The Bachelor: S21, Ep 2

The Bachelor: S21, Ep 2

Previously! Nick Viall lived 36 years, but was it really living? He did previously have carnal relations with Liz, but in case you forget that fact, don’t worry. You will be reminded no less than 38 times before our time together is through.

Also, you’ll be pleased to remember that Corrine is still here, in case you were worried you’d just dreamed her.

I would also like to point out that it’s hard to imagine one show in which someone like Rachel and someone like Corrine are both contestants, but ABC has done it again! Elsewhere, Hailey says that all she thinks about is “Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick.” Somewhere, some internet genius is auto-tuning that to say “Dick Dick Dick Dick Dick.” #shero

But no time to get the song stuck in our head! A First Date Card is here, as read by Josephine, who has continued her long tradition of ridiculous tops.

(How does this even stay up? It's against the physical laws of this world.)

(How does this even stay up? It's against the physical laws of this world.)

  • Corrine
  • Vanessa
  • Sara
  • Alexis
  • Hailey
  • Lacey
  • Britany
  • Jasmine
  • Raven
  • Danielle L
  • Taylor
  • Elizabeth W

Josephine reads the card aloud: “Always a bridesmaid dot dot dot.” I’m fairly certain Nick actually wrote “dot dot dot” out, for the record. Corrine is excited about the date, but in her dream world?

In my dream world, today I’d actually be marrying Nick.” Wow. That one paid off quickly. Set healthy boundaries, etc.

So, as previously mentioned, one of my favorite reality shows is Real World Road Rules Challenge. And, of course, I love the interpersonal drama more than the interpersonal physical stunts. So I ask: why can’t The Bachelor be the same? I’d love to watch friendships develop between the girls and since women’s sexuality is generally more open (the patriarchy hurts men too), maybe we’d also get some love matches I could actually get behind? We have to keep apace of Australia.

Anyway, now that that’s on the record, we return to the women on their way to their group date! They are driving in three matching convertibles, and I love that they make the women drive themselves. You gotta work for love!

Suddenly Nick arrives! I’m trying to muster up enough excitement to just write that sentence, so I’m having a hard time understanding why these women are losing their damn minds over the prospect of spending time with him.

“I feel so lucky to have met 30 women.” Nick enthuses. As he’s been on two previous seasons of the Bachelorette, shouldn’t that be 32 WOMEN, Nick? Busted!

He goes on: “I’m as confident as I’ve ever been that this entire experience will end with me falling in love with someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.” Keep this quotation in mind, as I will be harkening back to it later.

So the group date challenge (another thing that Nick reveals he’s bad at) is to take wedding photos under various conceits. Side note: the photographer is dressed incredibly in the best outfit I’ve yet seen on this show.

Some of the women are specific brides, like shotgun wedding bride, romantic bride, and post-Industrial Revolution bride. The women who are not assigned specific tropes are bridesmaids! The bridesmaids are just thrilled to be participants.

With all the contestants getting their hair and makeup done, for a second I feel like I’m watching ANTM, a show I actually watch for fun. But while that show is gloriously centered around one woman and her insatiable egomania (RIP TYRA ANTM), this show is centered around one dude and his insatiable mediocrity.

I will say that Alexis really leans into her Shotgun Wedding outfit. What a fun broad!

(But also what a terrible role model)

(But also what a terrible role model)

Elsewhere, Corrine is in confessional mode: “Nick was the first person I’ve kissed,” she says to Hailey which a) cannot possibly be true and b) was obviously said to stir up shit and cause jealousy. The only problem? This was Hailey’s reaction:

Hailey so happy

She’s happy for her! Good job! Sisterhood and all! In fact, she actually says: “That’s so cute.” 

It IS, however, really getting to Taylor. Tell it to my heart, girl.

Corrine is in the midst of her “I’m going to win because I am wearing the least amount of clothing” victory tour, when who should walk in but Brittany?! Wearing ONLY underwear and some long hair to cover her boobs. Corrine can barely contain her jealousy.

Hailey, she of apparently zero jealousy, is so sweet and supportive to Brittany. “Girl, you have a good body!” I find displays of female support, particularly in an environment that is engineered to produce the opposite effect, very edifying. It’s like in Jurassic Park when they discover that life finds a way, despite the overwhelming odds.

“I will literally punch her in the face.” Corrine says, and I’m not sure who she is threatening. At this point, I’d like to make a bet for WHATEVER amount of money and say that Corrine has absolutely described herself as “classy” at some point in her life.

