The Bachelorette!!! Episode 5!!!

The Bachelorette!!! Episode 5!!!

I never thought I’d make it here tbh.  Like Chad, I refuse to leave even after being asked politely by all involved.  SORRY Lola and Harris, but I have squatters rights and there’s no way I’m leaving before the end of this season.

(During the infamous house meeting where they tried, and failed, to implement a chore wheel)

(During the infamous house meeting where they tried, and failed, to implement a chore wheel)

The episode opens on the same evening that the previous episode ended on, wherein a gorgeous sunset overlooks some ugly behavior.  The men are all celebrating Chad’s early death (from this show).

(Pretty sure this is desecration of a corpse)

(Pretty sure this is desecration of a corpse)

James Taylor strums the guitar while Wells holds Chad’s protein powder and says a prayer for “arguably the worst person anyone has ever met.” The men all hold a scoop of the powder in their palms and release it into the the wind.

(Life begins at Chad-ception)

(Life begins at Chad-ception)

Evan thanks god that Chad has been eliminated by Alex. I thought he was eliminated by JoJo?

Wells then kicks the protein powder off into the woods, totally trashing the spectacular Nemacolin Woodlands Resort resort which has brought us all a lifetime of memories at a reasonable price.

Inside the house, the Drunk Canadian sees Chad at the door and goes to welcome his erstwhile friend. Chad walks in without really revealing he’s been eliminated right away.

“I guess she thinks I’m too intense, or something.” Chad finally allows.

Jordan vainly offers an olive branch of peace. Maybe they can shake and get over their differences?

Chad is all “I’m just being me. No apologies.”

Evan has a creepy shit eating grin on his face. Now that Chad is (or will shortly) be gone, Evan’s usefulness is done so I’m hoping he’ll be next to leave.

Jordan and Chad try to make amends, by which I mean they bicker and catfight.

Evan truly gets to the heart of what’s important: “Do you have your wallet on you? You owe me for my shirt!”

(Evan and his shirt, in happier times)

(Evan and his shirt, in happier times)

“Are you that broke?” Chad demands.  It seems no money is exchanged.  God I hope they shared Paypal information.

Then Chad’s all “I’m out.” And that’s all we ever saw of him again. I’m out too!

Ohhhh shit, the season isn’t over.

Back on JoJo and Alex’s now one-on-one date, JoJo gets to kiss Alex, Alex gets to kiss JoJo.  Alex looks pretty good with a rose boutonniere. JoJo looks good in a white blanket with fringe, which sounds like an impossible feat.

Later, Alex comes home to a hero’s welcome. All the men scoop him up in their arms and perform a Hora. He even coaxes a high five out of the Drunk Canadian.

The men then smash a plate of cupcakes into Alex’s gorgeous face. What would possess one to do that?!

Up next: Everyone turns into mini Chads! An hour of commercials!

Back at fantastic Nemacolin Woodlands Resort where the peerless service is matched only by the state of relaxation you’ll achieve, the men all join JoJo in their tuxes.  

“There she comes.” One of the men always says when JoJo arrives. Either that or “There she is.”  Every.single.time! I’m going to start saying “There he is” every time my boyfriend enters the room and start a countdown for when he calls me a misandrist.

Chase drags JoJo away and imprisons her in a plastic bubble stolen from the football challenge. She is inexplicably charmed.

(If this doesn't work out it looks like Chase also does not have a career at the WWF)

(If this doesn't work out it looks like Chase also does not have a career at the WWF)

JoJo already has a nickname for Chase! She calls him Chaser! That’s a good sign if you have all your money on Chase in a for-profit bachelorette lottery scheme.

Then Robby enters. Ugh, Robby. What a slimeball. I can’t pinpoint anything he’s done that’s wrong or bad, but he doesn’t seem genuine and he does seem like a creep. He vaguely talks about their potential engagement.

“Can I have a kiss?” He pleads.

