The Bachelorette!     (Episode 8!)

The Bachelorette! (Episode 8!)

Can this be so??

It’s HOMETOWN DATES!

Coming up on tonight’s episode! 

  • Chase is crying!
  • More talk of Aaron Rodgers. 
  • JoJo is crying!

This show must have a gigantic budget for makeup touches once JoJo finishes her hourly weeping session. #love

Much has been made of how the final 4 look the same, but I don't see it. Check out these 4 photos of Chase to see what I mean:

(ZING!)

(ZING!)

I didn’t even know hometown dates were a thing but yet I’m so pumped for them! I guess? I actually have no idea how to feel. 

FIRST! The highlands of Colorado! So....Chase’s visit is first. Well ok. 

Chase is from a family of divorce and JoJo’s parents have been married for 30+ years, and he hopes that that won’t be a problem for her. Yes, Chase! JoJo is traditionally a cold and unfair person and I’m sure she’ll hold your parents divorce against you, Chase. Jeez, he’s pretty dim, right?

How does one raise a JoJo, I wonder? I’d like to do it myself, but possibly one with better judgement concerning men.

JoJo zeros in that because Chase has this background of divorce, it might be harder for him to open up. But not open his mouth, because they are soon smooching on a mountain!

(This is just how the Donner party got into trouble, fyi)

(This is just how the Donner party got into trouble, fyi)

Yet I'm confused. There’s snow on the ground, but they are only wearing tops with no jackets. Were they not allowed to wear bulky sweaters because it’s not sexy enough? Interesting!! I'm concerned for their safety but they, apparently, are not!

(Come on guys. Your smooching will not protect you from the elements)

(Come on guys. Your smooching will not protect you from the elements)

FIRST on the agenda is a visit to Chase’s childhood home! He enters without knocking. RUDE. He shows JoJo around, and then introduces his dad, who hasn’t spoken to his mom in years! #unspokendrama #somuchleftunsaid

Chase’s father shows up and gives Chase a big hug. It must be totally normal to reconnect with your son and his potential ABC-bride on national TV. Making families, is what The Bachelorette is all about.

“You have a very great son." JoJo sweetly offers. And while this is all very nice and sweet, I hunger for the drama of past episodes. There’s going to be no torn shirts or Chad pull-ups in this ep, I fear.

Instead, we get Chase and his dad reconnecting, while JoJo tears up. For someone who professes to have such an emotional wall up, it's a super odd choice to go on this show and have feelings all over the place!

Chase makes JoJo leave so he can chat with his dad. Romantic!

Chase’s dad is all “sure JoJo is great, but there are 3 other dudes after her. Are you sure this is wise?”  Chase will hear none of it.

“You seem like you’re really happy.” Chase’s dad notes and Chase is quickly in tears. More hugs, and then Chase’s dad is off.

(Never forget how they fell in love)

(Never forget how they fell in love)

“JoJo’s asked me to open up and put my heart out on the table.” Chase says. Wow! Graphic! I’ve never been to Colorado so I’m not aware of the customs, but surely they don’t include live organs on the dinner table.  I’m kidding!!  I’ve been to the Denver Airport.

It’s time for JoJo to meet Chase’s mom (presumably Chase has already met her - who knows?). And what a treat for all these people to get to meet JoJo!

Chase is noticeably very much more relaxed around his mom and this side of the family. Chase’s mom quickly takes JoJo away for gal time/wine time, which she is totally excited about. They get along famously, of course. What a tantalizing prospect for JoJo to be your daughter-in-law!

OMG new idea!

They should have a show like this with the same format, but where the moms have to compete to be JoJo’s mother-in-law (also then she has to marry their son)!

I would WATCH THAT SHOW!!! And look - there’s already a scene that’s perfect for the promos:

“I can tell you know how to have fun!” JoJo says to Chase’s mom.
“I can tell you know how to have fun too!”  Chase’s mom replies!

Meanwhile, Chase sits down with his sister and wants to hear every single one of her opinions.