The women all go through the photo shoot with all the class and dignity of their future real redding.

(So many treasured memories)

(So many treasured memories)

While the shoots are going on, the rest of the women have to watch them, synch up their menstrual cycles, and enter their rutting stage. Jasmine G., not pleased with her bridesmaid status, kisses Nick. Then most of the other women kiss him. There's SO much kissing. Nick at least has enough decency to look embarrassed.

I’m sure it’s not a coincidence that Corrine is being forced to wait and go last, while watching the rest of the girls kiss Nick, growing more jealous and more full of mimosa with each passing minute.

The photographer is trying to set the mood in various hilarious ways.

“I know you from before time.” He whispers breathily, like a Lisa Frank binder come to life, while he shoots a romantic wedding scene with Taylor and Nick. Can we PLEASE draft him as narrator and host, at minimum, if not the next Bachelor?

Back at the house, the women are talking about Corrine kissing Nick. Josephine states with confidence that Corrine is the first person to kiss Nick! Liz, who fucking loves having a secret and I bet also cannot fucking keep it, smirks. Kristina notices the smirk because it’s literally right next to her and says “did you kiss him?”

Liz, super fucking smug, says “I didn’t kiss him last night.”   

“I didn’t kiss him last night. I kissed him 9 months ago.” Liz says to the camera, which is a great introduction to me telling you that I'll be live-tweeting some of my thoughts during next week's episode!

In case you’ve forgotten this super fucking basic and easy to follow story from just a week ago, Liz is here to remind us YET AGAIN that she slept with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Wow. This is a new Romeo and Juliet story, surely. Only probably this one will stand the test of time even more. Future 6th graders will be forced to read the tale of Nick and Liz.

Then I’m forced to see this:

But so are you! So we are alike in our pain. This is so sexy weird and uncomfortable!

For the bravery of showing her boobs, all the girls give Brittany a standing ovation. All, naturally, except Corrine, who, not to be outdone, takes her bikini top off on her shoot and presses her bare breasts against Nick’s.

THIS act of bravery does NOT go over as well with the girls as Brittany’s incredible show of courage did earlier.

Hailey, who you will remember from last week as the woman who proudly declared her total commitment to not wearing panties, is particularly scandalized. Then Corrine and Nick “Janet Jackson it,” which is a verb I’ve never heard before but I’m sure you’ll agree is quite evocative.

Corrine, again displaying a strange idea of what bravery means, says “I didn’t just go into this photoshoot with no clothes, I actually was daring enough to have clothes and take them off.”  

(Awarded for acts of heroic bravery and courage)

(Awarded for acts of heroic bravery and courage)

The photographer gets to choose the winner, and of course it’s Corrine.

Allow me to detour for a second: As I'm SURE you know, the mom in Flowers in the Attic is named Corrine. The original movie (which is not great tbh) features Corrine wearing a wedding dress and I’m getting serious deja vu.

(I'm confident we'll get a similar scene later this season)

(I'm confident we'll get a similar scene later this season)

So Corrine “wins” the chance to take more wedding photos with Nick. We also discover that she’s pretty drunk! And a bit of a romantic:

“No one has ever held my boobs like that. No one ever will.” She says, putting the emphasis on so many strange parts of that sentence.

The group then goes to a quiet locale to mingle and drink. Nearly immediately, Corrine steals Nick and takes him off to a kissin' corner, while the other girls talk about the incredible scandal of going topless by choice rather than dictum.

“Do you think maybe he likes that?” Brittany hilariously asks.

Back to Corrine and Nick, he tells her: “I’ve been really impressed by you so far.” I’m beginning to see why he has such a bad reputation!

“It’s not even fair how amazing he is.” One of the women says to another, who enthusiastically agrees.

Have these women MET other dudes?

“He’s Prince Charming.” Corrine says confidently. If by Prince Charming you mean someone who breaks into your room and kisses you while you’re trying to sleep, I would believe that!

“That’s one of the most romantic things. Like, getting naked.” Corrine says, apropos of nothing. Raven is NOT amused.

“Is everything bad that I’ve heard true about him?” Raven wonders to herself. Generally if everyone is saying something bad about a person, it MIGHT be true! But Raven is very trusting.

(I also really love her 90s style makeup which makes her look like an extra from The Craft)

(I also really love her 90s style makeup which makes her look like an extra from The Craft)

This date is NOTHING but Nick taking each of the girls off to a private corner to tongue kiss them. I’ve worked actual kissing booths and kissed less in one night.

