THE BACHELORETTE! Episode TWO!

THE BACHELORETTE! Episode TWO!

I can’t believe I find myself here yet again.  It’s too early even to be drinking red wine in a non-vacation setting.  Lola is nowhere to be found and my boyfriend’s body hasn’t yet washed ashore, so, for one episode only, I’m doing this alone.

(Well, not totally alone)

(Well, not totally alone)

As I can’t believe I’m here, neither can JoJo believe she’s the bachelorette! Which is odd because this is the second episode, she’s filmed all those promos, and she’s already demonstrated a belief in Santa, so her threshold for belief isn’t what one would call high

She also describes this as a dream come true and I fully agree, a dream come true along the lines of my teeth falling down the back of my throat, a good friend dying, or registering for a class and then forgetting to attend until the final.

Side note: the lighting for JoJo’s confessional is just gorgeous.  Is there an Creative Emmy for that?

(Just gorgeous)

(Just gorgeous)

Speaking of Emmy’s, there’s also one around the corner for whoever edited this episode.  James F. declares what a great group of guys they have, “great guys” being a theme well-established in the first episode, and asserts “there’s not any one guy that I would say is a jerk.”  IMMEDIATELY CUT TO Chad, looking sinister.  So in other words, it’s just Chad being Chad.

Has there ever been a great Chad?  I don’t believe there has.  Feel free to send me some great Chads in History, because I’m drawing a blank.

(Pictured: not Chad, not Chad, not Chad, not Chad, not Chad)

(Pictured: not Chad, not Chad, not Chad, not Chad, not Chad)

Contestant Chris shows up (I guess he’s a late sleeper) with news!  He gathers the other contestants to him and solemnly weaves the fraught tale of the one-on-one date, which is a double-edged sword as the ancient prophecies have foretold.  If you are chosen for a one-on-one date and don’t get a rose, you automatically go home, and this actually makes me gasp.

A realization comes over me: I’ve been trying to keep myself distant from this process but I, like all the men, have already fallen in love after just one episode.  Also like all the men, I fear it’s the kind of love that will turn into a restraining order.

Contestant Chris then bids adieu to the rest of the guys and promises to see them at the next rose ceremony.  I’m left with two thoughts: there’s something up with Contestant Chris, and I’ve never seen such muscle-bound macho men go absolutely bananas at the mention of a “rose ceremony.”  This show has a power.

(Pictured: dude stuff)

(Pictured: dude stuff)

Erectile Evan  and his stupid leather jacket are both given the honor of reading aloud the “First Date Card.”  The following men are summoned:

  1. Luke
  2. Grant
  3. Will
  4. Evan
  5. Daniel
  6. Vinny
  7. Ali
  8. James F
  9. Wells
  10. Robby

He called his own name, so I cry foul.  There’s no way JoJo wants to spend time with him - unless she’s just after a Viagra script.  That JoJo is wiley!  

Then a different muscle-bound macho man says “just knowing that JoJo is on her way, picking us up for our date, gives me butterflies.”

Well, you and 9 other dudes, Robby.

Then tragedy strikes as the limo carrying JoJo erupts into an inferno and the remaining contestants are forced to watch as their potential future wife, the mother of their children, is burned alive!  This is certainly drama of a different variety from the infamous “belly-button-gate” of last episode.

(All perished in the fire. RIP)

(All perished in the fire. RIP)

“You could feel the heat coming off this thing” Chad says, and it’s truly surprising to me that he can identify a feeling.

Chase dumbly asks “I’m thinking ‘is JoJo in there, should I grab a fire extinguisher?’”  If she is, she’s already gone Chase, and you doing an interview about what you should have done isn’t going to bring her back.  

Also is Alex going to get to show off the outrageous skills mentioned in his official biography?

Then a fire truck arrives.  Because this show has all the subtlety of using a brick to kill a butterfly, they immediately cut to a reaction shot from Firefighter Grant.  

JoJo hasn’t been burned alive as we were lead to believe after all!  She’s in the fire truck!  The hipster is interviewed about how cute she looks in her firefighter costume, and I still haven’t bothered to learn his name.  I’m hoping JoJo won’t either.  But News at 11, she does look VERY cute in her costume!

