An Absolutely Real Christmas Letter from the Middle Ages
Dear friends, family, patrons, clients, consumptives:
Even in troubled times, Big John and I have so much to thank God for. Big John is home after having spent seven years abroad trading in cardamom, ambergris, and dragon's blood. To think he was gone so long I nearly had myself declared abandoned and considered remarrying! Lucky for me I cannot read and have been too busy raising the children to hire a priest who could file the necessary paperwork. You never know how things are going to work out but I do know that I am #blessed #god #thankfulthursday #spices #spicetrade #medieval #meandmyhubby #its5oclocksomewhere #all4him #thinspiration
I am having a wonderful time with my brewing, though I will say that I do not support the new trend of selling beer in these places called "taverns". It smacks of crass commercialism and Lord knows where those beer wenches have had their hands. What’s next? An Armenian clan to rise to our society’s highest caste levels? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Okay, off my soapbox now! It's so important for me to remember that, no matter what problems we have, we have our health. We've all been to the barbersurgeon for our regular trims and bleedings and the whole family has received a clean bill of health.
Oh, and we are so proud of our daughter, Joanna who is everywhere renowned for her beauty and chastity, (even if it be not deserved). Though she does have enough of a rebellious spirit to keep us on our toes. She is forever pushing the limits of the sumptuary laws. "But it's not ermine, it's modest weasel fur!" she insists to the royal sergeants. They are so charmed by her womanly simplicity and vacancy that they often let her go with a wink and a warning. Oh and of course she keeps her suitors on their toes with endless quests to prove their love. If William, son of William le Clerc ever finds a "cock that croweth not," I'll eat my whimple! Ah well, I'm sure you know, dear readers, how tweens can be!
And L’il John is not so little anymore. How quickly they grow! Already at six years old he has learned all his prayers and become an industrious worker. Or at least this is the report from the monastery to which we gave him.
Wishing all of you the joy and happiness we enjoy!
Wife of Big John
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