The Bachelorette! Episode #3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bachelorette! Episode #3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here we go again.  Lola is back but it’s a tenuous situation at best.  At worst, she’s ignoring everything I say - we’ve entered the teenaged years.  

("I want my own room!")

("I want my own room!")

Also entering the teenaged years is my boyfriend’s absence, although he came home long enough to pack his bags and split again.  For a show that is so in love with love, it’s certainly destroyed all mine.

(Last known picture)

(Last known picture)

But back to The Bachelorette!  Back to JoJo.  But more accurately, back to Chad.

I was worried this episode WOULDN’T be all about Chad, but there are about 500 words spoken in the first few minutes of this episode and about 75% of them rhyme with “Hi, my name is Vlad.”

We’re already discussing Chad’s notorious history with meat, also just Chad in general.  I love that Robby is somehow implying that all of the mess in the house (and there are establishing shots of carrots everywhere - aka it’s FILTHY) is because Chad stayed.  He’s capable of a lot of mayhem but I’m not sure he single-handedly dirtied the dozens of champagne flutes now resting in the sink.

Erectile Evan thinks Chad has two sides to him.  But for the moment I’m just very interested in the two sides to Evan - i.e. why does he insist on that wispy goatee vs. the totally reasonable option of not having one?  He’d look so much better without it.  I took this picture to the finest FBI portraiture professional and look!

(ABC's Extreme Face Makeover)

(ABC's Extreme Face Makeover)

I see a glimpse of Ali laughing with his friends!  But it’s not enough for me.  

“Chad and Daniel definitely have a passion for working out.” - Chase complains, but I call bull.  All of these guys are in shape........well, most of these guys are in shape (sorry Wells!), so that’s not really the hill to die on re: hating Chad.

“Always doing math.” Chase bitterly notes.  “Always counting calories.”

“If Chad gets to stay this week and I don’t,” Evan says, “I’ll be very upset.”

Thanks, foreshadowing.  I now know how this episode will end.  Since I know we’ll be losing Evan this week, I imagine this show will be cock-o-bloc with erection puns.

Every time Contestant Chris joins the other contestants, it’s a big deal! If he doesn’t win JoJo’s heart, then he’s certainly won the audience’s and that of the other contestants.  Is there a Miss Congeniality for this show?

It looks like Alex is wearing a hoodie and no shirt underneath.  OH LORD it’s going to be like this, is it?

Jordan looks like a wax figure.  Maybe he was away this scene and they had contingency plans?

(The evidence has been there all along....)

(The evidence has been there all along....)

Grant is still there!  I feel like he’s not got a lot of face time and that’s a shame.  

The one-on-one date is announced and it’s.......Chase.  “Let’s get physical!”  JoJo’s card reads.  Girl are you SURE?  I don’t get it.  Chase?!  I forget he’s on this show all the time, he has zero things that make him stand out.  Does she forget that Ali is here???!!

There’s a shot of Luke and Wells standing next to each other and I’m genuinely shocked by how tight Luke’s pants are, especially compared to the hipster DJ he’s standing next to.

Chad said he and JoJo are “killing it together.”  Is this a pun?  Will someone die shortly?

“We haven’t crossed that emotional barrier yet.” Chase says.  I didn’t realize straight people used dental dams, tbh.

They pull up to their date spot - a hot yoga studio! Sure.

CREATE SILENCE a sign at yoga studio proclaims.  I only wish this meant I wouldn't have to hear anyone talk for a few minutes.  But no one in the world is that lucky.

“How long have you guys been intimate?” The yoga teacher asks.  What a super inappropriate question for a stranger to ask!  A glaze comes over JoJo’s eyes as the mere idea of intimacy enters her mind and body and soul, while Chase just laughs dumbly.  

“We met about a week ago,” JoJo says, and you can tell that the second part of that sentence will go unsaid but is almost certainly: “and can you believe we haven’t boned yet?!!?”  Never change, JoJo.

The yoga teacher then basically performs kegels in front of them, followed by the ancient Yoga practice of “throwing a tantrum.”  JoJo is quite adorably flummoxed.  

“This angergasm looks more like an exorcism.”

Watching Chase do kegels is pretty uncool.

("I'm doing mine right now!")

("I'm doing mine right now!")

