The Bachelorette....Episode 6!
Well, well, well. Episode 6. I knew you were coming, and yet your joyous arrival has signaled a whole slew of emotions I wasn’t prepared for. Lola continues to Lola, Harris continues to Harris.
Speaking of, an interesting new development has arisen: Harris is now watching the episodes. Or rather, he’s coinciding his “sitting on the couch and playing with his phone” time with my Bachelorette-watching time. Either way, we’re both looking for love. Within the first few minutes of the episode he asks me what JoJo’s profession is and I say ‘bon vivant,” naturally, because she’s always dressing for the job she wants.
Some things I see in the opening scenes: flowers, a horse, TWO horses. MANY COWS. If that’s not riveting tv....
Off to Buenos Aires! Where JoJo’s first action is to pet a strange dog. It will be the least gross thing she puts her hands on this episode, unfortunately.
Contestant Chris is the first on the scene! He asks if he can join her. The answer is........yes!
They chitchat about love. Contestant Chris tries to hold his jealousy in check as she talks about where she’s at with the other guys. She does use Chris's name a lot, ie. she’s feeling very strongly for him. But is it love? Only time will tell!
Ever the cad, JoJo wonders if she might fall in love with two guys, as Ben did!
“The irony would be pretty thick." Chris smarms. Lay off, buddy. Do producers even vet these contestants??
Back at the house, Robby announces to anyone who’ll listen to his talking head segment that he misses JoJo like the deserts miss the rain.
On cue, a card arrives with the grave fates of the remaining men. There shall be three dates: a group date, a one-on-one date, and the dreaded two-on-one date. The men take this about as well as they would a protein shake shortage.
It’s very important for some reason to announce that the boys are staying at the 5-star Plaza Hotel. I’m not sure why that knowledge is necessary to the narrative thread of this episode, but I guess I do take some comfort in knowing that they are staying in the finest accommodations money can buy.
Wells wants the 1-on-1 because he’s the only guy who hasn't had one! Always looking for a handout, these white men. What ever happened to working for what you want?
Alex is looking scruffy and cute, but I must and shall resist.
The person who gets the 1-on-1 date is WELLS! “Talk about a pity date,” I’m sure Alex is thinking.
Wells then reveals the darkest secret one could reveal on this show:
“I’m the one guy who hasn’t kissed her.”
Upon hearing this, Jordan giggles and says “Nobody knew that.”
The guys all laugh and poke fun at Wells for not kissing her. What a long way we’ve come from little boys making fun of people for kissing girls! This is the face of progress.
Also all the guys are making fun of Wells for not kissing a girl they’ve all swapped spit with? Right? Right??!!? And we’re all good with that as a viewing audience and as a nation??
Cut to getting ready for the big date! Wells is in his leather jacket but is not seen putting on chapstick, aka is he ready to smooch yet? This is what we in the biz call narrative tension.
The guys start gossiping as soon as Wells is out the door.
“Awkward!” Alex announces while he stuffs his mouth with bonbons.
“Did you see how nervous he was?” Chase gossips as he fluffs the pillows on his fainting couch.
The guys all give advice on how Wells ought to be kissing JoJo. Again - this is a scenario we all think is normal, re: the process of finding love?!
On to the date! Wells and JoJo are wandering around a little market. He buys her a piece of jewelry (in place of a smooch....or as a precursor?). Upon my observation, Wells doesn’t actually seem to find JoJo as charming as the whole world does, which is utterly bizarre to me.
Luckily Harris has his head screwed on right, and he thinks JoJo is very charming and complains about all the men ganging up on Wells. LOL. How quaint. You didn’t even weather Hurricane Evan or enjoy the Spoils of Meteorological Event Chad! What know ye of watching The Bachelorette?
JoJo also points out that she is aware of the fact that they haven’t kissed. And she ain’t waiting much longer! So naturally she takes Wells to see a Fuerza Bruta show!