Allow me to detour and say I would be terrified in this scenario. The first time my brother-in-law met my dad, he somehow wound up seeing him pants-less. Though that would be more interesting to watch then these two talk about love. Again, it’s very real and very “nice,” but I would prefer to meet Chad’s sister (who I bet would just be Chad in a wig.  Would ALSO watch that show!).

("I'm Chad's sister.....Girl Chad!")

("I'm Chad's sister.....Girl Chad!")

Chase sits down for a chat with his mom. She’s much more comfortable in front of the camera than Chase's sister, so it’s more fun to watch. Chase wants his mom’s opinion.

“She’s darling.” His mom says. Duh! “Do you think you’d be ready to propose?” He says yes, in a rather circular way. He’s starts tearing up at his mom’s sweet words about what a great son he is.  It’s very sweet. I tear up a little too. #sympathetic-crier

“Crying is not our style!” Chase’s mom says. HA! Welcome to The Bachelorette, lady.

Too soon, it’s time for JoJo to say goodbye to everyone. “I hate goodbyes!”

Chase walks her to the car. “Enjoy all your other boyfriend’s families!” He basically says.

But he also says: “I’m falling in love with you, JoJo.’” He says it in a whisper while they kiss, and I LITERALLY (as in actually) put my hands on my cheeks and scream, Home Alone-style. I’d rather these two leave me out of their personal feelings, thank you very much.

So, to recap! All the guys are either already in love with JoJo or are on the way to love. This is going to be rough.  

Until she dumps Robby and Jordan, that is. That’ll be smooth and satisfying.

Coming up! JoJo attempts to solve the mystery of why Jordan doesn’t talk to his famous brother!

JoJo is off to Chico, California! I grew up a few hours from there and that means JoJo and I have both been to the same place!! It’s like we’re sisters already!

“I had never heard of Chico, California.” JoJo says! The she screams “WHAT!” as a herd of deer rush behind her. HA! Deer are thick as...well, deer, over there. It’s cute that she’s so thrilled!

Jordan takes JoJo around the sites of Chico, including his high school. He shows her his former English class, and his old coach, and other boring stuff that would only be interesting to someone in love. Unfortunately, JoJo seems fascinated.

("And then I came up with an idea wherein we derive one angle of a triangle side by using the value of the other two angles....I also call it Jordan Ball.")

("And then I came up with an idea wherein we derive one angle of a triangle side by using the value of the other two angles....I also call it Jordan Ball.")

“I’m in love with her.” Jordan tells the camera. The camera? Doesn’t care.

“I think we would have dated in high school.” One of them says. I don’t care enough to rewind and find out. Then they are smooching in the library. Blah. Children are present somewhere.

JoJo sees pictures of Jordan as a teen, and she’s all “he was NOT hot. He was so little! He’s come a long way!” Ha! I love when JoJo insults people. It still seems like a compliment.

UGH. Since JoJo is falling for him, I’m trying to keep an open mind. And then THIS happens:

(Look in your nearest dictionary at the entry for "punchable face")

(Look in your nearest dictionary at the entry for "punchable face")

JoJo yet again grills Jordan on Aaron. Jordan is all “it doesn’t need to be a topic.”

Jordan’s hair is still SO high, exacerbated by the wind of God’s judgement no doubt.

JoJo is excited to meet Jordan’s family. Again, have these people never heard of the concept of dreading the first family visit? When did this change?

Jordan’s house is BIG and looks expensive. It has a gate just on their personal driveway! JoJo actually seems pretty nervous. Jordan just laughs her off. “Feel my heart” JoJo demands and places his hand on her chest. WILEY, JoJo!

These people better freaking LOVE JoJo. Jordan’s parents are drinking wine when they arrive, so that’s a good start.

After getting settled, Jordan’s mom tells a story of how Jordan used to threaten to run away and also would kick his teacher. Very adorable behavior for a 26-year old during the week before he left to film The Bachelorette!

Jordan’s brother (not the famous one) takes JoJo away. HA! Prob trying to mack on her! Nice move! But instead, Jordan’s brother is going to give the real dirt on Aaron (also his brother - this family tree is complicated!!)!