(Exhibit A: Cute!)

(Exhibit A: Cute!)

Since this show loves puns more than it loves love, St. Nick is allowed to say “she was smoking.  The limo wasn’t the only thing on fire.”  My eyes are also on fire from the extreme rolling motion I’m putting them through.

JoJo is given a giant metaphor to hose off the burning limo.  That limo was ONE day from retirement.

(Fun game: contrast Grant's face with Chad's!)

(Fun game: contrast Grant's face with Chad's!)

Are you surprised that Chad was at one point a car salesman? Be honest.

Back at the house, he’s shown packing a truly shocking collection of protein powders into a suitcase, securing it around his waist with a chain, and doing pull ups in full view of the other men.

James S. sort of makes me chuckle by calling him “a Chad,” and I’m not used to the phenomenon of genuinely laughing at this show.  

Back at the inferno - it turns out this is a firefighter contest, and it seems that Grant, the actual firefighter, has an advantage.  Can’t wait for the challenge when they have to give dudes boners.  Then it’ll be your time to shine, Evan!!

Wells is a Radio DJ, so then it’s sort of redundant when he says he’s not really in shape. ZING!

PUN ALERT: “Hands down the hottest date I’ve ever been on.” - JoJo

The Canadian still looks drunk and makes another off color joke about playing with hoses in his apartment.  This is the best Canadian they could find!? Was Justin Trudeau not available?

(Seems like an easy choice to me)

(Seems like an easy choice to me)

Wells also says he’s “so not like the other guys here,” and in this case he means competent at this challenge.

Robby points out that everyone is hot and sweaty, and somewhere offscreen JoJo enters her rutting season.

Wells is so overcome with the physical exertion that he needs a medic.  I probably couldn’t do any of this, so I won’t hate, and it turns out to be a fantastic idea that he’s bad at this challenge because JoJo administers water and tender care!  

“Don’t faint!”  Jo Jo cries, ever the fantastic nurse.

(Literal recreation)

(Literal recreation)

Meanwhile, James Taylor is serenading all the men back at the house.  They are (sort of hilariously) writing a song, as in actually writing down the lyrics on a legal pad.  All the men, that is, except for Chad, the loner.  He makes an actually astute statement about how none of them really know JoJo at this point, but he does it while sporting the facial expression of a 14th century evil pope, so it’s hard to take him seriously.  

I still have the song stuck in my head.  The lyrics go something like: “JoJo, JoJo, JoJo JoJo JoJo.”  Beautiful.

The firefighting date continues without (interesting) incident.  Wells is given the “opportunity” of trying to save JoJo from the top of a burning building.  I hope this is more interesting for the contestants to watch than it is for me.

It’s no real surprise that the actual fireman wins the fireman challenge, which means he, his massive chin, and JoJo are all going on a date!

Luke takes losing hard.  Sorry Luke.  Guess one of those small town values is losing to a dude from San Francisco!  BURN (also pun).

MORE PUNS:  “My time with JoJo just completely goes up in flames.”  - Luke

(IN FLAMES!)

(IN FLAMES!)

Robby is REALLY taking this seriously.  He calls JoJo the “girl of his dreams.”  Mine too, Robby, but take a chill pill.  This is only the second episode.

The next scene is prominently located at “Level Furnished Living.”  How very luxe. It is at this location that Grant and JoJo have their private date and smooch.  

(Such luxury)

(Such luxury)

The men reminisce about the crazy day they’ve had.  Serious question: do these guys realize JoJo’s life wasn’t actually in danger?

Back at the house, the main side plot is that Alex looks great.  What a face.  The rest of the guys look less good, but for some reason Derek is awarded the special one-on-one date.  Jordan wasn’t called and he slips still deeper into his memories.  

Back at the group date, JoJo pulls Wells, who’s made a miraculous recovery, away for a private date!  Her tastes are impossible to pin down.  Apparently just “not giving up,” is enough to get time with JoJo.  I’m not going to give up watching this episode even though it’s probably equally hard as firefighting.  Does that count for anything, JoJo?!?!