According to Wells, the perfect opportunity to kiss JoJo for the first time is NOT when 4 people are suspended above them with almost no clothing. Ok, Wells. I’d love to hear your ideas about what romance is because it’s easy to be a critic but it’s hard to CREATE romance.
A guy who is more goatee than man arrives and says he’s going to train them in whatever it is that’s going on: Wells and JoJo must act and twirl and walk on a treadmill. This also involves them suiting up while Wells continues to talk about when he’ll kiss JoJo.
I can’t help but wonder what Chad would have been like on this date of acting and dance and movement.
Yet again, Wells continues to wax rhapsodic about kissing JoJo while continuing to not kiss her, despite her offering him her cheek. She is doing everything short of paying him to kiss her and Wells still isn't getting it. Here’s a free tip, Wells! Playing hard to get is NOT the way to JoJo’s heart or mouth.
Wells is wearing tights so let’s just say he might be worried about popping a boner, if you know what I mean, wink wink wink.
JoJo says “I feel like we’re in the perfect situation to have our first kiss,” which I’m sure is literally any situation with lips present, to JoJo.
BUT finally, after eons have passed, countries have formed and disbanded, stars have been born and died, and Spidermans have been rebooted and rebooted yet again, Wells finally leans over and kisses JoJo on her lips. Luckily the camera is pulled away more than normal so I can’t count the strands of saliva between them, but they kiss a bit and I’m pretty sure JoJo slips him the tongue.
“That was the moment Wells!” JoJo exclaims after they pull apart. HA!!! JoJo knows how to call it like she sees it. God I love her, she deserves just the best man of all time. Is Idris Elba available to swoop in at the last moment?
Wells emerges from his smooch baptism as a new man: “This is day one. This is me stepping out of the limo.”
And also a romantic: “I feel a little tingle in my heart.”
Then it's dinner! Where they gab some more, they rap, they shoot the shit. JoJo gets right to the point and holds Wells’ feet to the fire about his ex. To continue the metaphor, it’s so hot that Wells removes his jacket!
Wells talks about how his last relationship ended: “At the end it seemed like we were just best friends living together.” The date rose is shown ominously like a little romantic grenade!
Back at the Bitch Palace, the lineup for the next group date is revealed: Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex
Chase and Derreck get the 2-on-1 date. Chase says “there’s nothing Derrick has on me.” OoooOooo is he talking blackmail? THAT would be a good twist.
Chase’s true colors are starting to show, or so it seems! He’s always appeared very laid back and vanilla, some may say TOO laid back in that I can barely discern any personality. But now shades of it are floating to the surface, and they all involve jealousy and beating the Derricks of the world.
Back at the date! Wells and JoJo appear to be vibing. They talk about the nature of passion and Wells's ex. There’s mournful piano music playing in the background so I feel like I should be sad, but this all seems like very reasonable first date conversation.
However! Wells look anxious.
JoJo says she hears a lot of skepticism in Wells voice when he talks about love. This is the KISS OF DEATH. JoJo is many things, but she is not a cynic.
With a flourish she brandishes the rose and says “I really do respect the way that you’ve approached this whole thing. I feel like we’ve built a friendship.”
RUN Wells! That ain’t good.
“Today I had to face the reality that you are an incredible human being." JoJo says.
Oh wait....YAY! Good job Wells!
“I don’t know if you’re the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.” She finishes.
Oh shit. Sorry, dude, I misread that one.
JoJo starts crying! “I’m sorry!”
Wells handles it pretty well, considering he just got dumped on tv.
Harris pipes up: “I feel like he doesn’t really want to be there.” This show has got its hooks into him!!
JoJo recognizes that her first kiss with Wells was........HER LAST. Wow. Tristan and Isolde anyone?
They part in a classy way. Wells says goodbye.
“Bye JoJo” are the saddest words in the English language! You couldn’t pay me to be Wells unless the salary was pretty high and there were good benefits with a flexible work schedule and good work/life balance!!