I’m sure you’ll agree that the FUNNEST part of any date is always the awkward getting to know you questions, so I’m super glad we get to watch that a dozen times. Although! Raven does reveal a scandalous story about walking in on her (now ex) boyfriend with another girl.

“What did you learn from that?” Nick asks.

“To knock first.” Raven says IN MY FANTASIES. Instead she does not say that, and instead asks him: “Are you a ‘no regrets’ type person?” She says this with a hint of danger. I’m sort of excited to see what she’s got planned for him down the road! Nick is here for Raven’s honesty, incidentally.

Back at the house, it’s a momentous occasion, because a new Date Card is here! And it’s a big one, because it’s the one-on-one date.

Liz uses it as YET ANOTHER opportunity to bring up her one woman play, “Nick and I Boned at Jade and Tanner’s Wedding.” She hopes she gets the one-on-one date because of this!

Instead, the one-on-one date goes to Danielle M.

“Our relationship is about to take off” the card reads. Another date where they take off their clothes?! I KID I KID. That’s always going to be an aviation pun.

Back at the date! Nick is with Alexis. She was a dolphin/shark, then she was a pregnant bride. She’s lived a thousand lives, so now he wants to get to know the real her. “I’m from Seacacus, New Jersey” is ALL she’s able to get out of her mouth before Corrine shows up to interrupt. Alexis actually takes it pretty well but Nick looks uncomfortable.

("Oh well....back in the shark tank I go.")

("Oh well....back in the shark tank I go.")

Corrine brought him a shot, naturally. She tries to talk shit about the other girls and how they are all waiting to talk to him, and Nick, to his (small) credit, defends them and notes the general awkwardness of this setup. Later, in front of the girls, Corrine sheds her skin and reveals her true villain mode form. Instead of just butting into dates, taking off her top, and boldly kissing Nick, she now aggressively addresses the other women.

“Guys, if you can’t handle being interrupted, why did you come here? Why are you here? Get used to it.” Her speech is made more powerful by her drunken slurring. “Cheers, bitches.”

God these episodes are so fucking long.

Nick is then chatting with Taylor, trying to probe her psychology degree, and I swear he’s about to ask her a specific question about himself. But then Corrine interrupts again. She MIGHT be so drunk she actually doesn’t remember talking to him before. She asks if she can steal Nick and he COULD say no. But he doesn’t. Taylor takes this as a personal affront, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’m fairly certain Corrine can’t even distinguish between the women at this point.

But! Taylor decides to fight back and re-interrupt them! This, inexplicably, pisses Corrine off.

“She RE-interrupted me,” Corrine says with the gravity of someone accusing another person of a war crime. “Which obviously is very rude,” Corrine continues, without an ounce of irony.

“There’s a way to got about things. The way I go about things is very classy.” Corrine says. SEE I TOLD YOU! #classy. Also I am 99% positive she’s a missing Trump daughter.

“If you take a direct hit at Corrine, I’m going to say something.” Corrine says. It’s unusual to refer to yourself in both the third person and first person in just one sentence, but Corrine did it! What an interesting phenomenon that merits more psychological investigation. Unfortunately, the only professional is busy with Nick right now.

Corrine, of course, cunt-fronts Taylor about the “re-interruption,” and it makes almost no sense, almost surely because these two are actually arguing about how much they hate each other and because at least one is very drunk.

“It’s going to get uncomfortable. It’s going to get crazy. It’s going to get weird.” Corrine lectures the rest of the women, who are not terribly receptive to her message of Corrine-acceptance.

Vanessa is not here for it. “I hope Nick doesn’t give her a rose.”

He gives Corrine the rose. Remember when I pointed out that it’s difficult to believe Nick when he says that he’s serious about finding his wife? This is exactly why. It’s hard to root for him to find love when he gives the rose to the drunkest girl who spent the most time sticking her tongue in his mouth.

For all her bravado, she seems pretty surprised to have gotten the rose.

(Her actual reaction!)

(Her actual reaction!)

I’m sure the producers have some input on this decision, and after giving her the rose Nick leaves as quickly as he can. Corrine, in her drunk confessional, says the following nearly unbelievable things:

“Today was a just dream come true. I stepped out of my comfort zone many different times and angles. Dad would be proud. Even though I was naked. He would be proud.” I’m curious to see these angles she’s talking about.

The rest of the women are not exactly thrilled with Nick’s decision, although Alexis looks very bemused at the whole situation. She’s the MVP of this episode if we’re judging solely on who I’d most like to get a drink with, her inability to distinguish between marine animals notwithstanding.