Wells show pictures of his bloodhound to JoJo but curiously the audience doesn’t get to see.  Would the dog not sign a release form?  

(His bark has been modulated too)

(His bark has been modulated too)

He also shows JoJo a photo of himself, and she says she couldn’t recognize Wells with a beanie on, and I’m wondering what kind of beanie this was?!?   

(Yeah I guess he does look different)

(Yeah I guess he does look different)

JoJo goes through mini dates with all the guys, which makes it hilarious when the men say they just want some meaningful time with her.  

EVAN has kids!!!!!!!!!!! Gross. Not kids, just Evan. I guess he practices on himself.

Luke waxes rhapsodic about his feelings, yet somehow keeps any emotion out of his voice.  “I. Am. Really. Developing. Feelings. For. You.”  A beautiful sonnet, Luke.

Then JoJo and Luke hug, and then they tongue kiss.  It’s pretty loud because they are both wearing microphones.  I don’t want to see these two tongue kiss, let alone HEAR their tongues.  This is also a pretty close shot of them making out, which means that the camera crew is just a few feet away from their liplock sesh.  Super romance.

(If I have to see it, so do you)

(If I have to see it, so do you)

Later, JoJo gives the rose to Wells!  Luke glares at Wells’s tiny, incompetent body.  Ali doesn’t even get some talking head time, and I’m concerned.  I feel like he would have thrived more back at the house with all the musicality going on.

Coming up: Chad negs! Chad quotes West Side story! Chad snaps! A muscle-bound macho man says he’s “giddy like a schoolboy.”

Dereck and JoJo go on their one-on-one date, the double-edged sword that was prophesied at the beginning of this episode.  It’s a nice change from the one-on-nine date of yesterday.

JoJo tells Derrick they need to “make some choices,” on their date, and I’m a little shocked and delighted that this show is so political.  

The date leads them not to a Planned Parenthood, as I’d hoped, but to a jet and some onboard thumb wrestling, en route to San Francisco and a picnic overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge.  Sure.  They had to choose between air and sea, north and south, Lombard Street and Golden Gate Bridge.  I’m curious if this was like a Choose Your Own Adventure book and one of their dates was going to be held in a wizard’s lair, being chased by a TRex.

(Good read actually)

(Good read actually)

JoJo kisses Derreckk (she instigates ALL the kisses, btw). There are fireworks, Derek promises.  

The guys back at the house are still working on their song.  Considering the lyrics still only consist of the syllable “Jo” repeated over and over again, I’m sort of confused about what is taking so long to master.

Chad has at long last found a friend in the drunk Canadian, who always looks like he’s just about to cry or has just finished doing so.  Chad and the drunk Canadian talk about how they always warn women to stay away from the nice guys, but that deep down they are actually nice guys.  I fully agree with him - JoJo, stay away from Chad.

Chad has more chemistry with the drunk Canadian than with anyone else in the house.  Witness this exchange:

Chad:  “If you’re making a protein shake made of the group of dudes here”
Drunk Canadian:  “Yup”
Chad:  “And then, you know, blended it up.”
Drunk Canadian: “What kind of shake would you get?”
Chad: “Half that dude protein shake would be..like...it would have zero chance.”
[then]
Drunk Canadian: “I knew you were cool from the moment I met you.”
Chad:  “I knew you were cool too.”
 

I had to rewind this scene 4 times before I committed it all to paper.  That’s how important I feel it is to our cultural memory.

("Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.")

("Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.")

During the commercial breaks I sing the JoJo song.  I also feel like I ought to be drinking.

The participants in next day’s date are:

  1. Jordan
  2. Christian
  3. Nick
  4. James Taylor
  5. Alex (THANK GOD)
  6. Chad

“Prove your love to me, and the nation.” JoJo’s card ominously warns.

The rest of the men who aren’t called are despondent that they won’t see JoJo today.  Chad wisely notes:  “You’ve gone a full life without JoJo.”

WAS IT REALLY LIVING CHAD?

Back in San Francisco, JoJo and Dereeek continue their date, reminiscing about their date while still on their date.  They say they have good chemistry, and I guess I’ll take their word for it.