Meanwhile back at the house!  The Drunk Canadian and Chad are shown working out together.  Are you familiar with those pictures of Cary Grant running around with Randolph Scott (his male “non-sexual” apartment mate) so many years ago?  It’s actually just as innuendo-laden. Lots of grunting, lots of butts being pushed out.

(A rich history)

(A rich history)

Back at the one-on-one - JoJo is very embarrassed by this date, but Chase actually seems to be taking it in stride.

“I can confidently say this is the first time I’ve mounted a guy on the first date.”  LOL JOJO!!!!! This episode is already 100x better than last week’s.  I really hope there are raises all around for the staff.  Also, sorry JoJo, but I just don’t believe you.  I’ve seen the lust in your eyes.

I can’t help but wonder if Chase has a boner.  I’M SORRY but it’s all I can think about.  They are facing each other, straddling, and breathing deeply. COME ON it’s bound to happen, right?

Right?!

I do feel like JoJo would tell all if he did, however.

Suddenly Chase sneaks a peck!  Wow!  I got to give it to Chase, I did not think he had that in him!  As for what JoJo has in her, I ain’t saying anything.

“As difficult as yoga is, I’m feeling it.”  Chase says.  Should I tell him that yoga isn’t actually you getting straddled by a woman and then touching noses together, or do you want to?

("As difficult as yoga is....")

("As difficult as yoga is....")

Chase and JoJo continue their date, but with about 3 more feet in between them.  I must have a disease that makes me forget Chase’s face whenever he’s off screen.  He just doesn’t look like anything - so peculiar.  

I also like how they always call this “a journey,” rather than “an indiscriminate sampling of dozens of men.”

Chase comes from a family of divorce!!! Ace time to bring out that info, Chase.  You are a lot more cunning than I gave you credit for.

“Marriage is forever.”  Ok, Chase.  Now you are just gilding the lily.

It occurs to me that I’ve seen many people hold alcohol on this show but not one of them handle a condom.  I’m scared.

JoJo appears to be into this Chase, and I guess I get it.  He seems like less of a meat head (both literally and figuratively) then the other guys and he seems like a nice guy and not a “nice guy.”  Plus, JoJo is an extrovert and I want always all attention on her, and I think Chase and his quiet demeanor can give her that.

(Creating silence and hiding boners)

(Creating silence and hiding boners)

SHE GIVES HIM A ROSE!  Awww.  Good job Chase.  It’s the first time I haven’t felt the need to watch the date behind my hands out of embarrassment, which is a huge achievement for all involved.  I feel like I just got the rose.

JoJo has another surprise.  Except by surprise, she means that a nondescript white man in a SUEDE JACKET is serenading them and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Charles Kelly???  Never heard of him.

“I feel completed.”  Chase says.  OH CHASE.  TOO SOON.  They slow dance and smooch.  It’s fine, I guess.  JoJo is getting some mouth time in (as I imagine she calls it), so I’m happy for her.

Back at the house: ALI GETS TO TALK FINALLY!   He reads aloud from the date card, specifically the following words:

  • Jordan
  • Grant
  • Wells
  • James F
  • Christian
  • Ali (GOOD)
  • Daniel
  • Vinny
  • Nick
  • Evan
  • Alex
  • Chad

“Love has no secrets.” - JoJo's card promises.

“Honestly, I don’t even want to go.”  Chad says.  This utterly shocks the other dudes.

“I don’t want to go with 12 other guys.  That’s too many guys.” - Chad.

("One guy is too few, 12 is too many!"

("One guy is too few, 12 is too many!"

The drunk Canadian is in the background giggling, and I’m dying.  This is actually so funny, I’m so happy it’s happening.

The other men look beyond flummoxed.

“Do you think she would want to spend a whole day with you?”  Jordan challenges.

“Of course.”  Chad says.  Duh, what’d you think he was going to say, Jordan?  

Chad gets all the men fired up, they are all freaking out, and Chad is exactly where he wants to be.  He is playing them like a fiddle, or like a fiddle filled with protein powder, to Chad-ify this.

“Evan, stop talking.”  Chad tells him.  

“Let’s hope it’s a bench pressing contest and not a spelling contest.”  Jordan says, and then giggles to himself while all the men are like “ooooooo! No he di’in’t, etc.”