(Marry ME, Alexis!)

(Marry ME, Alexis!)

“If Nick likes someone who is leading with their sexuality, no wonder it’s his fourth time. That’s really mean, but it’s true.” Raven says. I wonder if Nick would like this particular nugget of honesty.

We get more time with Corrine in her natural state: drinking champagne and talking about herself, which does nothing to add to the plot and gives us no new information. THIS is why this fucking show is so goddamn long.

One a bright note, Lacey, who is a certified sweetheart, seems genuinely happy that Danielle M got the 1-on-1 date

CUT TO!

Nick and Danielle M flying in a helicopter over the Santa Monica pier. They land on a yacht, where we quickly learn that Nick does not know how to pour champagne.

(What the fuck is this, Nick?)

(What the fuck is this, Nick?)

They are both from Wisconsin, so they eat cheese.

BUT, back at the mansion! DRAMA is being served up for lunch! Do you remember that Liz has been carrying around a secret? No? Really? Not from just about 10 minutes ago? Well she is, and it’s sexy, and she’s cutting fruit while, hilariously, someone is sleeping in the background.

(??????)

(??????)

Some genius on Twitter that I am now unable to find and properly attribute pointed out the lasting damage done to the flamingo by last year's Corrine, Chad, but I’m also concerned at what ELSE they are reusing from previous seasons.

(Like, for instance, the water. There is no way they drain it between seasons)

(Like, for instance, the water. There is no way they drain it between seasons)

Liz has cornered Christen into listening to her talk about herself.

“Mom, I’m unapologetically myself,” Liz claims she said to her mom. She, as predicted, waits not even a full day to tell someone her shocking secret that she’s been telling millions of people so far. That she had PREMARITAL SEX. With Nick. Christen, whose name is spelled SUPER incorrectly, reacts to it with surprise. Again, this goes on for many more minutes than it needed to. This show could be only half an hour long, easy.

Danielle M and Nick’s date continues to a dinner, where Nick gives her his whole story, which could easily have been taken care of with a short montage he really should have had the foresight to prepare.

Danielle M tells her story, which compared to Nick’s tale of being on reality TV, is very real and affecting. She was engaged, but her fiancé died of an overdose, and she was the one who found him. She didn’t even know he was an addict.

“Not only do I not think less of you...” Nick begins as a way of reassuring her.

WTF NICK why would you think LESS of her?

He mansplains to her some about her relationship, and I’m too distracted by the new knowledge that Google docs recognizes mansplains as an accepted word to pay attention to what happens next! How delightful!

Nick gives Danielle M her rose. She accepts it, and I want to remind her she doesn’t HAVE TO! She could leave very easily. This is one of the few times in your life that a helicopter will literally be standing by.

They walk away and have this inexplicable convo:

Danielle M: “I love ferris wheels!”

Nick: “You mentioned that before.”

(And now I HATE them!)

(And now I HATE them!)

Back at the house, Liz is BACK with about the 65th iteration of her talking about her past boning of Nick in the past.

This drama is interrupted by the arrival of the date card! Participating in this next day will be:

  • Christen
  • Josephine
  • Astrid
  • Jamie
  • Kristina
  • Liz

The next day dawns, and the women are SO excited about seeing Nick. Serious question: do they dose the water with some sort of aphrodisiac/etc.?  Because these girls are all in HEAT and I have a feeling any guy would do.

Astrid grabs Josephine’s butt while on the date, and I love how not much is made of it! Except I’ll be making a ton of it in my heart.

(Pictured LtoR: Josephine, Astrid, one unnecessary person)

(Pictured LtoR: Josephine, Astrid, one unnecessary person)

Today’s date takes place at the probably fake “Museum of Broken Hearts.” Sure. Nick has donated a ring and a dried out rose. Wow, what a philanthropist.

The women and Nick amble around the museum, but in the middle of this fascinating scene of people looking at things, an entirely real fight is going on! How dramatic!

This show must turn a tremendous profit, because they have clearly spent no money on professional actors to pretend to be breaking up in the “Museum of Broken Hearts.” At one point the ring is thrown to the ground and Kristina hilariously retrieves it and tries to return it while the actors are fighting.

Of course, today’s challenge involves all the girls breaking up with Nick. The other group date was all about wedding photography. Dude knows there are OTHER phases of relationships, right?

Meanwhile, Liz does her best to talk to Nick and Nick does his best to be awkward and avoid her.

