The Bachelorette / Episode #4!
I will never be the same after seeing this episode. It's now part of my DNA.
Harris is back, but like Sarah Palin warned, he’s come back different. Lola is as different as ever, and no giant ants have attempted to penetrate my home as a result.
Can this accurately be described as a “television event?”
This episode starts with Chad’s soliloquy:
“Generally I’m not here to start issues with any of you guys.” He begins. “You’re a good guy I’m sure probably.” He gestures at Derick.
“But what of my t-shirt and my apology?” Evan cries.
“Alright I’ll give you 20 bucks.”
Hahahahahah! Ace passive aggressive apology, Chad! Though to be honest that shirt cost $9.99 at best.
Wells uses the word “coexist.” How did he end up on this show?
Chad promises that he won't be violent, while I notice that both Chad and Evan are wearing necklaces. You’d think they’d get along better upon discovering they have so much in common.
After this fight, Chad goes outside to play solo with some pool noodles. It’s a mournful scene.
Meanwhile, JoJo arrives (in her bathing suit) to have a pool party!
“Everyone else take their shirts off!” She demands.
The many, many men and JoJo are shown taking shots and drinking cups of alcohol and enjoying cocktails. The men line up and fall into the pool à la Esther Williams, which delights JoJo, but Evan being Evan has to go and get bloodied.
Evan is “just pouring blood out of his nose,” Jordan accurately points out. JoJo accuses Chad of harming him, but it’s just a fever dream because Chad is actually “100 feet away,” as he accurately points out.
“Apparently Evan bleeds just thinking about me!” Chad exclaims.
Meanwhile in a romantic aside, Jordan and JoJo smack mouths a bit. JoJo is drinking so it makes sense I guess.
Jordan is also wearing a chunky necklace. It occurs to me that maybe these are the men’s microphones.
JoJo is utterly handsy. Jordan tries (and fails) to avoid looking directly at the camera.
“You’re just so smooth and great,” JoJo says of Jordan. Blah.
“Well it’s not an act.” Jordan assures her, thereby assuring me that it’s an act. When is that ever an appropriate response?
“Oh, thanks for stopping by to feed my cat while I was out of town.”
“Well, it’s not an act.”
“Thanks for coming to my grandmother’s funeral. Your support meant a lot to me.””
“Well, it’s not an act.”
“Thank you for marrying me.”
“Well, it’s not an act.”
And so on.
They smooch some more, and rest assured, it’s gross.
A hummingbird flaps his wing and flies away. How can one episode contain such drama?
Shots of the contestants frolicking with JoJo and (mostly) each other.
“Even Chad seems to be having fun!”JoJo declares, as the editors cut to a shot of Chad eating meat alone.
“Chad is calm, Chad is friendly. He’s minding his own business.” JoJo describes, not inaccurately. She sounds like she’s telling the story of the first time she brought her rescue pup to the dog park.
“Man, you’re lathered up!” Our girl JoJo says to Chad. I’m glad the more things change, the more they stay the same in regards to her extreme horniness and also extreme commitment to narrating her desire every chance she gets.
JoJo and Chad chat and the only thing they seem to have in common is the exact same tone of their tanned skin.
JoJo calls Chad out for calling her out for calling Evan’s name out.
“If you had any interest in Evan then......then what am I doing here? We’re just completely opposite ends of the spectrum.” Chad says.
“Right." JoJo agrees.
“Do you want ice cream or do you want steak?” Chad asks, and right on cue, Evan weasels his way up and asks if he and his goatee can grab JoJo for a second.
For the record, Evan is neither ice NOR steak. What’s the name for a dinner you order in a restaurant and then you get it and you don’t like it, but what can you do? You can’t order another entree during the same dinner! So you just push it around and assure the waiter that no, no you don’t want your Evan wrapped up to go.
Evan is also wearing the weird chunky beaded necklace, so I’m going to either confirm it is some sort of microphone device, or all the guys got a great price on some wholesale jewelry.
JoJo talks to Evan about Chad, which must feel great for Evan.
“I bet 97% of these guys conversations were probably about myself.” Chad says, and again, he’s 97% correct.
Cut to Alex talking about “24/7 Chad in your face.” That sounds like something I’d be more concerned about if I were him.
Chad’s only respite is the Drunk Canadian.
JoJo and Derrick build on their romantic date by talking about....you guessed it: CHAD! Derrrick squeals on the situation by revealing that the show brought in a security guard to protect him from Chad’s shifting humors.
