Teen Wolf: Episode 7 & 8 - Heartless/Blitzkrieg

Teen Wolf: Episode 7 & 8 - Heartless/Blitzkrieg

We’ve all learned a lot since November, haven’t we? Well, way down there on the list of things I’VE learned is “don’t agree to recap TV shows,” because apparently I can’t sustain the kind of momentum this job requires. If this trajectory continues, then by the time we get to the end of the season, I’ll just do a paragraph to cover, like, the last four episodes. But, then, this also ranks pretty far down there on the list of bad things that have happened since November, so I’m not going to worry about it too much.

 

It’s already 6:52 on Monday night, and I want to be asleep by 8:00, so this is going to be a no-delete “recap”/bulleted list of things I remember about the last two episodes of Teen Wolf.

  • Theo is still a dick, but now he’s a dick who’s spent several months having a recurring nightmare that he wakes up in a morgue drawer, crawls out of the drawer, and is hunted down by his dead, torn-up-ribcage sister who tears out his heart. Since he murdered his sister for her heart and had the Dread Doctors transplant it into him in order to turn him into a chimeric pseudo-werewolf, it’s hard to feel THAT bad for him.

  • Mr. Douglas is actually a literal Nazi as well as a werebeast who is part-wolf/part-lion. He spent a few decades in a Dread Doctor holding-tank absorbing Wild-Hunt infused Dread Doctor fluid/unspecified powers and eats people’s pineal glands . . . for kicks? But also because it gives him their powers? I dunno, when he kills and de-pineal glands a member of the Wild Hunt that seems to be the explanation but it doesn’t really track for the janitor and the carbon dioxide thief. Anyway, I said all along he was evil, not that you really needed a graduate degree in foreshadowing to spot that one. It’s kind of hilarious that he’s literally a Nazi. Nazi name: Hoffman. Like, why bother with the “Mr. Douglas” thing? It’s not like “Hoffman” is a name that’s gonna raise a bunch of eyebrows. Also hilarious: scenes of “Nazis” speaking English with comically inconsistent german accents. I am firmly of the opinion that if your characters are diegetically supposed to be speaking language A but are actually speaking a language B because your viewers speak language B and your actors DON’T speak language A just forgo the accents because that is dumb, but I guess Jeff Davis feels differently.

  • I was wrong about the reanimatrix, though, in that she’s not actually evil. But I guess I was right, too, because she’s literally the reanimated specter of Stylinski’s dead wife who he conjured in the same way as the Banshee from Canaan conjured her son. This is tidy in that meeting the Banshee’s ghost helped Lydia figure out the reanimatrix, but less tidy in that I thought being a Banshee was what allowed the Banshee from Canaan to conjur her dead son. Anyway, Stylinski conjured her to fill the void left when Stiles disappeared. When he finally remembers Stiles, the reanimatrix re-de-animates.

  • Liam and Hayden have a lot of bad plans. Their romance is boring and I still don’t care about either of them.

  • Mason and Corey are SO DEAR. I hope we see them both on the other side of the rift. Duh, we totally will. Also, I guess Mason finally answered the whole “IS HE STILL THE BEAST” question when he said to Corey “[seeing you when you are invisible] is my only power.”

  • Something something lightning, catch a ghost rider in a box, everyone hates this plan but no one has a better one.

  • Peter Hale secretly cares about his daughter (Malia. Malia is his daughter)! Awwwww. But if I understand correctly, the Ghost Rider whips send people to the Ghost Rider train station, but Ghost Rider bullets just plain kill people? That seemed to be the implication when Scott said the riders weren’t trying to take him and Malia, they were trying to kill them. So I guess now that Peter has been turned to good by love of family, he’s died for it. He was kind of right about self preservation all along!

  • Here’s the bullet point where I explain the plot: The wolfpack catch a ghost rider with some reluctant help from Theo, but then they aren’t sure what to do with him, because he won’t/can’t talk. Mason remembers the party and thinks that the Ghost Rider who came there may have been trying to talk to Parrish, so they call him in. The Ghost Rider does talk to him, but he also seems to /order/ Parrish to turn into a hellhound and free him, which Parrish attempts to do. The wolfpack drag Parrish out of the building, and while they are wrestling/dealing with him, Mr.Douglas/Hoffman shows up, beats on Theo, eats the Ghost Rider’s face/pineal gland, and takes his whip. Then he uses the whip to disappear Corey, which he says he’s “been waiting a long time to do,” but I think he just means he’s been aiming to do it to someone. No one has any trouble remembering Corey. Meanwhile Malia tries to get Peter to show her where he came through from the Ghost Rider Train Station, and then the Ghost Riders come through and Peter distracts them while Malia runs. The Ghost Riders take Mason, and then they take Hayden, and Liam and Scott and Lydia come up with a plan that Scott will get through the rift somehow, and then bite Stiles to turn him, and then they can both escape (even if severely burned) and then Stiles can help them figure out how to save everyone else. This is, they all agree, a terrible plan. Stylinski remembers Stiles and . . . wants to help them? Mr. Douglas/Hoffman tracks JR Bourne and Scott’s mom, and threatens them until they agree to help him find Parrish; Mr. Douglas/Hoffman ends up whipping both JR and Melissa off the the Ghost Rider Train Station, and subduing Parrish with his pineal-gland-supplied Ghost Rider Powers. When the wolfpack go to find the rift, they find Mr. Douglas/Hoffman, with Parrish in his thrall. Parrish is able to open the rift for Mr. D; the ghost riders come out, I guess to see who’s tampering with their hell gate, and attack the wolf pack. Peter Hale comes to rescue them/Malia and gets killed, but they get away. The end.

  • There’s a lot of talk about how the Wild Hunt has taken “everyone else”, but it’s not clear if that means “literally the entire population of Beacon Hills minus the main characters of this show” or “the other supernaturally empowered beings who are series regulars.”

  • Stiles’ real name is “Michislav,” which is adorbs, but finding this out is no real compensation for Dylan O’Brian still not being in either episode.

Enjoy the show tonight and come back next week to find out how I manage to lower the recapping bar EVEN FURTHER.

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