The PA of Doom enters to grab Wells’s luggage while the rest of the men are like “ooooooooooo snap!”
JoJo is shown wandering around Buenos Aires looking fabulous and feeling emotions. She goes to a nightclub by herself, watching everything in slow motion. It’s supposed to be meaningful and symbolic, but it’s just sort of weird because it’s a shitty club with young people dancing with light sticks.
Did I just out myself as a baby boomer?
Up next, The Bachelorette: Post Wells! I sometimes forgot he was in the show, so I just know it as: The Bachelorette.
The next day, the 5 men picked for the group date join JoJo and her deconstructed sweater. Alex bounds to her like a puppy and she says “I’m glad someone showed a little effort!" aka positive reinforcement training.
“It’s so good to see you guys!” JoJo exclaims.
Serious question! Have we explored the option of just letting JoJo marry all these guys, sister wives style? I’m SERIOUS! She’s too much woman for any one dude to handle, she has so much to give, and her libidinal needs are too great for any one man! She’s not going to find a husband in this group of dudes.....but she might find seven!
Apparently, so does James Taylor: “Look at these guys. They’re perfect.” His new plot point is that his confidence is starting to slip.
JoJo must have overheard my nightly prayers with God, because she tells a street vendor, while gesturing at all the men around her: “These are my boyfriends! All of them!”
I literally LOL. Again, WHY CAN’T THIS BE REALITY?
“I don’t see myself as this sexy dude,” James Taylor says. Somewhere, Chad is turning over in his grave (if he’s died since last week - I’ll get my fact checkers on that).
JoJo continues to gather material for her memoir: “How Tiring is it to be Charming 24/7, The JoJo Story.”
The men play soccer! JoJo “accidentally” knocks into Jordan and exclaims: “Wow, you’re stomach is so hard!” JoJo!!!!!
James Taylor goes on and on and on about how perfect the other guys are while he is a literally a pile of human cells with no ambitions either professionally or to cellularly divide.
The men engage in a penalty shot. The prize? Only the grandest prize of all! A kiss from JoJo!
Robby tries to bribe the goalie. You can tell this dude grew up around money and casual thieving. James Taylor, on the other hand, is amused: “That’s actually kind of funny.” He has nothing but positive things to say about the dudes! While I guess that’s a nice quality in a partner, it makes for some ho-hum television watching.
But James Taylor does end up winning the penalty shot and a smooch!
“I’m not the sexy dude in the house.” James Taylor says by way of celebrating his victory.
So, to recap:
Sexy Dudes: Alex, Luke, Alex, Robby
Not Sexy Dudes: James Taylor
During the commercial break there's a preview for Bridget Jones’ Baby and it occurs to me that it would be a fantastic plot for the next season of the Bachelorette, if kisses could get you pregnant (I don’t know - do people actually bone on this show!?!? Is that what I have to look forward to!? This show is so profane I wouldn't put anything past it.)
Truly JoJo seems meant to be surrounded by tons of admiring men at all times. Allow me to reiterate for any Bachelorette producers who happen to be reading this: I’d be happy if they ended the season here with a 5 to 7-way proposal.
James Taylor lists off all the front runners, who are apparently everyone but him.
Later, JoJo is shown making out with Luke, who is shown looking brooding. JoJo looks a little tipsy. I would watch a show where she just gets drunks and tells me about what she thinks is cute and who she wants to make out with.
She makes conversation with Luke, but you can tell she’s just filling time between smooches.
Luke is all “I’m feeling feelings!” And JoJo’s face is all “yeah, let’s make out! I just sent Wells home for not kissing me enough or did you learn nothing?!”
Harris just asked if I like Luke, and I am reluctant to admit that I kind of do! He seems like much less of a douche than I took him for in the first episode. He appears to be nice and genuine and not like a macho douchebag. And I guess it’s fine that he grew up in a small town. To be deadly honest, so did I. #darkestsecret
STILL too much close up kissing, though. I see tongue(s). PLURAL.