Then JoJo and Derrick smooch while Chad regards them with a raised eyebrow!
Later, in the kitchen, Chad confronts Derrrrrick and is all “get your name out of my mouth” and Derick is all “whaaaaat? I’m an innocent!”
The contestants and JoJo then gather in a room when Contestant Chris shows up and JoJo asks: “Where’s Chad?”
Cut to a shot of him alone, ruminating on the nature of discourse and the reality of impermanence. Then he kicks an inflatable pool flamingo.
Chad enters the house again and summons Derrick to his safe space of Airing Feelings and Being Cool Bros. Someone, and I hope to god it’s Evan because it’s hilarious, asks “do you need backup, bro?” Derrick does not, and he follows Chad.
I actually laugh out loud during the next scene. Chad is always good for at least one hilarious exchange:
“Whatever guy like me stole your girlfriend...it wasn’t me.” Chad says while the veins on his body throb alarmingly. Evan is in the other room listening like a creep. The boys all cat-fight some more. They must have already synced up their cycles.
“Perception is reality.” Derrick croons.
Derick then calls Chad out on his misogynistic comments!!!!!! Whaaaaaaat!!! I didn’t know any of these men knew the words to describe their actions, so this is a very surprising twist.
“I guess you stalked her on tv, watching every episode.” Chad tells Derrick. What a terrible burn it is to accuse someone of watching some Bachelor episodes!
Derick is all “yeah I watched last season, so did millions of others.” And why didn’t Chad?
“I work and I live my life.” Chad replies. Hahahaha. FPWM, Chad.
Oh man. Derrick is actually going up a lot in my estimation. Which means that I have about 15 minutes to enjoy before he says something to break my heart again.
The sun sets! Foreshadowing!?? Or just the normal rotation of the earth?
Ha, Derrick is shown gelling his hair. Here we go.
Contestant Chris gets a little alone time with JoJo and they hug. It’s very lewd!
Alex has still not said ANYTHING that isn’t a reference to Chad. What is he going to talk about when Chad is gone?
JoJo enters! The rose ceremony commences!
“Saying goodbye is never easy” JoJo says as they cut to James F.
OOOO our boy Grant is wearing skinny suspenders and is now the owner of a brand new rose.
Derrick gets the next rose.
Jordan gets the next rose, and his spirits are as high as his hair.
Luke gets the next rose! He manages to not change facial expressions at all! Good job Luke.
Then Robby. Blah.
Then Wells. Ok.
At that pick, Chad looks genuinely flummoxed.
James F gets a rose!
Vinny! Ha, JoJo!!! What are you thinking? Did you see how cute Ali looks?
Cut to Alex AGAIN talking about Chad.
The Drunk Canadian is picked next! WHAT!!!!!
Alex gets a rose. DUH. Our girl still has eyes.
THERE IS ONE ROSE LEFT. WHO WILL IT BE? WILL IT BE CHAD?
“I should be getting the rose. I’m not a bad guy.” Chad says.
Yes, it is Chad.
Over Ali?!?!?! Over Christian?
Ok, I’m actually fine with Chad staying because, while I know he’s not going to win, he of course brings a lot of protein powder drama which is far preferable to love drama. I don’t know what I’ll do when he’s gone.
“Good luck on your journey with an amazing girl.” Christian says, which is a classy move and makes me even more shocked she kept Vinny and the Drunk Canadian in favor of getting rid of him. AND ALI!
JoJo announces they are leaving the mansion for good! They are going to Pennsylvania, of course, the most romantic state of the original 13 colonies!
JoJo is shown flying in a biplane. Very out of Africa, very out of Nemacolin Woodlands Resort, which is their next destination!
The men show up in 3 dirty jeeps, apparently in a quest to answer the question of: how many people can say “Nemacolin Woodlands Resort” in casual conversation?
Luke gets the one-on-one date and it’s the first time I’ve seen him smile!
“I’ve got butterflies!” He sighs, which is, presumably, another small town value. (No, I will never let that go. The idea of “small town values” is bullshit.)
Their date is some sort of bastardized dog sled on wheels and no snow through Nemacolin Woodlands Resort gorgeous yet surprisingly affordable resort.
JoJo orders Luke to chop some wood. It’s a working vacation, Luke! And JoJo ain’t paying even minimum wage.
“It’s time to strip down!” JoJo says within about 30 seconds of getting off the dog sled
“Let’s be honest, I really just want to see Luke that his shirt off.” JoJo! You are a walking sexual harassment suit! Then she confides in us, the audience: “He’s in impeccable shape.”