“Are you trying to insinuate that I’m stupid, Jordan?” Chad asks.

(“Are you trying to insinuate that I’m not here to find love with the Drunk Canadian?!”)

(“Are you trying to insinuate that I’m not here to find love with the Drunk Canadian?!”)

Ooooo this is getting SO GOOD!

“You’re a 27 year old failed football player.”  Chad aims at Jordan.  “You've done nothing with your life other then throw a piece of leather.”

God that Chad is a catty bitch.  

Chad and Alex then exchange shit-related insults.  O, Alex.  I fear you will disappoint me the more you open your beautiful mouth.

The guys are basically at this point communicating with grunts, tight grins, and vague threats of “going,” as in  “Let’s go, want to go, let’s go outside, let’s go to the malt shop, etc.”

Again, the Drunk Canadian (and me, really) is loving this.  His best friend is getting his time to shine and really, isn’t that why he’s on this journey?

Later, the group date occurs.  Surprise! Chad ending up going on the date with “too many guys.”

Alex is talking some more, but sadly, it’s all about Chad.

Evan’s jeans have truly shockingly large rips in his knees to the point that it almost looks like jean cutoffs with denim ankle warmers.  

On the way to the date, the men split into two limos, and all the men in the non-Chad limo gossip about Chad.

Ali is there and he’s cute.  He’s wearing a peasant top with a string closure.  How peculiar.

(Also featured in his bio video!)

(Also featured in his bio video!)

They pull up to a “show” of women onstage talking about sex stuff.  The men are floored, they all watch with open mouths, shock and dumbfoundedness all around as they listen to the MC, a woman of all things, talk about s-e-x!

“Welcome to sex talks!”  Another MC (also female - what gives?!?!) brays.

OH JESUS.

Chad looks very very uncomfortable.  How very interesting.

This is actually a good set up!!!!  The men have 45 minutes to prepare a “sex talk” and then give it in front of a (frankly small) audience.  I’m simultaneously amused and titillated.  Is this what it’s like when The Bachelorette is firing on all cylinders?!

“I think it’s really important to talk about sex in a relationship.  I’m a physical person.”  COME  ON JOJO!!!  Tell us something we don’t already know to the core of our being.

Evan grimaces.  “I’m SO pumped” he says.  Lol.  I’m so happy he’s going home at the end of this episode.

("I.can't.wait.")

("I.can't.wait.")

Jordan is very Victorian, turns out, and he’s not feeling this challenge.  I’m pretty sure whatever he’s writing is fiction, btw.  Very “Turn of the Screw.”

“I love talking about sex and weird things and various bodily functions.” - The Drunk Canadian announces.

“I don’t care about her sexual history!” Chad says angrily.  Angrily and forcefully.  Like TOO angrily and forcefully, like it’s not true!  How odd.  “Sex is something that you keep to yourself.” And presumably the person you are doing it with, Chad, unless that’s a secret too.

You can tell Chad has crazy stage fight and is just freaking out because he doesn’t want to do it.  It’s like his system is going haywire, but luckily he can always fall back on his douchebag function.

Alex and Evan hatch a truly moronic scheme to “call Chad out” by talking about him during Evan’s sex talk.  “I was hoping someone would have the courage” to call Chad out, Alex says. Though HE certainly wasn’t going to do it.  

“Evan’s like the smallest guy in the house,” Alex says by way of congratulating Evan’s courage in confronting the much larger Chad.  But it’s also a good way to change the height narrative that’s been floating around Alex.  Good looks and brains hmmm interesting.

“I think sex is really important in a relationship.”  YES WE GET IT JOJO YOU HORNDOG.

Grant goes first, all square jaw and tight pants.  He acquits himself very nicely (I would say if I wrote this recap for a fancy rag) by telling a story about having sex in a sleeping bag in the park and getting caught by the cops and THAT IS LITERALLY THE STORY OF MY FIRST TIME!!!! Did someone take a peek in my journals?  Grant!  You cad!

More stuff happens:

James F. is next and he tells a gross story that requires vulgar tongue gestures.

Vinny gets down to his underwear for some reason.

The Drunk Canadian’s story sounds like the beginning of a snuff film.

Wells has a “hysterical threesome story,” but ABC wouldn’t let us hear it!  What gives?!?!