JoJo really appreciates her and Luke’s “PASSION” aka she’s dying to bone him but alas, they are on a park bench.
I bet if Evan were still here he’d bust in now and ask if he could steal Jojo.
Meanwhile, Derreck and Chase compete in a bitching contest about who is less excited about going on a date with the two of them.
I don’t really understand why a 2-on-1 date is that bad?? Wouldn’t it be preferable to a 5-on-1? Or does it then just become sanctioned bro time?
Chase thinks Derreck isn’t sufficiently serious enough as they prepare to “go into battle.”
Back at the date of many men, James Taylor steals JoJo away and calls her a “girl” 1 million times. He is, however, able to refrain from listing all his faults in comparison to the other gorgeous hunky men.
“You’re a little off.” JoJo says to him.
He admits: “It's concerning Jordan.” Suddenly JoJo gets VERY serious.
For the next few minutes, James Taylor tells a truly incomprehensible story about cards and rules and Jordan Rogers. I’d try to relay what happened, but I have no clue.
“Jordan Rogers means...pretty much a celebrity.” He finishes his tale. HA! Have you even met John Travolta?
Also, Jordan’s not even a D list celebrity. JoJo has the real star power here.
The story James Taylor told doesn’t make sense for a lot of reasons, not least because I haven’t really seen the qualities that he’s describing in Jordan. However, I’ll believe anything bad about Jordan because nobody’s hair is that high without some sort of deal with an underworld creature.
“Can I kiss you?” James Taylor asks. He learned a lot from the Tale of Wells v1 and v2: The Kiss and The Parting.
JoJo then sequesters Jordan, presumably for some patented Real Talk©. James Taylor looks like he’s just glad he didn’t have to call out Chad because he wants to keep his adult teeth now that he’s finally got them.
Every time JoJo gets together with Jordan she has to “call him out” for something. What a fantastic scenario she’s setting up as a life with him!
JoJo asks him about the situation James Taylor discussed, which was “very unbecoming” for him.
JoJo is like “I believe everything James Taylor says,” aka “I’m pretty sure whatever is about to come out of your mouth is a lie but I’m torn by my desire for your body so I’ll listen to what you have to say for now.”
Jordan's first response is not “that’s not true” but rather: “how did that get brought up?” He also looks like he’s not used to being questioned. It really brings out his worst qualities and chin heft. Not feeling this at all.
JoJo says that the rumor is that Jordan was acting entitled.
“I don’t know what the means.” Jordan says, while swearing up and down that he’s definitely not entitled.
JoJo talks about her fears and what she’s wants out of a relationship, and Jordan just smiles at her indulgently and pets her hair. Great.
Afterwards, Jordan comes back to join the other dudes and sits right next to James on a tiny couch, twirling his white wine like a Bond villain.
“How’d it go?” James Taylor asks in an impressively normal sort of way.
Jordan says nothing. All the men can tell that this is really awkward. Jordan’s wine swirling reaches new heights of ludicrousness.
Finally, Jordan starts grilling James Taylor on what he said to JoJo. Alex, who is loving the drama, just sits back, drinks, and enjoys the show.
To his credit, James Taylor pretty readily agrees to everything he said. But Jordan is outraged!
“How does one act entitled when stating the rules of a game are as such?” He demands.
Well stated Jordan. No one could accuse you of being a douchebag when you utter such a statement in casual conversation!
“I have not once mentioned anybody’s name!” Jordan goes on in his own defense, and perhaps he’s right (although I won’t consult the official records to see if that’s true, re: Chad).
All of this drama is put to bed once JoJo returns to deliver her rose! I think it’ll be James Taylor..............
...............But it’s actually Luke! I forgot for a second what a horndog she is. I won’t make that mistake again.
James Taylor and Jordan look like maybe they realize that infighting wasn’t the best strategy for getting a woman to notice them. But really all the men who didn’t get a rose sulk and complain about not getting the rose. Riveting TV!