The remaining men have to watch as Robby kisses JoJo off in the distance. What a strange scenario! The men just have to deal with it because that’s the nature of this “journey,” but it’s a totally odd setup.

James F. reveals he has a poem to read to JoJo!!!! He wrote it a few weeks ago and has been looking for the perfect time to unleash it. I instinctively put my hands in front of my face to shield myself from the embarrassment that’s coming, but I can’t stop my ears from hearing the following:

JoJo is touched, of course. I’m touched (by nausea).

But wait! I have an exclusive scoop! It’s a poem that Chad had been working on and was going to present to her this episode!

Wow. Powerful!

Alex comes in and interrupts the poetry slam. As he already has a rose, the other guys are like “Hey we don’t have roses, can you just chill?”

The Drunk Canadian is very lost without his Chad. God this is just like the plot of The Notebook and I don’t want to start weeping.

Luke is next! He’s all “I feel like it’s just yesterday that we went on our magical date and you haven’t kissed all these dudes in between.”

Luke reveals he’s FALLING FOR JOJO aka a precursor to love.

Wells correctly points out that now that their common enemy is gone, what are they going to do? Evan seems like a perfect candidate for top villain, but for the fact that he’s not interesting at all.

Evan complains that the men with roses are cutting in front of him to be with JoJo, to which I can only imagine JoJo is all “thanks guys!”

Jordan, who is in possession of a rose, drags JoJo away to mack with her against a wall RIGHT NEXT to the room where all the other men are waiting. SCANDALE!

Jordan, the “Former Pro Quarterback” is all “long hair don’t care,” except replace that with tonguing.

(A tale of two cities)

(A tale of two cities)

Then Contestant Chris comes to steal JoJo away. He doesn’t have a rose, but he’s smart about playing the long game. Meanwhile Vinny FEELS the tension.  

James F. is pretty certain his poem landed him a rose.  I’m hoping he’s a fast packer.

Back at the glorious Nemacolin Woodlands Resort where you're only limited by your imagination and your capacity for living life to it's fullest - it’s the rose ceremony!

Since Evan can’t talk about Chad, he talks about Chad. JoJo is a vision in poured silver sequin.

WHO WILL GET A ROSE?

I’ll tell you! And give you my first word association as their names are announced.

  • Derrick! (snitch)
  • Robby (dolphin)
  • Chase (who?!?!)
  • Wells (tiny tiny weak body)
  • Grant (duh he’s a firefighter that’s all i know)
  • Vinny (WHAT)
  • James T (felon)
  • Only one rose remains!!!!!!!!!! WHO shall it be?

It shall be Evan (VOMIT VOMIT VOMIT VOMIT).

James F. and The Drunk Canadian are out. It’d be hilarious if JoJo forced him to take back his handwritten poem, but JoJo is a gentleman.

The Drunk Canadian just looks relieved to be going home to Chad. He uses his last chance to show off his ridiculous accent and talk about how great his body and face is.

(IRL the Drunk Canadian is a profesh model. The more you know!)

(IRL the Drunk Canadian is a profesh model. The more you know!)

“Obviously my personality is shit.” The Drunk Canadian allows. Go be with Chad!

After they leave, JoJo has other ideas! “I’m ready to take this international.” She sings.

They are going to Uruguay!

I’m just about to say that I’m sure none of them know where that is, and then James Taylor says “I have no idea where that is!”

By some cruel twist of fate, Vinny is allowed to go too!

Off to Uruguay! Not sure how the men found their way considering they professed no knowledge of where it was, but somehow they’ve arrived.

They are staying at the Grand Hotel which IS Grand, Robby assures us. God, that was going to keep me up tonight.

“The competition is stiff.” A voiceover narrates, and I hope to god it’s Erectile Evan, but alas, the penis puns are apparently just for the first part of courting and now the show’s decided to close up shop until the viewer can show some more commitment.

JORDAN gets a date! “Let’s seal the date,” JoJo’s note reads.