Evan is next.  HIGH DRAMA ALERT.

JoJo is just loving this whole event.  She is in peak form with her hair and her white wine.

(If this is the closest I get to hanging with JoJo I’ll still be happy)

(If this is the closest I get to hanging with JoJo I’ll still be happy)

Oh man.  Evan does his talk entitled “The Dangers of Doing Steroids (The Chad from the Bachelorette Story with Additional Reporting by Alex).”  He’s not really confident enough to pull it off in any sort of charming way, and Alex is in the audience just vigorously nodding his head.  It’s all kind of....strange.  I knew Alex would disappoint me eventually, but did it have to be so soon?

(“Listen all you women with chipped nails and food allergies - the door’s that way!”)

(“Listen all you women with chipped nails and food allergies - the door’s that way!”)

Chad looks furious.  The drunk Canadian looks like he’s been caught.

“Evan is basically implying that Chad takes steroids.”  Ali says.  Aw sweetie.  He’s basically outright saying it.

Wells also talks about how small he and Evan are.  These men are all obsessed with their bodies and the bodies of those around them.

On his way back to the audience, Chad butts up against Evan or Evan butts up against Chad, it’s unclear, and then Chad just straight up rips the back of Evan’s shirt.  OOOOO I can’t believe that drama paid off so soon.

Grant tries to break it up.  Good job dude.  JoJo witness this all, of course.  

Next it’s Chad’s turn, and he brings JoJo up on stage.  It feels unsafe and gross, because Chad is unsafe and gross.  He tries to get out of the challenge by “not talking about the past” and only focusing on the future, blah blah blah cheat cheat blah. Then he tries to make out with JoJo onstage, in front of all the guys, and she offers her cheek instead.  Then Chad flings the microphone to the floor, all of this to the absolute delight of Alex.   

(“I don’t care about your sexual history but I swear to God I’ll leave if you have one.”)

(“I don’t care about your sexual history but I swear to God I’ll leave if you have one.”)

JoJo goes out and charms the audience and hugs the women.  

Backstage, Chad punches a (very sturdy looking) door.  Alex celebratory chest bumps Ali and Evan.  I wish that were a euphemism.  

Chad is fuming.  “You’re going to fucking die.”  He says, and pushes Evan.  The drunk Canadian looks lost and scared.

“We were just having fun bro, seriously.”  Evan says.  While he doesn’t deserve bodily harm, it’s pretty disingenuous of Evan to say that he was just joshing Chad.  He was actively trying to be a dick and it was not a good-natured joke, but he also doesn’t want to get beat up.  I wouldn’t want Chad to beat me up either!  It’s the first time Evan has ever made sense to me.  God I hope he never touches JoJo though.

“You should appreciate some good fun.”  The Drunk Canadian says, and this is the most shocking thing that’s been said all night.  I never expected the Drunk Canadian to turn against Chad!!!!  He probably hates the violence - maybe he is Canadian after all.

Chad’s knuckles are bleeding.  Yikes.

“It’s called ‘roid rage.”  Jordan helpfully explains.

“No girl on planet Earth choose Evan.  For anything.”  Chad says.  Hahahahahahaha.  I hate it when he’s right!

(“Just pull it! I promise it’s funny!”)

(“Just pull it! I promise it’s funny!”)

God this episode is SO good.  Maybe it’s just that the last episode was so bad and I was truly dreading this one.  It’s feels wrong to be entertained by this show.  That, I never expected.

I get another glass of wine for the second act!

There’s an ad for Botox.  Ha.  That seems about right.

The men and JoJo all gather for an after-show drink.  I think she is still calling Saint Nick “Santa.”  Who is going to be the one to tell her?

Jordan pulls JoJo away. He is playing a soulful game.  I don’t buy it, but more to the point, I don’t care.  JoJo looks bored during this talk, so I guess she doesn’t either.

Her fake eyelash game is on point, however.  I never learned how to apply them.  Yet again I wish I could get time with JoJo, I feel like she has a lot to teach me.  I’m also sort of disappointed that I didn’t watch the last season aka JoJo’s origin story.  

Blah blah blah, emotions.  These two have ZERO chemistry.  I hate to hate, but it also looks like Jordan is a bad kisser.  JoJo - you deserve better!!!

Alex is next!  He looks good!  

