The Bachelor: S21, Ep 3

The Bachelor: S21, Ep 3

Welcome back to your fantasy, America! Congratulations - you’ve done this to yourself.

I’d like to start with some warm words from a reviewer on Amazon, Gabriela, who had this incredible thing to say about this season:

Love Nick. Very respectful of the other women, and you can tell that he's intelligent and considerate.

It sounds quite far-fetched that anyone truly believes this, but a quick review of her profile reveals Gabriela loves EVERYTHING, not just Nick, so in this spirit of absurdity, let’s get right into proceedings, shall we?

We quickly recap last episode. Liz’s tryst with Nick is of course discussed, which, if you were involved in some sort of traumatic brain injury over the last week, will certainly jog your memory. For the rest of us unlucky souls, we get a rehashing of the secret that the narrator promises was “impossible to keep.” It was actually incredibly EASY to keep! Liz didn’t reveal all under duress after hours of questioning from a trained law enforcement professional. Christen just happened to look in her direction and Liz said “eh, good enough.”

So now it’s already the next day in Bachelor-land, and the women are in an absolute frenzy while discussing Liz’s shocking exit. Nick shows up to waste over two minutes of my valuable time telling the women a story we’ve heard no less than 7 dozen times. The women are shocked, for some incredibly unclear reason. He’s in his mid 30s - did they really think he was a virgin? Also didn’t he bone previous contestants?

Nick finally says goodbye to all that re: Liz and encourages all the women to grill him mercilessly about his decision and also about all the hot sex he’s been having in the past year. “I’m an open book,” he promises, and though he doesn’t specify WHICH book, I took the liberty of finding the one to which he’s specifically referring:

He proceeds to get interrogated by all the women, who then all collectively grieve and discuss the shocking events of knowing that Nick boned a woman before them. This show is so absurd, and allow me to transcribe the following conversation as a means of highlighting that fact.

Elizabeth: But moving forward, in this situation, if anything happens here, I don’t know how I’m going to feel.

Astrid: Like if he slept with someone?

Elizabeth: BEFORE the fantasy suite.

Astrid (nodding in agreement): Before the fantasy suite.

("I'm old fashioned. Thou shalt only bang in a fantasy suite. Amen.")

("I'm old fashioned. Thou shalt only bang in a fantasy suite. Amen.")

WHAT THE FUCK. Fantasy suites are not some collectively agreed upon “no rules/no laws” event in our country where neither actions nor intentions count! I couldn’t cheat on my boyfriend and then be like “dude, it was a fantasy suite! No harm, no foul!"

CUT TO!

Some people are just naturally born with the gift of eloquent speech, and Corinne is definitely one of those people: “I don’t have a problem with Liz going home, especially now that I know she had intercourse with Nick before me.” And then later! “So tonight I’m going to do something to one up everyone around me.” That thing is wearing a jacket over some underwear, and it’s clear by how long it’s taking Corinne to put on her jacket that she’s pretty drunk. But that doesn’t stop her confidence!

("Ta-DA!")

("Ta-DA!")

“I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm.”

CUT TO!

Nick, basically the Carmen Sandiego of our time, notices something is up: “Is this a dress or a coat?”

“It’s part of a plan,” Corinne says, by way of not really answering the question.

That PLAN, of course, is to become fluid bonded by the sharing of whipped cream on each other’s persons. Corinne sprays it into Nick’s mouth, and then into her mouth, and then on her cleavage. It’s disgusting and I can’t believe any conservative can watch this show with a clean conscience.

“I don’t think I can handle any more whip cream.” Nick finally relents.

While this is going on, the rest of the women hold their first of many Corinne-summits. Up first, a symposium on “What Was Corinne Wearing,” followed by a Plenary Speaker: “Can You Believe What This Chick is Doing Right Now!?”

My boyfriend and I have a full 5 minute conversation on Corinnes vs. Chads, how women and men are socialized to flirt, as well as the villain trope. 

Back to the show: Corinne and Nick's actions cause a full on freak out among the other women. Someone is even crying! Jasmine comes to interrupt, quickly assesses what’s going on, and wisely turns the other way. Nick calls her back, at which point Jasmine completes her stealing of Nick for a second. If The Bachelor were a game of chess, think of “stealing someone for a second” as something akin to a knight's move.