Coming up! Sizzling drama (is at least promised). Possibly the Bachelorette’s first threesome.
Lola has awoke from her grueling schedule of 16 hours of naps to sit on my keyboard with her thoughts on this episode:
Back to the show! Chase and Derrick are shown putting on shirts aka a serious date is about to go down. JoJo is a vision in red dress.
Chase still has no facial features. Derrick looks like a weird mix between Jim from The Office and Tom Cruise from all those Tom Cruise movies.
JoJo also remarks that 2-on-1 dates are awkward, so they go to a tango lesson! That’ll surely alleviate all awkwardness. During the dance instruction, Chase is shown going “Whoa!” with his face while Derrick giggles and is uncomfortable. This shouldn’t be awkward at all.
“Today we’re going to do a 3-person tango.” JoJo announces.
“What! I thought it takes two!” Harris says, while chuckling to himself.
“I know absolutely nothing about tango dancing.” Chase says, utterly shocking everyone in America! I bet thousands of people took the next day off work because they couldn’t process this surprise. How much did our economy suffer from that hit?
What IS unsurprising is that JoJo is INTO THIS. She’s feeling the drama and the fact that Derrick and Chase are pursuing her through the ancient art of tango dancing on a 2-on-1 date.
Derrick spouts some dumb shit about living life and not talking about it, while the 3 of them dance as if they’re extras in Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. JoJo loves it, Derrick and Chase are miserable, and I nearly wish that that Evan and Chad were still on this show to take their place.
Later that night, they walk to dinner, JoJo with a man on each arm. The three of them sit down to a romantic dinner. Almost immediately, JoJo and Derrick go off alone. I’m a traditionalist so I love the part of dinner where 2 people leave one behind so they can chat about love, while the third remains alone at the table with 3 steaks.
JoJo asks if Derrick is a more reserved guy. JoJo nevers asks a question she doesn’t already know the answer to, I’ve noticed.
Derrick tries to get out of talking about his ex by talking about JoJo’s “damn eyes,” and saying she’s the most amazing woman he’s ever met. I hope your MOM isn’t watching this, DERRICK! Oh wait she is and she’s on the phone right now calling you! Better pick up!
He’s “absolutely falling for JoJo!” That’s good enough for her, and they smooch.
Derrick provides some superb narration: They are “freaking sitting together.” He is “so freaking lucky.”
The two of them go back to the table like they hadn’t just been swapping spit, and then JoJo absconds again, this time with Chase.
“What’s on your mind?” She asks.
“What’s on MY mind?” Chase demands.
They talk about boring feelings. JoJo says she doesn’t feel like Chase is giving her a lot back (feelings, kisses, handsy grabs). Chase says he’s not sure how she couldn’t understand his emotions as he talks without any trace of emotion in his voice or on his face.
This line of questioning is starting to upset Chase.
Cut back to Derrick, alone at the table. “Tonight was freaking amazing!” He announces to himself.
Then: “I fully expect to be walking home with the rose that’s on that table.” Do you think contestants know that they’re being given a loser’s edit, or did Derrick learn this while watching this episode, as we all did!?
Once the three of them are seating again at the table (and JoJo and Chase have fit in their makeout time), JoJo has to make a decision because there is only one rose and two men!!!! It’s just simple math!
At first, she makes it seems like she’s going to pick Derrick. But because nothing is more attractive to a woman than a man who is withholding, JoJo of course picks Chase.
Derrick is pissed! And hurt! And probably full after eating everyone’s dinner!
JoJo goes straight from pinning the rose on Chase and hugging him to asking Derrick if she can walk him to his (goodbye) limo.
Derrick looks pale and weak. JoJo cries about letting him go. Derrick also cries.
Shortly after, Chase and JoJo go to a big ballroom where a 5 piece orchestra is playing....“Don’t Cry for me Argentina”(!!!!!!). JoJo and Chase are shown kissing, then a cut to Derrick crying and saying the following sad things:
“I thought this was my time to be happy. But it’s not!”