“I’m ride or die,” he says, which makes JoJo giggle.  

She makes Vinny wear a coat they just found.  Possibly they just killed a man for it - so much is left unsaid.

Chad comes in and he’s DRUNK.  JoJo deals with him handily.

I know I’ll never be the Bachelorette, not least of all because I’m not young or bubbly or interested in being surrounded by more than 3 men at any time.  But mostly for the main reason that all of this small talk looks EXHAUSTING.  I wouldn’t know how to talk to any of these guys, nor would I want to because I DON’T CARE.  

Guess which man Chad says is “a pretty nice guy, a pretty cool guy?”

If you guessed Chad, it’s only because you’ve watched more than 5 minutes of this show.

("Also a very casual guy.")

("Also a very casual guy.")

Chad is drinking and sighing heavily.  “At least I tried.”  He reflects.

He chats with Vinny, who is almost certainly being fed questions by the producers.  Unless all of his conversational techniques revolve around exposition-leading.  “Why do you think Evan called you out?” Etc. “Why do you think the ABC Network has such good programming?”

More boring Chad talk.  More boring Evan talk.  Let’s get back to JoJo and her dark desires!

But first, we must suffer through a talk with Evan and Chad.

“Why are you here?”  Evan demands.

“...What?”  Chad asks, incredulously.

Evan then basically demands payment for his injured shirt.  Chad is all “leave me alone, why are you so obsessed with me??!”

Chad is now playing the extremely hurt and betrayed victim.  It’s a good look for him.  

Grant wisely chooses to leave.  All the other guys do too, including, hilariously, Chad, as if he’s just joining the larger movement of those who’ve had it with Evan.

“He fucked up already.  He has 3 kids, he had his chance at love.”  Chad says of Evan.  

First of all:  #1) Hahahahahahhahaah #2) Dear god THREE kids? It’s worse than I thought!  #3) Is Chad saying that Evan fucked up by having kids?  That that’s his only love possibility? #4) Hahahahahhahaha

Back at the house, the guys who didn’t get on the date are running themselves ragged wondering what’s happening on the date.  Luke says he’s going to cry if he doesn’t get a date.  No, really, he says that.

It is announced that James Taylor gets a one-on-one date.  No clue why.  More awww shucks.  I don’t GET him.  

Back on the current date, Chad is feeling things and creeping, strolling by JoJo’s dates.

“What’s up. You’re welcome. Here I am.” He says to JoJo.

JoJo has basically sat in every date’s lap thus far, but she wisely scoots down away from him and questions him on his shove of Evan.

Chad tries to talk his way out of it, but JoJo is not really buying it.

“He’s bullying the bully!” Chad says.

JoJo: “Don’t be a bully!”

JoJo talks about how she’s confused about the various sides to him.  That’s called being confronted with a sociopath, girl.

Alex talks more about Chad.  ALEX!!  Find a new thing!  I know we’re all obsessed with Chad, but find a new thing.

OOOOO Evan ends up interrupting Chad and JoJo’s date.  

“Now I’m in dick mode.”  Chad says, and not at the beginning of the series, but just now.

Evan uses this coveted time with JoJo to talk about Chad.  Of course.

“Losing a potential future with you is scary.” He says.  I’m not sure if he said any more because my ears were filled with the sound of me vomiting.

But then:

“I’m not going to stay here if he stays here.”  OOOooooooOOOOOooooooo

It’s QUITE early to start handing out ultimatums, Evan.  At least let her get to know you and be disappointed in you first.

If the producers get rid of Chad over Evan.....hahah what am I SAYING!? ? ?That would not ever happen.  I rest easy.

“It’s one of those situations where it’s....hey, it’s either me or Chad.”  Evan says.  Just one of THOSE classic situations.

(Tale as old as time - Evan or Chad?)

(Tale as old as time - Evan or Chad?)

“I’m going to start by saying I like you.”  JoJo says to Evan.  She then offers him the rose and they smooch and I LOSE IT.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

“I feel like my kids will be so excited to know I got the rose.”  He also talks about how happy they’ll be that he kissed JoJo.  Yeah, and imagine how stoked they’ll be when you guys go to pound, town, Evan.

I feel gross.  Physically ill.

