Teen Wolf Recaps: Relics

Teen Wolf Recaps: Relics

This week some things happened. In no particular order, my semester ended and I came home with a metric ton of virtual papers to grade, I got sick (getting sick the day classes end is CLASSIC!), and our president elect appointed some nightmare monsters to his cabinet, then put in motion the events that will probably lead to open war with China before we close the door on 2017. Is it any wonder that I spent Friday night lying on the sofa watching teen wolf, drinking red wine while sick and feeling sorry for the whole damn planet? Anyway, I was not your usual diligent show recapper. Instead, I’m going to tell you everything I can remember about what happened three days after watching it. I assume that this recap is going to be a lot like what happens when one of my students says to another “hey, did I miss anything in class on Tuesday?”

Is it any wonder that I spent Friday night lying on the sofa watching teen wolf, drinking red wine while sick and feeling sorry for the whole damn planet?

So did I miss anything?

Not much. Let’s see, when people are taken by the Hunt, they leave a relic behind. Lydia had some handwavium “conservation of mass” bullshit about why; it made no fucking sense. I mean, that stuff was already in the universe. If the hunt erases everything related to your existence, mass isn’t conserved; if the hunt erases everything related to your existence except a friendship bracelet . . . mass still isn't conserved. I would have gone with “faeries, amiright?”  Anyway, Gwen’s sister Phoebe left a friendship bracelet, and the kid in the library left an ID card. A the B-plot in the episode revolves around looking for a relic “Stiles"--if there is such a person--might have left. I’m just gonna spoil this for you right now: he left his jeep. Apparently Stiles cosmic mass is several orders of magnitude larger than Phoebe’s or the guy in the library’s. That’s because he’s a series regular, and we met the two of them two episodes ago. It doesn't matter, though, because as of the end of the ep, no one has noticed this unclaimed jeep hanging around the school parking lot.

Apparently Stiles cosmic mass is several orders of magnitude larger than Phoebe’s or the guy in the library’s. That’s because he’s a series regular,

Lydia does most of the heavy lifting looking for the relic, which she does not find. She jogs Stylinski to remember a story about stubbing his toe on a baseball bat and hollering “STILES!” without really knowing why (shouldn’t that bat be a relic, too? I mean, that was Stiles supernatural-monster-fighting-bat), and then he agrees to let her look around his house, where she sees invisible people who encourage her to peel away some wallpaper. On one hand, it would be irritating if a teenager came to your house to look for evidence that you had and then forgot a child and then started destroying your property, but on the other hand when the reanimatrix catches her in the act her overreaction is SUPER EVIL about the whole thing. Also the sound design suggests the reanimatrix is EVIL. Ten dollars says that lady eats pineal glands for bedtime snacks. I don’t know what she is, but she definitely is not a Claudia Stylinski. Lydia thinks she’s evil too, and somehow talks Scott’s mom into letting both Lydia and Mrs. Martin look at Claudia Stylinski’s medical records, which don’t indicate she was every pregnant (duh; her kid has been erased) but do still indicate that she had the dementia that killed her when Stiles was ten. But not that it killed her. Whatever supernatural power doctored those medical records did a spotty-ass job of it.

In other news, I guess Scott was right and all the kids from the party are marked; the A-plot for the episode is the rest of the gang trying to figure out how to protect them (put them in the Argent bunker!) and trying to get them to cooperate (they don’t!) and then trying to fight the Hunt (they lose!). Or maybe this is the B-plot? It's definitely the less interesting plot, but it has Scott and all the action sequences, so it's hard to say. 

There is a lacrosse match, and you know how I feel about that: I feel like I don't care. Due to events unrelated to lacrosse which are radically misinterpreted by Coach, Liam is promoted to team captain. This would piss off the other guy who was the frontrunner--you know, the guy who tried to throw a party last episode and had it snaked out from under him by a bunch of werewolves? But that guy has been taken by the Hunt (as have all the rest of the party-goers) by the end of the episode, so presumably Coach doesn’t even remember there was another kid in the running. OR SO YOU WOULD THINK. But one of the last things that happens is that one of the pack is all “THE HUNT TOOK ALL THE KIDS” so I guess everybody remembers them? I dunno, maybe it’s because they are all on the list too so they can remember others? But they still can’t remember Stiles, who they are starting to doubt exists anyway.

all you really need to know is that the Hunt are bad and the pack are good and the pack are not doing that great.

I’m leaving out a bunch of stuff where there’s a lacrosse game and the Hunt shows up and some people can see them and some people can’t and then Scott, who couldn’t see them before, can see them later, and there’s running and fighting, but I hardly remember the details; all you really need to know is that the Hunt are bad and the pack are good and the pack are not doing that great. Mason remembered the fresco of the Beast (i.e., himself. IS HE STILL A WEREWOLF?????) from last season. In the fresco, the Beast was fighting a hellhound. Parrish is a hellhound! Parrish should be able to fight the Hunt! Hayden calls Parrish and he shows up in the nick of time and goes all firebrand, but one of the cowboys from the Hunt shoots him with a magic bullet and he stops burning? I can’t really remember what else happens with him, but I think it was supposed to be mysterious.

Also, Malia has a subplot where she bonds some with Argent and helps him babysit the kids in his bunker. Argent is feeling paternal/big-brothery I guess. Malia is feeling bitey. I always like watching Malia, but this plot felt like Jeff Davis was like "oh crap I need something for Malia to do, hang out with Argent, I guess? cool cool that works." I liked the early scene where she just dug the bullet out of her own leg best of all the Malia scenes, but she is way too good for the rest of this plot.

So, what did I miss?

Not that much really. Dylan O’Brian wasn’t in the episode. There was no homework. 

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