The Bachelorette - Episode 7!!
Episode 7: in like a lion, out like a lamb, as they say.
I have a full scale meltdown when I see an adorable cat within the first few seconds of this episode and worry that I’ve already witnessed the most interesting part of this hour come and go.
But I have no time to worry, because JoJo is walking her and her knee high boots out of the PLAZA HOTEL! She’s going somewhere, if you must know.
The men, meanwhile, are all processing their emotions.
Luke is talking about the “emotional roller coaster of a rose ceremony” they just endured, but without ANY emotion in his voice! How does he do that?!
Alex is still pissed that he hasn’t already married and impregnated JoJo. Is it too soon to say I miss Chad?
Contestant Chris comes in to prod the men about their feelings and announce the date lineup for this episode: Three 1-on-1 dates! 1 group date!
JoJo has her first date with........ALEX! The guy who was just talking about how he had to have a one on one date?! You don’t say? What great drama and what quick payoff.
Luke gives Alex a high five. “Yay! Good luck with the girl I profess to be falling for!!”
I’d never say this to her, but I think JoJo is going a little heavy on the foundation.
Alex and JoJo’s date commences! The first stretch is a drive to the countryside! Alex charms JoJo with thumb wrestling and other games of chance.
Yet Alex says “JoJo needs to give ME more.” JoJo is not a never-ending well of giving, Alex. She has other boyfriends she needs to attend to!
The rest of the men take a rickety looking party bus to the countryside. Honestly it looks a lot more fun than the car of feelings with Alex and JoJo.
The Jeep of feelings does now have Alex chips, though! Major upgrade.
“It’s nice and comfortable!” JoJo, she of the PASSION, says of hanging with Alex. I have a feeling this is not going well.
The men back on the bus perform a rap about how short Alex is, the refrain being how he needs a stool to get on a horse!!!! Oh snap, that’s ice cold. Though it’s hard to take such an insult seriously when it comes from James Taylor, literally the whitest man of all time apart from a portrait of Jesus hanging in a suburb of Wichita, and Robby, who is proudly sporting leisure slippers at this very moment.
Sensing a theme of the episode, Alex says he can freestyle about anything, and promptly spins a tale of JoJo going to a liquor store. She’s not as charmed as he no doubt expected!
This all looks very boring. I guess driving somewhere as a date is a boring date! Sorry Alex. The only thing funner than being on a bad date, I imagine, is watching a bad date! Sorry me.
Alex is sitting in such a way that he’s got both hands on opposite car doors, as if he’s preparing to shield JoJo from a crash that doesn’t happen. This dude is obsessed with car crashes.
They arrive at a ranch in the Argentinian countryside! But truthfully JoJo has more chemistry with the “real life gauchos” that welcome her than she does with Alex.
The first step is for Alex to dress in a floppy beret, scarf, and thick belt! He looks actually looks pretty good, unsurprisingly.
“You are a cute little gaucho.” JoJo says approvingly. Enough with the short jokes!
“Is this what the females look like?” JoJo asks their hosts while pointing to her boot-cut suede bottoms. They are just Argentinian ranchers, JoJo, they aren’t a different species!
Meanwhile, the men stop at a truck stop and eat a lot of unidentified meat and complain that they aren’t with JoJo. Jordan claims he’s “the pickiest eater there is,” which is just a super fun quality in an adult man.
Back on the date, JoJo and Alex ride horses and hold hands, aka probably every teenaged girls fantasy. Also, for a 1-on-1 date, there sure are 3 horses, 3 dogs, and a gaucho also on this date, so why isn’t Alex complaining more?
There are lots of cute sheep! Did the producers realize this would prob be a boring episode and stocked it with cute animals?
To strengthen the animal themes of the episode, Alex is doing a duckface. Then he and JoJo watch a demonstration of man’s domination over a horse as a gaucho mounts one and brings it to the ground.
I don’t even want to think about what’s on JoJo’s mind.
“Slowly this horse starts to give in to him....” She narrates breathily.
Once the horse has been dominated, JoJo and Alex are offered run of him. “You can spoon on the leg of the horse!” The gauchos tell them. I hope this horse got overtime.
JoJo and Alex lay on the horse's neck while a gaucho watches while reclined on the butt of the horse. They kiss and rest against the horse, who is like “are you fuckers done yet?”
“I have not ever felt so willing to fall in love with someone.” Alex allows.
“You can lean over and kiss me!” JoJo changes the subject.
They kiss, the horse neighs in protest, more romance nonsense.
Meanwhile, the guys pull up to “one of the nicest polo clubs in the word,” according to Luke. I’ll take your word for it, Luke!