The loss of Nick’s attention sends Corinne weeping into a bathroom, where she is comforted by Lacey. Lacey is doing a pretty good job of being (or at least acting) concerned, despite Corinne being hated by most of the women.

“That conversation was so bad for our relationship.” Corinne wails. That conversation being Nick licking whipped cream off her body.

Later! It's the rose ceremony!

Corinne, like a baller, is all “peace, I’ve got a rose, so I’m going to catch up on my ZZZzzzzs.” It’s a great and hilarious move and it’s the most I’ve ever liked Corinne. Dream on, you crazy angel baby.

(But without Raquel, who will wake her?!)

(But without Raquel, who will wake her?!)

At the ROSE CEREMONY, after Corinne's absence is noted and entered into the official minutes, things proceed as following:

  • Astrid
  • Taylor
  • Whitney (I do NOT remember her from the previous two eps, are they pulling a prank??)
  • Kristina
  • Danielle L
  • Rachel
  • Vanessa
  • Raven
  • Jaimi
  • Dominique
  • Sarah
  • Alexis
  • Brittany
  • Josephine
  • Jasmine (final rose)

Going home:

  • Lacey
  • Hailey (I had her pegged as going a lot further, good thing I updated my Bachelor fantasy league)
  • Elizabeth

The women leave, much crying is done, and the sun sets and rises again on this accursed scene.

Contestant Chris shows up the next day to promise the girls that they’ve outdone themselves with this date! In fact, it’s going to blow their minds! First of all CHRIS - keep expectations low. These women cannot handle any shock because their nerves are too jangled after Nick-Liz-Sexgate. Second of all - a little cocky, right? Let ME tell you if you’ve planned a good date.

Alexis, and the rest of us, really, get the pleasure of her reading the date card:

  • Danielle L
  • Christen
  • Kristina
  • Whitney
  • Taylor
  • Jasmine
  • Corinne

The women all have unusual reactions to being selected for the date.

The card just reads “Everybody!” The women are flummoxed, but they don’t have to wonder long, because the Honest to God Backstreet Boys show up. Complete with original lineup!

The women freak out, and the Backstreet Boys divulge that they’ve recently committed a FELONY! They’ve kidnapped Nick, and in order to ever see him again the previously announced women have to go on their group date to TAKE him back.  

("TAKEN 4: You Can Have Him" - out in March)

("TAKEN 4: You Can Have Him" - out in March)

The only advice The BS Boys will give is “No heels,” which coincidentally happens to be MY life motto.

Yet another potential couple arrives on the scene. Josephine should be the next Bachelor, she seems to have more game with the women than Nick does.

(Noice)

(Noice)

But there’s no time for me to continue dreaming about this alternate reality, because soon enough the women are carted to their big date with Nick and the BS Boys! The challenge, because there always has to be some sort of challenge with this show, is that they have to dance, and whoever has the best chemistry with Nick *gets to* be invited on stage to dance with Nick alone while the BS Boys serenade them. That, like any challenge that results in spending additional time with Nick, would be one I would actively try to lose.

I begin to see why Nick was likely so irritating on previous seasons, as he jokes about his very real and annoying jealousy as three of the women grind up on Nick Carter.  I didn’t even have to google Nick Carter’s name, btw. I REMEMBER THE 90s.

Side note: can you believe they formed in 1993? Truly their Wikipedia page is a very interesting read.

Nick notes the women who are doing well: Jasmine and Danielle, specifically.  Corinne is slightly less graceful. “I have very bad short term memory,” Corinne explains.

Nick takes a break from dancing to be a catty bitch to Corinne: “Feeling better, Sleeping Beauty?”

Corinne complains to the camera: “All my confidence is rubbed off on everybody else. Now I’m being left behind.” She realizes that confidence is not an airborne pathogen, right?

Corinne becomes so upset by her lack of dancing skills and Nick’s subsequent and resultant lack of attention that she rushes out of the room in tears. She must have some super power that makes all the women hate her, but STILL be willing to comfort her, which Whitney quickly demonstrates.

Soon enough, the concert is here! If I were a paying customer of this concert, I would be PREEETTY pissed that my show was overtaken by Nick and his dancing harem, “The Backstreet Girls." The women all do pretty well, especially Jasmine, who is a professional cheerleader in her real life.

The one person who does NOT do a good job is Nick, but raise your hand if you’re surprised that Nick has no rhythm.

