The Bachelorette (Episode 9)

The Bachelorette (Episode 9)

Previously! JoJo tried out 4 different lives! Which will she settle for?

We return to JoJo still in the midst of an emotional breakdown. Luke rejoins the men, who think whatever just happened was weird.

“That was weird.” Jordan announces. Robby, who for some reason thought Luke was leaving, realizes: “He’s not leaving.”

JoJo returns, still weepy, but her makeup looks flawless. Luke looks very concerned. I’m concerned. Jordan is concerned. Robby is........there.

The first rose goes to: Jordan. What a let down.

At this point, when all the men have professed love for JoJo, it must feel like a real slap in the face to get called anything other than first.

Robby gets the 2nd rose! A slap in my face.

One rose remains, and it's down to Luke and Chase. Contestant Chris returns, probably in a bid to steal it. I can barely handle this tension.  

The final rose goes to: CHASE.

Get.the.fuck.out.girl.  

Luke looks shocked. Hurt. He goes to shake the hands of all the guys.

“She ripped his heart out of his ass.” Harris says, and that’s about as salty as his language has ever gotten! This show really has a power!

JoJo, weeping, walks Luke out. Is she crying because she knows she just made the worst mistake of her life? 

“This hurts me so much.” JoJo, quite unfairly, says. Luke just looks stunned and says nothing.

(Luke, you WILL love again!)

(Luke, you WILL love again!)

More excerpts from Night of a Thousand Lukes:

“We’ll never know what we could have.”

“This is not supposed to be happening.”
“I dream about so much.”
“I thought when I kissed you, those times I looked in your eyes, the magic was real.”
“I miss you already.”

Goddamnit.  

Well, watching a man get his heart broken on TV is pretty miserable, in case you were wondering. Enjoy your CHASE, JoJo. She is making it very hard to root for her.

You picked ROBBY OVER THIS? YOU PICKED CHASE OVER THIS? YOU PICKED JORDAN OVER THIS?

Poor Luke! Can we as a nation of women band together to bone and/or love him until he feels better?  

Luke is so blindsided because he truly thought his and JoJo’s future was real.

“I was in love with her, but I never got the chance TO love her.”  Luke says while gazing wistfully off screen. Omg. I can’t handle this.  

Also that’s clearly the tagline of my book.

(I've already written most of it with quotations from this ep!)

(I've already written most of it with quotations from this ep!)

For the record, we’re nearly 10 minutes into this episode and JoJo is still crying and I’m still unhappy.

“What if that was a mistake?” JoJo asks. YUP GIRL. YOU FUCKED UP. I hope she gives him back those boots. I don’t think you deserve to WEAR THEM JOJO!

She says she misses him already. Let me reiterate. Enjoy your ROBBY!

At this point, I have to turn off the episode for a bit because I’m so enraged and disappointed in JoJo.

I vent to Harris: “She picked CHASE OVER HIM?”

Harris: “Which one was Chase?”

Me: “The DUMB ONE!”

We’ve come a long way from the happy go lucky days of the “JoJo” song.  

(You only ever see guitar players come out with their instrument. Just once I'd like to see a flute or a stand-up bass.)

(You only ever see guitar players come out with their instrument. Just once I'd like to see a flute or a stand-up bass.)

.......Ok, I’ve calmed down. In a way, it’s sort of nice that Luke is gone because I don’t care about anything any more.

The remaining lovers jet off to Thailand! Coming up on this half of the episode: JoJo cries in many beautiful locales and in many different bikinis.

Yet now she’s in white cutoffs and a flouncy top, strolling at sunset, reminiscing about how she’s so excited to have 3 different boyfriends.

Robby arrives in a motocab. JoJo is SO happy to see him that they french a little. Improbably, Robby is MORE tan than ever. They stroll around in a market, take shelter from a (metaphorical?) storm, and get Thai massages in THAI-land! What a crazy coincidence!

While strangers rub their feet, Robby decides to talk to JoJo about love, his family, and of course, his ex-girlfriend.

Robby is like “I told you I loved you within 5 minutes of meeting you. Doesn’t that count for anything?!” Then: “It was me being honest. If I didn’t, I’d be lying.”