(ARGGGGH! It's just confounding)

(ARGGGGH! It's just confounding)

Jordan’s brother is nearly just as vague about Aaron, saying how they miss him, it pains them both not to have a relationship with their brother, God will bring it full circle, etc. He does then say the magic words: that Jordan only revealed his problems to JoJo (and the entire audience) because he must feel strongly for her (no thanks, Jordan, not interested).

Then the Brothers Rodgers sit and chat. I forgot how to spell their last name but they have an actual sign behind them that says RODGERS. Lol. I guess they forget sometimes too?

Elsewhere in the house, it’s JoJo and Jordan’s papa’s time! His dad is at least in his 60s (but I could be wrong! I’m bad at math and also don’t want to offend anyone!) and he’s wearing light denim jeans with thick white stitching, a la the youths of today.

I envy JoJo’s ability to talk to anyone. She has a cute, bubbly conversation with anyone who crosses her path: man, woman, young old, human, beast, Chad, Evan.

Jordan assures Jordan’s dad that she really likes Jordan and would really like to bed him (the last part is implied).

“He is nobody’s brother!” JoJo declares (though technically he’s two man’s brothers that we know of).

“I’m falling in love with Jordan” JoJo reveals.  Does the season end here?

Nope. Soon Jordan is talking with his mother. She’s so calm and soft spoken and I feel like I wish she were my aunt or therapist. She also looks a lot like Jordan! She is so excited for the prospect of Jordan being engaged with JoJo.  

JoJo and Jordan come back together to chat. JoJo expresses fears that if she picks Jordan, it might not be “forever.” He looks at her with all but a sign above his head that says “IT WON’T BE.”

Luke - would be with you forever.  James Taylor - would be with you forever.  Chase - would be with you forever.  Robby - would be with you until the tanner runs out.

“Don’t ever doubt this.” Jordan says, and then they kiss. I need to go take a shower.

But I can’t because soon enough we’re off to FLORIDA!  

“I’m getting ready to see my girlfriend.” Robby announces. I’m not sure why this sentence both chills and amuses me so. Maybe it’s because she just got finished seeing her two other boyfriends and is then off to see her 4th boyfriend after this?

JoJo is also really excited to see Robby. She missed him!  

Robby inexplicably asks JoJo to whistle. She does, and out comes a horse-drawn carriage. Could have seen THAT coming, oldest trick in the book. EYE ROLL. Also horses are LUKE’s thing! Robby’s thing is, apparently, dominion over animals, while Luke whispers to them until they become as one moving unit and neither can tell where one ends and the other begins.

(Instead we get this)

(Instead we get this)

While I write this 7th grade fantasy romance, Robby and JoJo ride through St. Augustine and talk about how Robby loves her. JoJo “feels” like she’s falling in love with Robby. Apparently telling someone you love them is a great way to get close to them! These two gab more about past relationships. Robby looks bored and confused somehow at the same time. They kiss.

“I don’t see anything that could possibly go wrong,” Robby says, having never heard of dramatic irony. Then he promises that when JoJo meets his mom, “emotions are going to be flying.”  

Cut to Robby’s family! AND OH SHIT. I can already tell this is going to be good. Robby’s mom looks like she’s tipsy already, everyone has a huge cocktail in hand, and Robby has a cute younger brother with a more natural hair color.

OMG. I kind of want JoJo and Robby’s mother to run away together! She’s already on her 2nd or 3rd drink? I love it. Maybe’s Robby’s mom can be the next Bachelorette?

And Robby’s mom might be into it too!  “JoJo is adorable.”

Robby’s brothers are also not immune from love: “She’s awesome, she’s so cool. She can definitely hang.”

This conversation goes on without any of the men setting down their wine glasses. It’s honestly the most I’ve ever liked Robby. 

(But then I remember this)

(But then I remember this)

“He is the most in touch with his feelings.” JoJo tells Robby’s mom, of Robby. That’s nice for a mom to hear! Robby’s mom then basically asks “if there’s anything involving the mysterious drama surrounding Robby’s ex-girlfriend that you have questions about, just ask!” Also good at creating drama, that Robby’s mom!  