But yet we’re quickly back to the date!
Alex and JoJo go on their dinner date, and it seems like a very romantic environment. And there’s a very romantic dog that goes straight up to JoJo, who is delighted to pet it!
JoJo says she and Alex had SO MUCH FUN today!
“Today is just confirmation that somehow I’m still here.” Alex, who says shit like this all the time, says. Uh yup Alex, being there is proof that you are there.
Mercifully we cut back to the other dudes! DATE CARDS are being delivered!
“I’ll take 1 guy 1 girl any day of the week!” James Taylor says. Wow, interesting threesome choice, James T! 1 guy, 1 girl, one James Taylor. I did not see that twist coming.
Jordan gets the first 1 on 1 date. “Let’s toast to love,” the card reads. A visit to an exciting toast factory! What romance!
Back at the present date, Alex decides that he needs JoJo to know, he really needs her to know that he thinks, neigh, he KNOW’S he’s falling in love with her! So he blurts it out.
JoJo looks concerned. If this were Jordan, she’d have entered heat already. She actually looks upset. “I don’t really know what to think about it.”
“I feel amazing right now.” Alex counters.
“Today is the best day I’ve had with you.” JoJo begins. (It’s also the only day you’ve had with just him, I’d say if I were on this date too)
But then....BOMBSHELL! “When you’re telling me you’re falling in love with me, it doesn’t make me as excited as it should.” JoJo!!!!
My reaction: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (an actual scream escapes my lips).
Harris’s reaction: “My goodness!”
“In my heart, I don’t feel like I will get to that point.” JoJo goes on. She says she needs to send Alex home rather than string him along all week, because she’s a good person.
Alex is really upset and can’t believe it. He gets up angrily and walks out, JoJo trailing him and trying to comfort him.
“I’m so sorry.” JoJo, full of emotion.
“It’s ok.” Alex responds, very short (NOT A PUN).
Alex can’t really say much because he just told her (and America!) that he was falling in love with her, and now she’s sending him home.
In the goodbye limo, Alex is not pleased. He’s not weeping like Derrick, but he is silently fuming. Poor Alex. So cute.
I would have sent you home too.
I’m disappointed we don’t get to see the men react to Alex’s departure. Instead, the next day Jordan is shown being whisked off to his 1-on-1 with JoJo. First he’s in a limo, then he’s with JoJo in a private jet on their way to wine tasting. How come he gets all the good dates? Alex’s date was just to drive somewhere and watch some horse/human dry humping!
After some smooching and a bumpy landing, they’re in Mendoza, Argentina! They pull up to a vineyard! For the record, the move south of the Equator has had zero effect on the height of Jordan’s hair.
JOrdan. JOJO. Illuminati??!
Today they are crushing grapes to make wine. Jordan is shown removing his socks and shoes but NOT washing his feet before he steps on the grapes. And just as quickly as she can, JoJo moves into Jordan’s wine barrel. Then they scoop up the grape juice and do a “wine tasting” of the “grape juice they just smashed with their unwashed feet.” And the verdict?
“It’s actually pretty good!” They both agree.
As JoJo’s contract dictates that she is never more than 100 feet from a hot tub, they of course eventually find themselves in one! Not that I need to tell you this, but they kiss.
Jordan says that he’s so excited to introduce JoJo to his parents! Are people that happy to introduce their partners to their families? I thought it was a common trope that you tried to stall the meeting as long as possible?
Back at the house, it’s revealed that the 3-on-1 lineup is:
Luke gets the 1-on-1!
All evidence to the contrary, Robby says: “In my eyes, I’m the front runner.”
Back on the date, Jordan announces: “I can’t wait to eat!” Be prepared for a lifetime of such dazzling conversation, JoJo.
JoJo and Jordan have dinner and reflect on their day. “We flew to Mendoza and made wine!” Jordan exclaims. Does he think JoJo has severe short term memory loss? She likely can remember what happened just earlier that day, Jordan.
Jordan assures JoJo he’s feeling great about the potential for hometown dates, and he lists the people JoJo would be meeting. Conspicuously absent is his little brother AARON! Turns out Jordan and his older brother Luke are very close (JEEZ this is confusing, there’s a Luke on this show too! What gives?!). And why are Jordan and Aaron not close?
“The way he’s chosen to do life.” Jordan reveals, ominously.
Aaron (Rodgers, for those following along with this nonsense) probably doesn’t even know that Jordan’s on this show (if he hasn’t set a google alert for the Bachelorette yet). Jordan goes on about his family, football, on not being entitled, etc. JoJo is fascinated. All I’ll say is that fascination is a good look for her. They flirt some more. Jordan says “I am so in love with you.”