(That is a disco finger)

(That is a disco finger)

Danielle ‘wins’ the prize! But we all lose because we have to watch this:

ALSO they are ruining their BEST song with this nonsense. I would straight up ask for my money back, plus damages for emotional and visual pain.

As all dates on this show dictate evening drinks, the ladies and Nick head towards evening drinks. Corinne and Whitney seem to have something going on as they stroll hand in hand. Into this too!

Corinne says: “I want to always be the center of Nick’s attention.”

GIRL even if you married him that wouldn't be the case. Do you really want to be the center of someone’s attention, 24/7? That sounds exhausting and smothering. People, even those in relationships, have other interests upon which they occasionally direct their attention.

Corinne steals Nick first, of course, and she proceeds to rail against the tyranny of “planned dancing.” 

I’ll say it now: the only reason Nick is on this show is because he has a full head of hair.

(What other reason could there be?!)

(What other reason could there be?!)

Anyway, Corinne apologizes for not being at the rose ceremony (which I absolutely think she should NOT have apologized for). Nick asks if the other girls were upset, she said they weren’t, CUT TO the other girls talking about how rude it was, capped off with Jasmine saying “I’m sick of talking about Corinne!” The world keeps spinning.

Jasmine, who previously stated how sick she was of talking about Corinne, asks “where is Corinne? No offense.” HA! Just her whereabouts are offensive, apparently. (Corinne is sleeping, again, fyi.)

“It sounds crazy at this point, but I can see myself falling in love with you.” Danielle says to Nick. You’re right, Danielle. That DOES sound crazy!

More tongue kissing. More awkward dancing. Nick full on grabs Danielle's butt. It's gross, I promise you.

(I SEE YOU, NICK)

(I SEE YOU, NICK)

Back at the house, the one-on-one date prophecy is revealed! It’s Vanessa!

“You make me feel like I’m floating” the card reads. All the girls guess the date will be on a hot air balloon, but I think it’ll be a deadly game of “light as a feather, stiff as a board.” 

Dominique begins disintegrating over her inability to land a date. "This is not dating. This is waiting. I’m tired of waiting.” Trust me girl. I’ve been on ALL the dates thus far and I can promise you’d be sick of dating too.

Back to Corinne, who naturally is chastising all the other girls for not informing her that her nipple was out and about.

("THIS is my nipple. Now you know.")

("THIS is my nipple. Now you know.")

“I want to get a boob job, but like a tiny one.” Corinne confides.

“Me too,” someone off screen agrees. “Maybe after I have kids and stuff.”

Corinne takes this opportunity to reveal that, not only can she not handle a baby, she can barely handle herself, which is why she has RAQUEL. I have been looking forward to Raquel’s revelation all season, tbh!

“Raquel is my nanny,” Corinne announces, without shame. The rest of the women are flummoxed, particularly after verifying that it’s a) a nanny FOR Corinne, not for a child Corinne might have, and b) Corinne's age, which is 24.

Jasmine: Do you have kids?

Corinne: No. I am a kid.

Corinne assures us that Raquel keeps her life together. Among her list of duties:

  • Making sure her bed is made every morning
  • Making her cucumber and vegetable slices
  • Making lemon salad while knowing exactly how much oil, lemon and garlic salt she likes
  • Waking her in the morning
  • And the most important role: she makes cheese pasta.

“I have tried SO many times to make cheese pasta!” Corinne laments in frustration. “And you know what, it makes her happy, and I’m not going to stop a woman’s happiness.” 

Ok, so there are literally only two scenarios here: Corinne is a fantastic actress, or Corinne is a terrible person. Let's vote! Also! Here we have two women discussing a third women. Bechdel test passed!

Jasmine is quickly becoming this episode’s MVP, if only because of the fantastic reaction shots she’s providing. Truly she is this episode’s last episode’s Christen.

(See?!)

(See?!)

Later, Jasmine regroups with Danielle in the girl's bathroom to confirm: “Yes, you just heard this crazy shit, right?” 

Because there would have been literal riots in the mansion had he given Corinne the rose, Nick shows up and gives the rose to Danielle instead.

The next day! It’s Vanessa and Nick’s solo date! They are not riding in a hot air balloon, rather they are enjoying a “weightless experience” flight, which actually sounds awful! I read Chris Hadfield’s book and apparently the first few days of weightlessness you just feel straight up awful and nauseated. But how is that different from being on a date with Nick?! SUBORBITAL BURN!!!

