The Bachelorette: End Times
THE END IS NEIGH! It's the finale of The Bachelorette, the finale of love! Who will JoJo pick? Jordan? Robby? Luke? Oh wait.
But first, miles of feelings to go before we sleep!
The episode starts with JoJo’s familiar lilt - she’s so excited, she’s in Thailand, she’s torn between two men that she loves! So, more of the same.
But what is this? We leave the familiar glossy sheen of the Bachelorette’s typical camera filter, and are suddenly in a live studio audience, surrounded by live people! I watch this show alone and in shame, so it’s quite a shock to the system.
Contestant Chris seems to have thrown in the towel and resigned himself to hosting duties. Good luck, Contestant Chris! I hope you find love soon or at least find a job one day.
Not that I should be surprised, but the audience looks to be 100% composed of women.
Contestant Christ reminds us all that JoJo is making the “same tragic mistake” as Ben: going on the Bachelor franchise! Oh, and also loving two men at once.
I'm happy to report that Chad is in the audience! He gets a special shout out!
We're reminded that JoJo is going to receive a proposal from Jordan or Robbie. But again I must ask! Why isn’t SHE proposing? I mean, I know, but I'm being difficult.
JoJo is on her way to see her family, and she is THRILLED, which is truly touching and adorable. She admits to her family that she thinks she loves both of the dudes, and JoJo’s mom looks adorably shocked. But she's got to wipe that look off her face, because JORDAN arrives!
JoJo is stoked to see him, and this disgusting conversation is had:
JoJo: sorry I’m so sticky!
Jordan: Yea, you are!
Jordan meets the family, and launches into a story about what a skeptic he was about this process. Why da fuck did you go on this show, then, Jordan? He does assure JoJo’s parents that he’s really attracted to her. Phew - thank god. I'm sure that was keeping them up nights, you dummy.
Jordan and JoJo do promise that they have good banter. And we don't have to wait long for some of that trademark Rodgers' wit to make an appearance!
Jordan: “One thing about me...I got you all gifts.”
What a weird fact about you, Jordan!
Also, side note: JoJo's brothers are indistinguishable from each other and always just shown smiling and nodding.
“Jordan is very likeable. And there’s nothing wrong with being likeable.” JoJo's mom says. For such a compliment, that sure sounds like a great burn! She does worry that he’s a playboy, so she takes him away to cuntront him in private.
“You see yourself getting married soon?” And then: "You’re an attention catcher.” She seems so sweet and concerned for her daughter. And intent on drinking champagne. I love her, obviously.
She and JoJo reconvene, and she expresses her concern that JoJo and Jordan are too alike.
JoJo: “Do you like Jordan?”
JoJo's Mom: “ Who doesn’t?”
Then it’s JoJo’s dad’s turn to get in on the fun of arranged marriage! He’s very even-keeled and also seems concerned about JoJo’s love life. He's also the owner of a sassy new hat!
Jordan discuses his love for JoJo, and it all seems very insincere and like just an act. So, typical Jordan. He leaves without officially asking for a bill of sale from JoJo's father - aka permission to propose.
JoJo stays behind to grill her family on their thoughts. Her Texas accent is really coming out around her family. It’s charming. Less charming is the fit she throws when her family expresses mild admiration for Jordan, and not the total adoration JoJo was hoping for.
Another day, Another suitor! It’s Robby’s turn!
Yet again, JoJo apologizes for being sweaty. But regard Robby’s much nicer reply:
It’s a low bar, but come on JoJo. It's all so obvious.
JoJo’s mom demands of Robby: “What do you like about my little girl?”
Robby is quick with a response: "She’s smart and intelligent.”
Smart AND intelligent? What is she, a cyborg? Zing!
When I brought my boyfriend home to meet my parents, they didn’t ask these kinds of questions. I’m sure my father didn’t look at a camera and say “I hope he’s in love with JoJo.”
JoJo says she feels “adored” when she’s with Robby, but she has fun with Jordan. One of JoJo's brothers (who knows which one!?) reminds her that she’s “not picking someone to be your New Year's Eve date.” A very good point!
JoJo’s mom's actions are now predictable at this point, and she takes Robby aside to grill him. Certainly his strong declaration of love for her is convincing (to me).
Robby loves JoJo, and it makes JoJo’s mom tear up a little!
JoJo's mom breaks it down: “I raised her a princess. I want you to make her the queen of your heart.”
While Robby shares the same antiquated belief that you need to ask a father for permission to marry his daughter, he at least also includes JoJo’s mom in the negotiations, which is a nicer gesture.