JoJo and Robby’s mom are basically gal pals already, I love it. “I am certainly falling in love with him.” JoJo tells her new best friend.

Robby’s mom: “AWWWWW!” Omg their chemistry is off the hook. I feel as torn as JoJo does.  I hope Robby’s mom likes being a sister mom-in-law!

Robby’s mom sits Robby down to dish gossip and drink wine. She tells him that Robby’s ex girlfriend’s roommate has been making allegations that Robby broke up with his ex to get on the show.

Robby looks upset. Again, I don’t love Robby for JoJo, but if I could construct a dream team family, it’d be Robby’s mom, Chase’s mom, Chase’s baby nephew, Jordan’s mom, and anyone in Luke’s family that’s nice and sweet. And Luke. And lots and lots of wine.

JoJo is having more gal time with Robby’s sisters or sisters-in-law (unclear)? All drinking tons of wine, all loving life. Robby quickly comes in and ruins everything to have a treatise on his love life.

JoJo is all “you ruined gal time for THAT?”

This is all convoluted, manufactured, and boring. Can we get back to wine drinking and living la dolce vita? I’m almost positive there is a plastic wine glass somewhere in that house with those words on it.

JoJo gets right to the point and asks him if he broke up with his ex when he found out he was on the show. He’s all “my stars, no!”

Elsewhere, Robby’s mom and the two other daughters gossip and drink wine. I’ve never wanted to be on a date on this show more!  

But instead we have to watch the Robby drama because apparently producers don’t realize this audience wants to see itself in the show - drinking wine and judging!  

JoJo once again demands the truth. But no, Robby sticks to his story. I don’t care, so I make like JoJo and drink my wine.

Again, while I don’t like Robby, this is the most relatable and nicest he’s ever been. But then I remember him saying “I’m so excited to see my girlfriend” and I laugh and clear my head of such foolishness.

Are they doing all this close talking and making out in Robby’s mom’s room? CR-eepy. Seriously, there’s so much close up kissing on this show. I’ve kissed people in real life at greater distances.

Robby’s mom seems the saddest to see JoJo go. She’ll write, promise!

JoJo says goodbye to Robby to go visit one of her many other boyfriends. They both stand in the rain and kiss, until JoJo must leave in her limo. As Robby goes inside, they cut dramatically to an umbrella he left on the lawn. Is he so rich that he considers umbrellas to be disposable after one use?

(This image is insane but I put too much work into it to turn back now)

(This image is insane but I put too much work into it to turn back now)

JoJo has gone to Texas!  Luke looks as Luke as ever. JoJo is THRILLED to see Luke. She’s wearing the boots he got her in the very first episode!

They stroll around the town square and do Texas stuff. Luke tells JoJo he has a surprise for her, and pronounces the word “surprise” like “surpriiiiisah.” It’s utterly charming.

The surpriiiiiisah is that he’s taking her to the middle of nowhere for a cookout! And the whole town is invited! Luke introduces his mom, dad, sister, and about 50 townspeople. Luke’s sister is GORGEOUS btw. Everyone seems to love Luke, and I’m not immune.

There’s a baby floating around somewhere, and Luke smiles the most I’ve ever seen when he sees the baby! These romance novels practically write themselves.

Luke asks his mom for advice. She approves, naturally.  Duh. Luke poses the same question of his dad. “She is so engaging and friendly. She’s beautiful.” DOUBLE DUH.

Luke’s dad is wearing a cowboy hat, and I’d think he was laying it on thick, but I’ve been to Texas and it’s practically mandatory there.  Luke’s dad says that Luke shouldn't make a decision under pressure. LOL. Luke’s dad! So naive. You clearly know nothing of how love (on a reality show) works.

Luke’s dad tears up a little while talking about how much he loves Luke, and it’s really, really sweet. UGH, JoJo. Do the right thing! But I’m so concerned you won’t!

(Nothing snarky to say - this is sweet!)