“I’m excited. It’s awesome.” Jordan says, without betraying either a hint of excitement or awesomeness.

Wells has never had more screen time, so my guess is he’s getting eliminated at the end of this episode.

Jordan’s hair is higher than it’s ever been. Also looks like he’s the new villain of the show!!!!!!  

The date involves spending time on a yacht in as few clothes as possible. JoJo looks banging in a bikini. I didn’t even notice what Jordan was wearing.

(“So then I had the idea for a game where men throw around a football….I call it Jordan Ball’)

(“So then I had the idea for a game where men throw around a football….I call it Jordan Ball’)

The rest of the men back at the house gossip about Jordan.  

“He’s not here for the right reasons!” Vinny yells, as they cut back to to Jordan imitating a seal’s bark.  Ha!

"Guys love gossip.” Vinny says as he is allowed the extreme privilege of cutting Alex’s hair.

In the barber shop, it’s revealed that Vinny has been harboring some secret In Touch magazines, and one has a story about our girl JoJo! What a weird through-the-looking-glass moment!  

The story implies that JoJo is still in love with her ex, with whom she was sneaking around during filming of The Bachelor (allegedly). The men are all upset that she might be in love with someone else, and they talk at length about how much time they’ve expended on getting to know her, but also how much they’ve personally given up to be here.

COME ON. The very first reason to be on this show is to get exposure. If you are “serious about finding love” you download OKCupid or whatever app is now in vogue and you just go on a lot of dates until one clicks. You don’t quit your job to join a herd of men in pursuit of the same woman.

They keep showing previews for Bachelor in Paradise. What is this beast?!?! I’m scared to find out more.

(This tells me nothing)

(This tells me nothing)

There’s a knock on the door! The next day’s date lineup is revealed as such!

  • Luke
  • Derrick
  • Chase
  • Evan
  • James T.
  • Vinny
  • Grant
  • Wells
  • Alex

The men are all “I’m not sure I want to go on this date after reading an article in this hyper-reputable publication!”

WOW DRAMA ALERT! Back at her date with Jordan, JoJo ominously reveals via talking head segment that she “met a girl” who used to date Jordan and furthermore said he wasn’t a good boyfriend!!! And she’s about to TELL ALL about this blast from Jordan’s history.

When she does finally asks him, Jordan looks very nervous and very CAUGHT. He nervously downs his cocktail.

“That’s just...interesting. I don’t even know what to say there" as he tousles his hair higher and higher.

(“Um, a girl I used to late? Hahaha what does that mean?”)

(“Um, a girl I used to late? Hahaha what does that mean?”)

“Unfortunately it has a lot to do with sports." Jordan begins his tale.

OH GOOD, I was worried it was a real reason.

Jordan sort of admits that while he was playing the old football skins game he wasn’t the best dude to be with. But at least he didn’t “physically cheat.” I’ll be filing that line away for my future romantic peccadilloes.

Jordan has changed, he assures us and JoJo, and says his pastor said something awhile ago that has stuck with him, and that is: “Don’t tell someone you love them unless you are ready to put a ring on it.” I follow this same advice, which is why I’ve proposed to my parents, my siblings, my nephew, my pets, and all my friends. Most have said no :(

Also no pastor has ever said that. Not even the “cool” ones who play guitar and have a tattoo.

Jordan gets a rose. I get a nosebleed from these dizzying highs.

“I didn’t want to hear something that would hurt me.” JoJo says. Girl, I sometimes question your choices, but that’s just a great and healthy way to go through a relationship.

Jordan and JoJo wander around Uruguay. I have to see Jordan dance like a goddamned fool. I hope these people don’t know he’s American. So humiliating.

UGH. JoJo is falling for this act!

Because I just love a story about a woman being forced to answer for the men in her life, I’m thrilled to present to you the next part of this episode!

Jordan is back, relating all the cool things he’s done on his date. Read the crowd, dude.