Robby! That’s such a dumb line and what’s worse is you’ve USED it before in previous episodes!

They smooch. Robby talks more about how he’s so in love with her. You know, I actually love my boyfriend and I don’t tell him as much as these people do!

JoJo is falling in love with Robby, but she DOES have some concerns. Namely that Ben did the same thing to her, blah blah blah. This might be bad for a professional (actually not a professional) recapper, but I don’t care, so I’m done with that convo.

This date is going SO well that we move on to the next level up: THE FANTASY SUITE! I don’t even know what that means but it sounds like something to look forward to while I stare at Robby’s face.

("Wait, THAI-land? THAI massages? I still don't get it.")

("Wait, THAI-land? THAI massages? I still don't get it.")

JoJo is like “does your family ever ask about me?”

Robby’s dad apparently wrote Robby a secret note during his home visit, the aim of which was to pep Robby up. Robby, like a major SNITCH, shares it with JoJo and the world! It’s all about how great JoJo is, how great Robby is, how tan he is, how he's better than Jordan (unspoken), etc. Come to think of it.....I’d like to request a sample of Robby’s handwriting because this is all awfully suspicious.

However, I’ve reached a turning point. I don’t really care about Robby or whatever, but I think I like him better than Jordan. He at least is always trying to make JoJo know that he’s in love with her, whereas she always seems to be chasing Jordan’s feelings.

Well! Well! Well(s)! Looks like JoJo has a present for Robby, and it’s a note from Contestant Chris, inviting JoJo and Robby to the FANTASY SUITE, should they wish to forgo their separate bedrooms for tonight. That’s very generous of Contestant Chris, btw. I appreciate his nontraditional approach to jealousy. 

“I don’t get to dream about JoJo, I get to dream next to her.” Robby says. Really. That’s a direct quote from this adult man.

(Tanspiration)

(Tanspiration)

JoJo and Robby are shown RUSHING to the fantasy suite. Easy guys! We already know you are both total horndogs.

Robby imagines his future life with JoJo: he says he wants to get into work late and leave work early because he’s so in love with her. Don’t blame your poor work performance on JoJo, Robby!

Omg! Wait. ARE THEY GOING TO BONE??!

“I feel ready to be intimate with Robby.” JoJo says, as if it to confirm my worst suspicions.

WHAT!!! I am SO SHOCKED that boning happens on this show. Not a joke. I am really surprised because this show seems so prudish (yet so filthy at the same time). We’re such a prudish country yet we are all cool with this “show about love” where people get sanctioned time to BONE!?  

Robby is shown knowingly putting the “do not disturb” sign on the door, then the lights go out. So they can dream next to each other, no doubt.

Wow. This episode has been truly shocking. I take a break to google “does anyone actually bone on The Bachelorette.” I fall down the rabbit hole.

The next MORNING! “We’re having our first breakfast together,” JoJo, that ol’ sly dog, announces.

(That robe almost certainly belongs to Robby.)

(That robe almost certainly belongs to Robby.)

Also: “I am in love with Robby.” Wow! Still more surprises.

There are establishing shots of the breakfast and JoJo’s heels from the night before but, concerningly, NO CONDOM WRAPPERS. Oh brother.

“Oh, I’m in trouble.” JoJo says as she walks away from the FANTASY SUITE, but I’m not yet sure if she means trouble in that way.  

“This show is morally bankrupt.” Harris announces. Indeed!

Next up, it’s Jordan time!  

“Aw, he’s so cute!” JoJo says as she spots Jordan boating up to the beach where she’s waiting for him. Their date today is to do a very hard hike up a mountain. HA! I knew Jordan would eventually get a shitty date.

This hike does look better than hiking in the woods of Pennsylvania, however. Soon enough they approach a cave.

There’s going to be some stuff in the cave, for sure.” Jordan prognosticates. Fascinating conversationalist, that Jordan!

(Though I guess he was right about something being in the caves.)

(Though I guess he was right about something being in the caves.)

As they get close to the temple, JoJo puts on her denim long sleeved shirt to be respectful. Which is nice! Does she have denim sleeves for her legs as well, which are almost totally bare?

