A Love Letter to an NFL Referee
The NFL playoffs have begun and I want to take a minute to tell you about my football crush. You may assume I’m a simple girl who falls for handsome quarterbacks, and you would be right to an extent. But this crush is different. This is an infatuation with a man who is an enforcer, a whistle-blower, and the subject of much scrutiny. Much to your surprise, my crush doesn’t actually play football. Nay, he officiates it. I’m in love with a referee and I’ve been obsessing over him for more than a decade.
His name? Edward G. Hochuli.
Let me tell you about my man, Ed. I’m not into objectifying people, but holy hell he is a true work of art. A sculpture by Michelangelo himself. Did God use you as a prototype for perfection, Ed? His chest muscles and biceps transform him into a sexy zebra. His deep voice over the stadium intercom make me melt faster than an ice cube in a hot cup of coffee. Does he know when he throws his yellow flag to call pass interference, he’s also interfering with my heart?
Because I am not a normal person, I once read Ed’s entire Wikipedia page. The likely inaccurate information further solidified my love for him. He played college football. He’s a partner in a law firm. Ummm hello brilliant beautiful specimen. He’s also a dedicated family man, married with six kids. He has 10 grandchildren.
Alright, I know what you’re thinking. Grandchildren? He may be nearly 40 years my senior, but the human heart doesn’t know age. Or I guess medically speaking it does, but that’s not the fucking point. What’s the male equivalent of a cougar? A bobcat? He’s a 66 year old bobcat who I would climb mountains with and for.
For a long time, I thought I was the only one noticing Ed’s chiseled jaw and forearms every Sunday, but I was oblivious to the cult following ‘Hochules’ has built since his NFL officiating debut in 1990. Men and women alike are weak in the knees watching Ed make his ‘roughing the passer’ motion on their television screens. There are thousands of us who would love the opportunity to sack Ed. What a terrible football pun. In fact, it was famed announcer and former New York Giants great, Phil Simms, who originally pointed out how divine Hochuli’s physical attributes are. The world took notice. I was a naive teenager, he was my Mrs. Robinson.
I think Ed has continued to keep me interested all these years because he is not perfect. He in has blown many a call. He’s tested my patience, but alas, I cannot quit him. Just when I think he can do no wrong, he brings me back down to earth with a botched fumble recovery.
Ed, if you’re reading this, I know we haven’t always agreed on your nonsense calls against the Patriots. But my schoolgirl love for you is unconditional. You are a true hero, working Monday through Friday as some sort of defense lawyer, and then guard the integrity of a sport which causes irreversible brain damage to it’s participants on the weekends. Where do you find the time to keep that body beach ready? How have you remained hardworking, family-oriented, and built like a God damn clydesdale for decades? I thank you for your continued dedication to bicep curls. You are truly defying age. I shall continue to admire you from afar.
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