(Photo courtesy of ABC)

(Photo courtesy of ABC)

The date is boring.  Is this whole show just watching people talk about developing feelings?  I’m suddenly gripped with terror.

Deerrek reveals that he wanted to marry his last girlfriend, and she gave him the ol heave ho for “another person.”  So she cheated on him, and he then goes on the bachelorette with 17 other guys.  Dderek doesn’t articulate that he has great decision making skills while on his date, and I’m beginning to think there’s a reason for that.

I snooze for a bit.  JoJo gives Deereek a rose and pins it on him.  There are a lot of gender roles upended on this show.

The next day, back in LA, the dudes go to ESPN.  I didn’t think it was possible for me to be more bored, but the show, like life, found a way.

The challenge today is something called “Bachelor Nation.”  Jordan yet again brings up his famous brother, the melancholy behind his eyes barely restrained, deep set into his disturbingly square face.

(Separated at birth!??!)

(Separated at birth!??!)

The challenge is that the men have to do a celebratory end zone dance with a giant rose.  It’s certainly not the worst idea they’ve had just in this scene.

Chad:  “The best thing about Jordan is his brother.  The worst thing about Jordan is he’s not his brother.”  I will say this for Chad - that was a pretty tight burn.

The second proposal has them spin around and then propose to JoJo - therefore fighting both literal and metaphorical nausea at the prospect of commitment.  They have to do a romantic proposal and talk about what they love about JoJo.  It’s this weird in-between phase where everyone sort of knows they aren’t really in love with each other yet, but they are playing at what it would be like to be in love.  This isn’t the only time this show plays with the various levels of the simulacrum.

James Taylor says Chad looks like a protein shake with a blender.  I’m beginning to think protein shake similes are the only way heterosexual men in America can describe their feelings.

Alex says this is the best day of his life.  Up to now, Alex.  We’ve yet to meet.  

Christian’s proposal includes this sentence: “My love, my queen, my everything.”  I giggle out of secondhand embarrassment.

Chad bucks the trend of saying sweet things about JoJo by negging her some more, which is a cute tactic.  He calls her “naggy.”  

He wouldn’t be saying that if she were a human protein shake blend:

(Best enjoyed while shirtless)

(Best enjoyed while shirtless)

James Taylor sings. I’m even more embarrassed.  He, on the other hand, doesn’t have the decency to show any shame.

Ugh, Chad.  It feels unfair hating Chad because the show, and Chad himself, have engineered it for us to hate him.  He’s just a caricature of a douchey guy (even though I don’t doubt that Chad is actually a douche).  Everything he does is for maximum effect, the effect being “hate me, I’m the villain of the show!”  But I’ll continue hating Chad, because he’s not a total fiction.  There are guys out there who pull stunts like this.  They neg and they tease and they think it’s a good way to meet women.  I had a guy once tell me I was “pretty attractive for a Jew.”  According to Chad’s logic, once I got him home he’d be a nice guy.  Ugh, Chad.

(Hate me become me, America)

(Hate me become me, America)

The contestants are asked who did the worst, and they all say Chad without exception.  

Chad’s brutal rebuttal:  “Forgive me if I’m not going to be fake.”  

The infamous “nag-gate,” is brought up again, and Chad uses it as a treatise against all the other guys being fake.  “You can’t be in love with her yet.  If you are, that’s weird.”  Again, not to give it to Chad, but that’s a fair point.

He does tell JoJo that he’s at a place emotionally and financially to find love.  Swoooooon.

I bet Alex is actually already in love, he seems like he would fall hard. He reminds me of a golden retriever.  Except I don’t want to smooch a golden retriever.

(Not even you, Air Bud)

(Not even you, Air Bud)

JoJo says she likes that Chad is honest and upfront.  My heart breaks a little.  He’s honest I guess, but he’s also just a dick.  Those two qualities are not interchangeable.

Alex only gets #3 in the date challenge, but he is at least correctly identified as a “handsome guy.”

Chad gets # 2.  UGH CHAD.    

James Taylor gets #1.  This is just chaos.