JoJo complains about how she won’t be able to smooch Jordan in the temple. They are there for like 10 minutes tops!!! JoJo!!

“She has to demonstrate some level of modesty.” Harris chimes in. Indeed!

Jordan says how nice it was for them to do the hometown visit. “It was like the last box I needed to check.” Jordan says, while I can’t help but giggle. Jordan is also excited to meet JoJo’s family. WOW! I didn’t realize the dudes were going to meet JoJo’s family! Which also means I get to! Yes!

Jordan’s only reservation is that he’s worried JoJo’s dad will not like him (in so many words). At least he’s somewhat self aware.

Also!!! Exclusive scoop alert! JoJo has freckles! How cute! All her foundation must have sweated off during the hike but it’s a GOOD look for her. I mean, wear whatever you want JoJo. I don’t want to police your body!

“Is this guy too good to be true?”JoJo asks.

Girl! He’s not even that good!!!!

“He just might be!” Harris offers. Lol. He is INTO this ep.

The scene: JoJo and Jordan have a dinner later that night. JoJo looks at Jordan like she LOVES him. “I want to trust him.”JoJo says wistfully.

I’m all for being vulnerable, but JOJO!!!! True love doesn’t mean constantly questioning the other person’s feelings!

Jordan’s teeth are SO bleached, btw. I will police his body!

JoJo asks Jordan what the next year of his life will be like. He hems and haws and can’t get a full sentence out. JoJo, rightfully, is nervous. She’s basically probing him to find out if he’ll dump her should she chooses him

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Jordan promises.

JoJo: “Eh, that’s what Ben said!”

Ha! Well then!

JoJo asks Jordan again: “how do you know?” For the record, Jordan looks like he’s reading from a script. He’s always looking off in the distance like he's THINKING about what he’s saying rather than feeling it. Whatever. I can’t believe I’m freaking out about this. JoJo has the worst taste in men and I fear that this season will bear that out.

They kiss and end the convo. That’s healthy! A question occurs to me: is she going to bone Jordan too?!?

(The evidence is leading me to believe the worst.)

(The evidence is leading me to believe the worst.)

“I have something for you.”JoJo coyly says, while presenting Jordan with an envelope that looks suspiciously like the same one she gave Robby.

OMG THIS SHOW IS SO PERVERSE!

Contestant Chris yet again offers his competition a FANTASY SUITE. Jordan says yes, and it kills me that he’s about to bone our girl JoJo.  

Or is she no longer our girl?

“This is going to be a team effort.” Jordan says. Ha ha ha ha, he is talking about boning, right?

JoJo reveals to the camera that she is ALSO in love with Jordan. THESE PEOPLE! Omg, I’m seriously freaking about this. This is something I would have not expected from this show, yet from the way none of this is explained I’m guessing it goes on during every season!??!

JoJo is shown coyly rolling around on the bed while Jordan shuts the door and then the lights turn off. I have deja vu. Disgusting, nauseating, repulsive deja vu.

Luke would have bedded her in the most romantic way! She would have woken up in a field of bluebonnets!! GOD.

THE NEXT MORNING of this farce, JoJo and Jordan are in PJs aka “the lover’s uniform,” as they call it probably.

Also this is the least amount of makeup I’ve ever seen on JoJo. And Jordan, come to think of it!

They moved their relationship “In a really exciting direction.” Jordan exclaims. Ha, you sure have, Jordan, right towards each other’s privates!

“It’s scary to think that I’m in love with two people right now.” And scandalous JoJo! Also, remember Chase? You still have a Chase bobbling around somewhere in Thailand.

JoJo’s walk of shame is a camo dress stroll down the beach. It’s a good look!

Next, JoJo remembers Chase exists, so it’s Chase’s date!!! JoJo is all “maybe I’ll love him too? Three guys at once?!"

I’m exhausted by all this love. During the first episode did she love 27 men at once?

Chase shows up in a motobike! “Where’d you get one of these?”JoJo demands.

Ha, no detail escapes our girl.

“I’m feeling fantastic today.” Chase gushes. And he moves NOT A SINGLE MUSCLE on his face.