(Liz and Nick are actually in conversation in this shot)

(Liz and Nick are actually in conversation in this shot)

Nick, in comparison to Liz, describes his relationship with Liz as “a little bit of history,” so he at least is slightly more discreet.

The women then go through the motions of getting to say what they’d really LIKE to say to Nick if they weren’t trying to win this reality show for some reason. Kristina, a dental hygienist, gets to say the sexiest utterance of the episode so far: “I care about you, I care about your oral health.”

Josephine, as predicted, goes full out and slaps the shit out of him, then spins a tale of “how many bottles will I have to pick up before you realize you’re losing me?” I don’t believe in physical violence, but Nick seems fine with it. Josephine is hilarious and she manages to confirm everything I guessed about her during her intro video.

(This will almost certainly be the last thing Nick sees right before he dies)

(This will almost certainly be the last thing Nick sees right before he dies)

I will note that Nick is not quick enough to keep up with these improvised scenes.

Liz is next and Nick is real uncomfortable. *I* am uncomfortable as Liz pulls a notepad out and tells a shocking, yet boring, story about their previous meeting and subsequent boning.

Nick does.......not take it well. Christen does her best to look like a human emoji.

Meanwhile, another potential couple makes a play for my heart.

(INTO this)

(INTO this)

Later, the group goes to an empty nightclub. “I’m living my nightmare,” Nick says, and he’s talking about Liz’s speech, but truly they could isolate that quotation and use it for absolutely anyone in literally any situation on this show.

Nick asks Jaimi “what’s the most interesting relationship you’ve ever been in?” This is a question that is almost certainly fed to him by a producer, because the answer is:

“I’ve dated a girl.”

Nick, OF COURSE, is flummoxed and unable to act cool about it.

Nick Dumb Face

“No shame in my game,” she says. Now THAT is a sexy secret! Take notes, Liz.

Nick, after gently probing all the women to see if they know about him and Liz, is finally satisfied that none of the women know about him and Liz.

“Now I feel like I can finally relax.” Nick says, and then of course Christen comes out with her SECRET. That she knows Liz’s SECRET.

Despite it sounding like Christen is being a bitch for revealing this, she actually makes Liz seem like she’s more reasonable than she really is.

Nick questions if Liz wants to get to know him, or if she’s using their relationship to just be on TV, which is a rich accusation from someone who is on his 4th TV show.

Nick finally puts us all out of our misery of waiting for he and Liz to discuss their “meeting” and drags us into an entirely new misery of Nick and Liz talking about them having sex. To be fair, it feels like Liz has talked to everyone about their encounter EXCEPT Nick, so it was only a matter of time.

Liz proceeds to then be outsmarted by Nick Viall, and she can’t really answer the simple question of why she didn’t just contact him after their “encounter” rather than come on the show to meet him.

This is her eloquent response, as she runs through every excuse she can think of and tries them all on for size:

“Right, but I knew you had stuff going on but that’s also I’m not the type of person I really enjoy I don’t like necessarily phone conversations like if already have an established relationship with someone.”

WELL OK. You know, I wouldn’t want MY awkward conversations broadcast to millions of people, but that’s the reason (and the ONLY reason) I don’t go on these shows.

“The more I talk to Liz, the less she makes sense,” Nick, making the most sense he’s ever made, says.

("Fuck, are you buying this? Just a few more weeks and I can get on Bachelor in Paradise myself!")

("Fuck, are you buying this? Just a few more weeks and I can get on Bachelor in Paradise myself!")

Back at the coven, Christen reveals that she knows a secret but can’t reveal that secret. Astrid, rather hilariously, says “ok, well that’s not specific. Can you specify?”

Back at the Museum of Broken Jade and Tanner’s Wedding Experiences, Nick drops the hammer:

“I just don’t think we have a future.”

OUCH. Ice cold.

Liz did not expect that. But she’s wearing a romper, so she should really have been ready for anything.

So with that, Liz and Liz’s story (I think of them as twins) are gone from our lives.

Then Nick must go back and confess all to the rest of the women. The women are SHOCKED at the very idea that Nick has ever had sex before. And then the episode closes. To be continued, whether you like it or not.

We close with a truly delightful credits-vignette of Alexis. “It’s a really important night for me,” she tells Nick, with her New Jersey accent in full force. “So I got my boobs done a year ago.” And of course she brings out birthday cupcakes for her birthday boobs! They sing a snippet of Happy Birthday, and Alexis says: “They’re only one years old.”

(Well done, David Albrecht!)

(Well done, David Albrecht!)

See you next week!

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