(They were never heard from again)

(They were never heard from again)

“I don’t know if anyone’s ever kissed while floating in space.” Nick breezily daydreams.

“That’s not space.” My boyfriend, a scientist, chimes in, rather heatedly.

The two float around, kiss, and it looks sort of fun.

(SORT of fun)

(SORT of fun)

“It couldn’t be going any better.” Nick, having never heard of dramatic irony, says. CUT TO! Vanessa is nauseous from the plane’s up and down movements! As Chris Hadfield predicted!

Vanessa pukes a bunch, and Nick is a pretty good gentleman about it, meaning he assures her he’s not grossed out and he rubs her feet while she retches. That’s pretty nice!

What is NOT NICE is that they are then shown kissing. You know what we are not shown? A scene of Vanessa brushing her teeth. This disgusting exchanged is then exchanged:

This is the kind of thing decent people do in private, not on tv. For the record.

But back at the mansion, the NEXT date is revealed. Josephine, naturally, uses this opportunity to mack on a chick. I may sound like I’m over-sexualizing female friendships, but I’m just a wanderer in the desert, searching for a drop to drink. Also - what else would I over-sexualize? I’m grossed out by all the relentless heterosexuality on this show.

(Noice)

(Noice)

The date lineup is:

  • Rachel
  • Alexis
  • Astrid
  • Jaimi
  • Sarah
  • Brittany
  • Dominque

“I’m done playing the field” the card reads.

Speaking of! Back to the date! Having conquered the sky (or “space” as Nick calls it), Nick and Vanessa are not ready to come back down to earth just yet, so they have dinner atop the tallest tower in LA. This seems like a nice date! Keep this in mind for the NEXT date, which seems decidedly less luxurious.

The two of them make some convo, and Vanessa reveals that she likes that Nick is a mama's boy. I don't know Nick’s mom, but I bet she’d be pretty supportive of him getting with Vanessa. She seems mom-friendly. They talk some more, Nick tears up, they seem like they have a good “connection.”

(He's not a good enough actor to fake this)

(He's not a good enough actor to fake this)

Side note: you won’t find me making fun of Nick for crying. I actually think it’s great - men should feel free to cry as much as women, which on this show is A LOT. The patriarchy sucks for men and women, and telling a man not to feel is not feminist. I WILL, however, make fun of Nick for literally anything else.

Of course Nick offers Vanessa the rose. As I said when they first laid eyes upon the other, there seems to be a good spark between the two of them. I can see into the human heart, deep within the right cusp of the aortic valve, where the spark is traditionally housed.

The next day brings the next date! And it sucks! It’s just running around doing track and field nonsense. While Brittany seems very pumped to run around and do physical exercise, it doesn’t sound like the sexiest or most enjoyable date to me. To this date Nick brings a few of his “friends:” Olympians Allyson Felix, Carl Lewis, Michelle Carter. Carl Lewis announces that the women are forced to do a “Nickathalon.”

("Sorry ladies. Yes I KNOW some dates have champagne and a helicopter. The Backstreet Boys aren't even here. It sucks. Sorry.")

("Sorry ladies. Yes I KNOW some dates have champagne and a helicopter. The Backstreet Boys aren't even here. It sucks. Sorry.")

Michelle Carter (or rather a bad screenwriter) says: “Let’s see who's going for the gold today! The gold....is Nick’s heart.”

I swear to god, the women actually let out a collective “ahhhhhhh!” when she says "Nick's heart."

Jaimi says: "Astrid should have definitely worn 3 sports bras." This, of course, comes with supporting footage of that claim.

The women are forced to participate in events, each more humiliating than the last. First is the “Limo Long Jump.” During this event, Rachel says to the camera: “Let me tell you. I would love to TRACK and field Nick all day.” Rachel! That’s so suggestive and yet I’m not even sure WHAT you are suggesting!

The next event is “Jumping into Nick’s arms,” followed by a javelin throw straight into a big red heart.

(I miss JoJo)

(I miss JoJo)

While this is going on, Dominique continues to freak out about her place in the competition. Meanwhile, the competition wraps up with Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid running in a race of who can reach a giant engagement ring first. The winner of this heat gets to spend time with Nick in the hot tub, and MUCH is made of the fact that the temp of the water is 94 degrees.

(I require all information about these dates, so thank you editors)

(I require all information about these dates, so thank you editors)

Astrid wins. But does she?

