10 Ways to Fight Holiday Weight Gain to the Death
1. Portion control is the name of the game. Going to your in-laws for Thanksgiving? Don’t be tempted by the stuffing, potatoes, and yams all loaded with butter. Bring your own Ziploc® Brand Snack Bag half-full of celery sticks to eat. Remember, all those foods cooked with love and representing centuries of tradition contain fat, carbs, and calories. Just stay away!!
2. Speaking of portion control, use smaller plates. If you serve yourself less, you’ll eat less!
3. Men’s metabolisms burn calories faster than women’s. The pie is for them, not you.
4. Weigh yourself every hour. Constantly reminding yourself of how little force gravity has to exert to keep you firmly anchored to the earth will help you maintain a high level of body shame, a sure-fire cure for the desire to eat lunch!
5. Pace yourself. Chew each bite 100 times. Then spit it out, put it back in your mouth, and chew it another 100 times. Not only will you not actually ingest any calories, but you’ll also burn some off with all that chewing!
6. Don’t drink. This one is serious. You should never drink on an empty stomach and if you’re dieting right, you’ll always have an empty stomach.
7. Limit how much you taste your food while cooking. I know, I know, Gordon Ramsay is always yelling at chefs to taste their own food while they’re cooking but he’s a mean butthead and we don’t have to do what he says if we don’t want to.
8. Kim Kardashian has a personal chef and a private trainer. You should get those, too.
9. Have a cheat day! If you try to deny yourself your guilty food pleasures completely, eventually you’ll snap and go on a kill-crazy rampage! You’ll then become a huge inconvenience to the cops that have to take you down. To remain docile, treat yourself and smell a bag of CHEETOS® Puffs Reduced Fat Cheese Flavored Snacks every once in awhile. It’s so bad but it feels so good!
10. Have you considered diet pills? Protip: if they are approved by the FDA, they don’t work.