Meanwhile, JoJo is in a confessional, and a producer (who sounds like a real dick, for the record) hands her the InTouch mag about her ex-boyfriend, curiously also named Chad.

(The tabloid of record)

(The tabloid of record)

“Why are you showing me this?” She asks.

“I need you to address it.” The producer demands. “The guys have already seen it.”

“MY guys?” JoJo asks with increasing alarm.

Poor fucking JoJo. I know this is manufactured drama, but it’s manufactured at JoJo’s expense. She’s clearly upset and frustrated and mad and it’s genuine.

Most of the guys are all “once again, all Chads have proven to be assholes.” Both Luke and Chase are shown to be the kindest about it, with ALEX (tsk tsk tsk) seemingly leads the charge of “just wondering” if it's true.

JoJo is shown crying and heading to the 8th Floor (the MAN floor), holding a copy of the magazine.

LOOK. She shouldn’t have to answer for anything. And yet she joins the men in their apartment and immediately starts crying.

Evan is in a tank top. I hope you didn’t watch this episode just to spare you this sight.

JoJo “explains” herself and explains that Chad (again, her ex-boyfriend and not her ex-contestant) is just a controlling dick.

“Sorry you have to deal with this.” Vinny says, genuinely concerned. Jordan listens with no emotion or reaction of any kind. Robby looks like he smelled something unpleasant.

In the end, JoJo is forgiven by all the men. Who will I not forgive for this dumb plotline?

Confession! I’m starting to viewer-fall for Vinny! He seems very nice and concerned! If he just arranged his hair in a different manner I might be ok with him going forward on this journey.

Chase is also being a stellar dude. But I don’t want to get into the habit of giving gold stars to men for not being dicks, so that’s enough of that.

The next day Robby and Jordan are at a spa, just gabbing and gossipin’, while the rest of the men are on their group date.

(I imagine half of their conversations are about how awesome it is to be a white dude)

(I imagine half of their conversations are about how awesome it is to be a white dude)

It’s very important to inform you that JoJo is wearing an arm cuff item of jewelry. Meanwhile, the men all go sand surfing!

I’ll take this opportunity to reveal a dark secret of mine: one of my favorite reality shows is “Real World Road Rules Challenge,” so I’m an old pro at watching dumb people do sports-based type activities.

(“Last one across the finish line is an Evan!”)

(“Last one across the finish line is an Evan!”)

Evan predicts he’ll be soon getting another bloody nose. Alex does a backflip to show off. It WORKS.

New plot point alert! Derrrrrick is jealous! “That’s a good thing, because it shows I actually do care.” Actually, Derrrrrrrrrrick, it just shows that you can’t process your emotions in a healthy way.

Back at the hotel, it’s revealed that Robby gets the next one-on-one date. Considering you were the only dude left, it’s not a super shock, Robathan.

Luke is the first one to “steal” JoJo. I hope he gives her back. ZING!

Luke takes the time with JoJo to bring up her humiliating recent event! He tells her that she knows her intentions are pure, and I guess she needed that validation, so I’ll allow it. Me being forced to watch them kiss, I WON'T allow.

James Taylor is all “aw shucks I read the article 3 times!”

“I am so done with Chads.” JoJo says. “I apologize to all the Chads out there that are good men. But I haven’t met one.” 

AND THUS MY THEORY IS CONFIRMED! There are simply no good Chads in existence.

(Nope, nope, nope, nope)

(Nope, nope, nope, nope)

The men on the group date talk about how awkward it is to be on a date with 7 other dudes. Fair.

Derrrrrrek steals JoJo away from Evan, much to JoJo’s delight (I assume).

Derrecck is all “why don’t you call me anymore?  We’ll always have San Francisco!”

Derrick then forces JoJo to listen to him being jealous, but come on. Were you not aware of the conceit of the Bachelorette? Why does JoJo have to hear about your bullshit nonsense male emotions?

WOW. High drama-alert. Turns out Alex does NOT LIKE Derrick.  