Afterwards, the guys all gather in a darkened space to air their grievances against Chad.  Chad calls them all sensitive.  The guys react quite sensitively. The world keeps spinning.

James Taylor and JoJo go on their special date.  James Taylor says:  “A smile is the only thing you can see on the outside that comes from the inside.”  I vomit for 10 minutes.  There’s actually more than one thing from your inside that you can see on the outside, James Taylor, and turns out one of those things is my lunch.

James Taylor loves “his family, his friends, food, harcode dude stuff but also the occasional chick flick.”  He says he loves God (he is reading this aloud from a piece of paper).  This makes JoJo cry for some reason.

Jesus Christ this show is so long.

They kiss!  James Taylor initiated it and pulls away, leaving JoJo to rush back in.  No tongue, it appears.  I guess he does love God.

Chad:  “Alex is too short.  She likes tall guys.”

Chad - I thought you didn’t know anything about JoJo?  Chad is thoroughly obsessed with every man on this show while at the same time professing no knowledge of JoJo.

For the record Alex is 5’7”, allegedly.

(According to sources)

(According to sources)

My computer has an ad blocker.  Any angel investors want to help out with my “Chad Blocker?”

Chad and JoJo get some time together.  Chad wisely reveals he has a puppy, which humanizes (dog-izes?!?) him.  However, I’ll believe it when I pet it.

Chad also reveals that his mother just died.  I won’t snark on that, that is hard stuff for anyone.  His mom died and it’s very sad, and he’s also a giant asshole.  Those two things are not mutually exclusive.

“Do you want to go make a wish?”  asks the guy who was just complaining about all the other guys being so cheesy.

They drop a coin in the well (but not Wells), and then tongue kiss.  Gross.  Chad then says he has a giddy feeling.  “I’m starting to develop some real feelings for her,” he says, after just threatening to beat up the guys for expressing their feelings.

JoJo gives the rose to James Taylor.  He does an “aw shucks” routine, then puts his arm around Jordan.  How peculiar.

Some other things happen:

Chad, his face bathed in shadow, regards James Taylor.

Chad speaks, and I can’t place his accent.  Does the 7th circle of hell have a regional dialect?

Erectile Evan holds court with the other contestants, all dressed in their fineries.

Chad is waiting in front of the mansion with a glass of white wine for JoJo.  Good call Chad, ugh.  They then go for a stroll.  Chad seems a little drunk, but he’s also an evil genius at getting time with JoJo.  They quiz each other on how their day (today) was, and he looks at JoJo like he hates her.  Or just every woman on earth.  

("No one knows what I'm thinking")

("No one knows what I'm thinking")

The other male contestants complain that Chad hasn’t joined their coven.  Sweet.

Then the guys have a traditional cocktail party, in which there is one woman and then 17 dudes entertain each other.  Chase pulls JoJo away, while Vinny is always sweaty.  

More things happen:

Alex brings Chad over to talk to the other men and answer for his crimes. Alex cross-examines Chad, who loves the attention.  

Chad and the Drunk Canadian retreat to gossip.

Alex quotes Game of Thrones.  Ha.  Chase orchestrates a mini date.  

Chad brings some of the men a plate of lunch meat, in an attempt to bond? All the other men food shame him and Chad eats all the meat by himself.

“He’d take an IV of meat if he could get one,” Luke says, and cracks himself up.

The men continue to shame Chad and call him a literal meat head.  I’m a little shocked at how long this vignette of Chad eating has gone on.  Yet watching Chad eat meat by a fireplace is actually more entertaining than any of the dates this episode, so I’ll allow it.

(The terrifying results of googling "Chad+eating+meat")

(The terrifying results of googling "Chad+eating+meat")

Will and JoJo toilet paper the house, and my theory about him having “Robin Williams from Jack” disease is further cemented.  Spoiler alert: Will gets sent home at the end of this episode, so that’s the last time I’ll be making that dumb joke.

“They are boys, they aren’t quite men yet.”  Chad says, as if to confirm my theory.  Chad and I are in agreement about a disturbing amount of things.  Am I secretly a nice guy underneath!??!