However, I feel very uncomfortable with Robby’s newfound habit of calling JoJo "Joelle."
JoJo’s dad says to Robby: “You’re an outstanding gentleman.”
"I believe my daughter.”
I appreciate that he respects his daughter's choices, even when all the evidence is presented that he absolutely should not.
Everyone is choking up in this room!
“It gets you in the heart” JoJo’s dad. AWWWWWWW.
It’s basically confirmed that all of JoJo’s family is #TeamRobby. JoJo’s mom is ready to confess her love!
It comes out that Jordan didn’t ask JoJo’s dad for permission, and JoJo sort of throws a tantrum. She even rolls her eyes! She defends Jordan, JoJo's brothers point out that JoJo is defending Jordan, and JoJo's mom stares off in the distance like she knows her daughter is about to make a horrible mistake.
Later, there are shots of JoJo on a beach in cut offs, then a monkey in a moto-cycle basket, and JoJo riding in a tuktuk. Also it's revealed (or rather I just notice) that Robby is only 27?
They pull up to an idyllic beach and Robby says “you ready for this?” as he removes his shirt.
Question: do the “winners” of this show get a cash prize? These people realize they could literally marry anyone, right? They don't have to go through this process. It seems miserable.
PSA: Robby clearly shaves his chest.
JoJo asks Robby what he views as their future. He paints the scene: "We’re sitting on the most comfortable living room sofa.”
Wow! Quelle Romance!
In Robby’s fantasy, he burns the meatloaf because they are so drunk and there are children somewhere in the background?
He also says: “My life hasn’t started yet.” Lol, is he a baby? Or a fetus, depending on your politics?
I don’t need to tell you that they smooch, and then JoJo straddles him. I am left with one burning question: now that they’ve boned once before, do they get to bone again?
Later, they are back in a hotel room and are shown sitting on a couch. Is it the most comfortable couch of all time?
Did we fast forward to the future???!
They talk about more boring feelings stuff. Robby gifts JoJo with some photos he printed of their journey which, I need to remind everyone, has only been over the past few weeks. I’ve mentioned this before, but is there a dark side story here about JoJo's memory loss?
Also this is THE plot of the notebook.
“That’s the sort of love I’ve been waiting for,” JoJo narrates, as she and Robby are shown macking on that future couch.
The next day! It's Jordan time! And god, Jordan is 27 too? Does true love age people so?
Jordan and JoJo boat around, and Jordan points out some rocks to JoJo that are extremely visible. Again - what is this very mysterious illness illness JoJo has that causes other people to think she can't remember or see anything?!?!
Considering that JoJo and Jordan were just talking about how good their rapport is, this date sure is booooring. Just a lot of smooching and "You good?” “You good?”
But all is not good! JoJo is still very upset that Jordan didn’t ask her father for her hand. JoJo demonstrates how their communication is just great by saying: “what’s on your mind?” rather than “here’s what on MY mind, Jordan!” Soon enough they are bickering.
“We talked about this!’ JoJo complains.
Jordan finally makes a good point (after 9 or 10 episodes): that he didn’t want to ask JoJo’s dad for his blessing because .....hey! There is still another person! Also she hasn't declared her love for him, to him.
This argument is somehow both confounding and boring at the same time.
Harris weighs in: “Chicks are hard to understand!"
They change locations and are wearing more clothing, but they still insist on arguing about proposing. JoJo is trying to get to the bottom of “proposal-gate." Basically, she just wants a narrative out of Jordan about why he didn’t ask her dad. I NEVER thought I’d say this, but I'm sort of on Jordan’s side on this one.
JoJo is basically all “you probably want to date me, but do you want to propose?” Jordan responds with some little speech about getting down on one knee, etc. They somehow resolve their argument, because they are soon kissing.
Bone update: They do NOT bone.
Back at the studio, Contestant Chris quizzes the audience on who JoJo will pick, and it looks pretty split. He gives Chad another shout out, which is generous.
The big day is here!!!!!!!!! Robby is shown showering. Gross
“My heart is exploding with love. Out of my chest.” So romantic, that Robby. He waxes rhapsodic about a ring that will “represent [his] love for JoJo.”
He is presented with an array of rings with which he can propose, and he picks an ok one, I guess. He also looks more like a Ken doll than ever.
Now, it’s Jordan’s turn to be topless! And his hair is ludicrously high. Just ridiculous. Look!