I actually gasp. Damn this show.
“It’s been a couple weeks since I knew it was happening.” Jordan says.
UGH. Do I believe this?
“It’s so real.” Jordan responds.
Well ok, Jordan!
“That makes me so happy.” JoJo says. And truly, she’s thrilled. Remember how she reacted when Alex said this same thing earlier this episode? Yeah, Jordan is not due for a goodbye limo anytime soon. What must it be like for so many people to declare their love for you in such a short period of time?
Jordan and JoJo smooch some more. Jordan wants to bring JoJo home so his family can fall in love with her too. Interesting erotic twist!
Coming up! James Taylor shoves 10000 french fries into his mouth. Robby says it’s “not the way I would have gone about it,” while then shown removing his pants.
The next day, it’s RAINING! Such drama. I promise this will become relevant shortly.
Back to the PLAZA HOTEL! Remember when I said it was raining? Well the date the men were supposed to go on is cancelled. Today? Well, “We’re just going to kick it today” the card promises.
According to JoJo, this means having a hotel party aka “The perfect slumber party!” James Taylor declares that he's “bringing his A game,” which apparently entails JoJo forcibly shoving giant french fries in his mouth until he nearly retches.
“My suite! My rules!” JoJo announces, which apparently means the dudes have to massage each other in a row. That’s not a lie! That really happened!
Finally, as was fated to happen, it’s time to play Truth or Dare. Robby is first and he unwisely chooses dare.
“I dare you to strip down to your underwear.” JoJo demands, and it’s one of Chekhov's rules that if Truth or Dare is being played, JoJo will demand male nudity almost immediately.
Of course that was going to be JoJo’s first demand.
Robby’s peels off his clothing to reveal that his fake tan extends all the way down his body. He runs through the halls of a hotel where no doubt innocent people who want no part of this are staying.
“Give us your butt!” James Taylor demands! Robby obliges.
“It was all in the pursuit of love.” He says, unconvincingly.
Later! The three dudes and one JoJo are laying in bed, watching TV. James Taylor chooses this as the perfect time to SNITCH on Robby for checking out other chicks while they’ve been traveling.
Robby says James is lying about this totally believable thing. James Taylor counters that they call Robby the extremely unwieldy nickname of: “Wandering Eye Robby.”
Robby is PISSED OFF. I’d be pissed too if I had such a lame nickname! How about Slutty Buddy? Rob the Nob? Fake Tan Man? I came up with those in 10 seconds, James Taylor, feel free to use ANY of them!
James Taylor is lying across JoJo, Chase, and Robby while they watch the Brazilian version of the Bachelorette. This actually looks like a date I’d excel in, no joke.
JoJo takes Robby outside to sit on a bench aka time for a very serious talk. They’ve been drinking all day, remember. I love having a serious conversation after a lot of alcohol.
Robby promises that next week with his family will be a “deal changer.” He then uses this time to trash talk his ex. What a classy move! I’m assuming he’s disparaging her to make the bomb he’s about to drop less shocking, which is that they broke up 4 1/2 months ago!
“Oh, wow.” JoJo reacts. “Do you feel like you’ve moved on in that short amount of time?”
“Yes, I’m definitely moved on.” Robby says. I don’t really care, because I feel like if I cut Robby in half to examine him I’m not sure I could identify any normal feelings inside of him. Oh shit. Have I been drinking all day?
Again, how fun it must be to be an ex of one of these guys while they trash your years together on national TV! True love!!
Then, it’s JoJo and Chase time! Again, I wonder how JoJo can act enamored of ALL these guys!?
Next up for a serious chat is Chase! And guys? Chase is nervous.
“What part are you nervous about?” JoJo asks as she grabs her wine. I sort of zone out. Chase has yet more issues with other men being on this show about a bunch of men trying to date one woman.
“I do want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Chase finally confesses. WOWIE! 4 declarations of love in one episode and we still have half an hour left! How can one person be so lovable?
Then JoJo and James Taylor drink wine together. Who will James Taylor snitch on tonight? Seriously, this dude has the loosest lips this side of JoJo!
He also seems DRUNK, for the record. Drunk or nervous? Drunk AND nervous?
James Taylor asks JoJo if she has more of a physical relationship with the other guys. JAMES TAYLOR!!!!!
JoJo says she loves James Taylor’s qualities, etc. But only emotional ones...hmmmmm very curious. James Taylor says JoJo is the woman his parents have been wishing for him. And then, this:
“I am very much in the process of falling for you.”