(Nothing snarky to say - this is sweet!)

JoJo declares her love.....for Luke’s father’s BBQ! Turns out Luke has learned everything from him when it comes to grilling meat. JoJo what are you waiting for?!?!

Again, this must be so weird for the families that have to go through this charade. Can you stop to think about what it’d be like to see the Hipster’s family? Or Vinny’s?  Or god forbid, the Drunk Canadian’s?! I imagine his home is nothing but cardboard cutouts of stock footage characters and funhouse mirrors.

("Welcome to my home!!!!!")

("Welcome to my home!!!!!")

Luke leads JoJo by horseback to a couch made of hay bales aka a perfect locale to talk about feelings. JoJo wants to know if Luke is in love with her because she’s collects hearts like some people collect antique spoons.  

JoJo and Luke make a cute couple, for the record. Also the lighting is PERFECT for this heart to heart. Nature’s first green is gold!

Luke’s hair lock is falling perfectly down the middle of his forehead. Oh yeah, and he wants a future with JoJo!

“I want us.”  He says. Then he intensely kisses her in that manner he has. Jesus. I feel like I’m watching a Nicholas Sparks movie but I’m INVESTED in it.

I’m a little concerned about how JoJo is reacting to all this. She’s not down on one knee proposing, instead she’s just nervously babbling. If she’s thinking about Robby, Chase, or god forbid, Jordan, I’ll be very disappointed in you JoJo!

Because he’s a cartoon character of romance, he walks her down a candlelight lane to a heart made of flower petals and tells JoJo that his heart is hers. He tears up. Ohmgyod.

(JoJo. Don't be a fool.)

(JoJo. Don't be a fool.)

JoJo smirks like “knew it!”  

If you’d have told me during the first episode that I’d be rooting for SMALL TOWN LUKE, I’d have laughed at you and also questioned the logistics of time travel.

Too soon, it's time to part. Luke and JoJo reluctantly say goodbye. I miss Luke already.

Now we’re In Los Angeles! Robby arrives at an airport hangar for the rose ceremony! If he gets a rose, he’s getting on the private plane! Have these people never heard of budget travel?

Then Chase arrives! Next is Luke! And he’s brought something with him! Specifically.....his love for JoJo!

Jordan also arrives and he’s in love with JoJo and presumably so is his hair.  His jaw looks nearly too chiseled.  Like it’s fake?

JoJo arrives in a shiny blue number, greeted by Contestant Chris! They hug!!!! But she is already crying. This is going to be tough.

She says she needs to say goodbye to Luke, and I ACTUALLY GASP. And so does Harris!

I wonder why the producers showed us her confessional. Was it to dull the shock of what was to come? Because this is the dumbest decision I’ve seen in all my several weeks of watching this show.

JoJo is about to give out the first rose. It’s very tense.

But first! Luke asks if he can talk to JoJo first! She, relieved, says “yea” and takes him out of the hangar. Of course, he wants to talk to her about love. Specifically, his love for her. Even more to the point, he’s IN LOVE with her.

God, this seems SO GENUINE. I really believe that Luke loves her. More so than Robby, more than Chase, especially more than Jordan.

Everything he says next is basically ripped from my soon to be published romance novel: Night of a Thousand Lukes.

On his love: “It’s been the only thing on my mind since then.”
On JoJo’s feelings after she left:  “I don’t know how you left that night. How you felt.”

“Thank you.” JoJo says, and I truly don’t know what to feel!  She walks away and says “Fuck!!”

“Of course this changes things, but is it enough?”JoJo says to herself/a producer. She’s full on weeping.  

“What if I make a mistake?” oJo asks. If she chooses anyone but Luke, she will be.

(#love)

(#love)

She collapses.  “What do I do?”

Oh man.  

TO BE CONTINUED!

 

Your Weekend Reading List: Sex, Babies, and Confucianism

Your Weekend Reading List: Sex, Babies, and Confucianism

Can you BELIEVE these stars are the SAME AGE?

Can you BELIEVE these stars are the SAME AGE?