“Why am I crying?”
Again, all while “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” is playing. Man, the irony IS thick on this show! If I were Derrick I would sue the editors of this episode for mental anguish.
But it’s already a new day, JoJo is shown in the business of contemplation while on the porch of her hotel room, wearing a stunning blue gown and mermaid hair.
The remaining 6 dudes arrive for a cocktail party! Which is somehow less awkward than a date with just 2 dudes. Go figure.
Jordan’s hair is as high as it’s ever been. Robby looks more and more animated (by that I mean fake, not excitable). Chase looks like he’s been doused with ambien. James Taylor is all “aw shucks.” Luke looks nerve wracked. Alex looks like a dude.
Jordan is still hurt about being called entitled, so he feels entitled to JoJo’s time and attention so they can sort things out. He says he’s ready to get engaged and married. This, of course, is like catnip to JoJo. He’s “falling in love,” he promises.
I wish I could narrate my emotional journey the way these men are able to. “I’m feeling like I’m going to the kitchen to get some brownies. I’m feeling like I’m about to be rageful that I forgot to bake brownies earlier.”
I MUST SAY that Luke’s face really cracks me up. He looks like a character from a gritty Muppet reboot.
Alex and JoJo get some time together. Alex is not ready to go home tonight!
“How are you?”JoJo asks.
“I’m here right now.” Alex responds. Lol. Alex is by far the worst conversationalist, but I’d like to take on his secrets to communicating:
“How are you doing?”
“I’m here, riding this bus.”
Alex complains that he hasn’t had enough time. So they smooch, naturally.
James Taylor announces that he is “fightin’”for JoJo. JoJo is all “I know it’s not easy with your disorder” (being southern and old fashioned) to be in this competition.
JoJo seems to have a connection with all the guys, and I’m genuinely curious if all the Bachelors/Bachelorettes are like this? Are they just all capable of loving so many people at once?
All the men are leaning forward in their chairs to hide their smooch-induced boners (ALLEGEDLY).
Contestant Chris barges in to steal JoJo. She takes some time alone to think, giving the other men time to fret.
Yet again, Alex compares himself to another dude (favorably!). James Taylor takes the opposite tactic of talking smack about himself: there are guys here who make more money, who are probably better looking, who are smarter.
Now Alex is pouting his lips in a duck fashion. Robby’s mouth is open as if he’s waiting to catch flies. Jordan looks like he’s forgotten where he was for a second. Jordan! It's the ROSE CEREMONY!
Luke and Chase already HAVE roses (but try not to brag about it, fellas)
So then the next roses go to!
ONE ROSE REMAINS!
It’s between James Taylor and Alex!
JoJo is racked with anxiety and indecision. She picks up the rose in an attempt to imbue herself with the power of love.
“I’m sorry” she says, AND RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM to an extremely beautiful photo op with her dress fanned out on an ornate carpet!!
Contestant Chris uses this opportunity to try and get some face time with JoJo, but she’s all about her decision.
“I’m scared out of my mind that she’s going to make a mistake and choose James over me.” Alex says. What a fantastic way he has of always making something seem like someone’s else’s fault or problem.
JoJo makes it seem like she’s going to send them both home, but SURPRISE! Contestant Chris brings in two roses on a silver platter!
Alex gets the first of the (pity) roses, and accepts it.
James Taylor, despite all the guys being smarter and better looking and more continent and more artistic and more water soluble than him, also gets a rose.
Turns out JoJo couldn't make a decision!!!! She wants ALL THE GUYS! And I want you to have it, JoJo.
Alex says he and James Taylor got pity roses!!!!!!! I called that one.
“I want to feel wanted.” Alex complains. Don’t we all.
NEXT WEEK! JoJo macks with all the dudes. Robby wears THE tightest pants. James Taylor is NOT being friendly any more. JoJo is shown crying. And more fun!