7 Steps for Getting Through #ElectionDay2016
1. Be sure to vote so that you can protect your reproductive rights and abstain-shame(™) everyone else on Facebook.
2. Keep in mind that every vote matters. Remember that time you singlehandedly blackballed Jenny from Sigma Chi?
3. If a modern-day woman had designed the American Flag, it would be pink, cream, and pale blue - exactly the same colors as Strawberry Hill, Apple Blossom, and Blue Hawaiian Boones Farm wine coolers. This is important information to have as you think about what kind of breakfast will get you through your day most patriotically. You WILL need to start drinking before noon.
4. What should you wear to the polls!? Remember that many states bar you from wearing anything that expresses support for a particular candidate. Just to be safe, might I suggest that you wear a straightforward, nonpartisan pant suit?
5. Wash your hands before you vote so that you don't accidentally vote for Gary Johnson with a leftover-Halloween-chocolate smudge.
6. After you vote, reward yourself by going home, filling your bathroom with lightly scented candles, slipping into a warm bath, and letting go of all the stress of having to pretend to your friends that you know how the Electoral College works.
7. Tomorrow, refriend everybody you unfriended on facebook because, now that the election is over, we can all agree on everything again.