Chad tries to break up Alex and JoJo’s mini date, but JoJo wisely stays with Alex for a few minutes longer.  Our girl JoJo is back!!

Chad, stuffed with meat, describes himself as a “cold, calculated business man,” which doesn’t really charm JoJo as much as I’m guessing he’d hoped.  She says “you’re just funny,” but I think she can just tell he’s just drunk.  She then releases him to go eat more.

This show could be about 23 minutes long and would still convey the exact same amount of information.

Ali finally gets a talking head segment, but unfortunately it, like everything else in this episode, is about Chad.

“You’ve been crushing the food.”  One of the guys says to Chad.  Hahahaha, what a funny neg.

Alex is really letting Chad get under his skin, but his only strategy needs to be to keep his face uncovered for the rest of the season.

Chad only smiles genuinely when he’s looking at the Drunk canadian.  Truthfully.  I’m not making a dumb gay joke, I’m just pointing out that when Chad looks at JoJo, he has the most unpleasant expression on his face, but his eyes sparkle and dance when he’s looking at the Drunk Canadian.

("If Trump wins, I'm moving in with you.")

("If Trump wins, I'm moving in with you.")

There’s a shot of Erectile Evan draping JoJo in a shawl, but luckily it’s only for a second.

Interestingly, when Chad tries to sneak in on JoJo’s date with Erectile Evan, she allows it.  She then allows him under the shawl Evan gave her.  The ultimate insult.

Erectile Evan is despondent, and all the other contestants console and reassure him that he’ll get time with the woman they are all trying to get time with.  It’s an odd dynamic.

Alex goes to cunt-front Evan.  Chad is still drunk, and Ali is there for a reason that’s not explained.  Alex is trying to get Chad to stay away from JoJo’s dates with other men.  Is that the definition of being here for the right reasons?  Chad threatens Alex’s beautiful teeth.  This has gone on too far, Chad.  Go eat some meat.

Contestant Chris is back!  He steals JoJo away for a minute.  Nice move Chris.

NOW IT’S THE ROSE CEREMONY!  Who will get a rose?  Who will get sent home?  Who will be thrilled that this episode is almost over?  Chad strolls in while menacingly eating a slice of deli meat and takes his place at the Drunk Canadian’s side, where he belongs.

(Still hungry for love)

(Still hungry for love)

Three men already have a rose from their various machinations this episode:

  • Derek
  • Wells
  • James Taylor

Then the official rose ceremony beings:

  • Robby (his outfit makes him look like a rich guy going undercover as a cater waiter)
  • Luke
  • Chase
  • Jordan (tall, tall hair)
  • Grant
  • Ali
  • Daniel (REALLY?)
  • James
  • St Nick
  • Vinny
  • Evan (GIRRRRRRL, are YOU drunk??)

There is a break for dramatic tension.  Chad says “If I go home I’ll know that she has an issue, not me.”  Chad says.  And thus, the credo of the Pickup Artist was sung throughout the land.

Alex:  “If Chad gets a rose it means that everything I thought that rose stood for is degraded.”

I laugh for full minute after I hear this.  

The final rose goes to Chad, of course.

("So I have a better chance.")

("So I have a better chance.")

The hipster is heartbroken.  The Bachelor Superfan goes home, and I’m actually sort of sad to see him go because he made me giggle a few times. Will is sent home.  Bye guys!

Chad drinks champagne ominously.  The end is here, at last.

NEXT EPISODE IS TWO HOURS LONG JESUS CHRIST KILL ME.

I still have that damn JoJo song stuck in my head.

Top Three LOLs of the week:

  1. The various tortured protein shake metaphors
  2. “JoJo hates short people”
  3. “If Chad gets a rose it means that everything I thought that rose stood for is degraded.”

Week’s top hunk: Alex, DOI

Episode’s MVP: Chad, hate to say it.  If it weren’t for his dramatic meat eating antics, this episode would have been unbearable.

 

Your Weekend Reading List: Take Care

Your Weekend Reading List: Take Care

Bang a Gong: Get Saffron!

Bang a Gong: Get Saffron!