The sight of Evan coming up with a shit-eating grin and wearing the rose has absolutely no effect on Chad at all and he accepts it with equanimity and all the grace in the world.  Hahahaha, JK.  He looks outaged and like literal steam is about to pour out of his ears.

I trust that giving Evan the rose was a decision forced by the producers for maximum drama, so I’ll allow it.  But I don’t have to like it.

Chad makes 10 different facial expressions every second that JoJo speaks.

“Is this real?  Is this a real scenario right now?”  Chad asks JoJo.  “I’m just honestly being curious.” He’s just being Miley.

“You’re actually right now vibing this dude?”  Chad, voice for the nation, asks JoJo.

“Yea, and I don’t appreciate what you are doing.”  JoJo responds independently. “Don’t be disrespectful.”

Dammmmn JoJo.  Way to shut that douche down.  I just love JoJo.

Alex hasn’t said a sentence this episode that didn’t start with the word “Chad.”

“No girl on planet earth ever choose Evan for anything!”  Chad repeats.  “Other than like sweeping her front yard.”  He then qualifies.

Coming up:  some casual Hitler talk between friends.

Back at the house!  The next day!

Derrrrick doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping next to Chad, so OMG they brought in a security guard to watch over Chad.  Hahahahah.  OMG.  Hahahahahha.

In less fun news: JoJo and James Taylor are “going old school baby.”  

“We’re going back in time.”  JoJo says, and I think maybe she’ll drop James Taylor off at the bus stop as if he never arrived.  “Be gone! They'll be no trace of you left in this house!” She’ll screech as she careens off into the night.

But no.  They just wear olde timey clothing and go dancing.  Blah.  After all the freaky sex and violence of this episode, this is just the WORST way they could have continued.

James Taylor snaps his fingers in lieu of having rhythm.  There’s an older woman there to help teach them to dance, and James Taylor reaches out and hugs her without asking permission first.

JoJo looks cute in her retro garb.  Surprising amount of cleave.

JoJo and James Taylor dance.  “I guess I’m just going to be me.”  He ominously warns.

(“Why are YOU watching this? Snap snap snap!")

(“Why are YOU watching this? Snap snap snap!")

It’s interesting that the producers spend just a few minutes with this date before the show hurries back to the adventures of Chad and What He’s Up To (The Criterion Collection).

The security guard they hired looks like he’s about in half as good of shape as Chad, so I’m sure he’ll be great at stopping any rampages Chad may engage in.  This seems like it was extremely well thought out and not for dramatic tension or anything.

The security guard just strolls around Chad and the Drunk Canadian.  They are all unfailingly polite to each other.

More boring date stuff.  I doubt this will end up with JoJo straddling him and them slow kissing.  Or at least GOD I HOPE SO.

This date was dumb and boring and chaste.  

“I have one more surprise for James, and he’s not going to believe it.”  JoJo says and leads him to the middle of a town square.  And honestly, the very first thing that popped into my head was the plot of The Lottery.

("NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")

("NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")

Unfortunately, I don’t create reality, so it’s just more dancing, but this time outside at a slightly different location than where they were just dancing before.  I get a sudden urge to watch Newsies.

I have nothing more to say about this date.

Oh wait, I do.  James Taylor seems very nice in an aw shucks way that I don’t doubt is real.  But he’s not right for JoJo.

GOD this show has gotten its hooks in me.

Back at the house, there's zippy piano music going on, which means that “wacky” stuff is happening.  

Chad is eating a sweet potato.  It crunches like it’s fresh.  SUBPLOT!

(“Look at me when I’m eating in front of you damnit!”

(“Look at me when I’m eating in front of you damnit!”

Another too good to be true exchange:

The Drunk Canadian: Let’s pretend you’re Hitler....if I’m friends with you. 
Chad: Let’s NOT pretend I’m Hitler.
The Drunk Canadian: Lets just say it, let’s just say it.
Chad: Let’s not just say it.

[There is an interlude where the Drunk Canadian talks about how him hanging with Chad is causing him to have so much drama (and screen time.)]

The Drunk Canadian: Let’s not be so much like Hitler.  Maybe be more like Mussolini...... Or Bush, right.  So maybe take it down a notch.

Every time a Canadian tries to win an argument with me, I’m going to send them a video of this exchange.

(“You’re former president is a war criminal, eh?”)