The hot tub is too hot to go into! Is this the real life equivalent of God creating something so beautiful that even he himself cannot gaze upon it?
This may not be the best advertisement for Snorkel Hot Tubs, Product Placement department.
“So hot you’ll get it on! So hot you might get 3rd degree burns!”
JoJo is shown clearly rubbing Luke’s leg under water and flipping her hair. He is pouring his heart out to JoJo and see’s just sipping her champagne and taking him all in with her eyes.
“There is so much about Luke that I like.” JoJo says, specifically pecs, butt, arms, whatever else it is women like about men, etc.
It’s that time in every episode where I have a panic attack because the episode isn’t even half over.
Luke talks about growing up on a ranch. Boring. JoJo calls him a “beautiful GQ model.” Does anyone want to check his eyeglass Rx or her GQ subscription?
The next scene is edited to make it look like Chad is regarding a bear while dipping his feet in a hot tub. Cut to the bear, then cut to Chad flexing his abs. It’s very weird yet very obvious symbolism.
“It’s not a wise decision to poke the Chad bear.” I’d prefer JoJo find love with that bear over Chad, for the record.
The men are shown talking about Luke’s date. Jordan looks desolate. The sadness behind his eyes is tough for a sensitive person to view.
A card arrives with the names for the next date! Regard!
- James T
- James F
“We could go all the way!” JoJo’s card reads. That’s barely a double entendre, JoJo!
The guy’s realize that Alex and Chad, being the only two dudes left, will go on the two-on-one date. How do these dramatic events keep getting set up!?!?!?!
JoJo and Luke eat dinner with a lot more clothes on. JoJo talks about what she likes about Luke while he looks at her and says ‘yeah’ over and over again.
He then reveals he’s been to Afghanistan. It’s very sombre and he’s clearly put a lot of thought into what his service means. He discusses one of his friends who was killed in Afghanistan. It clearly touches JoJo.
They then get a little romantic and a little sappy, but JoJo is LOVING IT. They are going to smooch so soon.
And then they smooch. JoJo has a fabulous manicure, in case you were wondering. She also gives him a rose. No duh. She’s all “I always knew I wanted to bang you, but it turns out you have a personality too!” More close-up kissing.
One-on-one dates are supposed to endear the contestant to JoJo, but it’s also worked to endear me to him. I hate it when this happens.
JoJo then whisks Luke to a venue with a bunch of screaming cell phone owners. They smooch on stage!! How much did people pay for these tickets?
It’s a performance for yet another band I’ve never heard of (Dan + Shay). JoJo and Chase slow dance to either Dan or Shay’s weird falsetto while strangers film them. In most other contexts this would be considered a felony, but on The Bachelorette, it’s romance!
This is all very weird, in case I’m not making that clear.
“I know that Luke would be an amazing husband.” Says JoJo. But what of Chase? What of Alex? What of Ali? Oh wait.
Up next! Chad and Alex’s one-on-one date with each other, and a visit from an accused rapist!
The next day, the crew (minus lovers Alex and Chad) head to Pittsburgh! And what better person to give them the keys to the city than accused rapist and sometimes sports athlete Ben Something or Other.
Robby really really creeps me out. There, it’s out there.
In real life, Lola just came running into the room! She can tell this is unsafe.
A lot of nice things are said about accused rapist Ben Whatever, but weirdly his past of sexual assault allegations is not mentioned.
Two other football dudes come out. The contestants look starstruck and like they know they could see themselves falling for them.
I see a shot of JoJo standing next to accused rapist Ben Dudeface, and I’m scared for her. Get away girl!
Accused rapist Ben Whatshisface asks which one is Aaron Rodger’s brother. She points him out, and then does the role call of all the other guys.
“He’s the one in the blue....he’s a little smaller.” JoJo says to point out Evan. LOL.
UGH accused rapist Ben Himorsomething hugs JoJo, then she runs away as fast as she can.
Jordan is all “I’m a profesh football player or at least I used to be” so he is pretty good at throwing a football, as the dictates of the challenge call for.
Ben Thatguy is shown eating Cheetos and not sexually assaulting someone, which is very out of character for him, allegedly.
Why does ABC have any interest in reviving Ben NameFaceWhatever’s reputation?
James Taylor gets bloodied, but unlike Evan’s gross gusher, his is a sexy eyebrow gash. Nice move James Taylor! He has to get stitches!
