
Alexis: Did you ever see Face off?
Nick: Oh my god. He literally just -
Alexis: I know. And then -
Nick: Ghosts.
Alexis: No. Aliens.
(FANTASTIC JOB Michael Friedman)

(FANTASTIC JOB Michael Friedman)

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

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