(“You’re former president is a war criminal, eh?”)

The poor security guard is still walking the grounds like a ghost who is unable to cross over.  FINISH YOUR BUSINESS SPIRIT AND BE GONE.

Dear god this date is still going on.  They park at make-out point.  JoJo is wearing both a turtleneck and a wool coat.  James Taylor is wearing a thin button up shirt.  Is the climate in LA so variable from foot to foot?

JoJo tries to get to know if she and James Taylor have chemistry AKA will he give it up!?

They talk some more.  It’s not about sex, meat eating, or Chad, so I don’t really know what to do with myself.    

Actually, James is being pretty vulnerable and a) I know JoJo is going to fall for it and b) I’m kind of falling for it.  He looks like he’s on the verge of tears while talking about his past and how he was bullied.  My deepest secret is that I hate seeing people cry IT MAKES ME FEEL AWFUL and sometimes makes me cry too.

But then James Taylor destroys all the good will I’d been developing for him by pulling out his fucking guitar and singing a fucking song.  Is this dude going for a record contract or just a record of how many times he annoys me?  ZING.

(“I’m not giving it up on the first date!”)

(“I’m not giving it up on the first date!”)

JoJo seems to be enjoying it more than I am.  I assume this goes on for 17 hours because it feels like it.

JoJo tears up again.  Oh JoJo.

They smooch and  I can’t tell if there’s tongue.  Oh wait!  There is tongue.  He looks like a better kisser than Jordan.  

There is so much close up kissing on this show.  It’s profane.

“It seems like emotions are all I’m doing.”  JoJo says and I’m FEELING HER, re: this show.

The end is in sight.  I’m out of wine.  Lola is chasing a bug.  It's a giant ant.  I wonder what Chad would think of it.  That ant isn’t invading my home - it’s just being HONEST.  It refuses to be fake.  Actually I think Lola may have killed it.  RIP.

There’s barely been any protein shake talk this episode.

Contestant Chris is back and orders the other contestants inside.  #sobossy

JoJo reveals (through Chris) that there won’t be a cocktail party tonight!!!  They’ll be an all day pool party instead!!

“JoJo in a bikini!”  Jordan high fives himself.

“I know what she looks like in a bathing suit.  I can tell through her dress.”  I don’t know why, but this statement from Chad truly chilled me to the bone.

Evan follows contestant Chris out the door!  Inside, Chad angrily drinks a protein shake.

“At this point, it’s an obsession.”  Chad says, not inaccurately.

Evan narcs on Chad and his threats of violence.  Contestant Chris is all “boys will be boys.”

(“What’d you expect being around all those dudes?”)

(“What’d you expect being around all those dudes?”)

Contestant Chris then takes Chad outside to have a talking to.

“Evan tried to push me.”  Chad declares.  Contestant Chris is just trying to get to the bottom of things.  

Robby looks like the villain in an 80s John Hughes movie.

(Just because we haven’t checked in on him in awhile)

(Just because we haven’t checked in on him in awhile)

Chad is staying, but he needs to do something first.  Like extend an olive branch to the other contestants?  Chad promises Chris he will, but he’s then shown stalking towards the house as if he’s about to eat them like so many slices of meat.  

The episode ends with Chad talking about chopping everyone up and leaving torsos in the pool.

NEXT TIME ON THE BACHELORETTE:

Cannibalism, presumably.

HUNK OF THE WEEK

Ali.  If only because I worry I won’t get the chance again.

MVP of the WEEK  

I want to give it to JoJo, but then I’m like “oh, that’s not fair, she’s not a contestant” but then I’m like I’m GOING TO GIVE IT TO JOJO!!!!  She had to suffer through even more bullshit than I had to.

TOP LOLS OF THE WEEK:

  1. Chad: “That’s too many dudes.” (I can’t explain why, but his delivery was just killer)

  2. Again, Chad!  Talking about how Evan fucked up by having three kids. I’m still giggling.

  3. Chad wins a rare triumvirate: He and the Drunk Canadian working out.

 

Your Weekend Reading List: Home Schooled

Your Weekend Reading List: Home Schooled

An Industry of One's Own: Kim Kardashian Shows Wonder Woman How It's Done

An Industry of One's Own: Kim Kardashian Shows Wonder Woman How It's Done