“I think I’m fine.” James Taylor says while his head is literally 360 degree bandaged. He wants to keep playing for his girl!
The guys play a game for the prize of a one-on-one date with JoJo. Evan is all “don’t count me out” and the audience is all “nah, we will, sorry dude.”
Alex, Luke, and Chad are shown being forced to hang out in the same room back at the fabulous Nemacolin Woodlands Resort where you only bring your zest for life and a chance at forever!™
These guys bicker and I’m shockingly over this Chad drama. He’s all “the only way I can get Alex to respect me is to hit him.” I, unlike Alex, am over talking about Chad (for the time being at least!).
The guys suit up. Omg, Evan puts his headband over his hair in such a way that his bangs splay out under his hairband. It’s not a good look, surprisingly.
The men play a quick game of football. I use the time to go get a snack.
“I’m in beast mode.” Evan says while his bangs tousle in the wind.
“Your nose is bleeding again!" JoJo points out, much to Evan’s embarrassment and my revulsion. Poor Evan, is what I’d say if I cared at all.
Derrick somehow wrestles the ball away from Wells’s tiny body to score a winning touchdown. Evan, who had less than nothing to do with the win, is elated.
The other side is practically in tears. Does this mean we’re done with this upsetting vignette?
Over at Falling Rock at the too good to be true yet somehow is true Nemacolin Woodlands Resort, the winner team has a cocktail party! “Intimate Time,” JoJo calls it.
Robby is a creepy creep. He’s wearing loafers without socks. Need I say more? Listening to him talk about emotions is weird and I don’t like it and I don’t believe it.
“I’m falling in love with JoJo day by day, and I really can’t wait to see myself on more episodes,” he basically says.
He puts her on a pool table like a true 80s movie villain and they smooch.
JoJo also smooches Derrick. And James Taylor. And Jordan. Girl can get it!
Jordan continues to look like he’s made of wax. “You’re so hard to read!” JoJo tells his plastic face.
Jordan tells JoJo that he’s falling for her, at a coincidentally important time to stay on the show! Elsewhere Evan is all “I can’t believe I’m still here!”
Jordan looks as if he’s caught in a spider web of emotions. Even getting the rose can’t seem to brighten his day or turn his frown upside down.
Robby looks like a human clip art come to life. His chin might even be bigger than Grant’s, but less naked. And still like an 80s movie douche.
The men poke the Chad bear some more. Now that Luke is getting screen time, it’s his turn to lead the brigade.
Chad asks all the guys to raise their hands if they have a problem with him. It seems that only James F. and the Drunk Canadian are exempt from Chad then telling them not to talk to him if they don’t like him. Fair, I guess.
“Don’t ask me for advice, don’t talk to me about my life.” Chad orders.
Alex and Chad get in yet another extremely boring fight with threats of violent, while the Drunk Canadian giggles nearby.
Grant calls Chad a coward, which earns him an invitation to join Chad outside.
Back at the house, Chad and Alex prepare to go on their two-on-one date, bringing down their giant suitcases which, presumably, will carry their dead bodies off the show if they don’t get a life-saving rose transplant.
“When you get home, you think I can’t find you?” Chad asks Jordan. It’s not hard - Jordan lives in Chico, CA, or didn’t you watch the first ep? Go get your man, Chad!
Chad thusly threatens to beat Jordan up after the show is over. Jordan is all “can’t wait to see you and show you the sites!”
“We love Alex.” Jordan says as he compares the two men going on today’s date. Whoa! Too soon, Jordan. You know how JoJo feels about loving two people at once.
Alex’s face looks particularly good today! It makes all the bullshit coming out of his mouth that much more upsetting.
While waiting for his date to start, Chad comes downstairs to join the group and sit directly behind them, which makes them insanely uncomfortable, which makes Chad smile a genuine smile. As James Taylor already informed us, a smile is the only thing inside your body that shows on your outside when you are psychologically dominating every man within a thousand foot radius.
The two-on-one date of this EPIC TV EVENT commences. JoJo is seen wandering in the woods alone, looking lost, while the men are on their way to find her in a helicopter! It’ll be a very short human chain, but hopefully they’ll be able to drag the river with just two men.
The date today is the three of them going hiking along with a film crew. This hike looks very boring. So it’s just like any hike. GAUNTLET THROWN.
Chad and Alex are seen cutting down small branches for some reason. They aren’t in the way, and I see no fire blazing.
Chad and Alex exchange talking head segments about how the other is bad and fake, etc.