“He’s a jealous person.” Alex says, and all I can notice is how FLOUFY his hair is.

During his time with JoJo, Alex says that “it’s as real as it’s ever been in my entire life,” regarding his feelings for JoJo. I can’t help but feel bad for all the other women Alex has been involved with up to this point, truly that must suck to hear! Almost as much as finding out someone you’ve been intimate with is on an ABC reality show.

Alex says he’s willing to “be scared, be vulnerable.” And he’s rewarded with a tongue kiss.

But later!  

Derrick gets the rose after saying he wants to be validated by JoJo concerning her feelings for him. Alex is NOT going to be pleased.

I notice that Alex is always talking shit about other guys. Do you think he’s all “I don’t hang out with other guys because it’s too much drama?” I bet he’s only friends with women!

The next day is JoJo’s date with Robby! She is seen frolicking with a dog while waiting for him to arrive.

“I love dogs!!!!” She exclaims, and it’s the truest love I’ve heard her talk about yet.

(Suddenly this makes a lot more sense)

(Suddenly this makes a lot more sense)

She’s shown confiding in the beach dog about her journey. Then Robby, significantly less cute, arrives.

The dog looks on. She does NOT approve.

They drive around the town! Yet again JoJo is the one driving! She ALWAYS drives on her dates. I wonder if that’s in her contract.

“You look like Ryan Gosling from The Notebook.” JoJo, inaccurately, says as Robby tries on a sassy hat.

Robby tries out some “Dick Spanish” as I call it, wherein he says an English word in a cheesy accent. What a charmer.

Back at the too good to be true but yet somehow it is Grand Hotel, the rest of the men are in a group therapy session with Jordan.

Alex is yet again wearing a hoodie without a shirt underneath, and normally I’d be melting, but I’m not falling for it again. Alex is officially on my shit list.

Quick cut back to the date: “I know I love JoJo.” Robby says. I know bullshit when I see it.  

Robby and JoJo stand on a cliff and ask if the other is ready and willing to do it, and I know what's coming next - a suicide pact.

(Scared of the marine disaster about to occur with all that spray-tan runoff)

(Scared of the marine disaster about to occur with all that spray-tan runoff)

But no, they just strip down to their bikinis and jump into the ocean. Robby is an olympic swimmer. So am I, dude. Just like your declaration of love, apparently I can say anything I want just because I want to say it.

JoJo and Robby french against the rocks. Robby declares (to himself) his love for JoJo. I declare my love for the kimchi fried rice I had for dinner which, sadly, I worry I’m going to be seeing again shortly.

Back at the Grand Hotel, where dreams come true and the fun never ends, the therapy sesh has broken out into two smaller groups.

Alex needles Derrrrick about how JoJo gave him a pity rose. Derrick (astutely) calls this a Mean Girls Clique.

O Alex. You have officially broken my heart. You have such a handsome face and if you are into muscle than that’s fine too, but you are being a grade A bitch, and not in a fun way.

On a lighter note, these men LOVE red wine, specifically drinking it. Just an interesting note.

Robby says he’s a “very emotional person,” and that he gets it from his mom.  That might be the most calculated sentence I’ve ever heard on this show.

Robby talks about proposing to JoJo in the future. He also talks about his best friend who died last year in a car accident. These guys really know how to kill a vibe.

Somehow Robby spins this tragic story into a treatise on why he’s on the Bachelorette.

“I feel like if I were to hide something from you, I’d be lying to you.” Robby says. Yeah, Robethewel. That’s kind of the definition of lying.

“I feel like if I threw you off the cliff that morning, I’d be murdering you.” Thanks Robby.

Robby spills the big L word.

(“I knew it from the moment I signed the contract to be on this show. Be mine.”)

(“I knew it from the moment I signed the contract to be on this show. Be mine.”)

“Thank you so much.” JoJo says. He’s rewarded with a long smooch.

BTW, JoJo’s highlights look pretty incredible. Uruguay agrees with her!