Jordan calls JoJo’s dad and says “hey, it’s Jordan Rodgers.” Blah. This is uncomfortable. Jordan’s acting skills in this scene are terrible.
The end result is that JoJo's parents give him their blessing. Not sure why, honestly!
Also: Jordan’s handwriting looks like that of a teen girl. Regard:
Jordan has the same task as Robby and picks a BAD ring.
JoJo puts on her engagement dress and reveals that she had a moment of clarity this morning on the person she’s going to pick, and while she doesn't reveal who it is, she does reveal that it’s a him!
JoJo finds the note Jordan left for her and starts reading it, and then it shifts to Jordan doing a voice-over of the letter. Weird. While he's narrating the letter, he’s looking at the ring he just picked like he’s unclear what the object itself is.
Robby also sends a letter! It's addressed: “To my future fiance.” He says he’s been looking forward to this day since the “first day he met” JoJo, which, let me remind you, is the day JoJo met 21 other dudes.
JoJo weeps while she reads both of these letters, incidentally.
Jordan: “Today’s the day I propose to the love of my life.”
Robby: “Today’s the day I propose to the woman of my dreams.”
For some reason, the "often imitated, never duplicated" Dallas Cheerleaders are in the live audience. Contestant Christ promises us that this next part of the episode “is going to be painful.” For once, we agree!
JoJo is shown still crying about the one she's going to cut. “I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want him to feel an ounce of pain.”
Robby shows up with a shit eating grin, and because he’s first to arrive (and because I know what happens), its sort of tragic to witness.
“It’s going to be a moment I never forget.” Robby announces. That's probably true, Robby!
JoJo: “You look amazing. You look good!“ I’m glad all this love hasn't made her lose her natural horndogedness.
JoJo lets Robby go through his little speech, which seems unfair.
“Jo: my family adores you. My future longs for you. My heart yearns for you.”
Not the poet Luke was!
“You know I’ll keep you safe.” Robby promises, in total seriousness.
He also tells her she’s his best friend. Hope his real best friend doesn’t hear that! #rude
JoJo says to him: “For some reason my heart is somewhere else.”
“What’s missing?” Robby asks, and he honestly looks pretty upset.
“Why? Why? Why? Why?” He softly repeats.
Some advice for everyone involved:
Hey execs! Most people have started ghosting these days to AVOID having to engage in a breakup.
JoJo: It doesn’t really help when you keep saying “I wanted it to be you," and then choose someone else.
Robby: Lay off the tanner. It’ll kill you. Also, you'll find love or the nearest facsimile soon enough.
Robby untangles himself as nicely and classily as one could in this situation. “As long as you’re happy.”
JoJo to Robby: “I’m just trying to follow my heart and hope it’s not a huge mistake.” SUPER HELPFUL JOJO!
Mercifully, Robby is allowed to leave. He is shown driving away in the limo with a handkerchief against his face, though it’s unclear if he’s actually crying. JoJo, on the other hand, is freely weeping.
The scene cuts to deadly silence from the audience. In fact, it’s so weirdly quiet I actually check the volume on my computer to make sure it’s still working. This woman's face is not mine, but we're sporting the same expression:
JoJo has given up all pretenses and now has her shoes off. The only thing getting her through dumping one boyfriend is her other boyfriend. “I am so ready” she announces as she stalks off camera.
Soon enough, Jordan arrives.
“JoJo changed me.” He announces. Changed me. Changed you, Jordan? Like....an adult baby fetish? Lol. It's the end of the season! I'm feeling absurd!
Jordan also promises to keep JoJo safe. WHAT IS SHE IN DANGER FROM? JoJo!!!!!!! I'm concerned about you!
Jordan says a whole bunch of other stuff that's both cringe-worthy and probably not true. JoJo finally tells Jordan she loves him.
So now they have something in common. They are both in love! Jordan gets down on one knee, blah blah blah. JoJo likes the ring, so I guess it’s good.
Against my better judgement, I find myself smiling, so I guess whatever. The soaring music tells me I should be feeling something.
JoJo has something for Jordan! A rose. Which, after a ring, is sort of a lopsided gift exchange. Still, they kiss loudly.
JoJo says “I’m happy,” and I guess that’s all we wanted for our girl. At the end, JoJo does look like she’s being choked out with love.
But then they are drinking champagne on a beach, and flash forward to today, and these sorts of photo ops are happening:
And just as tortuously as it started, it stopped!
Thank you all for sticking with me until the end. See you in January, for whoever this guy is!