Sorry James Taylor, that won't cut it anymore! We’ve got several declarations of full love on the table. Are you going to up the ante?
Or course, they make out. This IS the woman James Taylor’s parents have been wishing for him, someone to mack with.
James Taylor, still drunk, chats with Robby, also drunk, and Chase, unclear, about who is going home. Robby is mad that all the guys are not agreeing with him that he’s the front runner.
JoJo returns! James Taylor says he’s almost guaranteed a rose.
.......So of course the rose goes to Robby! James Taylor looks stricken. Chase, true to form, has no expression.
“My family's incredible.” Robby says with a real New England snob accent. Glad to see he’s so comfortable with his archetype.
Robby and JoJo get to spend more time together on this date, which means make out time, naturally. James Taylor and Chase have to drive home in a nerdy minivan. Either Chase or James Taylor is going home. James Taylor looks like he’s finally sobering up.
JoJo and Robby make out while a lightning storm rages in the background, not metaphorically.
The next day, it looks like JoJo is back for some horse mounting. This time, it’s just her and Luke and a mini pony, Snowflake! Aw, I’ll come out with it. Snowflake is my favorite. And while I’m in the business of shocking reveals, I’ll say that Luke is my favorite human man left in this competition.
“Luke is the total package.” JoJo seems to agree!
While Luke is saddling the horse (a new, full-size model) and talking about what it takes to train and break a wild horse, he looks like the literal cover of a romance novel. How can JoJo resist this?
Today’s date is riding horses and skeet shooting!
“He can get his hands dirty and still look gooooood doing it.” JoJo, hilariously, says. Glad to see all this love nonsense hasn’t dulled her desire for MAN!
Luke sexily instructs JoJo how to shoot by standing behind her and guiding her. I know this was all produced, but this is a very SENSUOUS date.
After some instruction, JoJo succeeds in shooting a skeet (??) and she freaks out with excitement and kisses Luke.
But then it’s back to wine! Turns out Luke is pretty well spoken about his feelings, and as such, he talks about his feelings. Sensibly he hasn’t yet declared his love for JoJo because he’s only known her for a few weeks and he’s the only man on this show who isn’t a maniac who wields love like a weapon.
He narrates what he’d like his future to be life with a partner, and JoJo is smitten. Then he intensely kisses her. They make out on a hay bale.
JoJo reports that she already knows who she’s sending home, so once Luke returns from the date it’s up to him to reveal to the other dudes that there’s no rose ceremony tonight.
“WHAT!” James Taylor is truly shocked.
I’m glad I won’t have to suffer through another one of these cocktail events. I hope whoever’s murder is coming up will be quick and they'll be dispensed with efficiently.
The men arrive at the rose ceremony by horsed chariot, flanked by yet more majestic horses. They pull up to a structure that really doesn’t look like much.
“It’s like the Alamo, if you ask me.” James Taylor exclaims. Well Ok!
JoJo arrives in a slinky little black number. Has every gown JoJo worn been covered in sequins? That’s a rhetorical question as I know the answer to that better than anyone not including JoJo’s sequin stylist.
JoJo talks about how she was so nervous at this point last season, so she understands how hard it is. That’s nice!
“I would be the luckiest girl to end up with any of you.” JoJo professes to all the men. Way to make a guy feel special, JoJo!
The roses are dispensed as such:
- Jordan (I actually typed that before she announced it, I was so confident!)
It’s down to Chase and James Taylor, as predicted. Personally, I’d send them both home. And then also send Robby and Jordan home and just spend the rest of the week with Luke. And the rest of my life?!!?!?
The tension mounts by way of dramatic piano music.
The rose goes to.............CHASE!
James Taylor is very unhappy.
Contestant Chris shows up to tell James Taylor to get out immediately. Does he also act as a bouncer in case an eliminated guy has a sit-in protest?
JoJo asks if she can sit down with James Taylor and talk about the many reasons he was not right for her. How fun for James Taylor!
JoJo is really weeping. JoJo wishes that he’d find someone that is great for him
“Thank you for being so sweet to me.” James Taylor says and I actually go “awwwww.” That’s really heartbreaking! James Taylor is crying, JoJo is crying, it’s a whole advertisement for kleenex.
Back to Texas with you James Taylor! You’re going to get a ton of rebound action, so you’ll be just fine.
JoJo, on the other hand, is left with three yahoos and one reasonable choice. I’m very concerned about her reasoning, so I’m saving all my tears for the finale.
She sits by herself on a park bench and cries.
Next week! Hometown visits! Robby is being dishonest! (I know because his lips are moving)
JoJo: “My heart is broken”