(I mean, I guess I like champagne)

(I mean, I guess I like champagne)

For some reason that remains a mystery to all but Nick Viall and the location scout, the evening portion of the date takes place at an antiques store.

Nick steals Astrid, and this causes Dominique to continue her downward spiral. There exists a gross stereotype that women are bitchier to each other and cattier than men are, but considering that every time a woman has cried on this episode, including CORINNE, another woman has taken her aside and comforted her, I’d say the evidence is not in support of that theory. This time it’s Rachel, who take Dominique to the bathroom to cry in privacy.

Rachel tries to give Dominique some good advice about just relaxing and trying to be yourself, regardless of what Nick is doing. Sarah, also being very sweet, tries to comfort her as well, but Dominique just continues to spiral.

In another universe, Alexis unravels the canvas of Nick and hilariously lays on it while kissing the real Nick.

(Understandably, she seems more into the picture)

(Understandably, she seems more into the picture)

Later Rachel and Nick flirt and kiss, and Dominique is stalking in the background, sniffling and saying “it’s not fair.” She feels like Nick is not giving her a fair chance, because today she was not herself. She finally decides to cunt-front Nick on why he didn’t come up to her today and say "hey, why do you seem like you're so in your head?" That’s a pretty tall, and specific, order for someone who doesn't know you.

It’s always great to start a relationship with recriminations and blame-placing, so I wholeheartedly support Dominique's strategy. Unfortunately, Nick just feels attacked by Dominique's accusations that he doesn’t know her better. He actually handles it pretty well, taking everything she’s saying seriously and sending her home in a pretty compassionate way. “My heart just doesn’t feel it,” he tells her, which is the type of sentence people use with near strangers ONLY on The Bachelor/ette.

He comes back to tell the other women that he had to put Dominique down sent her to a farm, and gives the rose to Rachel. A welcome surprise!

Contestant Chris shows up to pull this hilarious switcheroo: “Nick knows how he’s feeling, so we’re not having a cocktail party. .......we’re having a pool party!” This “twist” was just as good when they did it last year. I can’t wait to see next year’s iteration.

Alexis does some quick math in her head: “17 girls. 1 pool. 1 nick. Let’s see what happens”  GET THIS GIRL HER OWN BRAVO SHOW!

(She could travel the world and mislabel dolphins!)

(She could travel the world and mislabel dolphins!)

The women discuss how horny they all are, and right on cue, Nick arrives! “This is a pool party! Why aren’t you naked?” Some women offscreen demands to know.

Raven takes it upon herself to shield Nick’s body from the sun, and if it involves rubbing sunscreen on his abs, then by god she’ll do it!

(You know if Corinne were doing this the women would be furious.)

(You know if Corinne were doing this the women would be furious.)

Corinne bitches to the camera: “These girls are all trying real hard. And it’s definitely a little desperate. Maybe a lot desperate.” Ok - remember when Corinne mentioned that she has very bad short term memory? I’m beginning to believe her after statements like that, which follow on the heels of WhippedCreamPalooza. After complaining about how desperate all the girls are, she lures Nick into a bouncy castle and straddles him, while Nick narrates about how he just loves “fun.”

("Fun fun fun fun fun!")

("Fun fun fun fun fun!")

The other women stand around and watch this, growing increasingly more grossed out and perturbed. Later, Corinne and Nick part and Corinne goes off to nap.

While Corinne dozes, Raven drops one of her patented truth bombs: “I think you are making a huge mistake with one of the girls.” She then reveals to Nick that Corinne has a nanny.

Vanessa, who looks just gorgeous, says she’s so fed up with Nick’s antics with Corinne that she doesn't even want to be here right now. “I’m not judging Corinne. I’m judging YOUR actions.” OH SNAP Vanessa!

(Vanessa you are SO pretty! Have you considered a life with Rachel instead?)

(Vanessa you are SO pretty! Have you considered a life with Rachel instead?)

NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELOR: Corinne, Corinne, Corinne, Corinne.

Our credits scene is a very animated Josephine doing a jazzy little number about why Nick should pick her for a one-on-one date.

(SORT OF OK job, Elan Gale)

(SORT OF OK job, Elan Gale)

(DECENT job Zero Gravity Corporation and Jacuzzi Hot Tubs)

(DECENT job Zero Gravity Corporation and Jacuzzi Hot Tubs)

See you next week!

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