They walk around, and Chase nearly deepthroats a fish. This charms JoJo for some reason and she embraces him and tells him he smells like fish. Locals look on in disgust.

Chase can’t believe he’s here. Neither can anyone who watched the first episode, Chase! Chase and JoJo make out on a boat while they float by a monkey island. JoJo zeroes in on the monkey immediately.

“I feel like he’s noticing us!  I want him to wave!” JoJo exclaims. “You know they’re humans.”  Hahahaha, they sure are, JoJo!

“Everything about her is so unstoppable.” Chase enthuses.

“I’d love to have intercourse with her.”  Harris monotones, channeling Chase.

“We’re in this natural place with monkeys, and fish, and fisherman, and salt water.” Chase narrates. Not exactly the poet that Luke, is that Chase?

("And birds, and sky, and nitrogen, and slacks and espresso.")

("And birds, and sky, and nitrogen, and slacks and espresso.")

Chase actually does look sort of giddy, though. It may be love, but it may also be heat stroke. He proposes a toast. Then JoJo straddles him. Never change, JoJo.

JoJo feels like anything could happen right now. And to her, that means going in the ocean to smooch, and probably feel each other up.

Chase is shown building the world’s worst sand castle by just picking up sand and dropping it through his fingers. For some reason, he’s on the beach while JoJo is back in her room, observing Chase through a window.

“I could absolutely marry JoJo.” Chase states. And he’s going to tell her now!

There’s a knock at JoJo’s door! But instead of Chase, it’s ROBBY! JoJo is thrilled to see him and they smooch, but JoJo is all “you know I’m on a date right at this moment!”

Actual convo:

JoJo: “This is where I live.”
Robby: “I know, you kind of told me.”

Maybe she does have extreme short term memory loss??? Or maybe she told him during the very height of passion?

“That taste of what a lifetime would be like....it was incredible.” Robby waxes rhapsodic. Again, that taste is BONING.

(Robby, don't you have to add your name to some sort of offender registry?)

(Robby, don't you have to add your name to some sort of offender registry?)

While Robby is talking about them falling in love, Harris keeps asking who this guy is. He asks who ALL the guys are whenever they are on screen because they all look exactly alike.

Later that night, Chase and JoJo are on the dinner portion of their date. JoJo’s hot pink lipstick looks fantastic.

Chase is really the most talkative I’ve seen him. I’m just floored that he’s still here. And Jordan. And Robby. And me, frankly!

“What are you most scared of?” JoJo probes.

AGAIN! Chase is all “the other guys.” And heights, likely!

It’s interesting, Chase is talking about how love means security and protection, etc. and contrast that with Jordan, whose relationship with JoJo seems to be all about drama and being unsure about how the other feels.

OH MY GOD. Chase ALSO gets a fantasy suite offer from Contestant Chris! Does JOJO BONE THREE GUYS IN THIS ONE EPISODE?

Chase is sweating BUCKETS. He wisely is like “yeah we get to bone and all, but it’s also the most alone time we’ve ever had together.”

But first, Chase must tell JoJo that he’s not scared, and that he’s 100% in love with her. "It’s wild, because I’ve never told anyone that before.”

CHASE! We already met your mom! Show some respect!

“Thank you for telling me that.”JoJo responds. Is that the worst response to “I Love You?” apart from “No you don’t!”

Off-screen, JoJo says that this is not making her feel how she thought it would. Then we cut back to Chase going on and on about his love for JoJo.

Is she still going to bone him? I’m obsessed with the logistics of these fantasy suites.

She asks if he can hold on for one minute and goes to the beach to have an emotional moment alone.

“I hate this. I feel sick to my stomach.”JoJo cried. “I wanted to fall in love with him.”

JOJO! Why do you insist on these men professing their love, and then you drop them like a hot potato once they do?!!??!?! I know this isn’t fun for JoJO, but it’s also not fun for ME to watch.

Basically, JOJO is like, I like Chase a lot, but I really liked boning Robby and Jordan. So...peace out Chase.

This is all super awkward. Chase still thinks this is going great, while JoJo (and the audience) knows this is going south.  