They come to rest by a river, and there is a rose dangled dramatically on a plank of wood. The three of them perch on one blanket and it looks very boring and very uncomfortable.
“Do you ever go floating the river?” Chad asks by way of making conversation.
“That’s fun.....” JoJo says noncommittally.
JoJo leads Alex away for some quality time to talk about Chad. Chad says that if Alex talks about him he’ll be bringing home all his teeth. Oh, Chad. Leave only footprints, take only memories.
Alex gives JoJo his anti-Chad speech. Everything he’s saying is very accurate, and JoJo seems most concerned that Jordan’s life was threatened. Girl, play it closer to the chest.
JoJo is again flummoxed about the difference between Chad with her and Chad with 13 guys trying to win her hand. She brings him to a scenic log to discuss further.
What a great television event. Right up there with the (faked) moon landing and the Berlin Wall coming down (faked).
JoJo snitches on Alex snitching on Chad. Chad is all “aw shucks, did he?”
Chad tries to get out of it without lying or actually telling the truth. He says JoJo must also have at one point threatened to find a fellow contestant after their show and beat their asses, and JoJo is all....”god no.”
As the old proverb goes, let he who has never threatened to pound a fellow bro after the taping of one’s season cast the first stone.
JoJo and Chad get into a little tiff about getting into tiffs. What a fun life that would be together. JoJo wisely leaves.
Chad angrily throws his coffee mug into the stream. Chad, do we have to have another talk about good stewardship?
JoJo cries a little about Chad and his undefendable behavior and his mom passing away. That’s not your problem, JoJo. It’s sweet that you are sweet, but you don’t make excuses for violence.
Chad is shown stalking towards Alex, set to very dramatic tension music. I’m not too worried about Alex’s safety because he’s a former Marine, but I guess I’ll let the tension build. Another world class Chad threat is on the way!
“I’m not very happy with you,” begins Chad’s ominous and hyper-violent threat.
“I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. Chad tells him, and I genuinely LOL.
“Life ain’t all blueberries and paper airplanes, ya know what I mean?” Chad says. Um...no, I don’t know what ya mean. Alex seems to agree though.
“We can definitely agree on that." He agrees!
Chad talks about beating up Alex up in a theoretical sense.
Alex retorts back: “The second you told me you were a Marine in this house, I thought we were going to be best friends.”
HERE IS THE SOURCE OF ALL ALEX’S ANGST! He’s upset that he lost a future with his potential best friend. Wow. Talk about being here for the wrong reasons.
Chad is all “the Drunk Canadian is the one for me sorry.”
I’m not sure I’ve ever threatened to beat someone up (to their face), while these guys can’t seem to get through a coffee date without threatening the lives of everyone around them.
The men then devolve into a truly bizarre Got Milk commercial:
Chad: “Have a glass of milk. Chill out.”
Alex: “Don’t like milk.”
Chad: “You should, milk’s delicious.”
Then JoJo returns! She sits between them. It’s awkward.
JoJo asks Chad: “Have you threatened anyone in the house?”
“It’s not 100% false.” Chad replies. #sorrynotsorry #truenottrue
With that, JoJo grabs the rose and tells Chad she doesn’t think he’s the person she thought he was. She offers the rose to Alex, who is so happy to accept it and even happier to get rid of Chad.
Chad stalks away while angrily drinking his coffee out of his mug (I guess it was retrieved from the river).
“Am I getting pranked right now?” Chad demands of no one in particular.
It’s weird - JoJo just rushes away with Alex and doesn’t even say goodbye to Chad. What an ignoble way to end your run, Chad.
This leads to JoJo and Alex smooching in the forest and Alex looks like a good kisser!
Chad says some not very nice things about JoJo! I’m shocked, shocked that his attraction so quickly turned to anger, resentment, and entitlement!
The men drink champagne and deploy poppers in celebration of Chad being sent home and to relax their muscles.
Chad is shown wandering in the woods as the night wears on. Are they ever going to release him?
“I’m really glad that doesn’t have to be a topic for us anymore.” JoJo says, of Chad, and Alex has an “aw shit, what do we talk about now?” look on his face.
The cliffhanger shows Chad at the door, coming back to cunt-front the other contestants like a villain in a horror movie, knocked on the door and dragging his fingers down the glass ominously. I literally lol.
HUNK OF THE WEEK
JoJo. Sorry, but I can't pick a better hunk.
MVP of the WEEK
Chad. He made me LOL so many times I thought I could LOL no more.