Robby is given a rose. He accepts it with “all [his] heart.”

It doesn’t matter that JoJo didn’t say she loved him because “she’s on the path to loving me back.” Riiiiiiiiight.  Riiiiiiiiight.

“I am really the happiest man in Uruguay right now.” Robby gushes.

“Oh yeah? How much do you know about the men in Uruguay?” Harris, who has been quietly dozing on the couch this whole time, pipes up.

There are fireworks on the beach! I’m shocked at how much these producers will spend on a set in order to perfectly frame JoJo and Robby kissing in front of exploding fireworks. Particularly since most viewers will surely try to turn away as quickly as possible.

The next day! Shots of horses, birds, and a STORM which the men must walk through to get to the rose ceremony.

Evan says his heart will plead for a rose.  

Derreck is complaining about the mean girls clique. Despite having a rose, there is something on his mind and he must speak his thoughts aloud!

He asks Robby, Alex, Chase, and Jordan to join him outside.  

Derrick address the group: “Please don’t gang up on me dudes.”  

Alex looks very short in this configuration. It’s like the scales have fallen from my eyes and I can’t unsee how tiny he actually is.

(And yet!)

(And yet!)

The only reason Evan wasn’t invited to this soiree is because he’s not popular enough to be in the cool mean group.

The men are like “how dare you stray us from our quest to win the heart of fair JoJo?” When they return to the group, Luke asks for the dish.

Jordan pulls a move straight from Regina George and asks if anyone has a problem with him, and if so, raise their hand!

Men are so dramatic. God I hope a man doesn’t win the presidency because they clearly can’t get along with each other.

Contestant Chris is back! I wonder if he’s a mean girl!?!?

Yet again, there’s no cocktail party! “Her mind is made up, there’s no reason to delay the inevitable.” Wow, that’s cold, JoJo.

THREE of them will be going home! I gasp.

“If I go home and Derrick stays it’ll be a joke.” Says Alex, always comparing himself to other men, always the joker.

“Sensitive little bitch.” Alex calls Derrick. Strong discourse, Alex.  

You are now dead to me.

(Gone but not forgotten)

(Gone but not forgotten)

The ROSE CEREMONY upon which JoJo’s mind has been decided is about to begin! She’s looking good in an emerald gown with a gold belt.

Only 5 roses are on the block!!!! They are dealt out to the men as follows:

  • Luke!
  • Chase!
  • Alex.
  • James Taylor.

ONLY ONE ROSE REMAINS!!!!!

WHO shall it be?!?!

Alex, Robby, and Jordan already have roses. Vinny, Wells, Grant, and Erectile Evan are up for elimination.  

Wells is offered the rose. And so it goes.

BYE EVAN!

Vinny looks sad. Evan looks constipated.

Grant looks disappointed (and also like the last person of color was just kicked off this show).

Evan is crying and his nose will probably start bleeding at any moment.

“I thought I could come on here and be like...this amazing guy.”  Evan says. No one else did, Evan.

(You already had your chance at love, Evan!)

(You already had your chance at love, Evan!)

Grant seems upset.  “I feel hurt and so confused at the same time.”  Aw, I remember he’s a man from San Francisco with the language to identify his feelings.

(Bye Grant! We’ll always have whatever this was)

(Bye Grant! We’ll always have whatever this was)

JoJo nearly cries sending Vinny home. I didn’t think he would make it past the first episode, so I cried for him back then.

Vinny is also hurt and tears up, and unlike Evan, I feel bad for him. He looks like he just got genuinely dumped! Vinny!!!! I shall tell others of your story!

Next week! JoJo wears a red dress! She kisses James Taylor and Derrick and Luke! Also it looks like everyone is ganging up on Jordan now.

And later in the season! JoJo strolls on the beach and has a panic attack. Sounds like love to me!

(Pictured above: single)

(Pictured above: single)

(Pictured above: looking for love)

(Pictured above: looking for love)

Maybe she should just be single for awhile?

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