JoJo comes in and drops the guillotine. Chase realizes what’s coming, but again, his expression changes not one bit.

“I don’t know if I’m in the same place as you." JoJo starts. Chase puts down his wine glass AKA it’s serious.

“I don't know if spending the night together would change that.”JoJo continues.

“I get the point.” Chase cuts her off. He’s real pissed And I GET IT! It’s the first time he’s professed his love, and he then immediately gets cut.

“I’m skewered. I’m shattered.” Chase says. “So now love equals get the fuck out?”

(Always remember the good times.)

(Always remember the good times.)

“I’m trying to be fair and honest.” JoJo proclaims. She’s trying not to blindside Chase like she herself was blindsided by Ben, who told her he loved her, made her feel it, and then dumped her (allegedly).

“You kind of just did all that.” Chase points out.

Can’t Contestant Chris deliver these kiss offs? This is unbearable. Poor dude didn’t even get to bone.

“You are everything I ever wanted.” JoJo cried. Chase gets up to leave and cut this mercifully short. JoJo is crying and he’s in the unfair position of trying to calm her emotions.

“None of this makes sense.” Chase says. This all boils down to: Chase is in love with her, JoJo is not in love with him. And she wants him to stop being upset immediately, which is both unfair and unrealistic.

Chase gets ready to leave and cracks a beer as his transport arrives. “Oh is this my fantasy suite?” He says as he gets in the van. HA! I didn’t know Chase was funny!

(Taxicab Confessions: Thailand)

(Taxicab Confessions: Thailand)

“That sucked.” Chase succinctly puts it. “I’m embarrassed. And I’m heartbroken.”

Bye Chase. You’ve earned my pity, and isn’t that better than love and marriage?

The next day! A monkey is shown strolling near where the two roses are positioned. Again - also a better choice than either of these two guys. Didn’t JoJo just say that they are humans?!

JoJo is still having a rose ceremony, which seems unfair to the guys and to me.

Contestant Chris is still there to welcome Jordan to the ceremony! He asks Jordan about why he’s feeling so confidant. He, no shit, basically says “I’m feeling better because we got to bang.”

Next is Robby.

Contestant Chris, ever the PERV, asks “how was that time off camera? Was it what you needed?” AKA again, he’s asking how the boning was.

This is a direct quotation:

“Yes. Getting to see a side of JoJo that, you know, you don’t see when the cameras are on. You don’t see until your'e behind closed doors.”

Also he’s in love! Knew that already.

JoJo arrives to have a heart to heart with Chris. He, interestingly, doesn’t ask about the boning. Instead he grills JoJo on her feelings.

It's revealed that the men don’t know Chase won't be joining them as he's still in his fantasy suite of shame!

“I know I love them both." JoJo solemnly reveals, for about the 5th time.

JoJo then regales Robby and Jordan with her tale of dumping Chase (and how hard that was for her) when WHO Should arrive at the ceremony? It's Chase!

This marks TWO elimination ceremonies wherein a man has dragged JoJo away to demand a feelings discussion.

Chase was pissed when he was let go. But now, he's is back for a gentlemanly apology!

He tells her she is amazing, impressive, etc. He’s not asking for a second chance, but I’m willing to give him one. Swap him for Robby and Luke for Jordan and maybe add that monkey from earlier in the episode and presto! A finale I could get behind.

“Why didn’t I fall in love with him?”JoJo weeps once he bids adieu.  

Damn. That monkey follows Chase out of the rose ceremony. Guess none of my dreams will be coming true.

Back at the ceremony! Robby looks extremely excited. Jordan looks bored.

These three should just cut to the chase and all bone. That is a fantasy suite I could understand. I wouldn't like it, but I'd be happy these three yahoos found each other.

UGH. I never thought I’d be here. I’m rooting for Robby. I guess love is hard to predict.

(And also gross)

(And also gross)

And then a monkey is shown scratching itself. #truelove

NEXT WEEK: More crying.

 

Your Weekend Reading List: October 14th!

Your Weekend Reading List: October 14th!

Bitch Planet: Get It While You Can

Bitch Planet: Get It While You Can